My Mother & Sister-in-Law Hate Me

Reta - posted on 12/12/2011 ( 53 moms have responded )

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I need serious help!!! It all started about a year ago when my son was just a small baby. My Mother-in-Law was sharing information about him that I was not comfortable with so I asked my husband what he wanted me to do about it and he asked that I let him talk to her, which I did. When it still went on for months I sent her a very nice message (we live 5,000 miles away) letting her know that I know she loves my son but I would appreciate it if she would talk to me before sharing our personal information. As soon as I sent it, my husband (who had never said anything to her about my concerns) and his sister came flying at me telling me how horrible I was and that I need to get over myself.

Recently my Mother-in-Law came to visit and she was spending all of her time on the computer (which we do not allow in our house so I did not want my son exposed to) so I asked her to spend some time with her family since we are very far apart and she doesn't always get the opportunity to do so and that was the straw that broke the camel's back!!! She got up and started screaming at me!!! My husband asked her to come back and talk which she did and stated that she was so angry because I didn't use the right words to talk to her and it was inappropriate. For that I apologized and told her that it was done and we needed to move on. We had a long talk and at the end my husband asked if there was anything else to which we both responded no. The next day my Sister-in-Law sent me a message stating what a terrible person I was and that I ruin everyone's life that I come into contact with and that I ruined her mother's visit with her son and grandson. I got very angry and upset, once my son went to bed that night I asked her about it and she started screaming at me again.

It has been 3 weeks since she was here to visit and it's still really bothering me and I cry on a daily basis about it. I can't say anyting to either of them about it because that just makes me feel worse and accomplishes nothing because they do no wrong. My husband has tried talking to them but neither of them care. These are people that I will need to interact with on upcoming events and visits so I need to learn how to make the closure myself so I'm looking for any advice that anyone has for me.

I should probably say that she did visit us when my son was 3-5 weeks old and played on the computer the whole time then too and I expressed how much I disliked it to my husband then and said to her that the next time it would be appreciated if she didn't spend all of her time on the computer.

Those are just a few of the incidents that have risen lately and I really need help on how to handle this.

Thanks!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jane - posted on 12/12/2011

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Personally I think I would let her spend all her time on the computer when she visits. That way you don't have to interact with her and she'll have no reason to get angry because you are letting her do what she wants. Especially if she paid her own way, as long as she isn't impeding the household, just work around her.

Also, let your husband do ALL the serious talking with her and his sister. You just stay out of it. And only share with her information you don't mind having trumpeted all over.

Good luck! Since she lives 5000 miles away she probably won't visit too often. When she does just smile nicely and do what you need to do to keep your household running and your son and husband healthy.

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I dont play that crap at all.. I know it is quite a common occurance with mother in laws having issues with their daughter in law, and even being quite nasty.
If they are not treating you the way you WANT to be treated, they should get out, and i'd make them. I would tell them both straight up that they will treat me with respect, or they will not see their grandchild. Plain and simple.
I would also tell my husband that I wont put up with crap, and if he cant make her pull her head in, shes out of our lives. You come first now, not his female relatives, and he needs to know that.
It is easy for mother and sister in laws to get away with their pettiness before you have children, after you have children, you have all the power, so use it!

Kelly - posted on 12/14/2011

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In laws are hard work!! At the end of the day its ur son, so nxt time she comes say ur internet is down, or ur computer is off for repair, then she cant go on it!! Why would she wanna spend all her time on the comp than with her grandson anyway?? U an ur hubby need to lay down some ground rules be4 the nest time she visits. We fell out with my hubbys mother an 2 sisters a few years ago, due to the fact we only saw them at bdays an xmas, despite the fact the furthest away any of them lived was a 10 minute drive!! We now speak to his mother again, altho we now live 200 miles from her, so only have to see her when we go down visiting. But we never see or speak to his sisters, an we have since had another child. Ive told my hubby straight, his sisters will never see my kids, they made no effort when my son was born, and I cant be false to somebodys face if I have a problem with them. My kids dont miss out, they have my family round the corner now who we see lots of. Hope u get it sorted, an dont let them split u and ur hubby up, thats probably what they want x

Michelle - posted on 09/21/2012

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You know I have been reading a lot of articles about bad inlaws mostly mother in laws and I really feel bad for some of these wives who have to put up with these meddling or controlling people but your case seems like the opposite to where you sound like the controlling one. If my mother went to visit my brother & his family and his wife told her to get off the computer believe me I would not have been so lenient to you as the sister was. OMG your poor husband has to put up with you telling his little mother off. I can tell you are the type of person who wants to find the bad in her and the poor woman probably didn't think she was doing anything wrong by going on the computer which many people do nowadays. Nobody had a mother in law like mine, my husband and I were moving to another state with his family right after my baby was born but things changed when I had to have a c-section and stay in the hospital longer than expected so his family went on ahead then this woman (His mother) called the hospital to talk to him and I could hear her say " I don't care about her & her baby I want my son here with me"! As much as she deserved for me to tell her off I didn't because I had more respect than that for myself and my husband! See I can put things together by the way people talk or in this case write and by the way you said she gave away personal information was your way of making others think it was something real bad but if it really were you would have explained in more detail what she really gave away but you know that had you said what it really was she was saying others would have responded to it saying "that's not so bad" You are not as clever as you think and you deserve a lot more than to be told off over the phone for telling your husbands mother she is not allowed on the computer! You should be ashamed of yourself lady!

Mommy - posted on 12/14/2011

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Get a thicker skin. You say she lives 5000 miles away? Just ignore her. If you don't like the way she behaves, then don't let her stay in you house. Just because she's "family" doesn't mean you can have a relationship with her. It's unfortunate, but just the way it is.

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Michelle - posted on 09/21/2012

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As for the one who commented that her sister in law always took the attention away from her when she was pregnant saying she wanted to be the first to have a baby but she couldn't have kids, YOU ARE A SPOILED BRAT! It bothered you that she was getting attention and taking it away from you? Can you imagine how she feels, she can't have kids and her brother is having a baby? You are selfish and greedy not to feel bad for her and thank god that you are having a baby and console with her but you are worried about her taking the attention? Wow some people have some nerve! I got one word for you lady, "KARMA"!

Sarah - posted on 04/29/2012

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I have a son with my ex, we were never married so she wasn't technically my mother-in-law but it's close enough. Trust me she is the mother-in-law from hell too. You have to let your husband deal with her if there is something that needs to be said it has to be said by him. You saying anything is going to put both your mother-in-law and sister-in-law in defensive mode. Your husband has to be the one to put his foot down and make it clear to them you don't appreciate them playing on the computer the whole time it's your house, your rules and that they need to show you respect. They can get mad at him but they will get over it, if they keep getting angry with you it will just cause long term problems in the family relationship. But your lucky she is 5000 miles away most of us aren't so lucky.

Brittany - posted on 04/28/2012

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My fiance and I have been together 10 years and his mom and sister have attempted to make my life a living hell. I've had death threats, them threatening to beat me up and in my face screaming and yelling at me. After them ruining our wedding plans I had enough of their childish actions, I told my fiance they weren't welcome at my house and if he wanted anything to do with them he was more than welcome to do it without me. He didn't see their dysfunction because that's what he was used to but when he finally did he stopped having anything to do with them. When our son was born my fiance felt his mother should meet our son which was a huge argument but I gave in and let her meet my son and be apart of his life until recently. We had to stay with her for a little bit and she was angry with my fiancee and I so she decided to ignore my son has he called her name. I lost it... my son is 2 and has no idea what's going on and for her to ignore him was completely uncalled for. This was all after she promised to spend time with him for 3 weeks and blew him off. I told my fiance this is the exact reason I didn't want her having anything to do with our son and as far as I'm concerned that's the last straw and she won't have anything to do with our son or the one we're having in September. When we told her we were pregnant this time and it was a high risk pregnancy the first thing out of her mouth was "at least I'll get to be at the birth of this baby!" This time around I think my fiance finally got the picture that his family are a bunch of jerks and we have our own family. We don't go to family events and everyone knows how we feel and resepcts our decison. I feel that if your MIL is coming to visit then she should be visiting not on her computer and I'd express that to your husband. If your husband isn't willing to stand up for you then do it for yourself. Tell your SIL it's none of her business and if she wasn't there then she should stay out of it. Sorry about my rant, lol. I just wanted you to know I know where you're coming from. Good Luck!!!

Tracie - posted on 04/27/2012

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Tell her it's your house, your rules. If she doesn't like it, she is free to stay home or at a hotel. No discussion. Hubby needs to back you up on this, of course. Good luck. In laws are a major PITA. Mine are, anyway.

Ruby - posted on 04/20/2012

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I can empathise with you. My partner's family, in particular his mother and sister absolutely DESPISE me and they are utterly horrible. My partner's younger brother's partner (who is only 20 and has two children) is probably the WORST. She is so nasty and such a B%*&ch. The three of them make my life miserable. Let's call her "C". "C" forced her way into the family and got herself pregnant on purpose at 19 and her partner was 20. She had a son and is almost giving birth (through C section) to a baby girl. She took over the family Christmas cards and ensured they were a photo of just her son. She also ensured her son is used to marketing for the family business (as in photographs, modelling etc) and my son is neglected. She has spread rumors about me to the family and bitched about me apparantly having a mental illness ( this coming from someone who ran her car into her partner's friend because she had a fight with her partner). She is always making out that she's a better mother than me, a better partner than me, a better daughter in law than me. She deliberately socialises with my partner's mother and sister whilst excluding me. She is even sexual towards my partner (her partner's brother). She also copies my hair colour, hairstyle and clothes. My partner's parents refuse to spend any time with him if he is in a relationship with me. They are nasty and spiteful and give him ultimatums. They have even refused to go to his college graduation when he finishes his degree very soon. I think his dad would go, hoever in that family his mother is in charge and she is influencing everyone not to go. This is their eldest son's college graduation and they still won't go because he's with me. I empathise with you having a nasty and bitter sister in law. Some women are so threatened and try to steal your life and make it theirs.

My advice would be to focus on your family and enriching your lives. The better you make your life and relationships the more she loses out. As they say REVENGE IS THE BEST SUCCESS!

Kate - posted on 04/20/2012

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Christa, that sister in law of yours needs a psychiatrist! Ever think of you guys maybe moving somewhere so you don;t have to deal with them?! That's really terrible that she acts like that! But look at it THIS way, your sister in law is a good example of how NOT to behave and if I were you, I would avoid her as much as possible. Also, I consider what your father in law said to you about your weight as being verbally and emotionally abusive! Your child doesn't need to be around that any more than YOU do! You are beautiful the way you are and so is your baby! Just keep hold of THAT truth!

Kate - posted on 04/20/2012

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I agree with Mommy A! If she is more interested in spending time on the computer than interacting with you, your husband, and your son she can stay in a freakin' hotel or not come at ALL! You and your husband should clarify things between you, that you are so upset about it you said you were thinking of divorce! ANd since this is between you and your mother in law, your sister in law should stay OUT of it! I think they both do it just to get under your skin so that you get mad so THEY have something to throw a fit about and cause trouble! They are BOTH acting like two year olds throwing a temper tantrum and you know what to do with two year olds! Put them in time out and ignore them until they grow UP! Your family does NOT need to be subjected to that, especially not your son! If SHE wants to ignore you all, then SHE is the one losing out big time! If she continues not to interact with you guys, why does she even BOTHER showing up?! Tell her to stay home until she can act like a concerned and loving grown up!

Kimberly - posted on 04/20/2012

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I agree with Jane. She is your in-law, and not your mother, so there is a difference. She has a way of communicating with her family that she is used to, and they are used to, so they would know better how to address her. You and your husband need to be together on issues, and if what she shares bothers you, don't share with her. You can't change her, just how you interact with her. If you determin she is going to be a part of your lives, then you need to accept some of her quirks, be polite, and deal with it as best you can. If things bother you that are really serious, let your husband talk to her. That's how we deal with our in-laws. Hope this helps.

Christa - posted on 04/18/2012

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i feel for you !!!
im going through alot with my in laws as well .and i need help just the same.

when i became pregnant my husbands sister said OMG I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE THE FIRST to have a baby no congradulations just wining. every family event on my husbands side she would go on and on about when she has a baby and take the attention off of me actually being the one pregnant. my sister in law is married and has a few step children who she treats like shit and her husband is fixed ?? so she cant even have his babys yet untill hes un fixed and everyone was so interested in her made up idea of a baby then me being pregnant?? to top it off she didnt have plans to get married untill i got pregnant then it was urgent to get married to take the attention from my daughter she wanted to have her wedding on my friggen due date so her parents would choose her wedding over me but then realized they would talk about me having ababy so she changed it to after i had the baby and talked about her wedding for the months leading up to me having my daughter . she only invited her step dad and mom to watch her get married so that she could gloat infront of everyone about how small her wedding was .we were only invited to the dinner after the wedding and she made it very clear our 4 month old was not allowed to come to the dinner beacause they didnt want any kids at all there but yet her husbands kids were there?? .then later on when i had my baby shower she told her mom she never wanted to go and her aunt convienced her to apparently come like wth would his mom tell me she was forced to come . when she came to my baby shower she sat with her aunt gloating about when she has a baby to the point that my aunt asked me if she was pregnant i said no... but she likes to go on about how she wants a baby to take the attention off me . shes so selfish she left my baby shower walked to her mommys and then came back at the end and no one said anything to her but thanked her for comming when she didnt help and she didnt stay i helped more and it was suppose to be my baby shower . there was no mention about her being rude it was ok because she can do anything she wants. my boyfriend on many occasions has tried to talk to his parents about his sister and they just yell at him . i feel for him but like ughh its crazy . ive been more then kind to his family and they treat me like trash 2 months after having my baby his dad asked me if i needed a troft when i was making my self a plate at dinner and a couple months later said a piece of cake his wife cut me was way to big mean while i was sharing with my husband .but he gave half the cake to his son in law and he actually ate it but my tiny piece was to big . i had a bad pregnancy experiance and had stress and his father took it upon him self to make fat jestures 2 months after i had a baby. i live in a small town and my husbands mom went around saying i had postpartum when i didnt to people i knew when i never even had it they just kept putting stress upone stress on me . when my child got a few months older his sister never came to visit our daughter never called and was so jealous never even came to her 1st birthday. on my daughters first christmas my sister in law got drunk and almost hit my newborn daughter in the head with a bottle and his family thought it was funny that she was drunk ? like how sad is that my daughters first christmas and she has to steal the attention from a baby and his family thinks its funny ???.then on my daughters 2nd christmas she made sure she went to her parents in the morning before we got there so the attention would be about her and also the parents give alot more gifts to her and her husband then anyone else , my husbands mother gave me maybe at the most 25 dollers in junk and bought the son in law 200 dollars in gift cards when ive been there the same amount of years and my husbands sisters step kids got a 100 dollar gift card and there real grand daughter got maybe 40 dollars spent on her at the most. . my husbands sisters dog gets more attention then there granddaughter they even say the dog is there grandchild like wtf a dog is more important then there flesh and blood ??? my mother in law never calls to take my daughter out but they take there son in laws kids out that arnt even related to them . . we literally live 5 minutes from there house and they dont visit there grand daughter dont call but his mom goes around town bragging about her when she does nothing for her . im so fed up its allways his sister is right oh lets ask her if we can wipe our butts like ughhh helpppp! then at easter my husbands father got mad at my husband because he defened him self when his sister started a fight and his dad screamed at him . i was so appauled that his father said f**k atleast 6 times in front of my 19 month old daughter and made a rude gesture about my daughter that was so discusting i could have puked and his step daughter laughed and agreed so it was okay so later on after my husband freaking on his father he appoligized to him not me who was there but his son who wasnt even in the room. i made a rude comment about his sisters drawings over a few accounts on the internet and now his whole family hates me and thinks i should appoligize !!! but she has picked on me and my daughter for two years and i even went to her parents 3 times and they did nothing about it to the point i had to do something to kinda get revenge for her picking on me . i know i shouldnt have stoupped to her level and i am sorry for that but im not sorry because she has made my life hell for 2 years and my husbands family thinks thats justifiable . sooo now his moms spreading rumour around town about me when ive done nothing and his parents keep harrassing my husband for me to appoligize to his sister because shes mad . but wheres my appoliges for her being a b***h for 2 years because shes jealous of what i have . i told my husband i dont want to go back again since im treated so poorly and our daughter shouldnt have to go back untill his family learns to act right around her and treat her better then a dog!!.i have dealt with this for 2 years his family doesnt respect me and most importantly they dont respect our daughter . ive tried to talk to his parents and they think what they do and their daughter does is fine so theres no hope . id just like to say ive tried everything and i wont be treated poorly anymore.not to mention ive asked his mother not to let my daughter play with money cause she will swallow it and not to let her play with her purse that has ciggarettes in it and she doesnt listen at all . his mother even had the nerve to tell my aunt that she trys clothes on my daughter when shes at there house and changes her into her other clothes when i get there so she can keep the nice clothes for when her daughter who isnt pregnant can have themm ... wtf why not give then to your friggen grandaughter who exsists!! i feel bad for my husband but like a person can only take so much !!!! its so pathetic that a 28 yaer old is jealous of a 19 month old and everyone thinks she does nothing wronge she has done alot more to me but i would be here for hours explaining.

Deborah - posted on 01/20/2012

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It sounds like you are a very caring person and I want to say that is a WONDERFUL quality. You expressed your feelings and concerns to her, because that is what people should do. Granted I don't have all the information here, but it definitely sounds like she over-reacted, or she is one of those people who don't like to be judged.



If you don't like her to use the computer so much when she visits, change the password. Don't let her use it at all. Obviously she cannot respect YOUR wishes in YOUR house, so that is rude and disrespectful. I don't let people who are rude and disrespectful use my things. (*I once emptied my kitchen of ALL of my dishes because no one respected them enough to keep them washed.*)



The fact that your husband did not address the 'personal information' with his mother like he said, well, he should apologize for that. Your mother in law SHOULD respect YOUR wishes about YOUR child, and what she does and does not share with people concerning that.



Don't beat yourself up over this. You didn't do anything wrong with asking her to spend time with her family. I mean unless you were rude or mean or something, it seems like she just wanted a reason to scream at you. You aren't a bad person for what you put forth here.

Natalie - posted on 01/20/2012

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I had issues with my in-laws also when I first got married.....so your definitely not the only one going through this. After a few months of getting into spats with my mother-in-law, I finally got after my husband and demanded that he stood up for me. Then and only then did things start to improve. He needs to explain to both of them that you and his kids are his primary responsibility and as long as the two of you are married they need to respect you and your home together. It's really his responsibility to curb all of these issues......my ex told her that either she respected me or not to call him and come over anymore. She apologized to me and we still have an excellent relationship. I wish you luck and I hope that it works out for you!

Sara - posted on 01/20/2012

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same here i ave bin in very simular situation i dnt get on with any of my husbands family there was always sum1 who tryed to split us up al so thy dnt intract wid my kids but look at the end of the day its there loss its them loose out your kids wilkl not ave anything to thanck them 4 as long as your happy with your husband an your children your own lil family tht s all that matters i no yous wud love to get on but it dse not always go tht way but like i said lond as you an your hubby are happy thts all tht matters i always say i never married my husband 4 his family i married him 4 him he is all i need an he as give me to wonderfull kids so thts all shud matter

Emily - posted on 01/20/2012

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simple, she is a grown woman and can play on the computer if she wants, you can not protect your child from seeing and hearing others do the wrong thing (and what is wrong is subjective) unless you isolate him from people entirely, if she never has time for him and plays the computer when she does turn up, your son will not develop a close relationship with her, and no matter how much she blames you, it will be her own fault (unless you discuss things like this in front of your son otherwise he will react according to your own behavior, words and attitude), and as for her sharing information, is it really that private or are you just being overprotective? If it is something that should not be shared, then maybe just don't tell her and she wont be able to pass it on. either you are over reacting, she is totally oblivious to acceptable behavior and discussion limits (and there are people who think they are the nicest most caring people who are like that) or (as is most likely) a combination of both. Best thing you can do is try to let go of some of these control issues, and bring your boy up with some common sense and if the M-I-L is really the major issue, he will recognize that himself as he gets older, and in the meantime, while he is too young and innocent to understand all the negativity, let him enjoy what time she can be bothered to spend with him.

Sarah - posted on 01/07/2012

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Perhaps she's offended by your criticism of her computer use. She's a grown woman who can decide for herself how she spends her time. I understand you don't like it in your house, but usually some concessions are made for guests. If you want to spend the time together, plan some activities outside of the house and invite her along for some fun time together. I suspect there is more to the story than what you are describing. Maybe with your next visit, you can sit down together, with her and your husband and have a calm discussion. You can't come with judgements, anger, or offenses, simply an open mind. Tell her that you would like a close relationship. Apologize for any offense that anything you said may have hurt her. Sometimes even our best intentions can offend someone and that's how grudges happen. Hopefully you can work out your differences as adults and find a mutual respect and love for each other. I suspect your sister -in-law (listening to one side of the story - her mom's) is simply defending her mom from what she perceives are attacks on her. Once you work things out with the MIL, then you can work on your relationship with the SIL. Perhaps once things are talked about and everyone can begin healing from their hurt feelings, you could plan "lady-time" with the three of you together so that you can get to know each other better. Go for high tea at a fancy hotel, to a spa, bowling, whatever it is that everyone enjoys. Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.

Jessica - posted on 01/06/2012

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my mother in law is the same, and when she visits, if my house is military style im doomed. I have a sick 8 week old, im always in the hospital with her, so when i make a mess i clean it up straight away, its my husband who makes the messes. I told her this, and she said " ur a woman, and u never let ur man cook or clean, its not right". I simply shrug it off, because its not her business, and im always the bad guy to her, it is upsetting i dont get on with her, but im not going out of my way to talk to her, because she just like ur mum inlaw.

Cyn - posted on 01/06/2012

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In laws are always stirring up chaos, I had my experience with my in laws but I think mine was the worst experience ever. During our dating time, everything was perfect even my in laws seem to be cool. Once my husband and I tied the knot everything back flipped. I was in TX and in laws were in NJ. My husband was in Korea( he was in the Army) at the time. So we were separated geographically. My in laws were always trying to make my husband to divorce me, we didn't have kids yet. I had two kids from a previous marriage. The real drama occurred when we transferred to Ga due to military orders. The real drama occured when they found out I was pregnant. My in laws spied on my facebook and they would just be nasty for no reason. During the deployment I didnt have to deal with them, they didnt have my number. When my husband got out the army we tried to live with them. They were trying to have my husband still divorce me, tell him to plotted this against me and etc. My husband true colors showed with his familty he came out to be evil as his own family. His whole family were manipulative, evil, deceiving people made me realize all people from NJ can no longer be trusted. His sister called DFCS on me twice to prevent me from taking my own son. My husband until this day just forgot about this. But the worst thing is my FIL has HIV and he will get his with Karma soon my MIL has renal failure she will be hit one day too. I believe treat others how u want to be treated and guess what u will be hit harder.

Patricia - posted on 01/06/2012

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Thanks for posting your experience. I have been married for 5 years. For the first 4 years I was very naive and never spoke a word out of turn so as to not upset both my MIL and SIL. Over the course of this summer I couldn't take their negative comments towards me and the nonchalant attitude of my husband. He would always defend them stating that they are very sensitive people and that if he were to say something they would just fall to pieces. Long story short because of all the manipulation and down right meddling my husband and I split up for a month. I was determined to divorce him and carry on with my 2 year old alone. Fortunately he was persistent and decided to finally take a stand and support his family (my daughter and I). We have come to an arragement where he will speak to his parents and sister over the phone and visit them once in a while on his own. He takes my daughter sometimes with my permission we live 5mins away from his parents. At first I fell mixed feelings about this new unfortunate situation. I then thought long and hard about all the times I had to bite my tongue so as to not hurt anyone's feelings and the numerous times my feelings were completely disregarded and come to the conclusion that if I don't stand up for myself and my marriage it would come to an end like it almost did in the summer. Reta fight for your beliefs and for what you feel is best for your family don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Good Luck!

Cyn - posted on 01/06/2012

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In laws always causing problems in a marriage. My are a living fact and proof. Avoid them and dont go near them regardless you've kids and you and your husband must be on the same page and need to step up to them. MIL needs to mind her own business and instead of dreading on everyone else life maybe she focus on her own life and when her son chose to marry you, her son is no longer her baby no more children get married to leave the nest. And she should really read the bible about marriage and etc because this generation is so screw up because in laws love to intrude in everyone elses life and not focus on their own life. Dont worry my in laws are from hell too let me tell everytime i wanna cut throat at those psycho jersey *****

Carrie - posted on 01/03/2012

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My in-laws and I don't get along anymore after 10 years of keeing my mouth shut. Sometimes you just jave to let loose how you feel. I got yelled at because my daughter is a bit slower, but they consider her damaged and retarded. She plays with our 7 year old, but not so much with our 2 year ol. I sincerely believe that someday they will onder why our kids don't know them and want nothing to do with them!

Caroline - posted on 01/03/2012

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Reta,
I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I would sit your hubby down and lay out some ground rules. I am fortunate to not have this problem. I love my mother-in-law. Sounds like your mother in law has no respect for you or your home. I know from experience men don't like feeling like they are in the middle and shy away from standing up for the wife. I would tell him that if she comes to your home again and is disrespectful of oyu and your home she is to stay in a hotel. Let him know that is a great compromise and it will be like this until he starts to support you and your concerns. I know the problem with moms and their adult sons is, they have alot of history and the mom tries to show that she still has control by showing you no respect and bad mouthing you. Remember, this is a family that you and your husband created and you are the woman of the house, not your mother-in-law. Finally, I would make him take on some of the new compromise of your mother-in-law staying at a hotel when she comes to visit until you feel supported and respected. Just because your married you don't have to accept insults or rude behavior, because if you try to keep the peace and your mother in law is happy and your husband is happy but your not, you will start to feel some resentment for your husband and his family and your relationship. So stick to your guns and demand your respect and don't back down until you are feeling like your respected. And, if your Mother-in Law drags her feet, remember she holds the key to being happy with you. You just send her the message that your not going to tolerate the rude and offensive behavior. Don't explain anything to her, she will just take that time to keep hurling insults. Believe me she will get the hint. And if she keeps saying " Iam not understanding why your like this" let your husband step up and do the explaining. Let him get a taste of his own medicine. SOmetimes men need to see for them selves before they are willing to see mom the way you see her. I hope this helps. Please keep me posted ok? Bye for now Caroline

Mandy - posted on 01/03/2012

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I had a similar issue between my hubby and in-laws. not info sharing, just them being awful to me, and him turning a blind eye. It got really bad, and almost ended our marriage. he finally told his parents he could not talk to them if they could not be respectful towards me, they said "we can not respect someone on your account" so we did not talk to them for over a yr, including not telling them I was pregnant. we did send pics when she was born, and they have been being nicer to e since. he does not have any contact with his siblings at this point. I have also let it go for my part. I don't expect them to act decent, but I try to be at peace, and not let them bother me, and be nice to them, since it's in my nature.

Joy - posted on 12/30/2011

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I am all for parents staying together and making things work, but that is the point: they have to make things work. Your husband getting all upset when his mother overreacts does nothing to help the situation. My husband knows that I don't put up with that kind of behavior and if they want to be that way, they can stay gone. My own mother was drinking a lot around my son so I just stopped contacting her for a while. She still drinks but she didn't do it in excess in front of my son anymore. My sister is out of my life because of the way she treated me. It is just a matter of standing up to that side of your family and saying that you are not putting up with it anymore because you don't have to. The silent treatment can go a long way with a husband who is always on his mother's side no matter how wrong she is. When his mother comes to visit, you can take the kids to a friend's place. I mean, she is always going to be critical, you just want her to stop treating you this way. It is like a child who throws a fit when they don't get their way until they do. Don't give them what they want.

April - posted on 12/27/2011

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i have this same problem with my mother in laws. circumstances are a little different. The problem between his family and me was so severe we ended up moving away. what i had to do after a major problem was i cut off all contact between them and my children for about 6 months or more, sounds really derastic but kids can sense alot and are smarter then we give them credit for. I really can't remember how long it was it was between 6 months and a year but after that i finally slowly started interacting with her again and she has been alot better. I told simply told her that i am her son's wife now and these are our kids and that she may not like the fact that im in her life but i am and that she needs to respect me and respect my wishes. I think we both needed that seperation time to just think. Now we will never move back but our relationship is tolerable now. hopefully this helped

Alexis - posted on 12/27/2011

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You will be ok Reta. How you choose to react is your choice and how they act is theirs. You are doing the best you can and Im glad it sounds like your husband is supporting you. Chin up. Positivity will bring more positivity and by being surrounded by like minded people you will leave them and their negativity behind. Best of luck

Reta - posted on 12/26/2011

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Thanks everyone!! I have tried to talk to both of them one on one (actually with my husband there because they twist all of my words) and that doesn't matter, I just get more nastiness towards me. I haven't yelled at either of them nor do I respond to the negativeness but it's hard. Where they do not respect me I have told them that it's a direct indication on how they feel about my family and a disrespect towards us and they will not be able to be involved even as they have been. We are expecting another baby and I have asked that my husband not even share any pictures or anything of either child. It's really sad and I don't like it but I shouldn't be penalized for having feelings that differ from someone elses and I refuse to stand for it anymore!!

Alexis - posted on 12/26/2011

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Fully understand where you are coming from. I had my first son 5 weeks premature and my MIL wanted to be at the birth. I said no. Her and my SIL were waiting outside and I wouldn't let them in. Unfortunately things haven't really got much better. And that was almost 5 years ago. There are some people in this world that you may never get along with. Best advice is to have as little to do with them as possible and make sure you keep communication open with your husband. My husband stood by me and my inlaws didn't see my first son for the first 3 months. They got better, but then more issues happened. The straw that broke my back was when they disrespected him and wouldn't apologize. I also can't deal with falseness and wouldn't know how to act with them. He goes over once in a blue moon so they see the kids but it is for the kids benefit not theirs. I don't have anything to do with them. Chin up and if you want your marriage to work, make sure your husband supports you. If he does then you can get through this. My husband still occasionally talks with his family because they are still family, even though they have hurt him so much. Just try to keep an open mind. Best of luck. Blessings

Heidi - posted on 12/26/2011

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Truth is that you can't force someone to be a grandparent if they don't want to be meaning if she would rather spend her time on her computer then don't invite her and even though she is in your house and should respect your rules, you should also respect her in the sense that she is a grown adult. If she lives 5,000 miles away chances are that she doesn't visit often and your children are not going to pick up on her habits. You can only worry about things that you can control so why let it get under your skin.

Jessika - posted on 12/26/2011

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i go through the same thing few years ago. What i'd do, is say nothing. because its obvious she is the "manipulating and mental uneven" soo...id let her go on computer...let her waste her money and waste her time not spending time with her son and grandchild. when she yells at you, you remember your a good person. you need to let your husband to take care of it. and HE BETTER take care of it because i personally think you and the child has to come first now that your a family. and, if you dont want your child to be exposed to it...go in different room. i learned the hard way, i did not want my daughters to be exposed to different things around us...i learned that we would have to deal with that because kids go to school, daycare, church, we take them to places they will see things that we will have to be prepare to redirect and explain some stuff. it works for my 4 kids... thats something to think about. for now: if she hurts you you can avoid her...not too avoid her but keep your distance...talk to her like acquantince would... dont give her too much information.

Lisa - posted on 12/25/2011

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I would start by apologizing for your wording (because what you mean to say and how it comes across to others can be two different things entirely). You didn't mean to say anything to offend them, but you did somehow.
Think about the qualities you appreciate in your M-I-L and S-I-L and be sure to appeal to their ego a little bit in telling them how you've been hurting because you appreciate having them in your lives and be specific with the reasons. No one is perfect. That's family and life. So your M-I-L is a computer addict? This is learning moment for your family in what you don't want to happen and why you have those rules in your home. You cannot control others actions, so learn to accept them- they are family.

Heather - posted on 12/25/2011

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I would say, it's possible your MIL is telling your SIL who knows what. This woman seems to want what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants, and seems to have no problem manipulating and guilt-tripping to get it. She obviously has no respect for you, her son, or her grandson. I would have a talk with your husband and decide on a course of action if these childish antics continue. If need be, you and your husband should sit down, together, and type a letter to each. Your home, your child, your rules. Don't feel as though you need to explain yourself(ves) to them. You are both adults, and the only people you answer to are each other and your child(ren). Then decide, together, how far you want to take the repercussions, and let them know. They have no rights to you or your children, and as much as it will hurt that his grandparent(s)/aunt aren't in his life, undoing the damage that could be done will be even worse. I went through this with my MIL not long after I had my daughter...though...without much support...until after my letter. I am also going through it with my mother (minus the time I have to put up with her due to my grandmother passing away recently). Hold your head up, and focus on your husband and kids. They are your family, everything else is fluff...and a strong bond and closeness will help. :) and if the woman isn't going to do anything but play on your computer while she's there, tell her to stay home, she's obviously not coming to see her son and grandchild(ren), and her computer is much better able to accommodate her preferences....or let your husband tell her. :)

Zadia - posted on 12/20/2011

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I know exactly how you feel!!! My mother in law along with the rest of my in-laws drive me insane!! Me n my MIL would go at it all the time until I decided to put an end to it. I cut off contact with my in-laws. Meaning I didn't call them directly (unless it was important), I don't go over their houses unless it's to pick up/drop off my son or a holiday. When I do spend an extended amount of time with them I smile and make small talk ALWAYS ABOUT THE KIDS. That way we don't bump heads. If she says something I don't like or agree with I jus politely listen and end the conversation. I understand about our MIL doing something that u don't want your child exposed to but hear this: PICK YOUR BATTLES. Honestly ur son seeing ur MIL on the computer every few months or on holidays isn't going to undo the work that u and ur husband have done all day every other day she isn't around. The bottom line is that you have more influence over ur children than she does. For example my in laws have a tendency to say racist remarks and very ignorant comments. While my son is young I make sure I teach wat is ok n not ok to say. And when he gets older I will explain to why he can't say things like that. And he most likely won't say those things because he's in a home that doesn't teach or accept that kind of behavior. But would I do it in front of my in-laws?? Of course not. A lot of times you will find that YOU have to be the more mature person and not argue n continue conflict.Oh n if ur MIL decides not to spend time wit ur kids, HER BAD

Missy - posted on 12/20/2011

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I don't know if any one suggested this yet, but you could turn the computer off and block it with a password when she comes over or set some kind of timer on it so it shuts down after a certain amount of time when someone is on it.

Tinker1987 - posted on 12/19/2011

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Well thats part of the problem,they are teaming up against you,and feeding fuel to the fire ,have you tried talking to the sister One on One. ? I have a monster in law and her BS doesnt fly with me anymore i used to be scared of her but now i tell her off when she is pissing me off, and my fiance has my back because he knows how crazy his mom can get. I wouldnt shed another tear over it anymore,

Staci - posted on 12/19/2011

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Next time she comes, hide the cable to the computer or do something to disable it and tell her it's been broken and you guys haven't had a chance to get it fixed yet or hide it and tell her it's in the shop. That'll keep her from spending all of her time on it. As for the rest, I can't help. Sorry.

Louisa - posted on 12/19/2011

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Shouting back only escalates the problem. Instead, talk in calmer and more soothing tones, keeping your head and the person doing all the shouting should realize that they look like a lunatic within seconds.

Cassandra - posted on 12/17/2011

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First off, I feel so bad for you and the position that your in. Mother-in-laws are tough cookies to crack Obviously! But I will say this I don't have any drama's with the mother-in-law and sister in law now! Lol so my advice to u is this I full understand you have rules in your house that people have to abide by including your mother in law, I'm sorry but I wouldn't let her get away with it because if a child can follow simple instruction so can an adult! Your house your rules, the reaso your mother in law is on you back is because she feels that your taking her son away from her and of course the sister in law being her daughter will automatically stick up for her mum, as the saying goes a daughter is a daughter all of her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife :) just hang in there and take any opportunity to invole her in every little milestone ( that you want her to be involved in Lol ) get her involved as much as you can basically make your worst enemy your best friend! And yes encourage your husband to have chats to her about the relationship you two have it may soften the blow :) if she is willing, see if she will talk with you and get her to nicely express how she feels you do the same after all she has to be "adult" about this. Like i said alot of mother in laws are threatened by tue daughter in law you did take her son Lol you could even try the " I want you in my son's life card" :) I hope those tips help they helped me when I was going through this sort of time sometimes with mother in laws you need a heart of stone so it doesn't hurt

Reta - posted on 12/16/2011

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@ Dayna - wow that's brutal!! I don't understand why it has to happen!! People love the thoughts of babies but when the responsibility comes that's not what they want to be involved in!! Must be a million times harder when it's your own mother!!

Dayna - posted on 12/16/2011

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I have been inkind-of the same situation but with my own mother. After my first son was born, my mother offered to come to my house and watch my son while I went to my classes. She would literally spend all day on facebook playing farmtown. Then when my son got older he was not interested in spending time with her and treated her like a complete stranger even though he had known her his whole life. She was upset that he treated her this way and told me that she hoped that he had Autism (She actually told me this.) Well the doctors told me that he didn't and he was developing just fine... So she told me that she didn't want to watch him anymore. When I told her that I was pregnant with my second child, she was really excited and was already making plans to have this one like her more than Troy (my first). During my delivery I asked her to wait in the waiting room because My boyfriend and I wanted this to be a special time between us and she got really mad and left the hospital. She drove my son to my boyfriend's parents who were on their way to the hospital. I learned that this diaper was over-full and he had not ate anything since earlier that morning when his dad had made him a peanut butter sandwich and handed him over to my parents. I got a message on FB saying that I owed my mom $90.00... 50 for watching my son and 40 for the wasted drive. She also stated that She would not give me the firetruck bed that I bought a month before for Troy's christmas (She was holding it for me in her shed) until I gave her the $90.00. I had no idea how to deal with this either. I feel like people get to caught up in themselves and forget that they are messing with children and that in the long run they are only ruining it for themselves.

Toni - posted on 12/15/2011

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I'm in the same situation. My Mother in law and sister in law hate my guts. Different circumstances though. They have never liked me. I thought that it would get better after we had children, but no. My best advice is to just stay away if you can. I avoid them at all costs. I go to family functions again, but I wuit for about two yrs. I just don't talk to them. I've tried to be nice, but you can be nice to those who don't want to be nice to you. Sometimes there is nothing you can do.

Toni - posted on 12/14/2011

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It's a tough spot....the best advice I can give you is try and treat her like you would want your sister in law to treat your mom. I have a good relationship with my in laws....although sometimes something's may sting me a bit more than they should, we try to be open. My mom ad I are very close and I think in laws have the "stigma" of being hard to deal with because it is easier to argue with my own mom and brush it off then with an in law because you always wonder what is behind it. Your mother in law seems set in her ways so the best thing to do is to explain to your son that she loves him and maybe let her come up with was to entertain him. She may feel that being i your home is spending time with you even if she is on the computer.....and if you don't like that, then maybe the computer will be "getting fixed" on her next visit! Pick and choose your battles because you don't want your child to see the tension between his mother and grandmother. If you guys just can't get along then suggest that your husband visit her with your son instead of her coming for a visit. My mother in law and I have had our differences, but just like my mother and I, in the end she is my family forever and I would want to make her as comfortable as I would want my own mother to be with our family! My husband is very supportive of me and it took us both some time to realize "our"family consisted of us and our sons, but we wouldn't be the people we are or the have the family we have with out our parents.

Kelina - posted on 12/14/2011

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That's awful! I'd have been devastated if something like that had happened!

Reta - posted on 12/14/2011

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Thanks everyone. I was hoping that it wouldn't have to come to a point where I had to ask him to choose. It is his mother after all. I don't really have anywhere that I can go for a couple of days. We live several States away from our nearest family and I'm not the best at making friends so that's not an option!! Can't have a 2 year old living out of a car for any amount of time:) And if there were a divorce I'm sure it would just make the entire situation a million times worse and I know that I can't handle that so it's a stuck situation!! Hate to say it but I really have nowhere to go!!

@ Kelina - She posted on Facebook that we were expecting our son before I had even told my parents!! Was a wonderful way for them to find out. I didn't even tell my husband I was pregnant this time until I really really had to.

Jodie - posted on 12/14/2011

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Your husband should be on your side. Try talking to him and say that your family is you, him and your son and you should stick together with the rules of the house and your son and make no exception. I like your idea of your MIL staying in a hotel, then you can say not to bother popping over unless she's willing to spend time with your son. If she or your SIL start shouting, shout back and tell them exactly what you think. My younger sister started criticizing my parenting about 18mths ago and told me a few times that she feels sorry for my hubby and kids (now 9 & 6) and then recently my SIL basically told me the same. I told her that if she can't say anything nice then to never contact me again until she has kids and has a clue. The way I see it, they are OUR kids and we will raise them OUR way, we am not hurting them or anyone else so if people don't like the way we are raising them then don't bother coming over. My husband is totally on my side and his attitude is that it'll be them who has to explain to the children why they upset their mother and/or didn't bother with them. My son actually asked my husband recently why his grandmother (my mother) would rather stay home and cook for her husband and my sister and BIL (who are more than capable to cook for themselves) instead of coming to my son's carol service.

Kelina - posted on 12/13/2011

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I know how you feel with the personal information. My MIL and SIL both put pictures of my kids on facebook, videos. they even put a video of his first steps up before I got a chance to. I was furious, and in the end deleted my facebook account. It wasn't the first time they'd done something like that, but luckily it's toned down since my SIL had her own baby. About the computer is it possible for you to put it away when she does come to visit? Would your hubby be comfortable with that? And have him talk to her beforehand about spending time with her grandchild not your computer. Also set up some boundaries with your hubby for the next time she comes to visit and make sure she knows about them beforehand. Have him send an e-mail you've written together or something like that. My hubby too did not want to rock the boat with his mom or his sister after our son was born. When our son was almost 10 months, I left. I got sick of talking to him and him not supporting me so I packed up our bags and we left for two days. It was the kick in the pants he needed to realize we were his family now and start listening to me, to what I was really saying. If you feel like you can't talk to your hubby about his mom then you need to seriously evaluate your relationship. Also try talking to him somewhere outside your house, without your son. See about going out for coffee or something and leaving him with a sitter. Tell him how you're feeling but avoid making it seem like it's his fault because as soon as you blame he's going to shut down. and end by telling him that you really need to know if he supports your decisions and feelings. I really hope things get better for you.

Jane - posted on 12/13/2011

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In her 80's my father's mother still insisted that my mother was the wrong person to have married her son. My mother's solution was to stay out of her way as much as possible and let my dad to the bulk of the interacting.

BTW my mom and dad were married happily for 61 years.

Ashley - posted on 12/13/2011

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I totally understand, my mother in law for years tried to make us split up, I think that when I made Greg choose she realized that I wasn't going anywhere, she was.

Reta - posted on 12/13/2011

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Thanks!!

@ Jane - the only reason that I don't want her on the computer is because we aren't going to allow our children to do that so I don't want them to see it when she is there. My son begs for grandma to come and play when she is there and it breaks my heart that she has no interest in him. I did tell my husband that the next time she comes she's welcome to stay in a hotel.

@ Ashley - It's sad because they are not open to talk to anyone. My problem is I don't know how long I can put up with the harrassment. I would hate to see someone outside of my marriage cause a divorce but I can only withstand so much!!

Ashley - posted on 12/12/2011

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I have no idea how to make you problems better, just hang in there, it sounds like your husband is open to listening to you hopfully he can really talk to his mother and sister.

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