My child's father has not given me a decision about wanting to be involved or not

Tamara - posted on 03/05/2013 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I am sure that I will be getting a lot of judgement, but I feel that I need to be fully honest in order to get some great feedback.

I am currently pregnant with my ex boyfriend/lover' baby. We were seeing each other for almost 2 years, even though we were in other relationships.

I have decided to proceed with the pregnancy and have left the man that I was with. I had been wanting to leave the relationship for quite sometime and was afraid to do so, and this just helped me get the strength to do it. I am 29 and have a great full time job, and very much able to parent on my own.

When I notified the baby's father, he said he would support whatever decision I made. I told him that I did not want to be romantically involved with him, but would be open for him to participate with the pregnancy etc. He has not told his gf nor his family. He's on occasion contacted me to see how I am feeling, and just this past weekend he advised me that he was attending dinner for his mothers birthday with his gf.

My question is, is it too much to ask for him to just give me a definite answer? That way I know where he stands. I feel I deserve that at least.

Thoughts?

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Kathleen - posted on 03/12/2013

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HORRAH for you; for being a responsible adult and parenting this child. Regretfully your "ex" has given you an answer to your inquiry: "not want to be romantically involved with him, but would be open for him to participate with the pregnancy etc.," he has "moved on..." and that was your answer! Yet, don't allow him to walk away w/o any responsibilities! If necessary, take him to court for child support, this child is "his" too and he also must be a responsible adult! Blessings to you.

Christian - posted on 03/12/2013

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I see that you have an answer from him, BUT please don't be surprised or stressed out once the baby comes and he changes his mind. Just go with the flow, follow your instincts NOT what people say unless it confirms YOUR instincts and keep PEACE in your mind, heart and home . . . that's what I do. :)

My child's father, who I did not want to have a relationship with went from wanting to be at every doctor's appointment to "I'm signing away my rights" to "it's not my baby, you're a liar" to "It's my child, but I will never have any connection to him because you're a horrible person and I want nothing to do with the kid" to "I'm going to court to get custody of my child" to "I want to be in my child's life, but I hate you because you had a baby because you want a relationship with me" to "I just want to see my child".

I just pray, meditate and vow to stay cool and do what I think is the right thing because in the end, I'm the one who will have to live with my decisions. I make sure that my child is not exposed to any drama from me or anyone else. I think the key in this and other challenging situations is to accept that the ONLY person you can control is yourself.

And remember that it will ALL BE FINE. You seem to know that already, but I don't think there is any harm in repeating it over and over. You are blessed and it will be fine. You are blessed and it will be fine. You are blessed and it will be fine. :)

Firebird - posted on 03/05/2013

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Is it too much to ask that you give him some time to come up with a definite answer? Stop pressuring him and let him figure out for himself where he stands. He deserves that. He's probably freaking out right now, and has no idea what to do.You pressuring him is only going to freak him out more, which will likely mean that you'll have to wait even longer to get an answer out of him. Or he could totally crack under the pressure and say something he doesn't really mean because he hasn't figured it all out yet. Let the shock wear off.

Ells - posted on 03/13/2013

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Huni, i was with my baby's dad for 4 years, we split up when my son was 7 months old as my ex was a real bum. he fought in court for 15 months and made my life hell just to get back at me for leaving him and now, two years on, he has nothing to do with the child.
men are like this.
to be fair i am quite happy to raise my 4 year old by myself, us mommys are great and strong and i am sure you can do it too and do a great job as well!
he's the forever unsure, best leave him in the past and carry on with ur life, u dont need a man like that in ur lives.
best of luck xx

Roxanne - posted on 03/12/2013

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first off congratulations! i hope your baby grows to be beautiful/handsome and healthy. Also i understand where you coming from but you should definatley have him tell his gf so it wont cause a whole lot of commotion. :)

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19 Comments

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Mikila - posted on 03/13/2013

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Its not to much to ask, although its not for you its for that baby. He/she deserves to be claimed and to know his/her father. If he doesn't care then you shouldn't either.

Kimberly - posted on 03/12/2013

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Unfortunately men I believe are so indecisive that it can be very frustrating. I think it may end up being a case of you will just have to make the decision for him. Do you really want your child to have the kind of father in there life where they are there one week and then you don't hear from them for another 3. It may sound a little mean and I am sure you are trying to do what you think is best for your child, but do you really want them to have a father who just lets them down and dissappoints them time and time again as it seems that this is the kind of person you ex is.

Nicole - posted on 03/12/2013

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Hey we'll I think he is making it pretty clear and guess what it's his lose. My daughter is 9 and I was kinda in the same situation and her dad didn't want anything to so with her but I found him again and told him and Ll of sudden he didn't know he had another kid and he wants to be in her life now. He even told me that he did a lot of drugs and drinking so he doesn't remember I was like really. Okay buddy whatever. He might decide later on that he wants to be in the babies life or not just leave him alone and if he decides to be part of your child's life then that is up to you. Or have him sign over his rights so you know that he will not be coming in and out of the babies life. It all depends on what you want to do now! And if you don't have that person on your team then I am that person on your team. Whatever you decide everyone should back you up on it! I wish you the best of luck!

Rachel - posted on 03/12/2013

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Well, it's not your place to tell his girlfriend. That's his job. But the longer it takes him to do it, the harder it's going to get. As for you and him, he does need to make a decision, and soon. If he decides not to be a parent, I think you should ask him to sign away his rights so that he isn't in and out of the child's life. If he does want to be involved, you should set up a child support agreement. If he's this wishy washy now, it probably won't change anytime soon.

Tamara - posted on 03/12/2013

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Thank you everyone for your thoughts and encourging words!

He did contact me after he said he did not want involvement wanting to talk, we met up for coffee and I heard what he had to say. I was firm in that the only thing I was giving the option to is allow him to parent. At this time I did not want to be involved in anything romantically and his personal life, as I am feeling good and on track about starting over on my own.

He is very much keen to parent. But he has asked that I do not say anything to his gf etc. The background story on him and his gf is the last 6 months he has asked her to move out and she has been dragging this on. Now of course I only know what he tells me and not sure what really happens behind his doors. Not convinced this is the full truth,

At this point, I am worrying about myself and the baby, and I have a great support team by my side, and all is going to be well. I just don't see how he plans to be involved during pregnancy etc if he has no plan on telling his family or gf for that matter. I do not want to tell his gf myself as this would cause drama I do not care for at the moment. I have told all my necessary parties involved. I believe it is his responsibility to do so.

Chioma - posted on 03/12/2013

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This is serious,but u knw he has moved on his heart belongs to someone else now,I think u should prepare ur mind to face this alone,be strong for ur baby

Lia - posted on 03/12/2013

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my current baby daddy has been dragging his feet on issues as well....I am a 'let's get it done and over with' kind of girl, (it may not be the way you want to do it) what I did just this past 2 Saturday's ago was spill the beans to his Mom...and the next day he was over at my house taking the next big step. Just a suggestion.

Renee - posted on 03/09/2013

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I believe you deserve a definite answer because I know I would have wanted one, but unfortunately you may never get one because some fathers have no problem with walking away in a situation like this... believe me I know from personal experience... and still today he doesnt show his face. So my advice to you Tamara is, is that I believe that you should prepare to take care of your child as a sole parent, because whether he gives you an answer or not you will still have to provide, love and care for your baby!! And believe me thats all that he/she will need it doesnt matter if he decides to be in your childs life or not. Honey you'll be just fine trust me if I can do it with two kids than you can do it!!! ♥

Christa - posted on 03/07/2013

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It sounds like he has given his answer! You can't force him to be apart of the baby's life, you can only hope he wants too. My daughter's father has never been involved and honestly, I think it's for the best. Having someone in their life that thinks of them as a chore isn't going to be best for them, even if that person is dad. Focus on loving your baby, not what father is up to, and everything will be ok. Maybe he'll change his mind, but if not you didn't waste precious family time trying to make him.

Reanne - posted on 03/07/2013

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I think it is Boris not too much to ask of a man to decide while you are pregnant if he wants to remain involved or not and he is the one who should be conscience of your delicate balance of hormones and fears I am glad you finally got an answer from him so you can do why is nessesary to prepare for life with your baby without him. There are so many guys who procrastinate till the last second and then just ditch good for you for giving him the opportunity but too bad he is too scared his GD might not understand, any woman with half a brain should be able to accept a cute little baby and be adult enough not to be dramatic about it good luck and hope everything goes we'll for you,

Tamara - posted on 03/07/2013

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I don't appreciate the comment of the crazy card, especially as you don't know the whole story nor me for that matter. I am simply trying to avoid having the stress of him coming in and out as he pleases, I have not asked anything romantic of him.

I have taken ownership of my actions and aware what we both consented to was a very big error. It was not a one night thing...what's done is done. He has decided to not be involved as of this morning as it will crush his current gf. So I've learned my lesson, and at this point I'm happy and content that I can now be at calm and take care of myself and the baby on its way.

Jodi - posted on 03/06/2013

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Don't assume anything, that is really unfair. I think putting so much pressure on him may also chase him away - an animal that feels backed into a corner is going to turn on you and try to get out. Just because he didn't want to come to the ultrasound, doesn't mean he doesn't want to be involved with the child. Maybe he just doesn't really want to be involved in the details of the pregnancy. Just remember that many men view pregnancy differently than we do, especially in these early days when they are not actually having to deal with it on a day-to-day basis. He is probably not feeling connected with this child like you are. I think you need to allow him time, and back off a little bit. Let him know the door is always open for him to be in his child's life, but don't nag him to death to tie him down to an absolute decision on his involvement. Give him space to think about what he wants too.

Tamara - posted on 03/06/2013

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Update: He texted me last night to tell me his counselling session went quite well. He wants to meet for coffee to talk. He ignored the invite to a ultrasound this morning. So I assume that means he wants to tell me he is not going to be involved.

Ndugga - posted on 03/05/2013

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I think he hasnt decided yet either because if he didnt want anything to do with the baby,he would have told u already,guys dont really have a problem with running from responsibility. Give him a little more time and if he is stil undecided,just leave him and raise your child alone,fortunately u have the resources.
Goodluck

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