Need Advice on What to do?!

Kenna - posted on 05/09/2012

if i were you i would do your last name. name changes are easy especially if she is a judge that can always be changed later if things go smoothly and he stays around and involved. she cant be the judge or have a say in the custody issues but she can definitely talk to whoever the judge would be and if shes friends with him then it could go the way she wants. your best bet would to do mediation. then you guys can hopefully all agree on something you all like then she wont be upset with anything. remember with the power she has as a judge things can go really bad if she decides to take it out on you. i wouldnt ever give her a reason to not want you around. because im sure she knows all about 'grandparent rights' and if the baby is over there and he has no job she will be the person paying for the child and providing everything it needs which means if he allows her to she is in the position to file for grandparent rights and if she can prove she is providing better than you are she could be the one with custody and you would get visitation. its not common to award custody to grandparents if the parents are doing well and providing for it. but if she has a reason to want you out of the picture she has a lot of power to make that happen with her job. defintiely keep being nice to her and keep records of things you invite her to and any messages she sends to you that might be rude or anything so that if it ever came down to it you would have those. good luck!!

Dove - posted on 04/29/2012

He's more involved in your pregnancy than my HUSBAND was in mine. ;)



He's a man. For a lot of men the whole 'baby thing' doesn't click until the baby is actually here. If he's not into drugs and not abusive then he very much should be involved in your child's life since that's his child too and your son deserves to have both parents active in his life.



Hopefully the two of you can come up with a custody and visitation agreement together without having to fight about it in court. Just be sure to get it notarized by the courts since that will help to protect everyone involved.

Miranda - posted on 04/29/2012

Even though they have hurt your feelings, if they are descent people, you shouldn't keep your son from seeing them. If you do, that might cause problems between you and your son when he is older. As far as the last name goes, that is your choice but I understand him wanting the child to have his last name. I don't think having a college degree matters, but I definitely wouldn't date a man who didn't have a job. But if his mother is willing to support him financially, that's really none of your business bc you aren't together anymore. Just bc he wasn't a good boyfriend doesn't mean he will be a bad father. He may be a great one if you give him the chance to.

Sarah - posted on 04/29/2012

First I definitely think that you should give the baby your last name, if you aren't married you never know how things will go. Another thing is it's great that he asks how your doing, making a room, and buying diapers that is more than most guys would do. Some guys just don't realize they should be involved in the doctor appointments and things like that, have you ever asked him to go with you? Him not getting a job and living with his mom is a red flag though. He may want to be involved with the baby but is lazy in doing what really needs to be done. I think your best bet is to go to court immediately and get things straight with custody and child support. You have to protect yourself first, don't let him guilt you into anything you feel he does not deserve. I've been there done that and I regret trying so hard accommodate my ex in our sons life and be the nice one because it blew up in my face. You are not together, which means you have every right to give that baby your last name, get child support, and figure out custody.

Beth - posted on 04/29/2012

You could hypenate the last name and give the baby both names. That's what I did with my three kids. They all have the same daddy and I gave them all his and my last name. Think about that. I can't give you advice on the rest but what everyone else has said is making sense to me.

Sara - posted on 04/28/2012

I think u have done the right thing yes he is the father of your son but if he can't live up to anything he has said he going to do then that's right u should not be upset and sacrificing being happy for him to keep the family together .... I think you need to contact them and try set up a meeting with them soon and set some rules for when ur son is born things like a day or 2 days a week and a time they can come and stay to see him but u need to make it very clear that they can not have him over night and that when he is abit older u should let him stay at their place under conditions for ur ex if he does not do any of the conditions then he does not get to have him over night and I don't think your son should get his last name he should have urs until the father can prove worthy of helping out and getting a job and see if he sticks around cause in some cases they help in the start and then relise that the conditions set are "too hard " and leave

Abby - posted on 04/27/2012

Thank you September Wilson for the advice. I definitely want the father of our son to be involved with the baby as much as possible and I also want his side of the family to be involved as well. They are not dangerous people by any means and I do want what is best for our child. As I think about it more, I am hoping that the father and I can agree on a visitation agreement on our own without legal matters. It just upsets me that he lives with his mother where I will be visiting with the baby and I have tried to have a relationship with her because I know she is going to be a part of the babies life and I feel like she pushes me away and does not try to make an effort.

Liz - posted on 04/27/2012

Honestly, I just think it doesn't occur to some men that they should be involved in doctor's appointments and such. My husband and I have 4 kids and I think he has gone to only 2 or 3 of my appointments (aside from ultrasounds). My husband is a great dad. I do think your baby's father has lots of other issues to work out (like not having a job, and no desire to find one) but I just thought I'd throw that out there...

September - posted on 04/27/2012

As upset as you may be about the situation you’ve described, the most important thing is to put your child’s needs and feelings first. If your ex and his mother are not abusive and are loving people then I think it’s important for your child to have a relationship with his family regardless of the lack of support they have given throughout the pregnancy. As far as the last name thing goes I can’t really speak on that since that’s really a choice that you have to make.

Sarah - posted on 04/27/2012

She is a judge?? I dont know if she could have say legally as she is his mother but I would hope she is not friends with the judge who attends your court appearance...She could have swaying power. Boys dont become fathers until the baby is born and even then they are still Boys. Im waiting for a man to come along but I just dont believe they exist anymore

Abby - posted on 04/26/2012

Thank you so much for your advice. It was truly helpful. I have always wanted the last name to be mine because of the many reasons you have expressed but I have had many mixed opinions even though I should leaning towards my own. Yes, the father always says "I can't wait for our son to be born," and how he is going to get him to be involved in sports, activities, etc. But I feel like if he really cared he would want to go to doctor appointments with me and meet the doctor atleast. I have even taken an infant care class and breastfeeding class at the hospital because I want all the information I can on raising a newborn. I mentioned to him there was a daddy bootcamp class but he said that he was "Ok, and going to be a good daddy." It would've meant a lot to me if he took some initiative and went to the class.



I am still young, going on twenty-three years old and at the time I got pregnant, I did not have health insurance because I was working at a daycare center which did not offer it. Although I worked many hours, I was still not able to afford health insurance on my own and this pregnancy was not planned and it would've been more expensive to get insurance due to the "pre-existing condition." Since I was not able to afford insurance, I am currently on Medicaid. His mother is also a judge. This is what worries me a little if I want to take him to court for visitation rights. Do you know if she could have say in this?

Sarah - posted on 04/26/2012

I one hundred percent agree on the last name - Your last name being its choice. A sweet thought for the baby to have daddy's last name, but if daddy really doesn't wish to play the full family role - why the hell would he deserve the last name? You carry the baby - which is not in any way confidence boosting in the sexy department, but your sleep is so inconvenient and hard to enjoy. Not to mention after Birthing it (I personally had c-section which is scary if you dont like needles. Or blood. But kind of cool.). You are the one who feeds and cares for the baby 75-90% of the time. It doesn't even need its father when it is born. Though my hubby was the sweetest and we have a great happy boy that barely fusses. Some nights - fevers and such, he could be and can be quite cranky.

You are too sweet to involve the family still. Sad that she doesnt sound enthused by your advances about her grandchild. Saying it was "a sweet gesture" was her polite way of dismissing you.

I would take it to court and say that you would love to have the father involved in the childs life (looks Great on your part) but he seems to have a lack of interest in knowing anything about it. Bring all your proof of you contact and say this is the schedule I want for my baby. Do you believe he would show up to court for custody?

I actually ran into this before. If you do not wish the father to see his child, move out of state or somewhere that he can not reach you easily and the child can not be transferred to easily.
He then has the choice to move with you and start a new life, or stay and then regret it. Wherever the baby is born is where he legally lives. In order to see his baby, he'd have to come to you.