My sons father wants to take him over night but i think hes too young... Is that wrong of me?
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Jennifer - posted on 03/12/2010
YES! My husband had two sons and his baby's mother won't let him take them over night and it kills him! I see everyday what my husband goes through, you don't know what kind of pain the father goes through when he can't see his kids over night or for a long period of time
Rebecca - posted on 03/12/2010
If he loves his son and is a responsible person you need to trust him. I know that it is hard but just because he is a man doesn't mean he is any less capable of caring for your son over night. If you list everything for him and go over it together, there is no reason that you should say no. I know that it is hard but he loves his child, he doesn't want to have him overnight to party while he's there.
Casey - posted on 03/12/2010
My boyfriend first took our daughter to spend the night at 2 months...ever since then he's been taking her for the weekend.Gives me a break ...also he takes her days at a time or for a whole week.. now she is 16months..she is use to the transition..i have no problem with it...im happy he wants her
Opal - posted on 03/12/2010
my son is now 24 months i was separated from his father for a year till we figured things out between us. in that time he had another gf as well as i had another bf. i got off extremely lucky. he wanted the best for our son so made every opprotunity to learn hunters schedule and stick to it so that no matter if he was with me or with him he and a good system in both households. i was comfortable leaving him with his father. But if at anytme i he had made it apparant that he was not taking care of our son (such as feeding him when and how much, bathing, or attention) i would have stopped the overnights and permitted only day time visits. also i made sure i was completely comfortable with the gf (wich is hard to determin when you are still attached to the father). if she had ever threatened me that would have been it i would not allow her around my son. even though i have not experienced your situtation completely i know where you are comin from i would react the same as you. so to answer your question "is that wrong of me?" i say 100% no. just keep in mind he is trying too. make sure he knows(without fighting) all your questions and conserns. there are a lot of good ideas in the earlier posts. take them into consideration and find what works for you!
La - posted on 03/12/2010
Last thing I'm going to say on this topic: You asked if people though it was wrong of you to not let your son go with his father overnight and I do think it is wrong of you. I understand your concerns, but overall when women withhold the children in any way they are taking away a father's right to be a father. You will never think he can take as good care of your child as you because you don't give him the chance to. It all just sounds like suppressed resentment and anger that he has moved on (from you and onto someone else). It is in the best interest of the child to allow the opportunity for bonding with BOTH parents (and his other siblings) as equally as possible...if you are simply upset that he doesn't "help" then take him to court for child support, but don't be mad at him when the court gives him every other weekend.
Andrea - posted on 03/12/2010
I can understand not wanting your baby to be away from you over night but if the father is a good father and someone that you can trust then I believe he should have the chance to have his son over night. I know as a mother it's hard to be away but i'm sure it's hard for his father to be away also. I don't know your whole story but I think I would be thankful for my baby to have a father who wants to be involved. So many men these days don't want any part of their children.
Megan - posted on 03/11/2010
hes not on the birth certificate bc he didnt come to the hospital when i told him i had it bc he wanted his gf and other child there too and i wasnt ready for that yet so i said no the couldnt come up and he got mad and didnt want to sign it or even be on it so that was his choice
Paris - posted on 03/11/2010
U have every right not to let him stay at his father. my son is 16 months old his father has never seen his son. My biggest fear is simmilar to urs, what if he does something to hurt him. Ive heard my fair share of its not fair on his dad. well all i have to say is, look at the fathers who HAVE overnight custody of thier kids nd go do something like gas them in a car throw them of bridges beat them to death drive them into dams nd wait for them to drown and even stab or them. i have heard of more fathers than mothers do this to kids yet they r allowed to have them over night. id stick to what ever your doing weather it be a few hours that he comes sees your son or what ever but i certainly wouldnt let him stay out over night at all.
Lakeisha - posted on 03/11/2010
I don't know, maybe its just me. But how can a mother tell a father that he CANNOT keep "their" child over night. I stress the word "their", because this child is just as much his child as it is yours. Since you allow this man to visit the child, I assume that he has never hurt him or anything like that. i don't know. I just can't agree with this one. I think u should probably rethink this. You are definitely headed toward a court room. I don't understand y his name isn't on the birth certificate. If this guy wins the lottery friday and drops dead saturday, U couldn't claim anything.
Meghan - posted on 03/11/2010
Sorry to say but my son is 17 months and there is ALOT of things my can`t provide to my son. He wasn`t there for the 8 and a half months we where together...there were a few periods where he would go a week without seeing our son and we lived in the same house! While I am all for father`s having a relationship they can`t just waltz in and play super daddy when they feel like it. My ex is fighting for overnites and when I have allowed it (which the courts have left up to me) my son comes home over tired, often filthy, not changed, has eaten nothing but crap the whole day...your telling me that is acceptable..not to mention he has night terrors and bites everyone for the smallest thing (which with in 2 nites of being back he doesnt do anymore) A lot of child psychologist will say that a child unser 3 does not benifit from being away from their main care giver for longer than 4 hours at a time.
Megan - posted on 03/11/2010
Look the i have let him have his son over night before and i sent everything for him and even sent how many battles he would eat up til his father gave him back to me the next day and he had 7 battles and i got him back and he still had 4 battles left so he had only feed him 3 time in a day and a half... yea thats part of my problem too... if hes not going to feed him he doesnt need to keep him bc atleat with me he eat when he needs to eat and doesnt get ignored...
La - posted on 03/11/2010
But why can't he have him overnight? As I've said before, unless you are breastfeeding there is nothing more you can provide that he can't provide just the same. It doesn't sound like you have a real solid argument behind your position other than you just think your child is too young....in which case you should ask yourself: deep down am I just thinking of any reason to avoid having my child out of my care? Is there some other reason that I am trying to think of reasons why visitation is just as good as an overnight for the father? Are you just insecure about your child being away from you or untrusting of the father's abilities? Because if you have no solid reason why he can't care for the child overnight and if he decides to go to court he can petition to have a DNA test, have his name on the birth certificate, and request weekend overnights. I don't know if he is motivated enough to go that route, but in all fairness he should be afforded the opportunity to have his child with him in his home some nights just as you have your child with you in your home all the other nights.
Megan - posted on 03/11/2010
I never said he cant see him... my big problem is the staying over night... He can visit his son anytime and i have made that very clear to him.. i just dont agree with him keeping our son over night... now when he doesnt take to chance to see and spend time with his son just bc he cant keep him over night that doesnt make me a bad person that make him look bad.. AND IM NOT KEEPING HIM FROM HIS SON....
La - posted on 03/11/2010
There are so many women out there who would LOVE if the father of their children would be part of their kids' lives and you have one that is willing to do that yet you are trying to push him out. When your child grows up how will you explain that daddy wasn't around because you wouldn't allow him to be there? Or how would you feel if HE had your child with him 24/7 and wouldn't let you spend time with your own child? Yes there are some dead beat dads out there who give men a bad name, but our society and legal system have stigmatized dads and made it grossly unfair how they are treated...a loving father is equal to a loving mother. He is not less of a parent because he did not birth the child himself.
Danielle - posted on 03/11/2010
A father's right to bond shouldn't be taken away. How can you trust a babysitter but not the childs father? Unless you have a reason to believe that the father would harm your child, he should have every right to have his child over night. This is the problem with mothers. Society has taken so many rights and trust away from fathers. Personally, I think it's unjust and immoral. I'm not personally attacking you because I don't know the entire situation, but I will say this. Unless there is a reason that leads you to think he is incapable of taking care of his own child, it's not right or legal to keep him from his children. It's also illegal to travel out of the state with a minor child without the father consent and illegal to falsify the birth certificate by not putting him on there if you KNOW he's the father. I wish he could read this. I'd tell him to take you to court and get a DNA test and a custody agreement...
Tiffany - posted on 03/11/2010
It's a very sensitive and hard decision to make. Right now I can really understand the worries you must be going through. It's amazing the strength a mother has when she feels her baby isn't being treated well or in worry. Legally I would definately go to court as soon as possible! Try to get sole custody of your baby so there's no future complications. Your baby is living with you full time there is a very very very great chance you will have no problem with custody. That way, you can explain to a judge all your worries and fears you have. He/she may give the father supervised visits because of age of the child. Keep any threats you can from his gf because that shows the judge her character and who the baby would be around. Keep a detailed journal of everything that has happened times and dates and keep any emails, text messages, phone records of excessive calling. Just remember to not reply to threats or threaten them. Be the "better" person. If the threats continue make sure to get a police report. It will definately help you in the end. Taking someone to court for custody is not a "mean" thing to do, it's part of getting priorities straight for the future of your child.
For now, if your really worried of them kidnapping your baby or hurting your baby you shouldn't leave the baby alone with the father. It definately has to be valid reasons why though and if you collect proof it will help you when you go to court.
The best advice that I have learned so far is to try and be civil with each other!!!! The less fights the better!
I hope this helps you out!
Louise - posted on 03/11/2010
I'll probably be told to shut up but if you can handle it it might be an idea to get the father to come over a few times show him the routines and let him do the stuff while you watch. Don't say a word to him, just watch but it might put your mind to rest that he's ok to mind the baby.
You could say it that you think he's a little young to be somewhere overnight but how would he feel about minding him in your house for a few turns, even staying to mind him (I don't mean staying with you). You could always have a long bath, read a good book, Paint your toenails etc safe in the knowledge that your little man is safe uder your roof and that his father can call you if he's in trouble!
Erica - posted on 03/11/2010
I totally agree with the last post.. you don't have the right to keep your child from his father... I see a lot of kids grow up with dirt bag dads that want nothing to do with their children. at least your sons father wants to be in his life. My boyfriend has another child, he is 8 years old. we take him every weekend, his mother is always giving us a hard time about stupid things, we pay child support every week to his mother and take him every weekend and spend more money.... it bothers me when she gives him a hard time about his son because I see first hand how much he loves his children... take it from me... I totally understand were you are coming from about the other girl, I would never want him to bring my daughter around another female if we broke up, but if that meant him not seeing her then, I would have to learn to live with it... I want my daughter to have her dad in her life no matter what... you should want the same for your sone... give him a chance he might prove you wrong... its up to you what you do about the other girl... I mean the whole threatning thing wouldn't go over to good with me either... but some girls are just ruthless...
La - posted on 03/11/2010
Unless the dad is going to put the child a harmful situation (such as if he is abusive or an active drug addict) I don't think it's fair of you to withhold your child from him especially if he is only asking for overnights. I don't know all the details of the relationship or circumstances involving you both, but just because he has another girlfriend that doesn't make it ok to punish him by not letting him spend time with his child. If he is truly interested in being a father to the child you chose to have with him then you must prepare yourself for the reality that he gets to have time with the child also. Like I said though, I don't know if you have any special concerns that you haven't mentioned so I am just replying to the overall issue in question.
And the excuse of "he's too young" doesn't hold over well in court because unless you are breastfeeding there is nothing more that you can provide that the father can't. To imply that a father (who is trying to be a good father) can't take care of his own child is pretty discriminatory. He has just as much right to see his child as you do.
Amber - posted on 03/11/2010
I don't think you are wrong at all. My son is 1 and I have never been a night without him and wouldn't want to be. If you don't have to don't do it. I always thought if anything happened where me and my son's father weren't together I was sure glad I was breast feeding so that I couldn't have him taken from me over night.
Shandra - posted on 03/11/2010
You are not alone. My child is 10 months and I do not want to go to court. Right now we have it set up that her father comes over twice a week for 4 hours. I am almost ready to let him take her for a couple of hours but over night not until she can talk and actually knows what is going on. I worry all the time about it and her father is not on the birth certificate and does not pay child support. I think her father needs to be in her life but he does not realize all the money and time it takes to raise a child. If you go to court he will get weekends Ive looked into it. Supervised visits through the court cost alot of money and you both have to pay. My best advice is let him come over and do not help him let him do everything. Once he sees how hard it is he might back off a little mine did.
Sarah - posted on 03/11/2010
my daughter will be three years old in september and i have never let her go anywhere over night, and don't plan to until i go to the hospital to have her brother, and can count on one hand when i have left her with anyone for any amount of time. only you know what is best for your child some call it overbearing paranoia...i call it mother's love lol.
Desiree - posted on 03/10/2010
legally you have all rights. i personally would get your legal things taken care of (i.e. if he wants visit have them supervised with the stipulation like the previous post states). if you need help in the legal department look up legal aid of ohio in google search engine this is the first post from that site that i found Ohio Legal Services - Providing legal aid and assistance to low ... Guide to legal assistance for low-income Ohioans; includes searchable directory of free and low cost Ohio legal assistance, public law library, ...
Public - Legal Aid Advocate - Jobs - Oslsa
best of luck and kate is right follow those instincts. and by all means take care of yourself :)
Kate - posted on 03/10/2010
I have the same problem with my 20-month old daughter & her father. I told him he can have supervised visits, but that's it. You just have to be very plain in talking to the father. Explain that he needs to learn your son's routine and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, bond with your son. If a child doesn't know a person, they are going to be very upset being left alone with that person. Make that a major point with the father. I'm sure he would never want to cause his son distress.
As for the father's girlfriend, you can stipulate that she NOT be around when your son is. It's your right. And if you were to go to court, almost ALL courts would grant you custody. And many of them frown upon a parent having a live-in partner who is not their spouse. Many times they won't allow the child to stay overnight. Hope this gives you some peace of mind. Remember, follow your instincts... they are NEVER wrong & a mother always knows what's best for their child.
Megan - posted on 03/10/2010
See his father has no rights to him bc hes not on his birth certificate... and we havent gone to court to set anything up yet either... and i just moved to ohio from indiana for work perpese... I have been having problems with carsons dad and his girlfriend since they got back together after we broke up late year... and he just doesnt understand why i wont let him keep him for 1 hes too young and 2 when i was pregnent his girlfriend threatend to carson from me... and i have never had to deal with this stuff with me daughter bc her father never wanted her so this is all new to me and if someone threatns me i dont take that stuff lightly and i really dont want my son around her bc im scared she'll try to get him to keep my son from me... thats my big problem
Celeste - posted on 03/10/2010
Be careful about that. If he really wants to he can go to court and make you give him entire weekends. You need to find a compromise, let him have some time and give him more as you get more comfortable.
Meghan - posted on 03/09/2010
4 months old?? My son is 17 months old and I still have issues with him being overnite with his father!! Of course I want my son to have a relationship with his father but there are still simple every day routine things that he is not doing. I agree with Desiree and allow him to slowly work up to it, but if you feel uncomfortable with the way your ex is handling your baby during an hour or two, then stick to your guns and do what you feel is best for your babe!
Desiree - posted on 03/09/2010
The following i am going to say is only through the experience i gained at my previous job. I think that you should start off slow first- an hour with you for a while then some not with you after you feel comfortable. Then you and Carson's dad need to sit down and go over your routine with Carson- consistency is important no matter the age of the child. Once you feel that his dad is okay with the routine and expectations then you guys can discuss the next step whether it be an over night or what you feel good about. You must have full custody? If that is the case you have absolutely every right to feel uncomfortable with your 4mon old staying over night. i can go into more if you need me to. let me know but like i said you have to feel completely comfortable with where your Carson is and his daddy may be mad at first but you are a strong beautiful woman and have every right to do what you feel is best. Good luck and let me know if you want to run any ideas or thoughts by me maybe i can help.