My husband is never home **5/28/10 UPDATE alittle cussing**

Shauntell - posted on 05/28/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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So, I really just need to get this off my chest!

My husband is a farmer, and he works extremely hard! BUT when the weather is nice, he's working (doesn't bother me at all). When the weather is bad, so he can't work, he goes out with his buddies! I'm home 24/7 with our 11 month old daughter, and he probably spends 30 minutes a day with her! She's up for 30 minutes before he takes off for the day, and then is in bed by the time he decides to come home!



Sometimes he tells me that I shouldn't mind him going out, because I went out to a movie the night before... I'm usuallly home by 9 when I go out, and he's never home before 1 in the morning! It's like our marriage is just one big "well, you did this, so I get to do this".



I'm used to him not being home, because he did the same thing when we got married when I was 19 (3 YEARS AGO) But he needs to be home for his daughter! Am I wrong?





UPDATE

So he got home from the bar about 12 last night, I don't care anymore... But he KNOWS that if I have to get up the next day for work, then he gets up with Kylee if she wakes up through out the night... He didn't! She was up from 11:30 til 1:45, around 1:30 he decides to FINALLY get his ass out of bed and help try to get her back to sleep, all he does is bring her to our bed. Then he started asking me "How is she, is she up to state or just citizen?" I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, then something about "5 fingures", "soil conservation", and then the "state or just citizen" thing came out... Still no idea, and when I KEEP asking him what he's talking about, he tell me that I'm stupid (he was very mean about it).

Then when he finally got across that he was asking if I gave Kylee any teething medicine (I still don't know what he was talking about before) I said ya... Then he goes on to tell me how big of a bitch that I am (supposedly this is coming from his friends) because I sent him a few texts last night, one saying "love you, good night" and the other one asking if he was going to stay home with Kylee today or if I needed to take her to his moms this morning...

So, I guess I'm just a stupid bitch!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

I agree w/tiffany! I'd walk too...I don't care what kind of work a man does...if he wants a family then i expect a certain time commitment. My husband doesn't get to go play, and he sure as hell don't get to until 1am! If he isn't home for our kids to say good night to I'm on his ass! I calculated the time he spends with @ the time 1 son, and showed him...I broke it all down, time spent in front of the TV, computer, showering, dressing/getting ready for the day, etc. DOES NOT COUNT as quality time spent w/family. You break that crap up, hell make a pretty pie chart? or bar graph? IDK...it looks bad! How the hell can they argue that? When you put it in B&Wh. it looks ugly! Especially when they are spending more time showering then w/the kids! Make sure you put alone time on there too...if there is any. Be factual. I broke up a "typical" day:

Wake: 5:45a.
5:45-6:05a getting ready and leaving for work
6a-3p at work
3p-4p Showering, smoking (he spends too much time outside for this), etc.
4p-6p Friends over (poss. playing w/kid 30mins.)
6p-6:30 eating diner
6:30-8 watching TV (atleast 1 hr), playing with kid(s)
8p-5:45a sleeping

So come the end of the day...he was looking at most an hour spent w/the boy and atleast that watching TV or hanging out with his friends...US time=none, that was a typical work day!

Before I went back to work it was pretty bad on weekends too, but now he watches the boys weekends and so he clocks in maybe 13 hrs...an hour or 2 may be spent sleeping...Unfortunately he also considers that enough for the week? *roll my eyes* I of course do not let that fly so much...by leaving him with one of his boys while I go shopping for food or whatever...we have 2 boys so its easy to leave him w/one of em... Good luck hun! I'd lay the law down! If you want SEX or a family then you need to do XYZ... spend more time with your family then with your friends, wait until after the baby has gone to bed and we've spent an hour together before you go out w/your friends? If he's going to be out until 1a then he can wait until 9 or 10 to go out. IMO

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Sarah - posted on 07/30/2012

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I hear you there although I may be in a worse situation. I have a 10 month old and her daddy is either out of town at work or playing... He only is working maybe 4 to 5 days every 2 weeks so we are scraping by living in my parents unfinished basement. Then when he is not working he is camping, fishing, hunting, and drinking with the guys none of witch is at home. I would just leave but where am going to go he has made it so I no longer talk to my friends. Then 6 days ago when he was leaving to go on a horse ride with my dad none the less he was upset he did not have any money for liquor not that I did not have enough formula for our daughter. I am at a loss for words at this point. How someone could be so selfish is beyond me. I am now sitting here on day 6 and wow all I have to say is pretty much anything I had left of feeling for him is gone. I went out to go pick up a free high chair because we don't have the money for one and the guy giving it away knew me and used to have a crush on me. I did not even recognize him he knew me though and was telling me he never thought that I would be getting free stuff off the classifies. I have changed from being independent to being a beggar is what it feels like. I am so upset he thinks I can just get cash out of my imaginary piggy bank and buy her formula. Thank god for them sending me a bunch or she would have not had any. She came 3 months early and was in the hospital and he took off hunting. She was sick and he could not even be there. I am so tired of being a doormat and it is not going to be good for her to watch this going on. She is going to think that this is how a guy is and get treated the same way. I don't think that there is any way to work this out I am emotionally drained. Thank god we are not married... If he every buys a ring he can take it and put it where the sun don't shine. Hope he packs his stuff and leaves. Don't want to give him a excuse to tell her I threw him out.

Margaret - posted on 06/05/2012

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My husband is never home either. We have 2 kids, after work he goes to his friends houses on average 4 nights a week, the weekends he is gone one day an sleeps the other. If I tell him he has to stay home or if I try to plan family stuff he just pouts the whole time. I feel like I don't have partner. I do everything around the house including mowing the lawn, cutting fire wood, cleaning, taking care of the kids and so on. He tells me that I sit on my a$$ all day because I am not working. After we had our second child the cost of daycare for 2 kids would almost equal my salary so I did not go back. He gives us no money for food, gas ect. He comes home at about 9 or 10 at night 4 out of the 5 days that he works. I feel like he just comes home to sleep. I almost prefer him to be gone because when he is home he just complains and tells me I sit on my fat a$$ all day. (I am not fat I weigh 130 pounds and am 5'5"). I am also going to school and working on masters degree in accounting. I am going to get my CPA license and a good job when I am done. I feel like I just stay because I have no where else to go. I would work in the afternoon so I don't have to pay daycare but he refuses to watch the kids. He has never watched our son who is a year now and he has only watched our other kid 4 times and she is 5 years old.

Before we had our second kid I was the only one who had a full time job for 4 years and I paid all the bills besides daycare which he paid for with his part time job. On his days off he would just go fishing and did not do anything to help us out.

He complains to his family and friends about me and says that I sit at home all day and do nothing, I think it is starting to make me really depressed staying with him. I resent him for the way he treats me so I cannot stand him touching me anymore. When he does touch me he touches me in a very sexual way when I am busy cleaning the house or feeding the baby and personally I cannot stand it.

Before we had kids we used to be best friends.... I just wish I had a partner that wanted to hang out with me and the kids and do family stuff. I love my kids more than anything and I don't like their father role model being someone who never spends time with them.

[deleted account]

Lizzie who is helping you while you are on bedrest? Go stay with them! If my husband thought he might not be there to see his child be born he'd wise up real quick! Neil needs a wake up call! Take a cue from Shauntell and pack your bags and move out!



I had a customer come in today and say he was sorry he is a bachelor now because he has to do all his cooking and cleaning and he realized how good he had it when he was married and he didn't have to do any of that...of course all i could think was that maybe the fact that he DIDN'T do any of that attributed to his bachelorhood, but I kept that to myself...He was old enough to be my father I wasn't going to throw it out there :)

Lizzie - posted on 05/29/2010

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I am going through the EXACT same thing! my hubby is 26... we have 2 kids and one on the way... his friends all hate me bc I expect Neil (hubby) to be home at a decent hour as well as answer his cell when i call or text him... Im a terrible woman i guess LoL. But, he NEVER does, NEVER gets home before 2, drinks EVERYDAY and then lies about it like i cant smell it on his breath or something, im on bed rest right now just for a couple weeks and yet I am lazy bc i havent cleaned the house! and it goes on and on... So, I do know exactly what you are going through! If you want to talk I am here! I am 22 years old and I swear I have been through it all. Sorry you have to go through this.... I wouldnt wish this upon my worst enemy!

Shauntell - posted on 05/29/2010

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Thank you guys SO SO SO much! I left to stay with my parents for a while... He has our daughter this weekend because he's rained out, and already he is saying how much he wants me home. I have a family reunion today, and he never wanted to go to that before, but then he asked what time it was so he could show up. I told him that if he expects that I'm going to come back just because he shows this one thing of effort, he is wrong! I'm going to stay at my parents house for until he can show me that he is ready to grow up...

(for those of you wondering, he is 25 years old, his friends are anywhere from 23-30... His friend are neither married or have kids, so he is still trying to fit in with them still, but I'm done! No more going out all the time and not spending time with us... if he wants to keep doing that, then I'm leaving for good! (I told him all of this before I left))

Sheryl - posted on 05/28/2010

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ok my husbend works all hours to. but he knows that coming home around 1 to 2 in the moring is not right. my husbend had friends before cause i would call him and till him that i love him and one time i told him to come home cause he was wasted and they where going to go to a bar. he hated me at the time but realize i only said that and did what i for him cause i loved him. sound like somewhat of a mid life problem! finally i told my husband fine you want to live like a single man then fine go theres the door! two days later i got i am so sorry i love you and the baby! sometime thats what it take and sometimes men just don't got what it takes. witch is sad but if thats what it is then maybe its better that in the long run that you find out know instead of later. sound like to he needs to get new freinds like married ones. men who have friends who are not married don't get it untill they get married. you and the baby des. better! also him allow his friends calling you a bitch is not right at all. you husbend should not allowing anyone say that about you. he the one who is supposed to stand up for you. you got to stand up for you and that baby! but if you do i would talk to him when the baby is not there if you do go do something what the ladies are tilling you. best of luck hope things get better for you two.

Elimar - posted on 05/28/2010

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Okay, obviously the man is not ready for a family... I'm not sure how old is he, but he still in the bachelor stage, you talk to him but he does not know how to register what is being said. Unfortunately there is one way that you could fix the problem. This option, hate to put it this way, is pretty much of a threat, but it will give you the clearity to figure out if he is ready for you and your child or he is still in the 'I am single' stage... Using divorce papers. I hate this option, but it sometimes register in a person's mind... (if you don't get your stuff together, then sign here!) Talk to your parents, see what they think.

Amanda - posted on 05/28/2010

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I completely agree with Tiffany. So many men decide that their life shouldn't change at all just because they have a wife and kids. NO, you are wrong lol... Having friends is great, he can invite them over to hang out on the weekend for a barbecue or something like that. He needs to realize that he should be spending time with his kid(and wanting to) and his wife. And he needs to realize that you do just as much work, maybe it's not physical labor, but it sure can be trying, and you need help sometimes too. Sit down and talk to him, see if you can get your point across, if not, if you know someone, go stay with family or a friend for a couple days and don't talk to him at all. Then you'll have your answer one way or another, he'll either miss you both like crazy and want to work it out, or not have cared, and you will know that you aren't as important to him as you deserve to be and could be better off without him.

Chrissy - posted on 05/28/2010

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I agree, make him see that he has pushed you over the edge. Leave (dont let him talk you into staying) now, because it may get worse if you wait. I feel that if someone breaks your heart enough, you get to the point where you just dont care about that person and there is no love for them. If you do truely love him and want to try and make it work, leave and see how far he gets. Good luck hun! Remember, you are not alone!

Tiffany - posted on 05/28/2010

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He's still living like a bachelor.

Tell him flat out: If you want to live like a bachelor, I can make it happen. If you want to live like you have a family, then things NEED to change.

If he says things are fine, then walk out (right then, with a bag already packed and ready to go) and go to a far away friend's home. Live there until he decides he misses his family. IF he doesn't, then he has never been ready to live life as anything but a sperm donor.

Tina - posted on 05/28/2010

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wow you are in a rough spot. i too am involved with a farmer and yes they work a lot. however my fiance does not go out with friends when he is off work he comes home to help me. he used to complain that all i did was sit around at home and do nothing all day. so he had a day where it was too icky out ofr him to work so i showed him everything i do in the house and with the baby all day by the end of the day he said wow i cant wait to go back to work where i dont have to clean all day. we have not had a problem since regarding that. i am not sure if showing him everything you do will help. i think you need to just sit him down and explain to him that he needs to spend time with his daughter. our daughter is 10.5 mos old and yesterday when scott got home he said wow our baby is going to be one in a month and a half. i think my next day off we should do something really special as a fammily. sounds like your hubby needs a reality check

Kathryn - posted on 05/28/2010

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Wow, I'm so sorry. I've been there though. Not sure how you could get through to him about how you feel. It took me a while with my husband to make him understand. I know I'm not much help, but I hope things get better for you.

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