misbehaving 2 year old

Kelly - posted on 07/28/2011

You are absolutely RIGHT on this one. I have seen many people use the excuse "they are too young" when deciding how to discipline. Just think about it....babies know from the minute they are born how to get you to do what they want: cry and mommy feeds me. Humans have natural instincts to do anything they can to get their way. If throwing a fit gets dad to give me a toy then by God I am going to throw a fit. They are smarter than you think and can be very manipulative. It is our job to guide their behavior from the moment they are born. James Dobson has several good books on this topic. Maybe if he reads the advice of a professional he will finally believe you. Also, tell him if he can do it better than he can stay home and you will work :)

Janice - posted on 07/26/2011

Hi Andrea, I know your post originated in May but I did a search on the topic "misbehaving"....I hope you're having progress with your 2yr old as I can totally relate with my husband as well. He constantly says "he'll leaern" or "he's only 2".....drives me insane as I am also stay at home Mom and my husband works 2 jobs and does not deal with the misbehaving as I do. I've recently come to realize my son "plays" me big time these days and my frustration are beyond. I've tried every tactic from nice and calm, to stern yet controlled, to yelling and recently tried "time outs" which was a joke.....I am at a loss at this point in time and at my wits end! I try a new tactic almost every day! Good luck my fellow Mom, you are not alone!

Andrea - posted on 06/01/2011

lol thanks amanda, ya i think my husband does need to see someone! lol im with you on that. I think big part of his prob is that hes a only child and way his mom raised him ( and shes just as clueless)

Amanda - posted on 05/31/2011

You are not in the wrong. Your child knows what he is doing. I would take your hubby to the doctor lol. Show him some doctors information about how smart 2 year olds are.

Carrie - posted on 05/17/2011

It's hard to judge some of what you are asking because you say that your husband gives in and gives him what he wants, but you're not being specific about an incident. Without specifics, it's difficult to say. But, I have four kids and I am a teacher so I think I have some experience here. I will say for sure that your husband is absolutely right about yelling. It's never o.k. to yell at your kids, period. If you are yelling, you have lost control. You're only teaching your child to be frightened of you or rebel against you. You are creating anger, if you are yelling. Punishment in the true sense of the word isn't much better. Your job is not to punish your son, it is to train him to be an independent, confident and caring adult. For the most part, a two year old doesn't really "get" what they are doing and removing them from the situation and engaging them in a new activity is usually enough to stop the momentum of the behavior. If you are so upset with a two year old that you need to relate it back to your husband later, I am going to suggest two things to you; first, you need some down time. I think you need to find a group like M.O.P.S. or something, where he can have some play time and you can have some girl time, and I would suggest you get some books on discipline and child rearing. I think that you are all pushing each others buttons. You and your husband have to get on the same page. The disagreements between you two are going to cause unnecessary emotional turmoil for your son.

Carly - posted on 05/17/2011

They understand, they just don't care. They get so wrapped up in whatever it is that they want to do, they just focus on that or they consider it worth the punishment.
You aren't overreacting and it's soooooo frustrating. I'm a bad yeller and I've been working really hard to curb it because I've realized that when I yell, I scare him and sure, it might scare him enough to stop what he's doing, but then he doesn't get the message of why he shouldn't do it again, he doesn't even hear that part because he's so freaked out.
But they do need boundaries. Time out has worked fairly well for us. It's like, you have to break their concentration because they get so focused on what they want. But the time outs have to be short and you have to tell them how long their in for (I do 2 min. usually) and why (no hitting the cat, no riding the dog, etc....) short and to the point.
but his giving in to whining is no good. it totally undermines any effort you make. you have to be on a united front and discipline the same way and be consistent. we are only just now getting the hang of it and getting on the same page. it's hard because my MIL watches my son during the day and does everything differently, but he actually listens to her go figure!
hang in there, talk to the hubs and come up with a game plan.

Alecia - posted on 05/17/2011

my hubby is the same way. and my daughter acts the same as ur son. as soon as she is told no she whines and holds her hands out to be picked up. she is starting to get that we wont deal with her while she's having a tantrum or whining, but its def gonna take awhile for it to sink in. just try to be consisitent and good luck. i think we all need a lil sometimes! lol

Andrea - posted on 05/17/2011

alecia, i know what you mean. It does seem to me like he knows that hes misbehaving but chooses to do so anyhow because he doesnt know why i have a prob with it and does it anyway. I know he knows enough because he knows a lot of vocab and his words and expressions tell me hes very aware and understanding on how things work. He even knows how to say sorry, although I dont know if hes grasped the full context of its meaning. Hate to say it but I think hes becoming bratty type. My husband isnt home all day with him like i am so he discounts how much he knows. Hes not aware of these problems because Hes not around enough to see how much he comprehends. When I vent to him hes quick to make excuses for him altough he will say well then discipline him when he does something. At same time though a lot of times when hes present and i do discipline him on something in front of him he will say that i am being too cold. I keep telling him that he is exaggerating and that our son needs discipline and that im not gonna always pick him up and comfort him when he cries for me telling him to stop misbehaving. ( hes a whiner and when i tell him no or make him do or not do something hes quick to whine and guestures for me to pick him up) I tell my husband look me comforting him after i tell him no tells him its ok to not follow momys rules, just cry and get out of it. But he doesnt get it, he thinks im being "cold". Im gonna keep talkin to him about it till it sinks in his head. I think he cant get over the fact that hes not home all day and maybe since hes not there he feels guilty to see him cry. Like hes being a bad father to let him cry since he doesnt get to see him often.

Andrea - posted on 05/17/2011

Exactly kim, thats what i fear happening. Your very right, that isn't cool. I will have to try my best to get him to see what hes doing, because I dont think he gets it.

Alecia - posted on 05/08/2011

u need to help ur hubby understand. if ur not united, then ur son will figure that out quick (prbly already has). i have an easier time disciplining our daughter bcuz im a SAHM and my hubby works hard, and often weekends in the summer. but, now that she is 19 mnths, he is better about it. my daughter is a HUGE whinner, but she lacks the vocab to always tell us what she wants. so we calmly tell her that she needs to use words, and that she she doesnt get what she wants until she does. and we usually tell her what word, or words, to say, since she isnt sure. but i can tell u that she is smart and she knows when she's misbehaving. they may not understand the reasoning behind it (why cant i play with the outlet, mama? lol) but they know that there are things u dnt want them to touch/do. time outs are great (for most kids). we've been using them with my daughter for about 4 mnths now. it took awhile for her to get it, and sometimes i still have to sit her back down several times, but she learing that mama is consitent and that i mean what i say. and really that is the best lesson for kids to learn. i always explain why she's going in time out, then i tell her again when she's all done. i ask her if she's sorry (she doesnt say "sorry" yet) and give kisses and hugs. if u dnt teach him now how to behave, ull have an even harder to deal with school-aged child.

Kim - posted on 05/07/2011

All great posts! I just wanted to stress an issue I feel is important in your situation: communication with your husband. Whichever method you choose to discipline your child, make sure you aren't the only one enforcing it; daddy needs to be 100% on board with you. The fact that your child runs to daddy will turn into a really big problem in the future. I’ve seen it happen with my nephew who’s now 5. And as much as I love him, he’s a little terror (the kid all the teachers dread). My sister was the only parent who enforced punishment and his daddy was the savior. My nephew even has the nerve to growl at my sister when he doesn’t get his way. Even to this day! Punishing him has become ineffective (spankings, time outs, you name it) and the relationship between mommy and daddy is no more.
Your husband shouldn’t dismiss your thoughts and feelings so easily. It sounds like you two need to have a serious heart to heart. And if you two have a disagreement, make sure it isn’t happening in front of your son! That’s another thing my nephew learned from his father: it’s okay to be disrespectful to mommy. Not cool…

Jenni - posted on 05/07/2011

Well, there's your perspective on things and then there's his. The truth is probably somewhere inbetween. ;)



2 year olds do have little impulse control. So although they may *know* that they shouldn't be doing something or getting into something. They may lack the self control to stop themselves.



This doesn't mean you should put discipline on the back burner. Gentle discipline is usually the best at this age. And lowering expectations of his behaviour. Understanding that much of his boundary pushing, defiance, curiosity is completely normal and expected for his his developmental age.



So try to seperate your own feelings from your son's behaviour. Don't see his defiance as something personal against you, or he's doing it to make you mad. He's not. He's pushing for independence.



So avoid power struggles when ever possible. Offer two choices whena applicable. Allow him his independence whenever possible.



Stick to 2-3 basic rules for him. Encouraging listening skills and emotional skills. Set clear boundaries. Here are some examples: Rule 1: Safety first-offences include dangerous activies

Rule 2: Respect others-offences can include hitting, taking toys away from others, yelling etc.

Rule 3: Listening to mommy and daddy- try to avoid saying no when ever possible or ordering him around but when you ask him to stop doing something he MUST stop doing or do something he MUST do... you expect him to do it. Ask him to comply and then count to 3 ask him again and if he says no or doesn't listen. You can issue a time out.

My son is almost 3 yo and I've been using this method for 6 months. It is 99% of the time effective.



***but very important.... don't expect too much from your toddler. These things take time and it is mostly just a phase. So don't be a too hardcore boot camp mommy.

Relax. And don't take his behaviours personal.



Don't punish. Teach and guide. Time-outs do not have to be a punishment. I typically use them as a method for my toddler to calm down when they are in the midst of an emotional overload (ie tantrum) or using physical aggression to express themselves. It is a chance to calm down so they are receptive to the lesson I am teaching them. Encouraging them after to say sorry to the person they hurt.



Don't yell. It is completely ineffective. The moment you lose control, the moment you'll lose his attention. You'll just find yourself yelling louder and louder to get his attention. (I know, we all lose it from time to time) but just breathe and count to 10 or take a break.



When speaking to your child get down to his level and make eye contact. Use a whispering voice. It works!



He will test your patience, he will push boundaries, he won't listen.... he's 2. ;) It will take time and consistancy.

Tara - posted on 05/07/2011

It depends on how he is being naughty, on whether he truly understands or not. At 2, kids do understand to a point, but not everything yet. The whining thing is what caught my attention though. Can he talk or tell you what he wants without whining (I mean, is he capable of it..even a little)? My Grandma would watch our two (up until a few months ago when I was taken off work for this pregnancy), who are now 7 and 5. She was really bad about giving in EVERY TIME they whined..for ANYTHING. Obviously, they are old enough to behave themselves and not have that kind of behavior, but because she had done it for so long (she had watched them since they were very small), that is what they did with her and tried to do with us. Like I said, I've been home a few months now because of my current pregnancy, and I've had to kind of re-teach our son (the 5 year old..who was the worst with the whining) how to behave. However, if you start early (2 is old enough to start teaching this) and explain that whining does not get them what they want, it is a lot easier. And if the whining doesn't stop, time outs may be needed. Good luck :)

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 05/06/2011

Yes.... September is absolutely right. You should also try to find a way to get on the same page with your boyfriend. Books are a good idea, or maybe tough love and make him watch your son... but if he doesn't see the same 'issues' as being 'problems' he won't care so I don't know how to help that

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 05/06/2011

Tell him when I was 6 months old I used to headbutt my parents and my parents friends. Anytime anyone would hold me I'd smash my face into their noses and no one wanted to hang out with them anymore. After a few weeks, my mom asked the doctor in desperation 'What do I do?!' he said 'Smack her hands, she'll learn. She doesn't know what 'No' means yet but she will know that she is doing something bad and to stop when you do this'........ it worked for her.

I've been training my son for a month now to sleep on his own. It took me 2 days to train him and a few times here and there with keeping up on what I've been doing in order to train him. Kids need dicipline. Kids need guidance. Kids will push you to your limits, so you need to find what you can and cannot live with (as they test you of course :) so you need to set boundaries and OF course he is old enough!!! My goodness....... I hope you find something that will help your boyfriend understand.

Have you left your son with your boyfriend for an entire day? Does he not see it? Does he just not care about the things your son does? Since you are home all day with your son, it's all on you anyway so if it really becomes an issue between your boyfriend not understanding/caring/believing you......... maybe just quit telling him about certain things and find online friends, blogs like this :) and a group of local mommies who you can talk discuss and vent to! There are ways around the hubbies :) haha

Andrea - posted on 05/06/2011

I am sooo glad i saw this.. I'm on the same boat with my 2year old son. I was a bit embarrased to ask about discipline for a 2year old..

Misty - posted on 05/06/2011

Two year olds understand what they are doing to a point, they dont completely understand, but they are starting to figure out which buttons to push with which parent to get what they want. I would recommend putting him in time out! for 2 mins each time he does something wrong. Make sure you explain to him why you are putting him in there, and when his time is up make sure you remind him how he got there. It is not going to be a walk in the park because he is only two but that is the best way to discipline a two year old, I think. Goodluck! :)

September - posted on 05/06/2011

Personally I think what's most important is that you and your husband share the same values when it comes to parenting. Otherwise you will continue to send mixed messages to your 2 year old son. Your husband is way off if he thinks’ a 2 year old does not know any better, maybe he should do some reading. 2 year olds are very aware when they are doing things they should not be doing. When our son turned 2 my husband and I read an awesome book called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood. We love it! It has provided such helpful techniques that we use every day. Our son is very well behaved and we now know how to handle the unwanted behaviors while remaining calm and loving. There is also a Love and Logic website with great information as well. Good luck!

Kelly - posted on 05/05/2011

I don't think so, I started to use the time out thing for my son as soon as he turned two. If he was naughty he got 2 warning then time out for 2 minutes (time out for how old they are) then I would get to his level and talk to him about what he did wrong. After a while I started asking him question about what he has done wrong, and soon enough he would know and understand. Once we talk about what he did wrong I would ask for a kiss and cuddle, just to show him I wasn't still up set with him. GOOD LUCK. You can always buy your self that book about the UK nanny. I did and its really interesting reading