my mother in law teaches my daughter bad things-help!

[deleted account] ( 13 moms have responded )

my mother in law spoils my 4 year old and has ever since day one,but now its getting to the stage where she undermines what me and my partner say right infront of us!and our daughter thinks she can get away with it when nanna leaves...

for example,we'll be sitiing eating dinner at the dinner table,she'll come over to visit and bring not just one lollipop but a whole bag of lollipops,my daughter will stop eating her dinner and my mother inlaw will give her a lollipop straight away,my partner wil tell her "no mom,she has to eat her dinner' then his mother will laugh in his face and say 'well im her grandmother and shes my number one girl and i dont get to see her that often so im spoiling her'...(she also swares when saying that so just put in where u think a sware word is meant to go!) SHE DOES THIS INFRONT OF MY DAUGHTER!and shes done it more than once.

when she leaves,brooklyn (my daughter) is in a terrible mood,nasty and full of attitude.we have told my mother inlaw the behavour brooklyn displays after she leaves and she laughs about it.another family member (my mother inlaws older sister) has told her to stop it,stop spoiling brooklyn as its causing drama,she told her own ster to mind her business as once again its her granddaughter and she dont give a *@&# what anyone says!

shes also taught my daughter to eat the nuttella and peanut butter out of the jar with her finger!!!i told my daughter we dont do this in our house but then my mother inlaw will let her do it in her house!should i still be making rules for my daughter even if i dont approve of her teaching my daughter to do that even at her house?

i think she does it so shes brooklyns favourite nanna over my mom?yeah i dont have a problem with the grandparents spoiling my children but set limits about it.back on to the lollipop thing,she will pour the packet of lollipops into a container (showing brooklyn),then put the container in a drawer thats at brooklyns level and tell her "now when u want a lollipop u can go and get one"!now in my house i monitor what my daughter eats.if she wants candy she doesnt have it before lunch,not everyday,and she needs to eat all her breakfast and lunch for me to even think about letting her have any candy and be on her best behaviour as i use candy as a my mother inlaw doing that,its just undermining the rules i set in my house and letting brooklyn have no limits to junk food...

(when she leaves and when brooklyn has forgotten about the lollipops i throw them in the rubbish)

she has also taught my daughter to punch her uncle (her son) in the rude part as she thinks its funny...shes also taught her to stick her middle finger up at me and her daddy...

its like she cant be told!what can i do?shes soo immature...she wants both my daughters to stay overnight at her house one weekend.her house is a 3 hour drive down south!no way am i letting daughter loves her and i know its not my daughters other daughter is 8 months old and is a momys girl so cries when she goes to her!HELP!!


Iysha - posted on 01/05/2010




I would come down hard on grandma. i would let her know that her behavior is effecting her granddaughter in a seriously bad way. I would let her know that she can spoil her granddaughter in a good way by taking her out for Ice Cream, taking her to see a movie, taking her good NORMAL healthy ways. I would also let her know that by acting the way she does makes your house hold turn upside down and is making your daughter turn into a monster and that you hate punishing your daughter but you have no other option if she is going to act that way. That is a bad grandma and she needs to be put in her place. Threaten with less visits on a time limit and with someone present. If she can't follow your rules for your daughter, she has no business being alone with her.

Nicole - posted on 01/05/2010




wow. well i would still set rules. i have a 3 month old baby and the boyfriend's mom spoils the hell out of haley, she never sets her down. so when she comes home to mommy she's really crabby and wanting constant attention and she refuses to self soothe because of it. i think im going to have this problem, because its like a competition with my mom i swear. i have to add though, my boyfriends mom spoils her kids, and i come from a family where we weren't too spoiled. i don't want my daughter to be spoiled i want her to be respectful. when she gets to that point, i will put my foot down. just remind yourself that you are her mommy and she had her chance to raise her kids and its your chance now. and tell her that (not like it will get you anywhere) but i would also say that if she continues to do this, then she doesn't need to come around much until she respects you and your partners rules.

Tannis - posted on 01/05/2010




Holy cow!!! I am shocked. Gramma would be losing priveleges pretty fast. I have to agree with Jodi. Gramma needs to be set straight. You are the parents, not her. She's had her chance to raise kids and make her mistakes and now it's your turn. You sound like you've got things under control (with the exception of gramma). Stick to your guns on this one. These are your kids and you will raise them to be amazing little people, with or without gramma around. Good luck to you both!

Laura - posted on 01/05/2010




I would not let my daughter see her or let her come over until she can abide by the rules that I set in place. Might be a little harsh but I think it would get the point across.

Jodi - posted on 01/05/2010




Wowza...that's a pickle! First, I would try sitting down her and your husband (NO children present) and have a firm but civil conversation about your expectations for your child and of her as grandma. I would inform that if she can't respect the limits you would like to be set for your child both at your home and in hers then Brooklyn doesn't need to be influenced by such behavior. I'm not saying that she shouldn't see her grandma, but make it very infrequent and very supervised. And as much as it sucks to be the bad guy, when Grandma gives her a lollipop before she's finished her lunch, take it from her and assure her that when she's finished she may have ONE, the rest need to be put up high, regardless of where Grandma has already put them. As for foul language and the finger...your daughter needs to know that you mean business and that it's not acceptable, when she partakes in such behavior give her a time out. One minute for every year of her age. Not only will this hopefully prevent your daughter from doing it, but perhaps if Grandma sees that SHE is causing her precious "number one girl" to be punished she'll quit. Best of luck!

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Melissa - posted on 01/06/2010




If I were you I would sit her down, with your husband of course, & tell her if she wishes to continue seeing your children this WILL stop. I had to do it w/ my mother in law. The idea of not seeing her at all is much worse than not being able to teach her bad things. Your #1 job is to raise a respectful responsible adult. If she can't respect you as Brooklyn's mother, she has no place in her life.

Katie - posted on 01/06/2010




Wow, that is awful. I definitely agree with what everyone has already told you. You need to sit Grandma down and explain that she needs to respect your rules and if she doesn't want to do that, then she shouldn't be involved with Brooklyn that much. Yes, grandparents spoil their grandchildren, but there definitely needs to be a limit. She should not be disrespecting the rules you and your partner set for Brooklyn. Plus, the hitting thing and middle finger is ridiculous. She should not be teaching a little girl to do things like that. You need to stop Brooklyn from that behavior immediately. Ultimately, you are the parent, so you set the rules, even if it means that you have to be the bad guy. If your mother in law can't respect that, then she should not be spending time with her grandchildren. Sounds harsh, but she should not be undermining you. Good luck! :)

Kerry - posted on 01/05/2010




tell her that she is your daughter u will set the rules and she has 2 respect them if ya daughter acts up with u when grandma is there punish her by putting her in time out then grandma will c that u mean business and that what she is teaching Brooklyn 2 do is getting her in 2 trouble and punished 4 it if that dosent change her then tell her she isnt welcome 2 c her until she changes and if your partner agrees that his mother is causing trouble he will respect ya decision 2 do so.

Jessica - posted on 01/05/2010




I'm so sorry that you are going tru this. I also had major issues as far as my son goes with my MIL. After a long time of just letting it go, it came to a very large blow up. My husband had to step in and tell his mother that he was our son and we make to rules and if she can't understand that than she would not be allowed to see our son anymore. It actually did take aobut 6 months of us not seeing my inlaws to get the point across, but at the end of the day it worked, my MIL asks me permission to do anything with my son. My best advise can be you all to sit down and talk this out before it comes to blows, and lay down the law. hope this helps.

[deleted account]

I think its time to ground Grandma. Make it aware that she doesn't get to spend time with Brooklyn until she starts respecting your rules. Thats honestly what I would do. I know it seems harsh, but grandma's harsh too. If you don't put your foot down now she will never stop. I put my foot down the day my first daughter was born. Actually when i was in labour. I had told my mom for 9 months i didn't want her to come into the delivery room and she hung out til the very last second. And i never gave in. She tried to guilt me but didn't work. And I didn't like the way my mother always yells and never just talks and she never got to take my daughters for a weekend. My inlaws have been great, we moved closer to them 4 years ago, and only once have i had to explain to my father in law that he didn't give birth to them. And no issues since. They actually back me up when my kids go crying to them so i'm thankful. I feel for you though, from when i was closer to my own overbearing mother.

Andrea - posted on 01/05/2010




I feel for you. I consider myself lucky. My mum is perfect with my five month old.
And as their is no man in my life, no extra grandparents. And the friends who are like family know and respect my rules for little Sorcha. They know I won't tolerate any violations of my rules, especially as she gets older.

Put your foot down. You are Mum and need to be respected in your home.
If she can't follow that, then limit her access to your children.

Laura - posted on 01/05/2010




I am really sorry you have all these problems with your partner's mother. That is one thing that I guess I take for granted. The only grandparents of my daughter that live "near" me (less than 1 hour drive) is my Mom and Stepdad and while they spoil her to a degree they don't overstep their boundaries and hold to my rules. If I am there and Jade tries to go to them to get out of doing something I ask they say "what did your mommy say?" or "Listen to your mommy" Even all the other grandparents lived closer they would all do similar things cause that has been my experience when they are in town. I hope that you can nip this in the bud and get things straightend out but I am afraid to say that you may have to do a little tough love and not allow her to see your daughter until she decides that she can follow the rules for your daughter that you have in place. Have your partner bring it up so its coming from him and not you too, it may have a little more of an impact if its coming from him and not you and that way you know he's on your side 100% and not letting his mom walk all over you guys.

[deleted account]

wow ladies!thank you gals sooo much for all of ya'll advise!muchly appreciated,u have no idea!
but its like what we say to her and now even extended family members are getting themselves invovled she simply doesnt listen!!shes a young grandma,43,my partner and i are 25 & 26,she was young when she had her children,and shes really not mature.she has 5 children along with my partner who is her second eldest.she was 16 when she has her 1st..i know she means well and thats the stereotype i guess the public puts on grandparents "that they spoil their grandchildren",im sure when all our children have babies and make us proud grandmas we'll do the same,but within reason and with limitations..yes we have told her when she leaves our residence,that brooklyn becomes moody,sooky,naughty and has attitude.brooklyn gets punished for this.and she just laughs like its some sort of partners brother,brooklyns uncle she told to punch in the tackle is 16 years of age,he lives with us,and then we go to visit my mom and my brother,brooklyns uncle from my side,hes 12 years old,brooklyn punched him their one day and my mother went off her head at me!so i explained to my mom that brooklyns other grandma taught her to do that to brooklyns other uncle,brooklyn just thought it was funny but my youngers brothers reaction was totally different then that of my partners brother,he could handle it a bit more but my little brother bawled his eyes out...
yeah, i think me and my partner need to sit down and give her an ultimatum.i am serioulsly thinking to ban her from my house if she cant respect our rules and the way we run our family..i dont want my daughters thinking that they can get away with things coz grandma spoils them..but as i said earlier,brooklyn loves her,who wouldnt,she gets to do whatever she wants when grandma is here.but at the end of the day thats not me to ban a grandparent but if she comes to my house she obeys our rules coz ultimitly,brooklyn and bronte are OUR daughters,not hers.i think its a bit of competition involved also...thanks again mommies for your encouragement and advise!yes i need the luck coming my way too:-)

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