Personal Question Any help would be appreciated

Joann - posted on 05/28/2010 ( 104 moms have responded )

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I am 29 years old, I have a two year old son. My husband passed away and i am now seeing/dating an ex of mine. He has asked me to marry him now. He is pretty insistant on trying to make me change my sons last name to his when we get married. My husband and i had alot of relationship problems and only stayed together cause of my son. I am now pregnant and he wants us all to be a family and he doesnt want mikey my son to know he isnt his real father and he tells everyone that mikey is his. My son is named after his father. Michael john nappari 3rd what should i do. Should my son keep his name and be the only one that has a different name or change it. I want it to be in his well being. Please no rude comments

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Jessica - posted on 05/30/2010

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and ps to everyone else. all this red flag crap is totally unneccessary. she's a grown woman and i'm sure she knows when to say no and when something is making her uncomfortable. she asked for advice on changing her son's name, not for everyone to jump on this band wagon of attacking her fiancee. those problems she can sort on her own, and personally i just think everyone should stop straying from the matter at hand and focus on giving their opinion about the son's name and not about what a horrible man the fiancee is because he is passionate about creating a family with Joann. was it a bad idea on his part, or is he pushing too hard? maybe, but thats not for any of us to decide.

Samantha - posted on 05/28/2010

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I think its really up to you but if he was always there for your son and he is named after him i think it should stay the way it is and he should kno about his real father. Your future husband should accept what you decide.

Crystal - posted on 06/01/2010

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well i would consider changing his last name but make sure ur son knows who his son is at all times!! he should know his father is. ur bf wants to claim him what-not thats fine but to act like ur late husband never existed

Crystal - posted on 06/01/2010

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I believe it may be in the best interest of the children to share the same last name, but it may also be in your oldest son's best interest that at some point when he is older he be told the truth about his biological father!

Charlotte - posted on 06/01/2010

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I do know of three different families with similar kinds of situations. In all three of the families the child did not know that the man they called dad was not biologically their dad. I will leave out names for obvious reasons.
In the first situation the woman was pregnant and married but was abused. She left him and shortly thereafter met her husband. The child is in his twenties and still does not know.
In another situation, the mother became pregnant at the same time as the sperm donner got another woman pregnant. He married the other woman. The mother than met a man who married her while she was pregnant with this other man's child. This man is an older man and still does not know.
In the last situation a woman became pregnant and married a man she claimed was the child's father. She passed away young and when the child was in high school he had a science project which delt with the blood of the parents and how through genetics that child came to have the blood he had. Genetically he found that it was impossible for the man he had been calling dad his whole life to be his father. Obviously, he was devistated. But he still considers him his father to this day.
The problems that could come up in the future are blood types (as happened in the last sitaution), and also if the child needs to give a Dr. family history of diseases in the future.
One more situation. My mother became pregnant with my oldest brother when she was 25 and the guy left. My mom met my dad when my brother was 5. So he was a bit older than your son. My dad legally adopted my brother and he was dad..even though ym brother knew. Their bond was no different than with any other of us. My brother has come to point in his life where he has to get the family history of his biological father's because of a medical issue he is dealing with.
No matter what, your soon to be husband will be dad. But if he's found out you've lied he will be devestated. There are situations where they never find out, as I know the older man and twenty something year old still do not know. But I know if they did, at the ages they are at. It would be more devestating than if they had just been told the truth.

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Shamyk - posted on 06/01/2010

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Hello, I have a similar story I have two daughters and one has my last name which is my oldest which is 2 years old and will be 3 in Aug, As for my second she has her dads last name. He is the father of both of them but with my first I was not sure if he was going to stick around because we were fresh when i got pergant with my oldest. So I would say to you that you still the guy you with no that if you would go along with changing your son last name to his if your son ask if thats his real dad you and the guy you with now should tell him no but your dad loved you very much and he in a better place now and the guy you with now his here to be a father and a example in your sons life. I hope that helps, wish you the best of luck!!!

Valerie - posted on 06/01/2010

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My father was in a similar situation. He had no idea it wasn't his last name until he was 16. He felt hurt and betrayed. Your child has a right to know who his real father is.

Sara - posted on 06/01/2010

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Keep his last name the way it is. He deserves to know the truth about his biological father, and your current boyfriend will always be the man who raised him. Best of luck.

Deanna - posted on 06/01/2010

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What o you think would be best? If the man wants to be his father in all meanings of the word, I see no problem with it. Ask him if he would be willing to adopt your son. Then you can change his name and not be worried. Or you could hyphonate it. Keep both names.

Maryka - posted on 06/01/2010

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I honestly don't think that you should change your child's last name. His bio dad will ALWAYS be his dad, and I personally think that you boyfriend should stop telling people that your son is his. Why can't he just be honest about it? It's not a shame to raise someone else's child. Your son should also know that your boyfriend is NOT his real dad - he might just hold it against you when he's older. You should let your son decide whether of not he wants to change his last name. A couple of years of keeping his bio dad's last name won't do any harm!!! Please, don't let your boyfriend push you into making a wrong decision!!! Best of luck!

Meagan - posted on 06/01/2010

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Think of it this way...say you died and not your husband... would you want him changing your son's name to something different? You made the decision as husband and wife to name your son after your husband. If he could see you right now dont you think this would hurt him deeply?!?!

Liz - posted on 06/01/2010

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Your new boyfriend sounds very controlling.



You do what YOU want to do!



PS: Your sons father died before he was 18. He's entitled to assistance from the Social Security Administration. Unless you decide not to take that money, or keep it a secret you son will find out that your new boyfriend is not his father.

Heather - posted on 06/01/2010

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My mom got remarried when I was 7. My mom's new husband adopted my sister and me. We knew he wasn't our real father but he was more of a dad to us than our real father. We consider him our real dad. It doesn't matter what your son's last name is all that matters is how your boyfriend treats your son. If he wants to be his father let him. It's hard to find a good man that wants to a dad to a child that isn't his own. Best of luck to you.

Dana - posted on 06/01/2010

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Eventually your son will kno about his real dad one way or another...your fiance shouldnt push u to change the last name its your decision! Its gr8 that he wants to be involved with him and claims him as his own thats very rare in a man but he will have to accept whatever you decide. You never kno once the child is old enough to understand he may want ur fiances last name!?!?! Dont stress its not good for the baby!!!

Christina - posted on 06/01/2010

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its what you want to do. My bio dad passed away before i was born, and my dad(the one who raised me) i have his last name. i had a choice if i wanted my last name to be my bio dads but i said no because i love my dad so much. so its pretty much what you decide

Melissa - posted on 06/01/2010

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my opinion is to do what you feel is right.. not to disrespect your late husband but if you two were only together do to your son then maybe you should consider it. also concering your sons best interest he might feel like an odd man out with a different last name than mommy and his now daddy and your new baby. also is your soon to be hubby gonna formally adopt your son? you might wanna talk to him about that caz then by legal standards he will be his father not that he isnt now.. its not about what others think ,say etc. its about whats best for him and whats comfortable for you but in my opinion i think changing his last name might be benifical to him in the future caz what happens if he asks why is my last name different from daddys? and then you'll have a big old can of worms.. and again i mean no disrespect to your late husband its just my opinion. hope i helped good luck hun

[deleted account]

Yeah but sometimes people just need a little nudge to take a look around their world, of course she is grown and can make her own decisions and will do whatever she wants in regards to marriage and name changing and all that, but sometimes women are so caught up in the romance and things are moving so fast they don't listen to the signs around them that others hear and see. Doesn't mean women aren't smart or anything just means bliss can make u blind. I read the post and several warning alerted me without even reading what people were saying. I think people were just worried and wanted to alert her and basically want her to be OK.

Amanda - posted on 06/01/2010

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i think you should not change it. that is his father. never deny a childs father.my daughter has a different last name from me and my husband and she looks up to him just the same

Rebecca - posted on 06/01/2010

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I think that it is really great that the man your involved with would accept your son like that. However you son is his father's name sake, you may have had problems in the relationship but your son deserves to know about his real dad and what family he came from. For now I would leave it, when your son is older let him decide if he wants to accept your fiance's last name.

Veronique - posted on 06/01/2010

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I think despite the issues you had with his father it would be very disrespectful to his father who passed away to change his son name. Now i know your son i very young and he'll grow up knowing only the man you will marry as his daddy, the bottom line is that he's real father is the one he's named after. I think that when he's older he should know who and where he comes from. I understand that your future husband wants your child to have the same name as his since he'll be raising and providing for him but he has to think, what if the shoe was on the other foot. If he passed away would he like that the next man you marry has you change the child last name to your new husbands??? I don't think so! How about adding he's last name instead of taking away the last name of he's real father?
Good luck on this one!

Angel - posted on 06/01/2010

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Its up to you to keep it the same or to change it. I also think it is wrong to pretend to be the bio father. Kids dont really know if its their dad, but they always feel different. Like they dont belong, and they dont know why. It is important to tell him who is father was, even at a young age. He should know that his bio dad loved him, and that his step-dad loves him too.

Kari - posted on 06/01/2010

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I think you should leave his name the same! It seems very selfish to me to change it just because...even if you had relationship problems your son is still his son and he should not suffer. He will thank you later-tell new hubby to get over it and deal.

Lizzie - posted on 06/01/2010

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I think you should keep his name the way it is just hyphinate it (dont know if i spelled that right) with your new husbands last name. That way, he will still know his real name as well as have the same last name as everyone else! good luck on this... its a tough subject!

Schyla - posted on 06/01/2010

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You only mention the problems you had with your son's father not what your son's father was like with him. Picking a name for a child is hard what about hyphaning his name Michael John Nappari-_________ that way he gets to keep his name but also become a part of your new husband as well! My Friend just adoped two little girls (sisters) and they simply added their last name on (they are 8 months and 3 years) Julianna Opal Whitworth Demaree it's a big name for a little one but your child should know about his birth father and if you keep that from him it will only cause problems down the road I'm not a big fan of lying to kids they always figure it out! smart little buggers so set your name down tell him how you feel offer the compromise of hyphaneing his name but tell him that your son deserves to know about his birth father when the time is right (you can wait till he's 6-8 depending on his maturity level to explain it to him) I'm sure you have pictures of the two of them together so it gonna be easier if he just knows all along I have another friend who's oldest is from another man (he just turned four) and when they started talking about names (his is diffrent from his mom's and sisters and who he call's dad) he was heart broken over the fact that he wasn't the same as them just a side note for you to think about. He knows who is birth father is but calls him by his first name and his mother hasn't ever said anything negative around him about his birth father he deserves to form his own opinion of the man. best of luck this is a hard call but there are three sides to consider here not just your feelings and your husbands but also Mikeys when he's older and can understand that his name is different from Mommy Daddy and siblings or if he finds out latter down the road that you've been lying to him. So think about your son I wouldn't lye to him about who he is and where he comes from but I would consider adding your new husbands name!

Traci - posted on 06/01/2010

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I think you should let him know about his biological father and keep his name the way it is. When he is a little older and, able to make his own decisions, give him the option of changing his name.

Lauren - posted on 06/01/2010

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If you grew up to discover your mother had changed ur name when you were small and told you all your life that another man was your father and he wasnt how would you feel? I dont think i would feel very happy to have my roots denied and it may cause resentment. That is if your clild ever found out. But if he didnt you would always know that the truth would hurt him so therefore i think would be wrong. You have to do what is best for you and your son and your partner must respect this. You stayed with your ex for your childs sake so he must have had value as a father, if you deny he ever existed to your son arnt you denying/erasing the first few years of his life.



I think you should honor his fathers memory, Let him know the truth, answer questions about his father when he asks and then when your child is older give him the option to have his name changed. Then he can decide if he wants the same name as the rest of the family or to keep his own identity. The name change is a big decision so make sure he is emotionally mature to make this decision and isnt just doing it to feel like he fitts in. ALways make him aware that he is still an important part of the family no matter what his name is. I assume from what you say that your child may call your new husband daddy, and in this situation i personally dont feel a problem with this, so he should already feel like part of the family without you having to deny his roots.



I feel it is important to involve him as part of the family but also important to be honest with him about who he is and remember his father. He needs to know it is okay to be a bit different and that he still belongs. Im sure your a great mother and will figure it out. I know it is difficult but PLEASE do what is best for you and your child not to keep your partner happy! ( i know this sounds mean and its not ment to but people can easilly do what makes there parnter happy without meaning to)



hope this helps xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Carrie - posted on 06/01/2010

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the guy you are with now woz an ex for a reason...and i agree that you should never lie to ur son about his biological father.the truth is always blowing in the wind and he would find out some day.

Karmi - posted on 06/01/2010

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I wonder why your new fiance is being so pushy. Don't deny your son the right to know his father and to know where he comes from. I think you should leave the decision up to your son when he gets older. Although ultimately it is up to you. But in my opinion I wouldn't do it because relationship problems with your previous husband don't come in the way of what your son's name should be.

Sherinne - posted on 06/01/2010

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I think you should do what feels right. I liked the idea about letting him change it when he gets older when he understands what is going on. At that point you can also look into having your new husband adoting your son if that is what you/they want.

My husband had his biological father's last name when I met him and my step son had his mother's maiden name. The biological father has never been in the picture so he legally changed his name to his step-father's, who to him is his father. My step-son's was changed as well. Now our two son's have that name because he didn't want his boys to carry on a name that they really have no tie to. I think it was easier for my step-son the be a little older to understand the change and why it was done.

I hope that story can help you. There is also the idea of hyphonating the last names. That way he can carry on his biological father's name and his step father's.

Jessica - posted on 06/01/2010

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my sister in law has had this same dillema since she met my brother. he is also named after his father. although his father is still living, so there is a bit of a difference. they also had relationship issues. after the three of them talked about it they decided not to change the boys name because his relationship with his father had nothing to do with his mothers relationship to his father. i say if the two of them had a good relationship and his father loved his son and was good to him then why not let him keep his fathers name as a way of remembering who he was and where he came from. now if he was abusive to you and him or was a dead beat dad then i could understand changing his name to a mans name that truely cares for him. but dont let yourself be bullied into any decision, this will be one that affects your son forever.

Cara - posted on 06/01/2010

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to be very unhelpful here but i think that maybe u all having the same last name may help ur son to 'fit' not be the outcast, if that makes sense, but he should be reminded that he in fact has 2 daddy's, and just because one of them isn't with u nemore he loved him very much etc, maybe show him pictures of him so he dusn't forget his face etc but i don't think that pretending that he is someone that he isn't is the best plan, but of course it all completely up to you (theres the unhelpful bit) sorry xx

Sonia - posted on 06/01/2010

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It is your choice. I can tell you that I have a brother-in-law that never knew his real father. His step father adopted him and his brother at a very young age. Neither of the boys know anything about their real dad and have always considered their stepdad to be dad. They are better for it as their real dad was never there for them. It is really your choice to make and the decision should not be forced upon you.

Renee - posted on 05/31/2010

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I think that you should leave your sons name the way it is. Give him the choice to decide (when he is older of course) wether he would like to keep his dads last name or wether he would like to change it to his stepdads last name. My husbands dads mum remarried a number of times and she made him change it everytime she got a new hubby...When he was old enough he changed it to his granddads last name! I think you should also tell him the truth about his dad...Everyone has a right to know about "there history". If you keep it from him and he finds out when he is older it could cause some tension in the family...

[deleted account]

I think you should keep your son's name the way it is. this guy at my work place grew up in the same situation your son would be in. His mom got married and changed his last name to the step dad's. Well when the son grew up he changed his name back to his biological father's name and told the step dad to get lost. (the step father was the only dad he knew and he took the son in as his own and provided for him, put him thru college and everything). so i say leave your son's name and if he wants to he can change his name when he get old enough or ask you to when he gets old enough. your boyfriend should understand and if he really loves your son and wants to take him in than your son's last name should be the least of his worries.

Kelly - posted on 05/31/2010

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Changing the last name is your decision. If it were me I wouldn't change the name, but if when my son is old enough to really make the decision and my son wanted to change his last name to match mine I would let him.
I'd embrace the idea that he wants to be Mikey's father, but Mikey should know who his biological father is, (when he is old enough to understand). That doesn't mean that Mikey shouldn't be able to call this new man dad, as long as it is Mikey who makes that decision.
Don't get pressured into anything you don't want to do. Protect your children and your late husband.

Marina - posted on 05/31/2010

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i think its very important that your son knwo about his father, and other than biologically, be able to have a part of close to his heart for the rest of his life- and since he has passed away, and wont have any memories of him physically when he gets older, having his last name is something he can hold to his heart- a sort of connection to him!
although, at the same time i understand you fiance wanting everyone to have the same name n one family, and as your son gets older he may feel sort of left out having a different name.
my suggestion would be to hifinate it. keep both last names, that way he is still connected to his biological father, but also connected to the father who will have raised him and grown up with.

Michelle - posted on 05/31/2010

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Dont know if this helps my mum was in a different relationship when i was younger she changed my name by deed pole but the original name stays on the birth cert, if you want my advice as someone who found out at 16 i'd been lied to change his name as long as it wont cause difficulties with his biological fathers family but i wouldn't advise lying to him the truth always out. if you start when he is very young getting used to the idea that hia father is in heaven( depending on your belifes) but your new is his daddy he will accept that as normal and wont be affected later hope this helps. good luck

Robin - posted on 05/31/2010

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As a mom that almost died 3 times I think it is a red flag that your boyfriend is demanding you change YOUR sons name. I would want my son to know about me and all of my good qualities and not about the issues that were in the marriage. I am also a child of divorce and my step dad adopted me when I was 3 and I was told he was my biological father until I was 9.I then found out that he actually adopted me and also that my two younger sisters were not my full blood sisters,it made me sooooooo very upset and I had a really hard time accepting him after that. I felt betrayed and lied to. I would have rather knowen about it all along.

You boyfriend should be accepting that he is only a step-dad and not a biological father. It takes more than blood to make a good father. My boilogical father was never a good father, either was my step-dad that adopted me but my mom got with another man when I was 10 and he stepped up more that either of them and I did not have his last name.

You need to do what YOU feel is right but also think about what will happen in the future if your son finds out that he was lied to. No matter how hard you try a lie always finds its way out.

Kristen - posted on 05/31/2010

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Hi Joann,
I struggle with the same decision myself about my Daughter and new Husband. I do not want her to feel left out of the family with a different last name, but I do not want to deny her the rights of knowing her real dad in the future. I was raised by my stepfather from diapers so I never knew that he was not my biological father until my teens, I even had his last name. I appreciated knowing that there was another man out there tied to me and was curious to know all about him, it did not make me feel any less about my stepfather though. My Mom did legally change my last name to my stepfathers though (he adopted me as his own) I am happy about that to this day. The difference in the situations though is that in both of my cases the fathers were dead beats that did not want anything to do with their children, yours sounds like you ex husband cared about his son very much. Really the decision is up to you about it, usually I find that going with your gut feeling is the best because it is usually the right way. I know this was not entirely helpful, but I hope it made your decision a little better. Congrats on the new addition as well!

MONIQUE - posted on 05/31/2010

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I KNOW THIS IS A VERY TOUGH DECISION. I PERSONALLY WOULD KEEP HIS LAST NAME AS IT IS BECAUSE IM SURE YOUR EX LOVED YOUR SON AND WOULD'NT WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY.... EITHER WAY IM SURE YOU ALL WILL CONTINUE TO BE A BIG HAPPY FAMILY! GOOD LUCK =)

Tannis - posted on 05/31/2010

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I think I would keep his last name and take the new dad's name, like hyphenating it or making his last name a second middle name. Mikey needs to know that new dad isn't his biological dad when he's old enough to ask and understand that he was loved by his father and that after his dad passed away, the new guy wanted to make sure that he was taken care of and loved just as much. Best of luck to you and the family in whatever decision you make.

PATRICIA - posted on 05/31/2010

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Hmm... I dont know how I would feel about another man taking the title as my kids father, even if I did get re-married, I think your ex did create yore little boy and does deserve to have your son know who he was. As for your new hubby to be, why does he care so much about changing your sons name?

Amanda - posted on 05/31/2010

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I was two when my mom and dad divorced...both my my parents remarried by the time I was four...mom had two more kids a girl and then a boy...my step dad..(i would call him tim and then changed to dad) never pushed the idea of me changing my name that was my moms choice..my mom new i had a dad even though he wasnt really in my life and that he would always be my dad,,,till this day I never changed my last name always new about my dad and love him right when i asked him to walk me down the isle with my step dad he was in a terrible motor cycle accident and he died july 5 2009...I have two dads not just one...I am the luckiest person b.c. my real dad gave me life and my step dad raised me into the person I am today with out either one I wouldnt be raising two girls and have a wonderful husband....Do as you think is right for you and your son...if he cant respect your decision (he dosent have to like it but if he loves you he will respect you) you might want to look at who your fixin to marry...i hope this helps...follow your heart not your mind and if your doing what is right it will all come together in the end....

Amie - posted on 05/31/2010

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hi Joann, firstly congrats on the engagement. have you considered hifernating your sons last name for example Mikey Nappari- surname>(fiances). This way your son will always be able to carry on his fathers name because the reality is although your late husband is no longer around he is still Mikeys Biological father and this new partner should respect that but know that although he is not the true biological father, he will be able to care for Mikey and play the role of the father and infact will be the father rolemodel for Mikey from now on which is very special and a great gift for your Mikey. The fact that your fiance is going to be the father figure and obviously feels for your son as his own is beautiful but there is no point in lying about it to your son all his life its ultimately up p you but thats my opinion hun, good luck xox

Lisa - posted on 05/31/2010

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How about tagging the new name on the end. Michael John Nappari-(new name). Just an idea but then you wouldn't be able to call him " the 3rd"

Melysa - posted on 05/31/2010

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when it comes to your current partner claiming your son as his own that only makes things easier on everyone as a family even having your son call him dad to make it less confusing to both your 2 year old and the baby on the way however there is no need to change your son's name if your partner loves you he will understand that you want your son to grow up with the name you gave him at birth that you want your son to know about his father it does not mean you love him any less or that you are less of a family no-one can tell you what to do but if you feel that it is wrong you should listen to that ultimately it is you that will have to answer Q's whether it is why is my last name different to you and daddy or why don't i look more like daddy there is also your late husbands family as well and why he has 3 sets of grandparents if they are not mum's or dad's parents i hope that you can find a solution that works for you i know my sister (step-sister) feels blessed to have the extra family.

Lynn - posted on 05/31/2010

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As wat they said, ur son has d rights to know about his bio dad... I would say dun chg his name.. He is lucky that a man is willing to b his step-dad giving him d fatherly love.. The line shld be drawn clearly.. sit & hv a gd Talk to ur partner.. =)

[deleted account]

he should keep his origional fathers last name... regardless of what problems the two of you had it is his father and thats apart of his identy. i understand your new guy wanting to be a family but theres something he should remember if he is there for your son, he will always think of him as his father. imagin growing up thinking one thing than finding out another when your older.

Amanda - posted on 05/31/2010

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it should be your decision to make and it should not be forced on you and this new man should agree with whatever decision you decide to make

Serena - posted on 05/31/2010

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i'm with sarah aswell and kinda in the same boat except my partner has not ever asked me to change my 1st sons last name and with my second as he is his he has his last name, never has he asked for me to change my first sons last name and in time as he grows up it would be his decision if he chooses to do so....

Lauren - posted on 05/31/2010

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I think it is ok to change the last name as long as he is going to stick around and you know you love him!

Kendra - posted on 05/31/2010

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I think it would be something to talk to your late husbands family about. As for telling him that your future husband is his real father, that would be lying to your son and it may not be an issue now, but he will figure it all out one day and might possibly be mad that his mother lied to him. You are his mother and no one should judge your decision until they have walked in your shoes, but I personally think it would be wrong for him not to know about his real father.

Dana - posted on 05/31/2010

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I think at this point the decision is yours. Keep in mind the well being of your son always. My opinion : since your husband has passed away, your son will never know him anyway, you could give him a chance at normalcy and let him have your fiances name. Then again, if anything medical were to happen to where your son needed something from you or him, your son might find out the hard way. So in saying that, I would not keep it a secret that your fiance is not his biological father. But ultimatley the decision is yours. Do not let your fiance " FORCE " you into making a choice that you are not comfortable with.

Melissa - posted on 05/31/2010

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I wouldn't change it at all. You want to honor the memory of his father and that's cool. I totally get that. Perhaps your fiance would understand if you told him this. I guess it depends on whether or not you want your son to know who his biological father was and what he meant to you. Congrats on the new baby!

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