Postpartum Depression support/stories, please?

Brandi - posted on 01/21/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My daughter is almost 2 months old. I was depressed through out my pregnancy. If I had known then, what I know now, I would of said something to my OB/GYN about it. I didn't know that if you are depressed during your pregnancy, you have a higher chance of having PPD after delivery. Not to mention, I've suffered from depression basically my WHOLE life. That's what I *thought* my depression through my pregnancy was. Just plain o'l regular depression. Looking back now, I can see the differences between what I felt and depression I've had before I got pregnant.



I have a great boyfriend who does everything he can to help out when he isn't working. I have some friends that I can talk to that have been through this before. However, I still feel alone. The one person I wish I could talk to about it the most is my mother but I can't. She doesn't get it. She has texted me hurtful things (not intentionally to hurt me). Such as, telling me to "get a grip", "snap out of it" and "not let it control my life." I don't know how to break it to her that I can't just "snap" out of it. She never went through it and I feel like explaining to her what it is like... Would be like trying to get a man to understand what labor and delivery feels like. I know she was just trying to help but she really doesn't realize some of the things she says are hurtful.



I tore when I had her. So, in the hospital, my wonderful boyfriend did more for her than I did. I was in so much pain. Getting out of bed was a nightmare. When we came home, things just went farther down hill. I was hurting so bad, again, he had to do most everything for her because it hurt to even carry her. She got to bond with him first. I felt like she didn't know who I was. I convinced myself that she hated me for about two weeks straight. I was terrified when he had to go back to work. I felt like I was incapable of taking care of her. I cried and cried and I didn't know why. I was never upset or anything at her. It was all at myself. I wanted him to have me committed and get full custody of her and go find another woman to raise her with. It was HORRIBLE! During his weekends, I wanted to pass her off to him and run away. Now, I resent him sometimes. He works 4 nights a week, 40 hours a week. I resent the fact he get's to leave the house. He get's 40 hour breaks every week. I don't. In some stupid way, I feel jipped and it's soo stupid! I know deep down, I really don't feel the way I do but I can't stop these feelings.



I was just wondering if any of you have suffered or are suffering from PPD. I'd love to hear stories about how you felt and what you went through. In some ways, I think it would help me feel a little less alone. Also, I'd like to know what you did/are doing to help you. I have my 6 week check up next week and I plan on talking to him about anti-depressants. I don't want to be on them but she's not getting 100% of me. I, also, feel bad for being such a basket case sometimes. I know it has to be hard on my boyfriend sometimes. Especially, when he says just some random, every day thing to me and I burst into tears like he just told my best friend died. It's horrible!!



Thank you, ladies! :)

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Mary - posted on 09/17/2013

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I have also suffered from depression throughout my life. I had been on medication for it a few times before I got pregnant with my daughter and it was a worry for me during pregnancy. Well, it started before I even left the hospital. I had trouble breastfeeding, which made me feel even worse. After I got home I was crying all the time and was having trouble bonding with my daughter. I knew I should be happy to have a healthy beautiful baby girl but I wasn't. It got bad quickly and escalated one day when I called my mom and was completely flipping out when my baby vomited all over and all I could do was cry. I also had thoughts of hurting myself. My mom called my OB/GYN (because I was crying so much I couldn't speak clearly) and got me an appt that day. After asking some questions she put me on Zoloft. Once the medicine started working things were so much better. I know people don't like to take them, but it was a world of difference for me. I was no longer crying all the time. I was better able to cope with things and care for my daughter and I was finally able to be happy and bond with my daughter like we both needed. Don't feel bad about taking the medication, that's what it's made for. You don't have to stay on it forever. It was the best thing I could've done for myself and my family. I hope this helps. Good luck and hang in there! :)

Kelsea - posted on 01/24/2011

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I haven't talked to my doctor about it yet.. but I know I should. I've dealt with depression for years and my pregnancy only made it worse. Now I find myself short of temper when i shouldn't be, moody at little things, and very needy of emotional support that I never really needed. My son will be 5 months old soon. I've found it gets easier the more independent he gets. Not becuase I don't want or can't care for him, but because it reassures me that he is learning, I AM teaching him something. My pregnancy was completely unplanned... I always wanted to adopt, never to have biological children. So the news wasn't so enjoyable at first. When he started kicking I found comfort it his movements but was sad when he was still and excessively depressed at nights when I couldn't sleep. The first couple months were the hardest so far. Little sleep and little help. My fiance works long hours and we don't see him much but weekends. If I had reached out more I'm sure someone would've helped but I felt like I had to do it all, I was the mother. So, don't be afraid to ask for help. Ask for someone to watch your child so you can take a shower or actually do your hair... Read a magazine, watch a show without interruption. Something to have a tiny bit of "you" time and gather your strength. My son is now able to play by himself and he likes talking to the television so I have a little more freedom to do those things... while it seems like it's never ending now, you'll look back in a couple months and wonder where it went. ... I guess my only real advice is to reach out without fear of judgement. They might be helping out a lot, but sometimes just a few minutes more on their part will last you a week of good. I hope the best for your family! ♥

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Erinna - posted on 09/24/2013

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Hi jovelle, if your still having some trouble with PPD, and can't afford doctors and meds. One thing I have found in my PPD experience is zinc supplements. My doctor said pregnant women often become low in zinc over the course of the pregnancy. And studies in Europe have shown that taking zinc can improve all kinds of depression (including PPD) whether or not you are on meds.
I had PPD and post partum psychosis with both my 2 eldest boys, and I have been on and off several meds, with varying success. I had blood tests to check my zinc levels that found I was very deficient. And since taking the high dose zinc (after the birth of my youngest 2 months ago) I have felt much better. My doctor says even taking over the counter lower dose zinc will help, especially if you are deficient.
The main thing is don't try to hide it, talk to your family and friends. Get help and find what works for you.
Also NEVER go off meds without speaking to your doctor, VERY dangerous. Hope this helps. Blessings.

Jovelle - posted on 09/17/2013

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i've experienced PPD too. I have 8 months old and 34 months daughters. During my pregnancy i always cried,hyperventilation to the extent that i can no longer move had a violet hands already.When i give birth, I started to feel something at first i thought that im not suffering from that but symptoms come one by one. I always cried, move too fast, can't sleep, no confidence on myself, not even trusting myself,sometimes i hurt my babies because they always cried and my eldest doesn't follow on my instructions. No one was available to listen and talk to me. I don't want to tell my husband because his working and i don't want him to get worried. My friend was pregnant and i don't want her to worry too it's delicate for her baby. My parents & other siblings is the majority reason on why i suffered from PPD(its a long story though).At first i thought it's just normal not until i think of killing myself. I always thought of hanging myself,when i always think of that i always saw my eldest comes to me hug and kiss me and call my name and even saw her taking care of her sister she even plays with her when she started to cry and hear both of them laugh. Its like i have a bad dream that i wake up and told myself i want to see them grow, i want to see more of their laughter, i want to see them loving each other and so on, "I need to live for them". My husband supports me when he feels that i gotten worse that's about june 2013, i thought it's not worse but it is. i saw myself dont care if my youngest was crying at my side, good thing that my eldest daughter got the rattle and make her sister laugh. I've taken up psychological test online to know if i have Postpartum depression.(anyway, we cant afford to go to the psychiatrist) i've take several test and only one answer, i am positive and suffering from pospartum depression. No one in my family knows this they've think that i only act to catch their attention not until july 7. My eldest sister and I had a fight because of the surprise party tomorrow for our MOM but unfortunately she once knew when she talk to me. My mom says something that i don't like such as Im a more bad daughter than my sister. That's the word, and i can't stop myself anymore. I freaking out, i shouted and cried out loud that "i can't carry this any longer", "I had Enough", "Stop it", pounded my chest,etc. My husband used to raised his voice for me to behave but at that moment i shouted him and hurt him. I almost hurt my 2 daughters whose with him, i tried to hurt my mom and dad, i want to hurt my sister too if have a chance and mostly i did hurt myself ive got 3 big bruises on my legs. The feeling that its already full. My husband gave my babies to my mom and hug me so tight but i still resist, i cant control myself anymore. After an hour, i was calm but still crying. My husband still hugging at my back. My 2 daughters went with me and hug me. but my husband get them out of me because im a danger to them. But first he ask me if i'm alright and seeing my daughters let me said "yes". After 3 weeks, my husband and i have an argument and i started the same rage,the feeling started to rise. I changed my youngest so fast that i dont care if she was crying or hurt the way i did. My husband saw the sudden mood and get the children. I sit at the corner of the bed and PRAY to help coz no one in this world can able to help me. Well, i think it's a miracle after a minute my rage subside and i have feel the peace. I started to laugh by them and i knew i was healed. I have the same problems with my family but the rage that i felt before was already gone. This is my story hope this would help others as well just have faith.

Kim - posted on 02/24/2011

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I am so glad that you posted this Brandi! I went through the same thing pretty much as you when my first son was a year old. I didn't even know it was PPD because I thought I was past that stage. All of a sudden I was crying all the time, forgetting what I was doing, and even going to my room to hide because I didn't want to be a Mom anymore. My poor husband didn't know what to do with me so I went to the doctors and told her how I felt. She gave my anti depressants. Like you I didn't want to depend on drugs but after talking to my Mom about My fears I realized that there is nothing wrong with taking pills because it will help make me a better Mom. and boy did it ever! It was like night and day difference! I hope my story does help you get through this hard time. Just rememeber it does get better. Hopefully after you get healed more and feeling better you will bond with your little one and don't forget to take time for yourself too!

Brandi - posted on 02/24/2011

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Thank you everybody!!! Your words have meant a great deal to me. I did speak to my doctor at my 6 week and he put me on 50mg Zoloft and gave me Xanix for anxiety. While the Zoloft has helped a little, I think I may need the dosage to be upped. I plan on calling them tomorrow and seeing what they think.

Since I posted this, we have moved into our own place and I am more at ease. She's on a schedule now (she pretty much put herself on it) so things aren't so bad. However, I still am battling depression. It's not AS bad as it was but it's still pretty rough.

Being a mom IS one of the hardest jobs you can ever do. Every day that I get through, I just remind myself that if I can get through today, I can get through tomorrow. My fiance is truly amazing. When he wakes up in the afternoons (he works nights) he tells me to go take a nice, hot bath and relax while he takes care of her. During the weekends, if he sees that I'm having a bad day he'll walk over and say "Let me have her." Then he'll go sit on the couch and play with her or try to get her to stop crying. I know that's his sign to me to go do something for me and just relax and unwind.

Naomi - posted on 01/30/2011

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hi hun i had pnd after my first luckily i bonded with little boy but i know wot ur going through my little boy (aiden) who is now 3 was an unhappy baby and i just felt like everything i did was wrong my biggest thing was i couldnt leave the house with him i was petrified and a couple of times even had a panic attack at the thought i went on 2 anti depressants when he was about 6 months and it was the best thing i ever did it completely helped me 2 get my head round everything i came off them after about 12-18 months after and now have a little girl (lexi-belle) who is coming up 6 months my partener and a couple of friends were really supportive but my mum didnt really understand. i think u should tell her wot causes it as its nothing u have done it is a chemical imbalance in ur brain caused by all the hormones surging through ur body during and after pregnancy. at ur 6 week check i would definitely discuss it with ur dr and mayb c if he/she would b willing 2 talk 2 ur mum 2 explain it 2 her she may listen and understand more if a dr is telling and explaining 2 her

Amanda - posted on 01/29/2011

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I understand how you feel! Being a mother is both a wonderful experience and an overwhelming one at the same time! I suffer from mild depression and PMDD before I was became pregnant with my son. After I had my son, the depression then turned into anger and OCD. I talked to my doctor and she gave me Zoloft - she said that it would help take the "edge" off and would also treat the mild depression along with the PMDD. Your horomones are going to be all over the place until your body has time to adjust. There is NOTHING wrong with you if you need medication to help your body get back to "normal" and you are not the only woman who has needed a little something extra! Good luck to you!

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I found that a lost of my PPD came from lack of sleep and lack of getting out of the house (we only have 1 car). I found myself yelling at her for a while. I finally found that co-sleeping helped a LOT. I got sleep and so did she. I also tried to get out of the house at least once a week preferably twice.

Once 3 months hit and she was transfering to her own crib in her own room I felt more at ease and less like a basket case.

I also found that prayer and meditation helped a lot. Showers were also a big help as they were a huge stress reliever; almost to the point that I was showering twice a day.

Carly - posted on 01/28/2011

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Great advice Kelsea. And don't feel guilty for taking "me" time. You really do need it!! Even if it's just a shower, a haircut, a few hours to read a book or watch a movie.

Best advice I got was from my OB, "whats best for YOU is whats best for baby" so if going on antidepressants, even if only short term, helps you, then it helps her because like you said, you aren't giving 100% of yourself. Speak up at your appointment and know you aren't alone!

Carly - posted on 01/24/2011

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My PPD was a little different. I too have suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life, but after I had him- I was angry. I lost my temper a lot. Lots of screaming, frustration, I'd throw things around the house (and no, not at him or around him). He had really bad colic and it was so awful. The crying just set off an alarm in my head and I would just feel like I was coming undone. All day it would build up to 6:00, when I knew the colic crying was coming. To make it worse- I couldn't take any medications because the pediatrician kept telling me "keep nursing him, it's best for the colic" and you can't take antidepressants and nurse. Well guess what, I finally said enough was enough and switched to formula and bam! The colic was gone just like that. Should have gone with my gut to begin with and both of us wouldn't have had to suffer like that.

Also, I called my insurance and every single mental health provider within a 25 mile radius of my house was booked for the next 5 months unless I was ready to kill myself (which I wasn't and would have just meant they'd call child services on me). I'm talking about 20+ doctors, not just a few. So that added to the frustration, feeling like no one cared besides my husband.

Thank god I have a great husband and understanding PCP. When I said give me antidepressants, he gave me antidepressants. I feel the pediatrician should have encouraged me to give formula a shot when I asked about it and informed them of my PPD/nursing dilemma instead of pressuring me to continue to nurse.

I still freak out at the thought of another baby. I don't think I could go through that again. Even the sound a crying infant makes my ears ring and gives me major anxiety, which sucks because part of my job is to draw blood from them :(

Jane - posted on 01/24/2011

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Hi,
I understand what u r going through. I have been there not once not twice but 3 times. My first time was when i was preg with my first baby girl. It got really bad for me after i gave brith to her. I found out that day that she was stillborn and for years i had PPD. abot ½ year later i got preg. with my 2nd child and i was drepressed under my preg. gave brith to a healthy baby girl again, and from then on it was getting worse every day. I tryed to talk to my eks husbend at that time that i had a problem and that i needed help. he replyed harsh to me and i closed my self even more in. well at the time my little girl was 2½ years old i had to let her live with my older brother for 2½ years so i ´could get better. I did get better. For years i blamed my self for it that my first child was dead and that i was a bad mother and i took it out on my 2nd child. well when she was living at my brothers i got devoriced and in between the 2½ years i found a wonderful guy and i was really down and had to explain to my aunt in an email when my daughter is with my brother and he came in the room. he asked me to tell him what i was thinking i told him if i do u will hate me. never the fact i told him and what i told him i am not proud to say but here gose " i thought of how to kill my little girl when she was 5 months old couse i blamed her for my first childs death" he told me this is normal for PPD and that i am only human. he told me that i am a wonderful mother couse i said i needed help and that i found a place for her to live while i was sick and had to get better, thats true but u feel guilty about it and it stays with u for life. anyways after a while i have had alot of misscariages after 10 years i got preg. and i was drespresed again and i was under supervision all the time. i was on Anti deprestion pills untill i was 5 months along. now this was the first time i was on the pill for PPD I said to my self if i can do it the first time with out the medds then i can again.
I havent been on the medds for 7 months now. I talk to my BF about how i feel and he can see on me when i need to talk about something that is on my mind that i might be 2nd thinking. This what u r feeling is normal and u have to remember that we are only human and that this is oki to think and feel that way u r not alone in this alot of ppl have gone though this and might still be going through it. I still have my PPD and i take on day at a time. I now have a 3 month old son along with my little girl that has come home to live again :D and she is 10 years old. this takes time for anyone with PPD. This is one way to heal taking a big leap and talking to others about it.
I wish i did it 11 years ago when i had my stillborn child.
i hope the very best for u.

Jane

Candi - posted on 01/24/2011

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Id definatly talk to your dr sooner than later. I suffered from PPD but mine wasnt that bad.My fiance use to work 4 nights a week 40 hours also and they were over nights so it made it hard at times but not that many because my daughter slept from 11pm to 12-1pm every night. My PPD started when my daughter was about 2 1/2 3 months when she started crawling and then when she was 6 months and started walking it got worse because I felt like I no longer had a baby I now had a toddler. I never ever resented her, harmed her, yelled at her, or anything bad.I would just just crying with out being able to stop sometimes over nothing half the time. There were a few times I missed being able to go out like all our other friends could but then I would just look at my daughter and say to her and my self this is much better then going out and hanging out with friends and drinking and getting drunk. I also felt that my fiance had a break when he would go to work and I would get mad at him sometimes but never fought with him about it because he knew my situation. I was on meds for about a year off and on. I took them when I absolutely needed them. I loved and still love nothing more than being a mom and I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world she is the best thing that ever happened to me. Like I said I just felt like I didnt have a baby I felt like I had a toddler. From day 1 she was holding her up on her own. I just wanted what everyone else had a newborn/baby but at the same time I loved how advanced she was. Good Luck momma :-)

Tiffany - posted on 01/21/2011

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You are definitely not alone, so many women experience the same thing! My last pregnancy, with my son, was such a hard time for me. I was still grieving the loss of my sister when I became pregnant, she died in June 2008 from stomach cancer. Right after I found out I was pregnant, my mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and as my baby got bigger and stronger inside me, my mom became sicker. I was at high risk for preterm labor b/c I'd already had two preemies, one I lost, the 2nd, my daughter, was 32 weeks & healthy. At 30 weeks I had my son in Dec 2009. 3 weeks later, on Christmas night, my mom passed away. My son was in the NICU for 6 weeks, and to make everything worse, it was the worst winter in 30 years, so driving to see him every night was terrifying! I was depressed & anxious throughout my pregnancy & after he finally came home & things began to settle down I thought I'd get back in my groove again. He's now 13 months and, thankfully, very healthy, but I still am struggling with this damn depression. So many things in my life are different now and I just can't seem to adjust to it. My mom & sister were my main support people, my best friends, and life just seems unbearable without them. I adore my kids and am so thankful to be blessed with them and I have a wonderful husband, I should be jumping with joy, but I just can't seem to be happy about anything anymore. Some days I feel like I'm not even fit to be a mom. I know I need to get help for it, I really don't like the idea of antidepressants either,but I'm not myself at all these days. Sorry if my story just made you more depressed, but it's nice to vent to someone who understands. Depression is not something you can "snap out" of. You definitely need to tell your ob about it, don't suffer through it like I've been doing! Your baby deserves all of her mom!

Jesse - posted on 01/21/2011

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I completely understand how you feel. My daughter will be 10 months old on the 27th and I just spoke with my doctor about PPD at my last prenatal visit since we are expecting #2. I had been feeling depressed for most of my pregnancy and then after she was born, it subsided a bit. But, when she turned approx. 2 months old, it all came back. I, unfortunately, didn't have insurance nor did I believe that it was PPD. Even though I would have good days where I wouldn't feel sad or resentful or angry, the number of days where I did have all of hose feelings were outweighing the good days.
I realized that it was time to speak with my doctor about a month ago when my daughter was sick and I lost my temper. I would never, ever do anything to harm my child but, I almost felt as if I *could have* done something that day. Luckily I was smart enough to just put her down in her crib and take a step outside and call my MIL who was able to come over and help me. I had never EVER felt that way before and it scared the crap out of me that my brain would even think the thoughts that it was. I spoke with my doctor and she put me on Zoloft. I've been on it a few days now and I am feeling a some changes which I am incredibly happy about. But, my advice to you hun is talk to your doctor asap. Don't put it off like I did because, even though nothing happened in my case, they can happen when your keep putting it off.
I hope everything works out for you! It will get better, I promise!

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