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My children are calling my ex

Ashley - posted on 08/28/2010 ( 56 moms have responded )

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Okay here's the scoop. I am 23 years old with 2 children, a 6 year old son and a 2 year old daughter. Me and their father are separated and both me and the children father have remarried. He currently has a 6 month old son with his wife and take our 2 children overnight on the weekends and I have no children with my husband.

My problem is that when my ex's wife came and picked up my children my daughter ran to her yelling "Mommyyy!" And it honestly bothered me a lot to hear her call another woman Mommy. Now when I heard this I didn't say anything I just kissed them good bye and called their father to talk to him about it.



When I spoke to him I told him how I felt and he told me that both my son and daughter call her mommy and they do it when they are with him and they didn't force them to do it. I asked him if he could correct them especially my 2 year old daughter. He responded with No! that he didn't care, wasn't going to do anything about it and that I was acting childish. He also said that my son says to him "My other daddy Raph" when speaking about my husband to his father but I told him that he only says that when referring to him and that when the kids are home they call my husband by his first name and nothing else.



Well I don't know what to think, I am very hurt by this and pissed off by the fact that my ex don't care at all. I asked him nicely to just correct our children when they call his wife mommy and he won't. Whats even more troubling about this is that quite a few times my daughter has came home from her fathers house calling me by my first name which both me and my ex's wife both share, Ashley (but she spells it Ashlee).



Why would she be calling his wife Mommy and calling me Ashley? I find it strange and I also feel like its confusing to my daughter. I need someone Else's opinion about this because I don't know what to do. I feel like he is doing it on purpose and its either I let it go on or doing something about it.







I just wanted to update my progress:

I usually just ask my son about the things he does and who he visits while he is with his father, never asking my son details about how his father treats him and his sister or what goes on at his house but with my son telling me that him and his sister are being forced to call his wife mommy I started prying a little into what goes on at his father's house and my son has told me some disturbing things that go on there, he also told me other things about how his father and his wife treat my children. I once again confronted my ex about it and of coarse he denied all of it and said my son was making it all up. I have to say that I do believe my son because I am sad to say his father does have domestic violence record towards me but that was also 4 years ago.

But I looked into the local laws in my area and the one statement out on child custody laws that does apply to me is "If there is no court order, you should use your judgment about allowing visits, as knowingly putting a child in the care of a person who presents physical danger to the child could be considered neglect" I don't have a custody order with my ex and I am currently trying to find a play therapy councilor in my area but I am currently having no luck. I am trying to figure out what to do, I don't want to out right tell the kids father you can't see the kids because of what my son tells me, just in case he is possibly making it up but I don't want him to take them until i can get my son into therapy so he can speak to someone else about what is going on. I am also worried that if I stop him from seeing the kids that he or his mother (who hates me) tries take me to court for custody or visitation. How would I prove to people and courts that my children shouldn't see their father without traumatizing my children in the process? I know his mother and his whole side of the family wouldn't believe me thinking I am trying to "brainwash" my kids, In all honesty it sounds selfish but I like it when they see their father because it's like a mini vacation for me and I get to relax for the weekend.

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Ashley - posted on 08/30/2010

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I tried to explain to my daughter that I was her mommy and she was her step mother but she didn't seem like she understood what I was saying. As for my son hes old enough to know the difference but he said that she doesn't like it when he calls her by her first name. I tried to ask why? and what happens if he calls her Ashlee and he got quiet and won't tell me. I told him that next time he see's his father not to call her mommy, to call her Ashlee and to say I told him too and if she didn't like it to talk to me about it.
But I'm worried because I think they are intimidating my kids especially if he won't talk to me about it.

Melanie - posted on 08/30/2010

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First off, I think it's messed up that, knowing it bothers you, he won't correct it. And your daughter coming home and calling you by your first name can be common for kids her age, but someone had to teach them your first name. If you didn't then they must have. I don't have any recommendations, sorry. I just wanted to inform you of my opinion on the matter.

Sandra - posted on 08/30/2010

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children this age DO NOT LIE.

I have had step parents, and I have always called them by their first name, because that is what I was told to call them. The only reason I could see your children calling her "mommy" is, as they told you, that she makes them.

Your husband is going to side with her, his wife. In all honesty, he might not even know she does this. It could be that she tells them to call her mommy when he is not around, so is not aware of it.

This needs to be stopped.

I really don't know what to tell you. You have to explain to your daughter that there is only ONE mommy, and that is you. you should also tell your daughter that you know Ashlee wants her to call her mommy, and this hurts your feelings, because you are the only mommy. Reassure her that if she tells her to call her mommy again, she should tell her that she only has one mommy.

I am so sorry you are going thought this, I would be heartbroken.

Ashley - posted on 08/30/2010

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I actually talked to my kids about it they told me that my ex's wife forces the kids to call her mommy because she doesn't like them calling her by her name. When I called my ex and told him about this he claims my children are lying and making it up. i don't believe him because why would my 2 year old daughter and my 6 year old son lie about that or even have a reason to make it up and I know understand why shes calling me ashley, it's because she's being forced by another woman to call her mommy. I don't know what to do, he's not admitting to his wife making my kid call her mom and my children both my children say shes making them do it. And another reason why I know its going on is because my son doesn't like her at all. He claims she is mean to him and Tell's my ex to hit the kids when they are miss behaving.

Betty - posted on 08/28/2010

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I'm sure when she calls you Ashley it's only because they talk about you in front of her. I hope they don't call you that when talking to her directly.
I've been a step mom for the last two years and my step daughter calls me by my first name. At first I would just not respond when she called me mommy(kinda mean huh?) until she learned that she doesn't need to call me that. Now when she calls me mommy it's either by mistake or it's a term of endearment(not because she thinks she should).
They probably started calling her mommy because of the baby. Now that she's a mother people are calling her 'mommy' around the baby out of instinct. The kids pick up on that and want to feel like part of the family over there so they do the same. It's your ex's choice to let them call her that and I don't think there's a way to correct it without his support. I know this must hurt a lot and I don't envy you at all.
You may want to avoid doing transfers with the step mom as much as possible to protect yourself from further pain.

Natalie Rose - posted on 08/28/2010

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Broken families definitely come with some tough issues but I think I would feel very much like you do in this situation. You are her mother, and whether or not your ex's wife cares for her part-time, she did not give birth to her. In a way,it might be your daughter's choice but since she is only two, it seems like she might need some guidance in what she should be calling her step-mom. Also, if she comes home calling you Ashley I would get down on her level and gently request that she call you mommy, because you ARE her mommy. Maybe tell her that you love it when she calls you mommy and it makes you feel happy, and that you are her only mommy. Broken family or not, you will always be her mother and I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to request that your daughter not call another woman "mom".

And I don't fault you for feeling hurt, I imagine I would be quite hurt, too. After all, she's your creation, no one else's. I hope you can resolve this, it might also be encouraging to know that your daughter will probably understand your feelings about this more as she gets older. It sounds like she's probably pretty confused about it!

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