need advice. i want to know if im over-reacting or holding a slight grudge for too long.

Brandis - posted on 01/29/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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this involves my soon-to-be mother in law. the first few months after my son was born my husbands job was slow. so we had time on our hands to visit his mother so we did and everytime we went down there she would nag and complain about his job being slow and him not having much money. it made me feel like i was in high school again. and now that he has a good job she complains that we dont copme to see here, which she has come to visit twice in 18 months. she also would always try to get my son to do things that he couldnt quite do. like at 2 or 3 months. we asked her to watch him for a few minutes(while we were visiting at her home) and i think i was outta the room for 5 minutes when i came back she was in another room without my son with her in that room and i heard muffled cries and i found him in between the thick hard couch cushions smothering. i picked him up so fast and he started gasping for air. and i swear my heart stop when i saw his helpless body stuck there with little oxygen. i had my husband say something too her because i would've been very ugly. i still havent let that one go. when he was like 4 months still unable to sit up on his own. we were at cracker barrel just the 4 of us at the large round table(???? dont know why that big but...)anyways she had bought him a christmas outfit that came with a hat and she insisted on trying it on him that very moment. my husband and i could clearly see that the hat was too small. which she ignored us when we said it was too small and for her not to put it on him. but long story short he nearly slipped off the table which gave me my 2nd heart attack in parent hood. this woman just makes me mad sometimes and it makes me question my relationship because being with her son makes her apart of my life. i hate getting into arguments about his mother but we do. can anyone relate????

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Michelle - posted on 01/29/2009

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I think that it's always best to move on because there's no point in dwelling in the past but if there is another incident where your son is put in danger you should definately say something.  I wouldn't bring up things that happened in the past, I would just address that particular incident as it happened.  Be calm but be firm and let her know that if it wasn't an issue of his safety then you wouldn't react in that way but you are his mother and as that you are obligated to make sure he is protected at all costs.  Sometimes you just have to set people straight.  Leave it at that and move on, let her choose to do what she wants with it.  At least you will know in your mind that you've protected your child.

Toni - posted on 01/29/2009

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I can a little, My daughter is now 9 and a half mths. I'm quite strict with what she eats and have banned choc, crisps, biscuits etc. She doesn't need them. And my partners mum buys her a multi pack of choc buttons for xmas! Not even 1 pack but a multi pack! I had to then remind her that my daughter is not allowed sweets. She's just a baby. My partners mum is pretty overweight with health problems related to her weight and I just think she should know better.



Also, my partners brother threw my daughter up in the air when she was still newborn and unable to hold her own head. And when I try to advise him how to hold her or feed her bottle he sulks and takes offence. So I do not trust him whatsoever with my daughter.



To make matters worse I had a quiet word with my partners mum as she was going to have my daughter overnight and I expressed that I did not want her to leave my daughter with her son as he is not willing to listen to me about my own daughter. She assured me that no one else would even hold her whilst she is looking after her but the next morning to mum in laws suprise when I turned up early to collect my daughter, she and my daughter were not 2gether and infact was with her son upstairs, the one I pacifically spoke to her about! Needless to say, that was the lastime that my daughter stayed there and wont be any time soon. I don't care what my partner says. I cant trust her.



When looking after someone elses child you should respect the ways of the parents and do whatever they say to do regarding the child and most of all keep the child from harms way or they wont be looking after them again. I  would rather hurt someones feelings to keep my child safe from harm. So yep I relate. x

Brandis - posted on 01/29/2009

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thanks for the advice. i mean my son is 18 months now and all that happened way before he was one. i just havent let it go because im always like well what if i didnt find him in the couch in time or what if i didnt jump up quickly enough at cracker barrel to catch him and he crack his head open. his mom is a 63 year old flower child. very glumsy and just a free spirit kinda. im (right now) uptight at times and over protective.

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If you are questioning your relationship because of your mother-in-law I would take a step back and really think about what you want.  In-laws can be crazy, but they are in your life.  You need to talk to your husband and come up with an understanding.  A superficial relationship is not a bad thing.  You don't get into deep things with them.   You have to treat them like children.  That's how you do it, but your husband has to be on the same page.  You have to boundaries and if the in-laws go past them you have to leave their house.  You pack up and go.  That is it.  But at the same time you have to be understanding and really just let your mother-in-law be a little crazy.   Don't let her engage you with the nagging.  If she starts nagging you either change the subject immediately or tell her you need to go.  Find someone you can vent to, but not to your husband.  he will feel like you are attacking his family and may even use that against you during a fight.  Really get on the same page and stick to whatever plan you come up with.  It will work if you are consistent and work as a team.

Sara - posted on 01/29/2009

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Well i dunno how you could say it, but she just needs to understand this is YOUR son and that she cannot do with him as she pleases. I agree that those things shouldnt have been done, but maybe it will take one time for it to get ugly and it will stop. Maybe you could explain that although your parenting skills are different, you could still compromise on some things i.e sitting with him on the couch, or that although she has different views it is your son  and you would appreciate it if she respected your wishes about how and when to do certain things with him. I know how it is when your significant other gets upset because you talk about his mom, but he should feel the same way about your guys' son and maybe you two should talk about what his mom can and cannot do with the baby so you both agree on it and next time something like that happens, you can have a plan on how to handle it.

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