should i give him one more chance and most likely save my marriage?

User - posted on 08/05/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )




On friday my husband worked late till 9pm he said on the phone but then i called at 1040pm "where are you?" and he said on the way he will be home in 15min....and hour later he called and said there was an accident and he was coming, but he was slurring...needless to say hhe couldnt tell where he was. he showed up at 1230am with a beer in his hand, saying there was a big accident i thot no wayb at that time of night...maybe im wrong....but i grabbed the beer, chucked it out the door and asked and beggedd him to tell where he had been....i got three different stories, we fought he pushed me on the floor and shook me hard three times down there and then threw meon the dad was staying with us for the night as he had worked late too and came running down and stopped him....they talked, we fought, i screemed and cried i am sick of his selfish attitude, i have a 5 week old baby with him and he started drinking more after baby. he said he was sick of me and leaving, then he threatend suicide (for the last thing he could think of to get me to do wat he wants) he had called his sister and her husband, he stayed with them that night. hehad told me to "f" off from the house before he left.
Sat morning he came back and walked in while i was feeding the baby, he said are you leaving or what? i asked what are you doing? he saidit was his house he could come nd go as he pleased....he want up stairs to calm down, and saw my bag was getting packed....i was hoping he would come back and apolligise and we would be all good and i would stay....he got mad another BIG fight that included his sister her hubby and my dad, he left me again saying it was over, and again told me to "f" off from the dad took me to the farm and my husband called that night and asked if he could still come to our daughters baptism the next day i said yes....he had promised on sat before he got mad again and left that he would not drink if i was not there...he showed up at church with wisky on his breath he drank half a bottle that night he told me, i took him aside after church to talk and hoped to work it out...we had a smalll fight his sister again interfeared and they all let me at church he told me to come back if i wanted he would take me (HA!) or dont up to me....i said come and talk to me like a man, and he walked away, i was told by a cop at church to report it and my parents forced me to go talk to the cops, we went back after chruch to the apartment and i packed somemore things cause it wasnt getting better he was still mad, he phomed and said sorry and wait for him to come back he wanted to make up...well he gt back and wasnt into comprimise it was his way or the hiway and he wasnt sorry for pushing me around or drinking after promising,
we fought again a small one he said i was too much trouble and too much wrk and he was going back to fiji...he packed his stuff and was leaving. my dad ended up calling the cops they took our staments adn his keys and sent him to his sisters.
I packed up my stuff and went to the farm.
he called monday night sounding like himself again i think he was drugged on friday.
and said sorry and he would od anything to get us back, he went to talk to pastor and is swearing off drinking for ever and making an oath at church he is getting baptised a christian cause he wants only unity now and will sign a paper that says he will not ever drink, or be ruff with me again, or get to leave and custody of our daughter. and is saying he is sorry and will do everything i want now...and he is.

I dont kno i think he is sincere and will honestly change, and that thikngs can be better then before especially as he decided he wants to be a christian too now. I was just wondering i could get a few opinions form you ladies, if any of you have had that kind of thing happen and they really did change, or wat. I would really like to kno thanks so much

I also believe in second chances i have bee given them - for big things too - and i am not wanting to walk away from the marriage covenant so easily...wat do you ladies think thanks so much

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Jenna - posted on 08/05/2010




I'm sorry that your family is in that type of situation, but I believe you need to be strong for you and your baby right now. That strenth means being able to step back from your marriage until your husband gets help. And you as well. It's not fair to have your child in that environment and you need to expect more of him as a partner in your lives. Seek out counseling, etc, but I urge you to do it while being seperate from him for a time. I hope you both are able to resolve your differences but remember now marriage covenant is more important than you and your child's safety.

Amy - posted on 08/05/2010




Well I have never been in a violent relationship, but I have dealt with alcoholics in every relationship I've been in (only 3 mind you) including my now fiancee. And I also believe in second, third, fourth chances. I am bad about it. Our relationship was founded on drinking. Our daughter was conceived while drinking. I of course, stopped and haven't drank since I found out I was pregnant. He slowed down, and eventually stopped.

We had an episode before we got pregnant, where we were out, and he just left me at the bar, went home with his ex. (they were "best friends" but she was an evil manipulative whore). Other things transpired that night that pretty much horrified him, and I ended up taking him to a rehab center. But he got out, and decided to stay with this ex (because she lived close to downtown where he was going to counseling and blah blah blah) needless to say he started drinking again immediately. And my dumbass let him. Drank with him. I gave him ANOTHER chance. We got pregnant. And of course, I wasn't sure this was a guy I could raise a child with. But I knew I was going to keep the child.

He stepped up. Pretty much quit drinking, now has quit completely. Not because I asked him to, because he wanted to. Because he loves his daughter and me so much, he never wants to see either of us through drunk eyes. He knows he can probably never drink again, because he has a problem with it.

But he has never, ever laid a hand on me.

He takes care of us completely. Never lies, never stays or goes out, the stress is huge, but he does it for his family.

Drinking, does nothing but cause problems. Signing a piece of paper from a pastor means nothing, I'm sorry, but it sounds to me he is just giving you more empty promises. Next time he gets upset, he will rip up the piece of paper and throw it at you. Or your baby. Do you want to take a risk of him hurting your child?? I know you don't want to believe he would ever do that, but any man who would treat a woman the way he has been treating you is capable of hurting a child.

If you want to give him another chance, he needs to prove himself. He needs a LONG period of sobriety. He needs counseling, to solve whatever issues that are driving him to drink and treat you the way he does. And he needs to do that away from you and your child. I know you love him and want your family to be together. But you cannot CANNOT raise a child in that environment, even at 5 weeks old they know when there is tension. Your child will thank you for that. Maybe he can't change, maybe he won't be able to step up, and you will have to face that fact. But you need to take care of YOU and YOUR BABY right now! And he needs to fix himself!

I am sorry such a long response, but I have dealt with alcoholics so many times, and you can't change them. They have to realize they have a problem, and fix it on their own. You can support them from a distance, and let them know once they are healed, they have a home to come back to. But for now, he needs to get some serious help, and you need time to heal.

Good luck hon. This is not anything I ever want anyone to have to go through.

Ava - posted on 08/05/2010




My fiance was/is a struggling alcoholic. He goes into binges where he drinks uncontrollably for weeks or months and then stops for up to a year. All I can say is it's never good to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. I'm doing it for my daughter, because he's not a 'dangerous' drunk, just a really annoying one (i.e.: the fact he even drinks), but he makes money and right now isn't drinking. We're hoping being in contact with his father is helping him not drink, because we believe that's the reason he started. Anyway, the point here is that you can give him another chance, but *one* fuckup, and you need to get the fuck out. Period. If he's already put his hands on you *at all*, you technically SHOULD get out anyway. Take what men like that say with a grain of salt. But if you are faithful in his ability to change, then sure, give him another chance. . . but like I said. . . even *one* messup, and you need to leave.

Nicole - posted on 08/05/2010




If he truly has a drinking problem, it could explain some of his behavior. And that could make it forgivable BUT not right now! Do not put yourself OR your baby back in that type of environment until he gets through some kind of reputable therapy for his drinking and anger management! If he is TRULY sorry, he will understand having to be without you while he continues to talk with the clergy at your church, seeks therapy for his problem and learns how to manage his anger better! Tell him that you will be there waiting AS LONG AS he is seeking help and working on his problem!

I am sorry you are going through this! I went through this with my oldest son's father and ended up having to leave for good. He cleaned up about three years later and is a great father to our son, but I had moved on during the three years he was throwing his life away and I am truly happy for it. Whatever happens will be for the best, AS LONG AS it is NOT putting you or your precious baby in harms way. A drunk person with a tendency to have angry episodes while drunk is a dangerous person, trust me!

Good luck!

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