Mother-in-Law problems...

Ella - posted on 12/16/2009 ( 33 moms have responded )

16

48

0

With out my consent or knowing, my mother-in-law is purchasing baby's first Christmas items for my first and only child. She keeps on and I give a fake smile and walk off with out saying anything b/c I know if I do say something it wont be nice [we have bad history]. My fiance and I are trying to find something we can start as a tradition and there was a beautiful teddy that we bought for 20.00 and when we got home and showed his parents, his mother [my in-law] said "oh. guess she will have two of them." really matter of factly and sarcasticly. I just grabbed my bags and went to our room. I can't help but cry it really upsets me to know she is taking this away from me as a new mommy and my fiance wont do anything about it. I know my fiance should do something, but I need some advice as to what I should do. Should I say something to her or not? if so what should I say?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Denise - posted on 12/16/2009

82

19

7

Honey the worst thing you can do is let it get to you. If i was in that situation i would of simlpy said '' Two of them? Well now she can have one for keeps and one to play with my daughters so lucky'' It will irritate her but she wont ever show it. Think before you react, i promise if you turn it into a positive for yourself you will start to feel so much better about the situation, Plus there is always ebay for any duplicate and unwanted gifts the you can buy her whatever you desire!!! Chin up and stay positive and please dont cry think of a way around the situation to benefit yourself

Amanda - posted on 12/16/2009

34

26

6

Sweet heart if you don't stand up for your self to her now she will continue to do this to you.Tell her how it makes you feel and insist you do these motherly things for your child.Tell her its not a request its a demand.You are not being rude but you made the child and you gave birth to the child she had her turn.Thats just my opinion though.I had to stand up to my moms over these reason and to his mom over other reasons like her daughter stealing from my car and house.There are just somethings that shouldn't be tolerated.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

33 Comments

View replies by

Christy - posted on 12/28/2009

272

11

15

i totally understand where you're coming from. i think the thing that makes some other mothers not quite get it is that you said this is your first and only child, which i assume means you don't plan on having more. i am in the same situation, i only want one, but i want to be the one to do the sweet and amazing things for my ONLY daughter. my MIL bought my daughter a tricycle for Christmas this year even though she is only 17 months and won't be able to use it for a long while. not to mention it is 2nd hand and rusty and squeaky. in my opinion, big presents like that should be for the parents to buy as well, along with the milestone things.

my MIL also sounds the same way as yours with the sarcasm. she didn't ask me what my daughter still needed for Christmas and got all snotty and offended when she found out Alexia already had some of the things she bought. i wasn't openly mean about it but i did say "it's too bad you didn't ask us before you bought it" basically just so she knew that the guilt trip she tried to put me on hadn't worked.

if you ever do figure out how to get your fiance to talk to his mom about your issues, please let me know lol. i ask my boyfriend all the time to talk to my MIL and he never does.

Shelley - posted on 12/23/2009

12

9

1

at the end of the day you are her Mom, noone else and You make the decisions! Stay strong and take advise of Amanda L- you have to tell her how you feel x

Margo - posted on 12/23/2009

12

24

1

You need to say something or she will just keep doing it. Let her know how she is making you feel. Set boundaries with her. If you don't do the boundaries now you will have bigger problems in the future. This I know from experience. Make sure your husband to be is there for the boundaries discussion so she knows he stands with you.
My boys are 6 and 3 now and my MIL still thinks she has the right to let my children do and have things my husband and I don't agree with in our home, but she never gets away with it. I always let her know, when she tries it, that I'm the mom. She didn't have the 24hr labor, I did.
Be strong and stand your ground this is the first of many battles to come with an MIL that likes to think she can do any thing she wants with her grandchildren. Good luck and your not alone:)

Caitlin - posted on 12/23/2009

29

47

3

I had some problems with my mother in law as well. My husband and I both sat down and talked to her about it, and somethings have been solved, although others have not. Try expressing to her that you and your fiance are trying to start some new traditions for your new family.

Beth - posted on 12/23/2009

12

16

0

you need to stand up for yourself, trust me. I did and me and my mother in law are close.you just have to let her know, she's did this it's your turn

Brenda - posted on 12/23/2009

6

9

0

Quoting Amanda:



Quoting Cassandra:

I don't know what the past history is here but she might just be excited too. I don't think that it's fair to take that away from her either. Yes, you are a new Mom but a Grandma purchasing "Baby's First Christmas" items isn't bitchy unless you aren't Christian and find it religiously offensive. I wouldn't do anything about this. You have to pick your battles. If you have problems with your mother-in-law keep them focused on the issues that are between you/your fiance and not her and the baby. I am pregnant with our first baby right now. My husband and I want everything to go our way too but our parents are too excited to keep them from purchasing items for the new baby. One thing that I picked up on in your comment... do you live with your in laws? If you don't have a good history with your in laws you should work to move out of their home. You would have more control over your personal family that you are building. Save your cash and let her buy the teddy bear.





Cassandra I completly agree with you.






 






Grandparents are always going to be excited about their grandchildren. So to sit there and say that the MIL can not buy any gifts is just plan mean. My husband and I face that as well but we just deal with it because we know the parents are excited....after all its there childrens children.  When I was pregnant my inlaws insisted they buy the baby his bedroom set. All I said was if I may pick it out and they said of course. Its all about compromise and knowing how to talk to your inlaws.






I agree with both of these. My finance and I live with my parents, so my problem isn't quite the same as yours, but I'm sure my finace feels the same way you do. We have had to remind my parents to let him try to do things. We have set boundries so that he and I can try to be good parents but still let them have fun and enjoy their grand-daughter. Compromise is the best thing you can do! Just sit down and try to come up with an agreement on how you two can make this work so that your both happy.

Amanda - posted on 12/23/2009

91

32

4

Quoting Cassandra:

I don't know what the past history is here but she might just be excited too. I don't think that it's fair to take that away from her either. Yes, you are a new Mom but a Grandma purchasing "Baby's First Christmas" items isn't bitchy unless you aren't Christian and find it religiously offensive. I wouldn't do anything about this. You have to pick your battles. If you have problems with your mother-in-law keep them focused on the issues that are between you/your fiance and not her and the baby. I am pregnant with our first baby right now. My husband and I want everything to go our way too but our parents are too excited to keep them from purchasing items for the new baby. One thing that I picked up on in your comment... do you live with your in laws? If you don't have a good history with your in laws you should work to move out of their home. You would have more control over your personal family that you are building. Save your cash and let her buy the teddy bear.


Cassandra I completly agree with you.



 



Grandparents are always going to be excited about their grandchildren. So to sit there and say that the MIL can not buy any gifts is just plan mean. My husband and I face that as well but we just deal with it because we know the parents are excited....after all its there childrens children.  When I was pregnant my inlaws insisted they buy the baby his bedroom set. All I said was if I may pick it out and they said of course. Its all about compromise and knowing how to talk to your inlaws.

Amanda - posted on 12/23/2009

91

32

4

Ella,

Take it from someone who has a very good relationship with her MIL. Do not look like the bad one and tell your MIL she can not buy any gifts. I understand its your first baby and you want to share these prescious moments but you can not honestly get mad if your MIL wants to buy your baby gifts. If you get two of the same things, then go ahead and return it to the store. Even on other things that irritate you about her, always tell your husband to deal with his own mother so that way you do not look like the bad one. All you got to do is make him feel sorry for you and trust me he will be more than willing to tell him mom " Mom, its okay we will take care of this for the baby or Ella will handle that for the baby." Its all about knowing how to play your cards.

Cassandra - posted on 12/23/2009

7

18

0

I don't know what the past history is here but she might just be excited too. I don't think that it's fair to take that away from her either. Yes, you are a new Mom but a Grandma purchasing "Baby's First Christmas" items isn't bitchy unless you aren't Christian and find it religiously offensive. I wouldn't do anything about this. You have to pick your battles. If you have problems with your mother-in-law keep them focused on the issues that are between you/your fiance and not her and the baby. I am pregnant with our first baby right now. My husband and I want everything to go our way too but our parents are too excited to keep them from purchasing items for the new baby. One thing that I picked up on in your comment... do you live with your in laws? If you don't have a good history with your in laws you should work to move out of their home. You would have more control over your personal family that you are building. Save your cash and let her buy the teddy bear.

Kelci - posted on 12/22/2009

40

31

4

My mother in law is the same way. but she bought her a ugly dress and was like this is what she is wearing for her birthday... What was i supposed to do i didnt want to be rude but she my daughter dont you think i should be able to pick what she is wearing or even my daughter pick it really upset me she's MY daughhter and her Grand baby. Like she doesnt think i know what im doing.

Tammie - posted on 12/22/2009

33

1

0

to be honest hes gotta grow some balls. i found if you come out and pick a fight with her it will end badly. you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your partner and make sure he agrees on all topics and come to a middle with him. then its his responcibility as its his mother to talk to her about how shes upsetting both of you. she needs to be pulled into line and told yes shes the grandmother and ment to spoil the children but with the ok from the parents first. if i plan to get my son something i tell my mother as to ensure she doesnt do the same. my parents love their first grandson but they know that is my child for me to enjoy but they know i am happy for them to enjoy the biological son they never got.

he seriously needs to pull her up quick before she gets away with it for too long and you dont want fights breaking out infront of your child. if you need to say something to her run it past your man first. as long as hes fine with you saying something and is willing to back you up 100% when his mother trys (and she will try) to drag him into it. you both have a child together now and hes left that family and became the man of a new family so he needs to start acting like it. that child comes first then you and then the rest of his family (only in that order because you sound like a lovely person).

my partner actually doesnt talk to his mother anymore because of stupid crap she pulls. she lets small children(5 year olds) be exposed to pornagraphic pictures and is not bothered by it and told me when i pulled the little girl out of the room its fine. its one of those its your child either they do as you request or they dont get the privilage of interacting with the child end of story.

Heather - posted on 12/22/2009

192

57

13

It sounds like you live with your mother in law? I, too live with my mother in law and dont have those problems, but we have other problems here and my fiance also wont say anything to his mother. it makes me mad too. I dont feel comfortable saying anything to her, but try to get him to talk to her about things that bug me. Try to tell him how you are feeling when his mom treats you guys like that and have him confront his mom.

Kayleigh - posted on 12/22/2009

9

5

3

sound abit like my mmother in-law she trys to take preshious moments away from me aswell and also causes arguments between me and my partner.the best thing is dont let her no its getting to you(by wakin out)because she nows it is geting to you and she will continue to do this.when she sed that your baby will be having two teddies you should just reply well then he/she can keep 1 hear for when she comes ect...if all ellse fails just pull her to 1 side and tell her that if this behaviour coninues that you simply wont take your child there as often!at tell your man to be a maqn and not a mouse if he can see this is upsetting you he should put his foot down with his mother.hope you have a lovely 1st christmas xx

Chesica - posted on 12/22/2009

1

10

0

Deffinately. Try to sit and talk with her and expain how you feal about her buying things for your baby. You may be able to come to a compromise like a day of shopping together so you can pick out the things you like and if she wants to she can pay for part or all of it. That's what I'm having to do with all of my extended family and if you end up with duplicate items you can always exchange them later or offer them to someone else who maybe can't afford those things for their child's first Christmas.

Mattee - posted on 12/22/2009

229

49

9

All I have to contribute is: is this really a big deal, or is your past with her clouding your judgement? Step back and look at the situation. The things that really matter are your partner and your son. All of the store bought things DO NOT MATTER. Traditons are lots more memorable when it's things like making cokies, or playing games; we read the Christmas story together out of the Bible.... So don't let her get to you. You are way better than that!!!

Julia - posted on 12/22/2009

17

18

2

I've been in a similar situation with both of my in-laws. I didn't like that they were doing things without my knowledge or consent either. I didn't understand how they couldn't understand that there were some things I wanted to do for myself. My son is now 2, and they still do things I don't like, but I understand now that they aren't doing anything as a jab at me, they are doing them because they think he will like it. I did set some boundaries, and they seem to be working, but they took awhile to get the hang of it. If you're really wanting to start something with her that is a tradition, buy a stocking, or a bear or something like that, and have her picture taken with it every year! That is something they can't take away from you, and, is also something YOU can treasure forever! If you do decide to say something, decide what you want to say first, and compliment her on the fact that you know she loves your baby and wants what's best for her, and then, lean into it gently. Don't blame, use the phrase "I feel....when..." It will help diffuse the situation, and help set boundaries on how you speak to one another. Besides, you don't want to cause any riff in her relationship with your daughter! God Bless, and I hope you can figure out what you need to do!

Rebecca - posted on 12/22/2009

28

18

1

If you talk to her it'll make it really awkward. You dont have to have a massive big chat and make a big deal out of it. Just say something about it, be really blazee. When a situation happens just say "oh i would prefer it if you didn't" etc...with a smile. At the end of the day you are the parent but you dont want to be horrible to her and makes it really awkward for everyone. You can't not say anything either. Hope this helps.

Allie - posted on 12/22/2009

11

11

0

I love with my inlaws.We live in an appt bellow their house. I really do not mind the presents so much because they are usually in the form f something useful. I started to get upset this year when everyone started buying her baby's first christmas ornaments...but then my husband and I just went and got her a nice engraved one. My problem is more with her always trying to find excuses to see the baby. Its nice but annoying at times. When they do things that I do not like, I just say it. Like many people have said, that is your family now and you have every right to have things the way you want them. Try first to sit down and nicely talk to her. I also think your fiance should be there...it is his mother.

Emily - posted on 12/21/2009

18

5

0

I cant even express how many problems I have had with my MIL. Going into the situation angry will only make things worse. Alot of stuff I ignored and it just built up and put strain between me and the hubs cause he never stood up either. Recently I broke down and wrote a respectful letter...cause after awhile you just need to do it for yourself. If it comes down to you needing to talk to her make sure you have a conversation with your hubs asking him for his support in all things before attempting it. MIL like to cry and blow things out of proportion! I have so many random gifts that just clutter the closet...its just bound to happen. Make sure she does know YOUR mommy. Even if you are "over-reacting" it is your choice if you want those special times to enjoy with your fiance by your own making.

Heather - posted on 12/21/2009

18

11

1

I had the same type of problem only it was I wasnt doing something right I should do it this way. My MIL told me I wasnt rinsing my daughters clothes well enough when it was actually the lavender lotion she was smelling.So when she watched our daughter overnight I made sure to put the lotion in the diaper bag and she told me the next day "you were right it was the lotion" LOL. Dont let it get to you and just sarcastically say something back to her stand up for yourself because it took a long time for my hubby to be able to stand up for me.

[deleted account]

I think you should calm down and re-examine what you're saying. It's not like she's doing these things to bother you-she's doing them because she loves her grandchild. And if you and your fiance don't have much money (and I'm not saying you don't-for all I know you're a millionaire, but just for the sake of argument...) she may think she's doing you a favor. My mother will overstep her boundaries sometimes without knowing-because she thinks she's helping. I wish my mother-in-law were half as helpful. Trust me-I grew up with a grandmother who cared little about me-she ignored me most of my life and didn't come to my wedding or to see my son when he was born. I know that it wasn't about me, really-she's just a bitch-but I wish I had a more involved grandparent. So try sitting down and telling her that there are some things you want to do but that you appreciate how much she cares about your child-and try really, truly being appreciative, even when it's tough.

Anna - posted on 12/20/2009

165

25

25

def cant let her get to you. if you let her see that her immature ways are getting to you, then you are allowing her to win. in my opinion your fiance should be standing up for you. If its really making you that upset, i would say something to he along the lines of, "you know i appreciate everything that you are gtting for my child, but this is my first child and doing these thigns for her mean something to me"

Valerie - posted on 12/20/2009

77

6

19

I must be the only one on this thread who thinks it's silly to fight with her over presents. You need to pick your battles. She's not taking anything away from you, if you don't like that she's buying these things then keep them in the boxes and put them away or give them to charity or something. But it's silly to get into control fights about presents. Save it for big issues that may arise in the future.

[deleted account]

first of all you and your fiance and baby are ur family.. some mils are a nightmare, luckily mine is not lol.. although in the past when we lived with them there were a few sillly ass situations, now we're good anyways.. if ur mil makes you feel crappy your fiance should be beside you not her, like i said you are his family now, number 1.. i think since Christmas is a week away, just take that with a grain of salt.. i dont exactly know the past with you all.. but make sure that your family is stood up for by you and hubby.. it will only get worse if you dont.. hopefully when ur baby is born, by then the boundaries will be set or at least talked about..good luck and blessings on ur family

Emily - posted on 12/16/2009

97

17

8

Oooooh this makes me so mad! I feel like I wrote this letter! What kind of personality does she have? Is she passive aggressive like mine (and Janet's)? How does she react to "criticism"? My mother in law pulls the same stuff Janet's does or she conveniently forgets that we ever talked about the boundaries that she is crossing. My boyfriend does not stick up for me either. It is a very lonely and frustrating feeling. If you ever need to talk or vent just private message me.

[deleted account]

i have to survive in a similar position, except my mil is extremely passive aggressive and when i try to get her to understand what im trying to explain to her, she get emotional and upset and i feel guilty! i wish my mil was sarcastic then i could really tell her how i feel, she watches my son 3x week while i work and lets him watch tv all day and pacifies any tantrum with food. whenever i try to bring this up in a conversation all she does is get teary eyed and say "iv raised children." You can try to talk to her and hopefully she'll listen and understand but if shes anything like mine anything you say will probably fall on deaf ears. Im sorry i couldnt be more helpful.

Marian - posted on 12/16/2009

12

19

2

just sit and talk to her and just let her know you appriciate her help but you would like to do some things on your own. And just start there if she really cares she will understand

Amanda - posted on 12/16/2009

3

9

0

If you are living in her home, this makes it a very hard situation. I think you should tell her how you feel. No matter what. This is your child and its your time to shine as "Mommy". Just tell her that you would like it if she would let you experience certain things without any assistance. And that if she wants to buy your daughter something that marks a milestone in her without clearing it through you first, then she should not be offended if you have to return her gift because you bought the same thing. If she can't take a few steps back and understand logically that she is stealing your thunder, then your man needs to step up. No husband (which he will be soon) should let his family condescend his wife, especially when it comes to her children. If he doesn't stand up for you now...this will happen your whole life. And you'll end up resenting him for it.

Sarah - posted on 12/16/2009

2

0

0

I'm new here, and I'm obviously in the minority, but maybe you should give yourself some time to calm down and re-examine the situation. Gifts aren't meant to be pre-approved. Is there something else going on that's really the issue? You mentioned that there has been a rocky past. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a mother-in-law fan...the best thing about mine is that she's 1300 miles away most times! ;) Children are expensive! I say take what you can get. The baby doesn't know who bought it, I promise.
~Sarah
mother of Amelia~5, Claire~3, and Adam~7 months

Genevive - posted on 12/16/2009

22

38

3

i am in the very exact position like u.i just fake a smile but i know one day i will end up exploding .manipulates me by being a good mother in law so that i let her do everything she wants with my baby.

Candice - posted on 12/16/2009

36

16

10

mayeb you should all sit down and talk.. say your sorry for past dissagreements that you have had and set some rules.. a grandmothers job is to spoil the baby.. and you'll be greatfull at one point that they do.. but there should also be boundaries.. and dont feel bad about setting some.. this is your baby.. not hers.. if you have issues with confrontation like i do... then try writing her a letter and leave it for her and put a flower with it so she knows that its not a "get out of our life letter." tell her how much you apprectiat her and want her to be a part of everything but you want to do some things on your own .... well i hope this helps you out.. good luck

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms