Mom and dad argueing

Jennifer - posted on 06/30/2011

Wow. I don't want to be harsh, or make you feel like I'm putting you down, but your son has had a firm grasp of what's going on for a long time now.



Whether or not he displays a distaste for your arguments you should not be having these 'discussions' around him anyway.



You want your children to stay just that-children- for as long as possible. Exposing him to the negatives of the world when he doesn't have the ability to cope or understand will affect his mental and emotional well being.



I know it's hard to control yourself in the heat of the moment but you should at least pick your son up, move him into another room where you know he's safe and well entertained, and then continue your disagreement in a way more conducive to a positive outcome.



If nothing else helps you two should at least be able to stop your arguing for the sake of your own flesh and blood. Remind your significant other of this.



GOOD LUCK!

Janessa - posted on 06/30/2011

Good rule of thumb don't say anything to each other until you are both calmed down and willing to listen to the other's side and understand where they are coming from, also do it when your little guy is sleeping or not with you. I know that when you are really upset it is hard to hold back sometimes, but I have found that when I do I end up seeing things in a completely different way and realize there was no reason to be so angry. I also have gone out of the house and taken a drive or a walk to calm myself down. In the end it is prayer that really helps me, especially in understanding him.

Melissa - posted on 06/29/2011

I know this is not the normal advise, but I think it is good for children to see the adults in their life not completely agreeing. No, I am not condoning the yelling. That needs to stop... immediately.



Your son needs to see you two resolving your conflict because he will learn from that. Children his age use the relationships around them to develop their own ideas of how relationships should be. If he doesn't see that you have problems and know how to solve them, then he will believe that arguing is not normal when he is older. If you research it online, you will find studies that explain this. You will also find ways for you and your husband to resolve your problems without yelling.



Make sure there is no name calling. Your arguments need to have a purpose and resolve the conflict. Generally little children will fuss if you raise your voice and are upset. They know when you are not happy and they know when everything is not OK. Yelling is not good for him in that respect.



And, he does understand that you two are not getting along. The yelling is a big clue.



I will say that if my husband and I are mad at each other, we wait a bit to talk about it. If we have to find something else to do, we do it. During that time, we are very strict about not being violent even verbally. We have to use that time to examine exactly what the problem is and why we are so angry.



Remember, conflict resolution is good, and fighting is not conflict resolution. Both of you need to discuss your problems until you know they are fixed or how you two are going to fix them.

Kristin - posted on 06/29/2011

I would not argue in front of him. My parents didn't argue in front of us, so I make sure my husband and I don't argue in front of our daughter. Sometimes taking a break from each other (going into different rooms, saying you will discuss this after he goes to bed, going outside while the other stays inside) helps. I personally find that when I am angry, I say things that don't make sense and don't mean. When i have time to calm down and collect my thoughts, I can express myself and I am also able to try and see things from his perspective.

Andrea - posted on 06/29/2011

hun my gran always said to me a child should NEVER EVER know when his/her parents are fighting. even though fighting is a healthy part of marrige if you didn't love each other you wouldn't fight.. but try and do it behind closed doors in your room so it doesn't affect your son, this could cause him to have issues and a temper problem, your son will end up minicking this behaviour with his wife or gilfriend one day and may end up thinking it is normal to shout at your partner. just try im shure it will work out. xxx

Tammy - posted on 06/27/2011

Do NOT argue in front of your son! Children don't understand how their parents could get upset at each other and may think it is about them. You don't want to scar your kid! Besides you are adults, you can control yourselves. Take a deep breath and hang on until he is asleep in bed or at school. If you can't wait, call a grandparent, neighbor or a babysitter and have them take your son out for a couple of hours until you're done with your argument.

Stephanie - posted on 06/27/2011

if i were you i would wait til he isnt around to do that children pick up and reinact things, and that is doing something to him emotionally, think about him before yall start arguing in front of him at least go into the other room, and yes he does understand what is going on kids are way smarter then what we think. and you two being adults think about the situation, is it really worth the energy arguing? is it something small? for your child you have to think before you do with every action, remember he is watching both of you and he learns from you both.

Ashley - posted on 06/27/2011

My husband and I got into one really bad (and loud) fight when our first born was about 8 months old. After that we made a new rule; "no angry voices". If we start to disagree about something, that's okay- people have disagreements, but as soon as one of our voices starts to sound "angry" (i.e. loud, tense, rapid speaking) we both take a time out (that is we stop discussing the matter until we're calm). This has done wonders in our marriage, and we fight a lot less... maybe 2-3 times a year now. The thing about arguing when you're mad (my husband read this in a book about the human brain) is that is it actually impossible to think logically. The part of your brain that deals with intense emotion (specifically anger) is on some sort of a "see-saw" mechanism with the part of your brain that controls logic. So, in other words, you can't use them both at the same time!! If you're mad, you're not making any sense!! You need to calm down in order to have a logical argument (literally).

Lourdes - posted on 06/27/2011

I think you guys could maybe look for counseling , I wish I had the answer since I'm on the same situation (we) I hope with all my heart that your problem has a solution for your child has not the fault of whats going on between you do ... I should know , Im feeling terrible about having the worst argument with my husband and my little one saw me with tears on my eyes ...

Michelle - posted on 06/27/2011

I have done a lottt of reading (anxiety issues run in the family so i was nervous about failing with my first child ^^" haha) and i've read about studies that show that children (regardless of age) will always be negatively affected by parents arguing in front of them.

My husband and I both have very bold, passionate personalities, which makes for some very intense fighting (prior baby-- and a couple fights after she was born) but after all that research, we made it a point not the fight in front of her. We keep in mind the *if you haven't got something nice to say dont say anything* rule while she's around and once we put her to bed, we talk about whats been bothering us (it also gives us ample time to cool down- and its so much easier with a cutie pie to help cheer us up!) I think communication is key to keeping the fighting to a minimum and just compromising and understanding each other (stresses in life, how you're feeling, what's been going on in your life, etc) is very important. We try to make sure we have time for each other at least one night a week. We don't have to do anything big, sometimes it's as simple as just talking while we take care of the baby. We might take her for a walk or talk while giving her a bath or something. I think having open lines of communication really does help because whenever we dont get a chance to really talk for a while, our lines get jammed up and we tend to explode. >< Hope this helps! :)

Tia - posted on 06/27/2011

As long as he sees you resolve your problem it's not a bad thing. Hiding the fact the parents can argue and still love each other can be very damaging to children who grow up, get married, have their first fight and think the marriage is over. If it's a screaming match you both need to calm down anyway. Nothing gets solved with screaming. If you need to have a very serious discussion, set aside a time when your son could be with a sitter. Then, you can resolve the issue without distraction and your son doesn't have to be afraid. Just make sure he always knows that even though you and your husband disagree that you still love him and each other.

Frances Marie - posted on 06/27/2011

i learned my lesson, couples should never argue in front of their kids. They may not understand what you are arguing about but what they know when you are mad at each other. If you two are arguing, i guess it's normal for all couples to do so occassionaly, just dont do it in front of your kids.

Mary-Grace - posted on 06/27/2011

Yes, he understands what you're doing. You need to be taking great pains to not argue in front of him. If you all have a disagreement, you need to be responsible and have the argument rationally, and when he is not around. Just because he isn't in the room, by the way, doesn't mean that he can't hear you. Also, if you're arguing a lot, try writing things down instead. Have him write down his problems, and you write down yours. Exchange them, and work from there. Obviously, yelling at each other isn't getting you anywhere.

Nikia - posted on 06/27/2011

I think that counseling would be good. Help to get to the root of the issue. Your child may not understand what your arguing about but he senses the emotion and the anger. He can see what behaviors lead up to the fighting and he will mimic them. Getting to the root of the problem is the best resolve and of course grown folks business should stay between grown folks. If you must argue, wait until he is asleep or remove yourself from him. Also learn how to talk to each other without it escalating to a full scale arguement. The love you and ur hubby have and the relationship that you have is how your child will learn how to be in the future, so think about that...is what you are going through the way you want your babe to be?

Elizabeth - posted on 06/27/2011

the best thing you can do is walk away and take a cooling off period then when you are both calm revisit the issue the biggest thing is if your child sees you two start a fight make sure he sees you resolve it and hug eachother so that he sees that while yes issues arise you guys can "make-up and play nicely" so to speak. My husband and I try to follow one rule when we have arguments besides that one and that is to never go to bed mad.

Timora - posted on 06/27/2011

When my husband and I argue my 2 year old daughter starts telling us "no don't talk to mommy" and "no don't talk to daddy" sometimes even if we are calmly discussing things. We have our yelling arguments too. Usually in our more heated arguments I will start to cry at some point and if she sees this she says "mommy's sad, I give mommy a hug" And I always feel horrible that she saw us in such a heated argument. I agree with trying not to yell and scream in front of kids and trying to use all the suggestions mentioned previously, but I don't think I ever saw my parents even disagree as a kid and I think it gave me this idea in my head that spouses should always get along, so then it upsets me more when my husband and I argue. So I don't try to shield her from us disagreeing and arguing more calmly. When we have yelled in front of my daughter I try to always apologize to her and then also let her see us happy with each other after we've worked it out so she knows mommy and daddy do love each other. Parents are not always perfect either.

Tonia - posted on 06/26/2011

kids know everything...trust me my daughter is one and me and my husband kid around some times...she starts screaming and crying...

Shibahn - posted on 06/26/2011

My husband and I help give a retreat for engaged couples getting married and one of the talks we give includes how to argue fairly. Big suggestion, hold hands or sit in his lap. It's hard to yell at each other when you're touching each other. When my husband and I would argue and we'd remember to hold hands or touch, our voices would immediately calm down and we could solve the problem together. Just a little hint and I hope things work out for you!

Melissa - posted on 06/26/2011

if you and your husband need to work on some things even if it's a "date" night once a week, maybe talk to each of your parents, or a couple friends who could rotate babysitting so you guys can go on a date, or go to counselling so you 2 can get these things sorted out. If you cannot do counselling because face it, it can get expensive, try sitting and talking over a cup of coffee which can fit into more peoples budgets too. Pastors can be a good source too which can be a more affordable way if you are low income and need a more affordable counselling. However, i do encourage to try a date night once or twice a month minimum to try and help you guys have some sort of ADULT night out- doesn't have to be much but just time out for you and your husband! That way maybe it can help cut the tension.

Sriwanti - posted on 06/26/2011

I think 2yo do understand whats going on. I lost it few times in front of my son too. He cried then daddy took him away and calmed him down. Few minutes later my son came to me and said "Yodha love mommy" and stroke my head gently and kissed me. How sweet of him. When we have a chance (son's sleeping or watching dvd) my husband n I talked and the one who did wrong apologized.

Yvette - posted on 06/26/2011

If you are both reacting so aggressively then either both or one of you need to get some anger management counselling. To get into such a rage that you yell tells me that either you already had anger management issues OR the problem you are arguing about has been going on for so long that there is so much pent up emotion that you fly into a rage about it very easily. My husband and I used to always go to our room and shut the door if we needed to discuss something that we were disagreeing on or knew we would disagree on. Maybe you could try being an adult about whatever it is you are angry about and keep your emotions in check until you can take a moment to remove yourself and discuss it, or if you insist, scream about it in private. The screaming and yelling won't get you any results so it does make me wonder why you want to not sort this out, but instead fight, however, the biggest thing right now is to not cause emotional damage to your baby boy, so remove yourself from his eye and ear shot if you can.

Holly - posted on 06/25/2011

Oh, and to agree with Khali, both parties need to be sure to praise each other for the small every day things that get done. Every day at the end of the day I make a point to tell myhusband how happy I am that I am able to stay home to raise our children while he works for us. I tell him how much I appreciate everything he does and I make sure to have to kids say thank you to him almost every day too. He comes home every day and tells me how nice the house looks and always looks for my project of the day (like yesterday was laundry day and he made a point to notice the laundry hamper was empty and the clothes were put away). It makes both of us feel like what we do matters and that together we make a good team :)

Holly - posted on 06/25/2011

Our counselor gave us each a personality test before our first appointment so he could determine the best ways of communication for us. Based on our personalities (my hubby is very extroverted and expects a lot from thsoe he loves while I am more intorverted and tend to want praise for the smaller every day things I do more than the large things I do every once in a while). Here are some of the tips:
~ Always calm down before starting the conversation. If you're angry, don't even attepmt to start talking. Take some time to calm down and organize your thoughts so you don't say something in the heat of the moment that you don't really feel or mean. Also, waiting until you are calm to have the conversation cuts down on the raised voices.
~ Take turns and take notes. Each person needs to be able to speak their opinion without interruption from the other party. If the other party has something to say while the other person is talking, then they should write it down really quickly to remember when it's their turn. Nothing causes arguments to escalate into fights quicker than interruptions.
~ LISTEN to each other. And reall truly listen. Even if you don't want to hear what the other person is saying, you need to listen to them and give them your full attention. If someone feels like they're not being listened to then they start to feel like the other person doesn't care about what they're saying and they get defensive much more quickly. It's hard to listen to stuff sometimes, but it's the most effective tool you have.
~ Go outside. Being outside calms down both my husband and myself. We're both very outdoorsy people, so our couselor suggested we take our conversations outside. We are both calmer in the fresh air and we both can articulate our thoghts better when we're calmer. Also, neither on eof us likes the idea of our neighboors hearing us arguing, so we're more likely to keep our voices down and calm when we're outside.

There's a few more, but I can't really remember off the top of my head. I'd have to go back through all my notes and materials from the counselor and those are all packed up in boxes in my garage at the moment. I hope those tips are useful though! They sure saved my marriage :)

Lauren - posted on 06/25/2011

He understands even when he is a few months old. Yelling in front of your children is never a good idea. Before you know it he will start acting up. Like a few of the ladies have said... adult conversations away from little ears. If you and your husband are fighting that much maybe you should see a marriage counselor. If you dont have insurance many work on sliding scales for payments.

Khali - posted on 06/24/2011

@Lynleigh Robbins and the OP
Personally my husband and I never went to a councelor, but we did learn from each other.. There were times where I would come off seeming as though everything was his fault, which was not at all condusive to him wanting to listen to what I had to say. As well as taking some time to decide if it was something important or if I was making a big deal out of something. And he had to learn to talk to me as his equal(there is an age difference in my marriage) but all in in all it came down to I had to listen and actually hear what he had to say and vice versa.. Some times sleeping on a problem helps too.. For example you are fighting with your husband over not taking out the trash (repeatedly) well you point out that you've asked him again and again, he gets defensive. Instead of saying you piss me off when---------------. try saying I would really appriciate it if you did xyz. Guys respond best to positive re-enforcement, so notice when he does the things you ask, taking out the trash, watching the kids so you can have 5 min of peace, helping with laundry.. The more you encourage the happier things will be and the less likely he is to ignore or become defensive when there is a bigger issue.
hope it helps

Lynleigh - posted on 06/24/2011

I'm interested to know from Holly (who posted before me), and I'm sure the person who posted this question and others will be interested as well, what were some things that you learned about how to "argue" effectively, and how to communicate with each other. What were the top things that you learned from counseling that helped you in your marriage? I know some people don't feel comfortable going to counseling, or their husbands don't want to, so just thought I would ask to get some of that info out there for others (and myself as well). Thanks!

Holly - posted on 06/24/2011

You feel like he understands what you are doing because he DOES understand what you are doing. 2 year-old are VERY sansitive to emotions and raised voices and it's really not good to yell at each other in front of him. I would agre with some other posters in the suggestion that you and your husband need to figure out better ways of communication. My hubby and I struggled with that for the first 3 years of our marriage and it got so bad we almost called it quits. There was nothing wrong with our marriage (the arguments were ALL stupid and silly crap), we just had to learn how to communicate. We ended up going to a marriage counselor and after just 3 sessions our marriage was more solid than ever because we BOTH learned how to communicate with each other. Don't get me wrong, we still have arguments (mostly 'cause we like to make up... lol), but now we know HOW to argue in a constructive way and we both know when we just need to take a break from each other (usually my hubby will take 1 or 2 of th ekids and go driving around for an hour or so and when they come back we're able to talk better).

Tasha - posted on 06/24/2011

Try talking calmly to eachother sometimes after the baby goes to bed. try to evaluate your relationship together. Make a list of things of the good and bad. I know its not easy, but write a letter to eachother with your feelings, whats bothering you and exchange them. that way theres no talking, but still communication. good luck

Khali - posted on 06/24/2011

I would honestly agree with the other mom's who have posted for the most part.. Don't argue in front of him.. Little kids have a way of knowing when mom and dad aren't happy and you really don't want to put the stress on them.. And as far as you and your husband arguing alot.. Take some time to do something as a couple.. I know that for a while my husband and I argued alot but it was always because we put our relationship on the back burner to our kids. I know it gets rough, but remember if your relationship suffers in the long run so does your family.. Hope this helps.

Ruth - posted on 06/24/2011

it's time to go see aq counsellor and start acting like parents instead of wounded children...perhaps he can understand because he is a child which is where you are both coming from when in that state...the wounded CHILD state. Counselling is the best thing to do or you will damage him permantely!!!!!

Stifler's - posted on 06/23/2011

I would stop arguing in front of him. Everyone has arguments as a married couple but if you think it's getting out of hand you need to work out what the real problem is and fix it.

Candice - posted on 06/23/2011

have your adult discussions when little ears aren't listening. Even at 2 years old they can pick up on these behaviors and mimic them. You don't want your child yelling at you when he's unhappy, so your behavior has to model it for him. What are the fights about? If it's about lots of different things, they you two probably need a night out to reconnect and just be a couple (not parents) for a few hours. If it's about the same things, then you may need to get to the root of the problem either while you are both level headded or with a councelor. Prayer always helps too!