My son wants to live with his father, what do I do?

Susan - posted on 03/29/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I don't know if I am being selfish, or just being a mom. My son has lived with both me and his father. It seems like when he is with me all he does is cry. He is always sad. I have asked him if he lived with his father would he be so sad still, he said no. He said he is never sad when he is over his fathers. I don't know why he is so sad with me. It hurts knowing he does not want to live with me. It is crazy, but he has always cried with me and never with his father. Its like he hates me. I don't know why he hates me so much. So, the question is- do I let him move to his fathers? I am so confused. Please help

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Stephanie - posted on 03/29/2010

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maybe when he is at his fathers, he can get away with alot more and can do whatever he wants over there. Your his mom, and nothing can replace a mom. Maybe he is just going threw a rough time and threw a stage.

Susan - posted on 03/29/2010

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I know that this is hard for you but, you need to take what your son is saying into consideration. I don't think it's because he hates you so, don't think him wanting to live with his father is because of that. Your son may in fact just want to have his daddy around. Just ask your son (I don't know how old he is), try something like "you say you are sad here all the time and you would be happier living with your father. Why is that/ do you know why you might feel that way?" You may find out that if he only spends a few days with his dad (now) that it could be just because they always do something fun...maybe dad takes him fun places, doesn't need to discipline as often as you do, etc. If that is the case try and get your son to understand that things will probably be different if he lived with his dad all the time. If he gives you another reason as to why he is so unhappy living with you, really consider possibly letting him live with his dad.

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Susan - posted on 07/12/2010

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I just wanted to say thank you for everyones responses. They were very helpful. I also wanted to give the amazing update. The reason he was so miserable was because of school. He couldn't keep up with the rest of the kids. We have since then put him in tutoring and change we have seen in him is incredible. When he was over his fathers he didn't have to worry about school. When he would come home he knew he was back to reality. When we put him in tutoring within a wk we saw such a difference. I had no idea he was so concerned with his grades because he didn't even know that he was overwelmed/stressed. For his last report card he got B's and even more importantly he is a happy kid again. The tutoring is expensive but so worth it. I would pay any price to have him as happy as he is now. Again, thank you to all.
Susan

Annie - posted on 03/29/2010

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Is he just doing "fun things" at his dads, and not things like homework or chores. I used to work with divorced families, and it seemed that the children liked going to their father's house more, because they had no responsiblities and it was more "fun". If he does go and live there, maybe your son will eventually see that it isn't always fun fun fun. Maybe he'll then decide that he miss his mom. I don't know; I could be wrong.

Shauntel - posted on 03/29/2010

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Don't feel like a bad mother. My son went through this faze before. I let him stay with his father for a summer and belive me I missed him and he was even in a differnt city, he decided on his own to come back home. Depending on his father's lifestlye you may let him go stay with him. If after sometime he wants to come home let him. Like my son says, you've raised him for however years he is, its his father's turn.

Jessica - posted on 03/29/2010

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i doubt he hates your or anything. but talk to his dad. and worse come to worse, let him go if he wants to.. (unless the situation is unsafe of course) and im sure within 6 weeks the grass wont be so green at dads too.

Courtney - posted on 03/29/2010

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Ur not a bad mom and he don't hate you. He's going through something that almost every child woud go through. I have a five yr. old daughter and her father and i are not together anymore and she is a daddy's little girl, she had told me one day that she wanted to live with her father and i flat out told her no. I believe all kids need to be with there mother 24/7 because they have more a closer bond with them and of course they need to see there father to.Sit ur son down and explain to him why u and his father are not together anymore, if u did already do it again. Tell him that he will live with u, but he can see his father anytime he wants and call him anytime. Give him that choice of when he wants to see him, but then again it's up to the father when he really gets to see him. And find out what makes him so upset, once u find out u might be able to help him get through this. Work together. Mommy is in charge. We all don't like to see our kids upset, but we always try to make them feel better. He's going through having to get use mommy and daddy not being together anymore and he's not liking it and that's something u and the father needs to help him get through. It's going to take time for him to understand what's really going on. Good Luck. And ur not being selfish, ur just being a mom.

Becca - posted on 03/29/2010

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I worked in daycare and have seen this happen with other children. It is unlikely that he hates you, but he's too young to understand and be able to cope with his emotions well. Obviously there are a lot of emotions involved when parents separate and the fact that the emotion doesn't come out while he's with his father may not be healthy for him. You may want to find some professional counselling for him. I would definitely want to get to the bottom of why he's upset around you before you change his living arrangements.

Ashley - posted on 03/29/2010

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how old is your son? what does his father think? are the rules much different at dad's house then yours. if so that could be why maybe he feels he has more fun at dads and he can do what ever he wants there and when he comes home he feels like all he has is rules.. which is not a bad thing .. maybe you should sit down with him and ask him more about why he wants to be with dad

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