Over-mothering?

Shayeea - posted on 09/03/2010

I had that same problem with my daughter for the first 12 months. She hated when I left and mainly wanted to be with me. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with constantly reassuring ur child that you are there for her. However, u do have a life as well. My suggestion wud be to play the go away game. Leave her with Daddy or ur Mom. then walk out of her line of vision... when she starts to fuss, come get her, calm her distract her and walk away again. Repeat the action until she is calm fro 15 to 30 minutes. After that she will probably have forgotten u left. Good luck.

Nicole - posted on 09/03/2010

I actually have an opposing opinion. Of course you should be there for your child! But you also need to teach your child to be a little independent! I think there needs to be a happy medium...not running every time they want you, but not leaving them by themselves all the time either. Being left to figure things out themselves is a crucial part of how they develop. Not only that, I believe social skills are so important! I put them right up there will feeling safe and secure. Of course, to each their own, but I personally do think there is such a thing as "overmothering".

Rachel - posted on 09/03/2010

As I agree there should be a strong connection to you and your baby. I also feel you should be able to leave without your child having a breakdown and you feel guilty. I have kinda been on both sides. my sister-in-law spends so much time with her daughters (which isnt bad) but I when her kids were babies she always held then no matter who was around. Every once in a while someone could hold the baby, but she would take them back in a few minutes. This even includes her husband. Then when they are older (over a year) and I would baby sit my niece (eventually all my nieces) would cry until they would go to bed. No one could console them it was AWFUL! Now, I just had my first child 14 months ago and I wanted to make a mission that my child would not be so attached. I have to say I think I have done a great job. I made sure in the beginning everyday that she would get Daddy time and I was breastfeeding, but I would also pump so he would feed her a bottle every now and then. She does not have an issue with going to Grandparents or anything. She does come to me for comfort and she will pick me above anyone else, but that is ok with me. I think that an attached baby is fine, but it makes it hard on everyone else around you. It also makes it hard if you actually decide you may want to get out for a few hours. Mothers do actually need some time to recharge. Some moms need less, but at some point there is a need. Just because you became a mom doesn't mean you have to give up some "me" time. It is important to take care of yourself as well.

Jennifer - posted on 09/02/2010

Emma is completely attached to me! I think it's natural. As a mother you are a nurturing person and as a baby she needs to be nurtured. At this age, I don't think there is such a thing as over-mothering. Maybe when they are old enough to make wise decisions on their own it might be a different story but you will always be the nurturing mom you are, it's part of life. Enjoy it :)

Maira - posted on 09/02/2010

be there for ur child for every need cause if ur not u could do more emotional damage. its just a stage they go thru

Maira - posted on 09/02/2010

i am the same way with my son and if u read the parenting books its just a stage they go thru. u will do more damage by not running to her every need!!!

Mary - posted on 09/02/2010

i'm the same way :)
except i do "go-out" i just make sure its baby friendly. i take my daughters everywhere with my & you know what. we always have a blast together.
what it comes down to in the end is :dont let people make you feel bad for doing what you think is right. youre the one who will live with the decisions, so you need to make them for you. if youre happy then stick with it :)

Kristin - posted on 09/02/2010

I'm going to tell you of my experience. My son is 9 months old and my mom was always telling me that I was spoiling him. He slept with me and my husband for the first 5 months. I exclusivly breastfed him for 4 1/2 months so he has a very strong bond with me. But when he was 4 months old I started suffering from PPD. My sisters were telling me that I was being a bad mom because they felt that I needed to spend more time with him. It took over a month before I was able to move him out into his own bed after he was asleep. It took another month before I was able to get a full night's sleep. He would sleep all night but I would be back and forth into his room. I'm using the cry-it-out method now for him to put himself to sleep. It's very hard but it will help in the long run. I've been taking some meds for the depression and it does help. I think that you do need to do what you feel is best. But as it comes for you having some time to yourself it's very important. It's taken me so many months to do that. Lots of hours in therapy to get me to think that having some time for myself is not a bad thing. Good luck! Just follow you're instincts that you have and it will be ok.

Robin - posted on 09/02/2010

i dont beleieve it is possible to over mother a child that young. she is your daughter and it is better that you love her too much than not enough.

Lisa - posted on 09/02/2010

I don't believe there is at that age. My youngest son was also like that. Very attached to me and wouldn't let anyone else put him down.



As she gets older she will get use to being with other people..



I have read some of the other posts now, wanted to add something, I was home with my kids for two years before I went back to work.



Yes my son was a little upset at first, but then he got right in and had no problems with daycare. Both my boys are very independant and strong and I was a very attentive stay at home mom with them.



I have a very strong bond with them, but they are not at all insecure because I didn't agree with cry it out.

Kyla - posted on 09/02/2010

i know what you mean its so hard, but you have got to let go a little. not alot, but get people to babysit her a bit more often for you, even if its just to go shopping, or to do some cleaning, just so your apart. your going to end up with a little girl who is scared of everything and shy and will also expect everything she wants when she wants it and will go absolutely mental if you dont do it because it will be what she is used to. you need to change it now otherwise her moods will be very extreme. ive seen this happen with my friends little girl she got given everything, and now they trying to teach her she cant have it all they are struggling really badly with her. show her plenty of love but you need to get out!! being a parent isnt about shutting you and your baby away and not doing anything, you gotta live too hun!! would love to talk more if you want, add me :) xxx

Helen - posted on 09/02/2010

we did a lot of separation training when my son was only 3 months as i knew i had to go back to work soon. just try simple things like sometimes when she is at you feet wanting to be picked up say " in a minute mummy is busy just now" and make her wait for 30 sec/1min - you can see her and you know she is not hurt even if she gets upset. we also did a lot of "mummy going now see you soon" and i would walk out of the room for varying lengths of time from 5 sec to eventually 10 min. it took several weeks but he soon realised that mummy was always going to come back. It is vital that you little girl learns that she cannot be surgically attached to mummy 24/7 for lots of reasons. If you need to domething that would be dangerous to her ironing/cutting the grass/ dropped a plate etc but also it is far easier to train a child now (although it may not seem like it when they are screaming at 3 am) than wait until they have to go to school! also you need to think about what if another baby comes along and she hasn't learnt to share mummys time, it could make her relationship with the new baby a very difficult and jealous one. I don't know how you come not having a second to yourself and i think myself very lucky to now have a very independant 2 year old who is happy to go to anyone

Ida - posted on 09/01/2010

Hi Natalie. I can tell that you love your daughter very much and as a mother you hate your child to be unhappy or distressed. I don’t think its about over mothering I think its about teaching your child that its o.k to be away from each other and you will come back. Its about a healthy attachment and helping them to become independent and happy children. As a child psychologist, I have a lot of children with anxieties come through my door. Kids that are scared to be away from their parents, kids that have trouble soothing themselves or not comfortable to experience a range of feelings even if they uncomfortable. I usually talk to parents and explore if their behaviour that is out of love is actually made their child who there are. And in most cases, overprotective parents have anxious children. Things we do out of love is not always helpful to child’s emotional development. A child needs to feel that it is o.k to cry and that they can settle themselves and its o.k to be away from mum because she will always come back. But for yourself as well, its not good for you to some detachment from the child. You are a mother, but you are also a partner, a friend and YOU. It is a hard question that you are facing. Hope it helps.

Sarah - posted on 09/01/2010

Hi Natalie, it sounds like you are a lot like me! My family has encouranged me to let my son cry-it-out, but I just can't bring myself to do it! I'm a SAHM, so he is with me all day. I try to take him on different outings so he can experience other people & surroundings, but he is still extremely attached to me & his daddy (he is 11 1/2 months old). I think being very attached can be a good thing & a bad thing. I'm not saying this is going to happen to you or anyone else, but my son has severe stranger anxiety. I can't hand him over to anyone except for my husband & my parents without him going absolutely hysterical. For instance, we took him to church last Sunday & we decided to try out the nursery for the first time. We ended up being paged out of the service not too long after we dropped him off because he wouldn't stop crying. And it wasn't just a whiny cry...it was more like a terrified cry. It's like he almost hyperventilates. Sometimes I wonder if he acts like this because I did something wrong...like maybe I'm not socializing him enough? I don't know. I would encourage you to keep doing what you're doing, because it sounds like you are a wonderful mom! Also, maybe you can try out some playgroups or something? That way your daughter can start learning how to play with other children & build her social skills. I think this would help with her independence some. I'm worried about my son, and I hope we can resolve his anxiety sooner than later!

Amy - posted on 09/01/2010

I am right there with ya! Mine is going on 7 months and we are always together, we used to go to the YMCA every day and she did great with the child watch there, an hour tops she was away. But I get comments from strangers out at the grocery store about how she looks at me like I'm the greatest thing in the world. And I truly believe that, she is my world and has been since I found out I was having her. She does great with strangers though, I would never leave her with anyone but her daddy or my family, but she doesn't cry much. She's a really happy, well-adjusted baby. She sleeps in our bed from time to time, but will go right back to her crib and sleep all night. I was so worried that I would be spoiling her, but I just see how she acts, and my mom tells me she is a reflection of great parenting. I pray I don't have to go to work because I don't want to have to take her to daycare or spend less time with her. I believe I was an advanced child because my mother was home with me and I want my child to have the same experience. Not saying daycare children can't be advanced but when they are free to play and move around and have all the attention from one person they need, they will flourish.

You sound just like me, I don't leave the house. It's just me and her. And I wouldn't change a thing. Your child is supposed to be your world! You know I read a post on here from a mother who said she held her first baby too much and she would not hold her second child AT ALL?? That basically she was going to deliver and put him in a swing. Never pick him up. THAT disturbs me.

Nicole - posted on 09/01/2010

i do let my daughter cry some times. but when its more then a whimper and she is literally screaming her lungs out i go the instant she starts.

i do not believe in overmother a child. i believe in stanger issues...but hell as someone told me when my SOs family told me i was too over protective there is nothing wrong with her not liking strangers in these days.

the only thing i would want to avoid is when she get to the age to start school that she screams when i have to take her.
my mother does take my daughter for me on rare occasions and when she is gone i feel empty on the inside so i guess you could say im the one with the separation issues.

but i agree wiht nellie its like her last few sentances is what my mom has been telling me all my life.
that a mothers job is to nurture and love but to also make sure she raised a well standing capable adult. because we wont always be around.

but my daughter i listen to her ques no she doesn't have a set in stone schedule but she get two naps a day at 9 am and 1 pm and i will put her to bed if she starts showing signs of tiredness or crankiness in between. she has a set bed time and a set waking up time. what we do between those times is very flexible.

but as small babies give them all the love and protection you want =)

Ashlea - posted on 09/01/2010

I have six months until my daughter turns 2...and there seems to be no need for daddy time. He is hardly home because he is always working 10+ hours every day. Mommy is all she has really and honestly...I can't say that it upsets me. When they are ready they will come around to who they want to be with. I think people try to rush children too quickly when it comes to being with others...even daddy! If they aren't comfortable...and you can tell they aren't...don't push them...let them bond on their own time with their own terms.

Lisa - posted on 09/01/2010

Your baby is only 7 months old and there should be a strong connection between you and her. I would say if your daughter was 7 years old and couldnt be away from you then maybe there is a problem, but she is only 7 months. Dont be too hard on yourself (easier said than done I know), there will always be judgements from others but ultimately you know best because you are her mother. I am personally believe that it is important for kids to be able to self sooth, though letting them cry for a couple nights till they figure it out is hard to do but is best for them in the long run. It is important to have some "you" time, even for a short period of time. It will make you a better mom, it truely will. I used to go to a cake decorating class once a week for 2 hrs and it was the best thing. It was good because I had some alone time but I was still doing something with my son in mind, the other huge benefit it had was for my husband and my son. They were able to have some time together and their bond grew, which is good for everyone.

Francesca - posted on 09/01/2010

You can't over mother a 7 month old. You sound like me when my daughter was that age. Enjoy it while it lasts. Once they are mobile, your the last thing they want. Ignore the peanut gallery.

The first year is always about mom, the second year is for the dads.

Lorna - posted on 09/01/2010

my second wee boy Calum is 8 months and very much a mummy's boy and as my husband works shifts it tends to be mummy that does everything but i also didn't want to make my eldest wee boy Shaun (3yrs old) resent having a wee brother so what we started doing was when my husband was home he would hold Calum and I would sit very close to stop his anxiety of me being away from him and then when he was tired i would sit him in his rocking chair and gently stroke his forehead and hair and his favourite blanket so that he didn't need me holding him and this also meant i could also have Shaun sitting with me so now Calum will fall asleep himself as long as he has a blanket. What i found also worked for his crying whenever i left him with someone else or stepped out the room was me telling him and getting excited that he was sitting with his daddy and i would get them playing together and making a big thing of someelse getting a turn so he finally took it in that mummy says its fine so i dont have to cry for her. this took time but now i can leave the room for half an hour without the tears. i also found when he was crying i would always instinctively go and hold him but i changed it to i would go and talk to him and hold his hand or sit him with his daddy and that would settle him just as quick as a cuddle. now that Calum is getting his teeth he enjoys a snuggle from mummy but i don't let him fall asleep on me as i find it even harder for him as when i put him down he's back to square one so i just gently hush him, rock him in his chair and stroke his head. Also means his big brother doesn't feel like his brother is getting all the cuddles. My husband loves the support as its the whole family interacting and he doesn't feel guilty that he cant take over settling him i'e when i have to go to the bathroom, doctors etc.... i found these things worked for us have a go try some different techniques if they don't work then stick to what ur doing!

Nikki - posted on 09/01/2010

i dont believe you are over mothering at all. thats how i was with my daughter and now my sons!!! my fiance always says oh just let him cry but i cant take it!!! my daughter is a mommys girl and my son is a mommys boy..i dont believe you can spoiled a child to much when they are that young..maybe when they hit 2 or 3 and demand they be carried instead of walking well that might be another story but as of now she has no way of helping herself and you need to be that helper thats what mothers are for:) dont let everyone else get you down. Everyone parents their child in their own way just because they dont agree with it doesnt mean you are wrong and they are right!! you sound like your doing great keep it up!

Kelly - posted on 09/01/2010

It is tough because it is nice to feel special and needed, but it is also important for children to have more then one special bond or connection. A few moms here that have talked about situations where circumstances beyond their control have forced them to be apart from their children and the emotional toll this can take on children who are over attached or have no other positive attachments.

Also, I think you'll find that if you do pull back, and allow your daughter to develop stronger relationships with her dad and grandparents that you would start to see how wonderful this can be and that you will actually enjoy watching their interactions as they really are special relationships in their own right. That doesn't however mean that you have to stop responding to her needs, but just let someone else respond occasionally (start small).

On a side note. My mom frequently told me that I was "creating a rod for my back" because I responded to my eldest son too quickly, but I noticed that when i left him with her she was worse then I was. Furthermore when my second son was born she was terrible for spoiling him and actually created some bad habits for him because of it!

Toni - posted on 09/01/2010

Hey nat my baby is the same with me. She has just turned one and I have been looking around at child care centres. I am going to put her in one to give her time away from me I am only putting her in 2 days a week. I think it will be the best thing for and me as I am pregnant with our second baby good luck hun

Kerrie - posted on 09/01/2010

i had this same situation too
at 4 months my daughter was very clingy towards me and didnt want to know anyone else as like you i did all feeds and tended to her whenever she cried etc
it got to the point that one day i had dioreahea and a friend came to sit with my baby while i was on and off the toilet... she cried the worst i have ever heard until i returned to the room
i then decided i was doing her no favours but not allowing her to go to her granny's for a few hours a week (although i really didnt want to let her out of my sight) it was the best thing i ever did for me and my daughter
she only goes for 4 hours every wed afternoon (thats a lifetime for me) after giving them hell for the first 6 weeks she now loves it and has a fantastic time
and yes i do enjoy a bit of me time
yes parenthood is about not having much time to yourself but i think a little time is very important

Jodi - posted on 08/31/2010

I don't neccesarily believe in over-mothering. I don't let my daughter cry for very long either, you know your daughter better than anyone. BUT, if it were me I would be displeased (and I can't imagine how your husband feels) that she's not comfortable with him and hasn't made an even closely comparable bond with him. I would definately make an effort to let him run to her and take care of her independantly more and more so that your daughter learns daddy loves her just as much as mommy and so your husband feels needed in the family as well.
You don't have to send her to a sitter if you don't want to, but she can be alone with daddy sometimes and you can get some much needed (and deserved) "you" time. Best of luck, and keep loving your daughter like you are, you are doing a wonderful job!!!!

Ashlea - posted on 08/31/2010

There is no such thing as over mothering..even in the teen years. It's called knowing your children, their needs, faults and flaws as their parent. My daughter is 18 months old and is the same way with me...will not go to anybody but myself. I am with her 24/7 and do not leave her with anybody as we are stationed overseas and I am not willing to do so with people around here.

Alecia - posted on 08/31/2010

its very true that under zbout 6 mnths of age u CANNOT spoil a baby by holding it too much. if they want to be held its because they need to feel secure. but now that ur baby is getting a lil older, u should really get her used to other ppl. i go to an excerse class (Zumba! i LOVE it!) 1-3 times a week. its get me out of the house, gives my daughter and husband or grandparents time with her, and lets me do something good for myself. i gained alot of weight during and after my pregnancy and ive lost 20 lbs. it really is beneficial for the both of u if u take good care of urself. sometimes mommy needs to come first

Ashley - posted on 08/31/2010

You know I was sort of having the same ishue. I was getting told all the time. " your holding him to much, you dont have to get him the second he starts to cry, your spoiling him" Blah, blah, blah. I always thought that he dosent really understaind me and I dont really understaind him as he cant talk yet. lol. But my mother told me the smartest nices thing that I have ever herd and made me feel so much better about what I was doing with my son. She said "Ashley you may spoil him, but its with love. Is there ever such thing as to much love?" You know your baby better then anyone and you will know when its time to put the game face on so to speak. But I would try to get her to get used to her Daddy more. Like my husband he may be feeling a little jealous and hurt. It is okay for you to leave her with him for a short amount of time. They do need that bonding as well. Good luck sweety and just know there is no such thing as too much love.

Elmarie - posted on 08/31/2010

I'm the same as you. my daughter is 9 months now andshe has never slept over anywhere. I get up at night. I do go out from time to time but its such a hassel with the pram and everything that I rather stay at home and here she has a beter routine. I dont think there is anything wrong by over mothering. They need that bond and special love

Elizabeth - posted on 08/30/2010

people only tell others they are over mothering because it makes them feel bad that they weren't the mom you are. I was told the same thing and now my daughter is almost three and we have the best relationship she listens to me and has yet to throw a fit.

I don't know how a mom could walk away from a baby screaming for her, but it happens and i feel like crying every time it does i wouldn't do that to my little girl at her age.

Natalie - posted on 08/30/2010

thanks everyone definitely some great points & has made me think

Amanda - posted on 08/30/2010

i worry sometimes with my son.. if hell be able to seperate from me. His daddy has been in afganistan since he was 2 months old and im all he knows. im a stay at home mom 3 hours away from my family. i dont use babysitters and im here with him all the time. he runs all my errands with me, i kiss all his booboos (hes a year next week) and having me here with him one on one made for alot of great accomplishments in his life. he was standing at 7 months, walking at 8 months running at 10 months and hes happy healthy and has minimal to no tantrums. BUT he has set meal times, set nap times, set bath time and set bed time. his schedule is the same every single day and he gives me no grief for that either. when it was time to "cry it out" it took one day and 11 minutes. never again (5 months ago) so yes i def think you can be her go to all the time, they need to feel loved. but they have to know their boundaries too. they shouldnt always get their way.. with the crying and such. you need to let them know your the parent and they the child. especially if you want them to respect you in the end and not walk all over you when they get older. as long as you enforce the rules and dont ALWAYS give. i dont see anything wrong with being the dominent person in her life.

Angie - posted on 08/30/2010

I don't think there you can "over-mother" or spoil a baby. Follow your instincts mama. You are doing great.

Rachael - posted on 08/30/2010

I don't agree that being a parent means having no time to yourself, just a lot less time than before.
I do think that, while it's good that you want to fill her every need, and you should to a certain point, sometimes you are going to have to do things that will make her upset, like wean her from her bottle or enforce a bedtime. I understand it's hard to hear her cry, but there are other ways that involve minimal crying. You can research them on google. But sometimes, you will have to let her cry for her own good. She needs to learn that she can't always have her way and that crying won't change that, because otherwise she will use it against you to get what she wants all the time and will then be spoiled.
I also think that it would be good for her to be with other people for more time. Eventually she will have to seperate from you, and if she's never done it before it will be alot harder the older she gets and will turn into a bigger rdeal. I'm not suggesting you pass her off to someone every chance you get, but maybe find a babysitter with lots of experience and good references and go out one night a week with your husband for a few hours. That gives you couple time and a chance for your daughter to get used to other people.

Nellie - posted on 08/30/2010

Its more than okay to fill the needs of you child. I did the samething with my daughter. i ran to every little cry and could never say no when she wanted me to hold her. but there is a draw back from this. you actually cause them to become insecure and very attached. she wont be able to do anything without you right their. and there are going to be times when you do want her to do things on her own. It will eventully become a problem. My daughter freaked out when it was time to start school. it took over 6mths just for her to be okay with me just walking her to the door. she started acting out, which she never done, crying and even running out of the school chasing after me. and its because i was all that she new. i was her whole world. so when i left she felt stripped down, scared and insecure. soo please be carefull , cause is not that you loving her too much, thats imposible. we like to think that they need their mommas all the time. but there are other times they dont and its okay it dosnt me that were not that important caue we are. we are in charge of a wonderful brand new life and its our job to make sure that they grow up to be strong , wonderful and sucessfull adults. cause were not always gonna be there. and they do need to learn how to stand on their own two feet. good luck to you and god bless. i hope i help. i tent to ramble sometimes soorrryy. ♥