Marriage In trouble

Melanie - posted on 09/22/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I have been with my husband for 6 years but only married for 8 months. We have a 5yr old son, 3 yr old daughter, and b/g twins due in January 2011. Before we got married our relationship was great. We barely ever fought, sex life was great, we had good communication. But ever since we got married our relationship has basically been a big sham. We tried to make it work not just for us but our kids. Ever since i got pregnant our sex life has stopped completely, we argue a lot and we both feel getting married was a mistake. I love my husband a lot but our marriage is basically over. We have talked for probably the last 2 weeks and have decided 6 weeks after the twins are born we will seperate. I know some of you might not agree with this but we have tried everything. Even marriage counselling didn't work. My husband now sleeps in the spare room but always gets up before the kids. He works long hours some days and we are doing everything we can to make sure our kids are happy and we try to keep the peace for their sake. A few weeks ago our son Noah was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia and is deteriorating quickly. The doctor have said he is the final stages and the only thing they can do for him is manage his pain. This diagnosis has made our marriage even more strained. My husband is working longer hours, sometimes double shifts and has admitted he hates the thought of coming home. We do not want our kids to know we are seperating or even our families. I feel like i failed at my marriage and now our son is getting worse i feel even worse. I hate the thought of what it will be like on our daughter. Not only is she going to lose a brother but then her mummy and daddy will break up. I just feel so rotten but i know there is nothing i can do. Seperating is the best thing for our marriage and my hubby will still see his kids all the time. I just need some advice because right now i feel horrible

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Lindy - posted on 09/27/2010

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I think you guys should seperate and if being apart makes you happy then in the long run it will be better for everyone. Regardless if you and your husband are together or not your daughter is still going to be upset and confused about losing her brother. I want my daughter to see and know TRUE LOVE not forced love. If you feel you arent happy this early in the marriage then it most likely wont change. My mother passed away in 2004 and now looking back at my parents marriage and how my dad treated her, I feel like my mother stayed for us kids and I wish she would have done what made her happy. Like someone else said its better to have 2 happy divorced parents than 2 unhappily married parents. If a child is brought up in an environment that has fighting and cheating thats what they are going to think a relationship is about and i know you want your daughter to have a better life than you..that is almost every parents dream isnt it? So my advice is not to stay together for the children but do what makes you happy and that is what i think will make your daughter happiest in the long run. I want to let you know how strong of a woman you must be I would have lost it by now. GoodLuck with everything.

Morgan - posted on 09/22/2010

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I think you should split, children are not a reason to stay together, IMO kids are better off from two happy but seperated parents than to unhappy but together parents. It sounds like you have done everything you can, its sucks and I am sure its extra hard being that you are pregnant with twins and have a sick son, but I am sure you will all be better off in a happy home, your daughter will be upset thats alot of drama for a little girl but it will pass and if you stay strong she will too.
I am sorry your going through such a tough time.
Good luck

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Ahndrea - posted on 08/31/2014

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I am soooo sorry for all the struggle you are going through... That's a lot to swallow. Marriage is hard, it's something you literally have to work at everyday. Personally I would try to make it work but it also takes 2 very committed people to turn things around. I'm not going to try and shove religion down your throat.. But my priest once told me it takes 3 to make a marriage last,without god you don't stand a chance.. Hope this helps. Wish you the best and if u ever need to vent feel free

Kiaya - posted on 09/22/2010

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If there is any person you need on your side right now, it is that man you fell in love with. Marriage is different, my husband and I felt the same way with my last pregnancy, unfortunately as wonderful as pregnancy is it can equal horrible, physically and especially emotionally. It sounds like all you have talked about with him is separating because it is the 'best' choice, but you haven't really talked. It may sound silly and you can talk to your doctor about it, but making decisions like divorce with your son fighting for his life and a stressed out husband that works to much because he doesn't want to face what is going on at home, this has to be the worst possible time to make a decision like that. It takes at least a year for a womens hormones to get back to normal after having a baby, and hormones are VERY important and a HUGE impact our your sex drive, attitude, and well everything. From what I see, you are tired, sad, stressed, scared, angry and need your companion, and your husband is overworked, stressed, scared, feeling neglected and needs you. Marriage is not one sided, but to make it work sometimes you have to be the first to try to fill his needs, be there for him, make him breakfast, take him lunch, go cuddle with him and if you don't feel weird about it find otherways to please him sexually. And you shouldn't expect that just because you ahve been together for so long that he knows exactly waht you need and want, or that you know exactly what he needs or wants, don't be afraid to ask and don't be afriad to tell him want you need. There is always something you can do. All pregnancies are different and because this is number 3 and 4 at the same time your baby is sick and you are both exhausted with life, there is no better time to try something new, out of your normal comfort zone with eachother, reconnect as a couple, relearn eachother, talk, send notes with him to work telling him why you love him, tell him to his face why you love him. If he loves you and I really think he still does he will reciprocate and coming together right now is the best thing you can do.

Sarah - posted on 09/22/2010

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For a last ditch effort try laugh you way through marriage with Mark Gungor. It is truley hilarious teaches you about the other person and communication. There are clips of it on you tube worth checking out even if you don't think it will help its still worth the laugh. Make a game plan that works for you all before you make the split. Try still having family dinners a couple of times a week. I'm sure that you and your husband can manage a good friendship. Family dinners will be a nice way to show your kids that all though you don't want to be married you still can get along and want to keep the family together. Make a vow to never ever talk down to one another in front of the kids. As far as kids are concerned you have nothing but loving nice respectful things to say about one another. Having a plan and being able to tell them what is going to happen is going to help them feel more secure about what will happen.

September - posted on 09/22/2010

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I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time right now Melanie. It's never easy to deal with a broken marriage and on top of that a sick child. It sounds like you've tried everything to keep your family together and I'm sorry that you've been unable to. I'm just curious, you said that your relationship was great before you got married, so what is it that's change since getting married? I think what's best right now is that you continue to stay focused on taking care of your children and soaking up all the time you can with your son who is sick. Continue to love them and be there for them. I wish you all the best! I'm here if you ever want/need to talk, just PM me. Hang in there Melanie!

Amanda - posted on 09/22/2010

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Marriage is just a symbol...It whats on paper and it represents the bond and emotions that you guys shared and wanted to share for eternity...It sounds to me like you guys need to communicate and revamp why/what you guys love about one another...I have four kids and it is not easy...My youngest are both babies and only 13 months apart...You can always work things out and you need to look at how your family can bring you closer together at this time. You guys need intimacy and some good emotional stimulation in your relationship to work it out as well. Communication and willingness is key here.

Melanie - posted on 09/22/2010

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My husband and i have both known our marriage has been in trouble since about 6 weeks after we got married. We have tried for the last 6 and a half months to work on our relationship but everything we do seems to make things worse. I still love my husband but i do not know if i am still in love with him. I am only 20 and he is 21 so we are both still really young. We are not thinking of getting a divorce just seperating for now. Our son is already going through a lot and we do not want to make things worse for him. As for our daughter we are both struggling on how we are ever going to tell her. Being pregnant has made our relationship a bit more complicated because now there are 2 more kids to think about. I do see our relationship as being over but it is still hard to admit we both failed at our marriage. I just don't know how things got to be so bad. We both thought getting married was the next step and it would make us stronger but it has had the opposite effect.

Keisha - posted on 09/22/2010

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my best advise to you is... agree to disagree. give him space continue communicating ( with out fighting ) i have learned to make my relationship work i have to swollow that lump in my throught that says fight back because he is wrong and i am right. someone have to be the bigger person to say OK i'm wrong even if u know your right for your relationship sake. that is if you both still love each other? your having twins this is suppose to be a joyous time for both of you!maybe try getting back to that place you both were before you were married may help. both of you have to want this relationship to work, marriage should not be taken lightly, we have to push through you will have tough times that is just what marriage is... if both of you really and trully are still in love i say give love a chance! i myself don't believe in marriage counseling, you both just need to communicate with each other and try to save your marriage...you are all going to need each other right now! ( so sorry to hear about your son i will keep him in my prayers).

Amanda - posted on 09/22/2010

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Everyone goes through rough spots....I mean you guys are probably a little bored with another...Do you really see it as being over? Can you imagine your life without him? Are you both ready to see other people?

It is going to be very hard on your daughter...I would say you both need to talk about this because your daughter is going to need both of you in her life and need to be happy. She is already going to lose her brother and when you guys separate she wont understand.

Your twins are also going to cause stress after having them...Pregnancies always cause stress on a relationship. You need to think if this is really the best decision as far as divorcing goes. Couples always take about stress on each other and right now the two of you have a lot on your plate.

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