Should i let him see her or even tell her about him

Crystal - posted on 06/16/2010

i would tell her and let her decide he would have to go back to court to get to see her but u should feel great that he does want to be in her life now i have 3 half sister their fathers had nothing to do with them growing up 1 of my sister had a dna test done so now her father is some what part of her life she was 23 at the time my 1 sister her father was in her life somewhat he was a drunk so that wasnt much and ,y other siste rhas only seen her father 2 times she is 29 now my father raised them as his on like my bother and myself so think abt it

Helen - posted on 06/16/2010

Personally I wouldn't let him because of he had stated in the divorce papers. He legally signed over full custody to you and has put no contribution forward to your daughter. but if you wish to avoid any bad moments with your ex...be present at the first couple of visits...lay down some ground rules with your ex...as to breaking it to your daughter, you will be suprised at how understanding children are these days. This will not change her feelings towards your husband that is her dad...she may not be her real father, but he is all that she knows of what a real father..a real dad, is. the love and a bond that they have will not be swayed by this undecisive biological father.

Hope everything works out for you...Best of Luck

Sammi - posted on 06/16/2010

such a tough decision, but yes, I think she is old enough to know the truth as well. It will hurt, but it will prove to be the best in the long run. As far as him being in her life? No, that is not necessary.

Melissa - posted on 06/16/2010

If he signed over rights then it is up to you if you want him to see her. If she is old enoughyou might want to sit down and talk to her about her biological father. But if you or your husband is not comfortable with her father seeing her than maybe he could write to her or at least she her while you and your current husband are there with her in case she gets scared or uncomfortable.

Christina - posted on 06/16/2010

Well im am in the a similar situation. My son his six not hold enough to understand but the father to my second son has been raising him since he was 7 months so he only knows him as his dad. he has never even met his sperm donor. But I plan on atleast explaining the truth to my 6 yea old when he can understand. I say if she is old enough tell her and if she wants to let her. I dont know about you but my mother never let me see my dad and even tho i remember the horrible things he did to me i never remember his face and to this day i wish i have gotten to meet him atleast once. I feel like you should always be honest with your children at all times. no matter what she chooses im sure she will always feel in her heart that your new husband will always be her daddy and the man that was there. So be honest with her cause she my feel same type of way if you lied to her when she finds out the truth when she is older and besides let it come from you oppose to someone else. But for him let him know how you really feel too. That he is an a hole for leaving her and he missed out on the best thing that has ever happen to him and another man step up in his spot and that will always be the man she calls daddy and tell him that you will leave up to your daughter rather she wants to meet him or not and if she decides not to then that is his fault. Just tell your daughter the truth.

Lori - posted on 06/16/2010

Unless he signed over all his paternal rights he still may be able to seek custody or have some kind of visitation rights to her, no matter how long it's been. That is wonderful that you were able to find a man that cares for you and takes care of a child that is not his. Every child needs a male role model in their lives and you gave her one. I would let the ex see her and that's it. Don't even tell her who that is at first untill you see how things go. Explain that to your ex that those are the rules at first, that he can see her on those conditions. Even though your daughter is only 9 1/2 she will still be confused but over time she will get used to the idea of having two males in her life. Your ex must of relized what he lost out on and wants to be a part of her life and I think he will do anything to make up for it. Don't tick him off because who knows what he may do. Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best.

Jennifer - posted on 06/16/2010

If he believes he is her father he could have a paternity test done through the courts and get court ordered visitation. Try taking him to mediation. If he really wants to see her he can find a way and she may get upset that you never told her.

Karen - posted on 06/16/2010

I think your best bet is simply speak to a school counsellor - someone who deals with children and their families and whom can give you the best advice on this situation. As much as we out here can offer up our opinions - your best to talk to someone that is trained in this type of situation - that way the school also knows what is going on and can keep an eye out for sudden changes in behaviour or anything if he does end up seeing her and you do tell her. Always seek the advice of someone that has training and specifics on the pro's and con's of the situation - it is the right thing to do so that there is no doubt in your mind what is best...

I don't think that any of us out here are professionals in that area and most of us are speaking from a protective mom's point of view. If there is a place locally that you can perhaps drop in and just talk to someone about this for an hour even - they might even be able to hook you up with free family counselling if it is needed - but for her sake and yours - talk to someone that can assist you and give you resources and tools to help you make an informed decision based on facts and not based on what other people feel is right for you and your family.

CASEY - posted on 06/16/2010

just to let everyone know my comment will be a little long and no offense to anyone at all, i as a child was in the opposite position, i real father wanted to give us up for adoption to my grandfather and stepgrandmother, but the only stipolation was that he still wanted to be a part of our lives and be able to see us ( my sister and me) but he just was not able to take care of us and he was trying to come down off of drugs and get back on his feet but my real mother was alot worse off and i was still in her care, she had already had 3 children from previous relationships by the state, they were adopted out to diff people.

my grandparents had taken my sister already,she was 4 and i was 3, i was a MAJOR mommies baby and i wanted my mom, regardless of what i went through at her house, so i was always allowd to stay and my sister was a MAJOR nana and papa girl so she stayed with nana and papa, but i knew the whole time growing up who my real parents were, when my grandparents finally got me, my dad had started doing better and said he did not want to sign the adoption papers he wanted to help them take care of us how much ever money they wanted he would give them, anything not to loose his girls, now it hadn't been along time that we had seen him, but because at the pre hearing he had agreed to sign over his rights, they made him, then i was 11 my sis was 12, i wanted to see my dad but was not allowed to and he wanted to see us, i am now 25 years old and have 4 beautiful children, and am happily married, i have had a wonderful relationship with my real father since i was 18, and his whole side of the family that i was not allowed to see, my sister, and my middle brother, but my othere sis i don't see, and my other bro i don't know. i have a very off and on relationship with my adopted mother (stepgrand mother) and adopted dad (grandfather) because they are mad at me for seeing my real dad, and a fair relationship with my real mother that was allowed to live in the same house with us growing up, but signed over her rights too, but i couldn't see my dad ???? that is where i stand with that. now my daughter is a few days from being 6, she was 3 mo old when my husband and i met, her father has never offered to take care of her, only seen her when i had made the effort to get in touch with him, it has been, 4 years since he has seen her so she does not remember him, i actually showed her a pic of him and ask her who it was she said i dunno, my husband and i just went to court for him to adopt her, and it was denied,only because he just about a month before our adoption madehis first childsupport payment that i had no clue i was going to get, then i later found out he was in prison and was just moved to a workrelease camp were he didn't have a choice to work under the table so he could get around paying child support, he had to get a REAL job, now he is wanting to see her but can't b/c he is incaserated and has supervised visits and a special center and the camp dosen't allow them to go to those centers, by the time he gets out she won't be old enough to understand everything, to this day i don't understand everything.....he will get out soon and is going to want to see her and i don't have a choice. u can only go from there.
the reason i shared this with u is to say, please don't put an age limit on a child, because regaurdless the age, we can never understand it all. this is sooo hard for me to say beacause i almost hate my x, but then i look at it form my real dads side, he was young made mistakes and said things he didn't mean, but still loved me, well my x was stupid mad said stuff he didn't mean too, he don't get a sec chance from me, but why should my baby have to pay for us not getting alone and fighting and going through the whole shes not mine, blah blah blah, that is when you put ur anger behind u talk to ur spouse, and u just have to be adults and come to an agreement, i would not let her go byherself with him, u don't know what kind of person he is, move real slow with everything is all you can do, but u should make ur x agree to that and don't just straight up say hey this is ur dad, let her get to know him first break it slow.....i wish u all the best of luck, and trust me if u ever intend on telling her that she does not belong to ur husband, id say do it whn they are around ur kids age, the older the harder from my view, don't tell ur child all the gory details, of the relationship, when they get old enough u send them to ask him all of the why's hope this helps everyone point of view, u do have to look at it from both side, and ive been the child and the mother

Samantha - posted on 06/16/2010

He has no right to her....he gave that up by denyin her when you got divorced. You should just ignore him and his calls he doesnt deserve to see her she has a great dad already. If he shows up your husband should tel him to stay away. Honestly i wouldnt even give him the time of day. It'll just complicate her life and confuse her, especially if he is just stoppin in one time ya know.

Denise - posted on 06/16/2010

I agree with Jennifer Lott. But I would be my foot down a little as to taking her out with his new wife and children and having her for two weeks. This is due to the fact she doesn't know him and you don't know him or his family. I would agree on visits accompanied by you, then sign something with a solicitor for the future. If he doesn't understand that, then he hasn't grown up any of the years.

Rebecca - posted on 06/16/2010

I would tell him that if he wants to see your child that he would have to for go the "daddy" title because it's already been filled by a man who as done the actual parenting and deserves the endearment. I would explain to your daughter that this man is her "father" in only one sense of the word...Kids today are pretty sharp so I think at nine that she would understand and be able to have a relationship with him IF she even wanted to meet him.

Cassie - posted on 06/16/2010

yea you should tell her and see what she says even though shes 9 they can still be pretty smart about what they want and don't want. i'd maybe call a lawyer and just ask him what your exhushand is really entitled to since he as the one that served the papers and said he wasn't the father cause theres always that possibilty he tries to take you to court for visition

Roxanne - posted on 06/16/2010

if you have full custody of her and hes not on the birth certificate and in the divorce he wanted nothing 2 do with her and he sent you nasty notes about how he dont want her then i say forget him! i would tell her when you feel that she is old enough to understand it all and explain every thing and have her make the decision weather or not 2 see him. i would also do it in your home and with you present.

Nina - posted on 06/16/2010

I was in this same situation as you were just last summer, my boyfriend of 7 years has been there since my daughter was 6 months old and she calls him daddy. my ex my daughter's dad called and said if we don't do it the easy way that he would drag us thought court. So I did tell my daughter about her dad and things are ok. tell your ex that you want to talk to him about what he want's before you talk to your daughter. and how I told my daughter is I told her that my boyfriend chris is her dad but they dont have the same blood and that rob is her dad to and they have the same blood. and after I told her all that I asked her if she wanted to see him and if she didn't that was ok. and I know your situation is different, and wish you luck and hope all is well!

Danyell - posted on 06/16/2010

forget him ! your now husband is her father, and man that walked once will walk again and should never gain credit of being your daughters father

Angelina - posted on 06/16/2010

in my opinion he made his desion 9 years ago. i would tellhim to go to h e double hockey sticks. he didnt want to be there before so why would he want to be there later? think of your daughter and how much that would confuse her. she already has a daddy in her life that loves her and wants to be there for her

Amanda - posted on 06/16/2010

If it were me, I think that I would wait until my child was a little bit older. I do think that telling her is the right thing, but not now. It's so complicated and I'm not sure she could handle knowing WHY her biological father did not want to be in her life. Some people said to keep the nasty details out of it when telling her but I don't think that that's right. She needs to know. If he wants to be in her life again, then he needs to take responsibility for his past actions. She DESERVES to know why he didn't want her in his life no matter how terrible he was. You can't only give her a half truth. As for the visitation... If it were me, I would not let him visit until I got to know him and his wife more. Most likely, I'd probably wait until she was older and then it would be her choice, but it would have to be within the area that we lived. I wouldn't let her go out of state to visit him. He has to live with his decision, no matter what. Yeah he may deserve a second chance, but that would be up to his daughter. If she wants him in her life later, then that's her choice. There is no inherent right that he should get a second chance. Good luck on your decision. I hope you'll post what you'll decide to do! I'd like to know how you're handling all of it! :)

Ashley - posted on 06/16/2010

I had my son very young also, and his dad hasn't seen him since he was 4 weeks old. I meet my soon-to-be husband when Sawyer was about 8 months old, and now he is about to be two. Sawyer doesn't know Ryan isn't his father. He calls him daddy and Ryan thinks of him as his real son, and wants to adopt him. Sawyer's biological father wanted to see him, but I would not let him. He had he chance with my son and will not ever let Sawyer's biological father in his life unless he takes me to court over it, which is very unlikely. If your daughter's biological father is not on the birth certificate, then you are not obligated to let him see her. In my opinion I wouldn't not confuse her like that. He missed his chance.

Nutan - posted on 06/16/2010

HI

If you want to earn your daughter's trust and let her know she means world to u, tell her the fact.Complete fact.She woudl understand.She matters the most.If she gets to know from else where you will lose your trust that moment.


About your husband, if he has on papers written he is no way her father, never bore the expenses,he can not calim fatherhood now.U can very well get this sorted in courts if it gets down to that.

Your kid is most valuable,and very prone to influences.So you will have to tell her things n in the right way..

Abigail - posted on 06/16/2010

Well i think its very important to tell her ,but i don't think you should tell her at this age ,too a nine year old or at least in my opinion it might be a bit to hard to comprehend that your daddy didn't want to be there with you .i do think you should tell her but at her own time I'm sure eventually she will ask and that will be the moment .As for letting him see her you know I'm just going to say no ,that would be completely unfair to your daughter ,I just think if he was okay with damaging his daughter when she was just a baby .then who knows whats next you know if you do decide to thou make sure he knows his place you should sit and talk it out and lay down the situation with a third party someone who is neutral and someone you both trust ,i sure hope this helps.Also do not let this guy manipulate you if your gut or first instinct says do not let him near her then dont do it .follow your intuiation.



and good luck

from a girl who also didn't have a daddy for a long time

Alice - posted on 06/16/2010

fot the sake of the baby don't let him come near you

Kristina - posted on 06/15/2010

I was 19 when i found out about my biological father and i still had trouble dealing with the fact that he didnt want me all those years ago so wait to tell her it is hard at any age to get use to the idea but it will come out eventually but make it when you feel ready to tell her and you think that she is ready to hear it cause if you tell her too soon it can cause alot of emotional problems i hope it helps

Jessica - posted on 06/15/2010

in the custody paper if he gave you full custody and it doesn't say that he has visitation right, i dont think u should, he's has said this hole time that she's not his, so when he shows up tell him to go back to where ever he come from and just leave you guy's alone, or u will take him to court

Deanne - posted on 06/15/2010

I think you should tell her, keeping it from her will quite possibly backfire in the future & she'll hate you for it. Trust me. It's her father, she should be making the decision to see him or not. It might not of worked out between the two of you but the relationship between a father & daughter is completely different to a married couples relationship.
I also would highly recommend seeing a lawyer first. Yes he signed over his rights but that doesn't make him not her biological father in her mind.
My stepchildren don't see their mother at all. She goes years at a time without seeing her boys. But the boys know she's their mother & that she chooses not to see them. Kids need to know the truth & need to be able to trust you.
Good luck!

ANGELA - posted on 06/15/2010

Be fore you do anything talk to a lawyer, and then you as her mother sit down talk to her dad the man your with now Because that is her daddy, Go from there You are her Mother you make the hard choice, Tell her when you think she can deal with it and not untill then

Zowie - posted on 06/15/2010

DONT TELL HER...... she is happy with you guys, she thinks your husband is her dad and why shouldnt she, hes been ther for her since the beggining, this will only confuse and hurt her knowing her real dad never wanted her....and as a child she will think it was her fault....he has no legal right to see her if he wants to see her legaly he has to take it up in court....it is up to you in the end, you have full custody of her and if there is no written proof that he is the father ie birth certificate etc then he cant see her without you saying ok or him going to court to get some sort of paper saying he can see her.....i dont think its a good idea for a child her age....let her choose when she is old enough....

Penny - posted on 06/15/2010

he gave you full custody so i woundn't put the child through that. some times is better for them not to know there real dads. i am going throgh court because my first childs father wants to see her, but i am fighting for it not to happen, as i believe he is at risc he may hurt her. why rock the boat now. tell him too go away to littel to late

Marisa - posted on 06/15/2010

N-O noooo! Whats the purpose of telling her? What are you trying to achieve? It won't do anything but confuse her and put questions in her head! Ugh I hate these kinda questions!!!! The word 'FATHER' should be a verb. Yea anybody can be a sperm donor but a FATHER is always there to love and protect!!!! Do the right thing and let your husband have a chance to be her father because he is there for her.

Karen - posted on 06/15/2010

Before telling a child a real whopper of a thing like oh by the way your "dad" as you know him is not your biological father - talk to a school counsellor - get some insight on if they think she is emotionally ready to handle that - I have since met someone and my son really had a hard time when he met his birth father and this is a kid that has been through a lot in his short life and is a pretty mature kid for being only 9 - but it left him in a pretty tight spot - confused, angry his biological father didn't want him. hurt his so called grandparents on that side of the family didn't want him, super pissed at the fact that he now has two daughters (half sibilings to him) that are close in age to him and yet his father didn't want him...I didn't talk to a school counsellor and I wish I had of - it took me A LONG time to get him through that phase of his life - you have to be careful because once you open that can of worms she may be asking for a lot more details on the what and why then you got answers for or care to answer about. I have since been to group counselling with other parents that have been through this situation and the common message is - make sure they are mature enough and ready to handle some news that even some grown up's would have a hard time swallowing...once it is out there - she may resent you and her step-dad either way - so it is best you prepare well ahead of time.

As for the ex - tell him that if he wants access he can go to court and get a court order but that is the only way it will happen and even then if a judge asks him why he waited so long to finally want to see her - he wont have much of an answer he has a family of his own and kids with a new wife - why come back now and try to be someone he never was. He chose this path - it wasn't taken from him - you don't need the stress nor does she...know of someone and realizing they didn't want you realllly hurts a kid...so seek some counselling advice just to know how to approach the subject without creating a whole new problem.

Desiree - posted on 06/15/2010

in my opinion i would tell her and just let her know that he is her dad and that she does not have to call him dad or anything of that sorts and let her decide weather or not if she wants to meet him and if she wants him in her life or not cause she should not be forced to love him if since he has been so bad to her in her short life

Jennifer - posted on 06/15/2010

My old boss had a son who believed his step dad was his birth father until he was 12 years old. One day his step dad and mother were fighting and it all came out. The child was so broken and confused. He now has a wonderful relationship with his birth father, by his choice. Moral of the story, never keep something like that from your children if you really care about them. Your daughter may be young, but its better to tell her now rather than later, because they always find out. She can make the decision whether or not she wants him to be a part of her life. But get an attorney, because your ex has rights and you need to make sure you retain full custody, at least until you know whether he will truley stick around or not.

Sally - posted on 06/15/2010

He cant insist that he see her if he signed her over. Stand your ground for ur daughter!! Its not right for him to drop her and then try and come back and be a dad. She has a dad!! I sound like a great mom think of what this will do to her..

Tawanda - posted on 06/15/2010

OK I'VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED BUT I THINK U SHOULD LET HER KNOW OF HIM AND LET HER CHOICE. I GREW UP WITH MY FATHER BUT NOT WITH HIM. IT WAS LIKE WHEN HE HAD TIME FOR ME. SO ALLOW HER THAT MUCH. IF SOMETHING HAPPENS U HAVE TO THINK OF WHAT THAT COULD DO TO HER AND U AND HIM.

Carmen - posted on 06/15/2010

I would tell her when she is emotional stable. I think at 9 it maybe to hard for her to understand her fathers motives. You may need counseling to fix the damage done by him by leaving you both and no longer wanting to be a part of her life and yours for being a mom, for tryin to protect her from Him.Its one of those things that you will know when it time to tell.Good luck and god bless

Christina - posted on 06/15/2010

if you have full custody then he has no right to see her, so call the cops if he comes near you or your family and don't leave your daughter alone in public places or anywhere. you haven't seen him in years, he could be some crazy stalker. maybe you should get a restraining order so by law he will have to leave you alone.
as for telling you daughter about him i think you should tell her but wait until you think she's ready. she has a right to know her past. make sure you really think about how you are going to tell her and timing is key. i'm sure she would much rather hear it from you then anyone else. i hope you figure this out and stay safe. this guy sounds a little crazy

Karen - posted on 06/15/2010

My son's dad left before he was born, his entire family has ALWAYS denied he exsisted...his biological father made such a stink that we took a paternity test just so I could get child support out of him. It took him 7 years and the ONLY reason he met his son was because I wanted full custody so he signed over all his rights - it took 7 1/2 years for him to meet his son for the first time.

The guy didn't want him - he asked if abortions were free that was his solution. I kept the baby and my son is now 9 - but let me tell you it hasn't been easy - once a kid finds out that someone didn't want them it REALLY takes a mental toll and emotional toll on them - being only 9 it's a tough pill to swallow -and I know for my son it put him in a bad spot for awhile - I would be very careful how you phrase things and such.

As for him suddenly wanting to see his child after all these years after he swore up in down in not only legal documents but written letters that he didn't want anything to do with either of you again EVER, I would have to say good luck to him. He would have a hard time making that fly to even the cops if he chose to drag them into it. He wants to see her - he can not only get a court order he can start to pay child support then - I would throw that his way. But legally he doesn't have anything to go by - if his name is not listed anywhere then his rights as a parent are nil. I don't think that is a good idea to just suddenly let him drop into her life - if he wants to see her so bad he can get a visitation order from the courts - and of course since you get to be there - have to be there - you can show the judge all his nice comments and such...mind you he still may get visitation but I highly doubt a judge would let him take her out of state at any given time or he could end up in jail.

It's tough when ex's come back and suddenly want and demand all these things they long ago gave up rights to have. Just tell him if he is so bent on seeing her - he can get a visitation order from the courts then - until such time as a judge rules he can see her - not take her anywhere - just visit - then you can discuss it - until then tell him he has no legal rights to anything as he gave them up years ago. Oh and while he is at it get a paternity test - a judge will likely order one if his name is not listed anywhere on any of her documents and those are not cheap.

It isn't worth just giving in and letting him waltz in and out of her life - if he lives out of state I doubt he will make a treck to see her often - so why upset things as she knows then for someone who wont even be a weekend dad and more than likely will fizzle out of her life again in no time since he has a new family now...

Nichole - posted on 06/15/2010

I see that the replies are quite divided on this question. I can see how hard a decision this will be for you to make. I would say, tell her about him, as Shana said above; just say you have a biological father...do this well b4 he will be in your area. Then when he is in the area, let her decide if she wants to meet him or not; One thing that bothers me that I did not see addressed is that in your post you wrote, "In the divorce agreement he put that he was in no way her father and I was to have full custody of her" and "she was to young to remember him and the way he treated her thank god" if he wanted nothing to do with his daughter and mistreated her in anyway, then maybe you should reconsider ever telling her about him. When she is older, she can choose for herself to have your current husband adopt her (my friend did this when she was 16, had her Dad adopt her (not bio dad)). If she chooses to do that maybe that would be a good time to bring up a bio dad. You know yoru child best, you have her best interests at heart; you remember what happened and how in the past. Don't worry about her sperm donor or anything else; don't even worry that she might be mad at your for keeping it from her, once she realizes why, she will get over it. Do what your gut is telling you. Remember yoru marriage and the 'man' who is asking to see her, remember how he treated her and their interactions, then make yoru decision. yes ppl change over time, but that doesn't excuse or erase terrible and irresponsible behavior. No matter what your decision, tread with caution. Good luck!

Brittany - posted on 06/14/2010

She is 9 1/2 yrs old, tell her. Then she can decide wether she wants nothing to do with him or not.

Ashley - posted on 06/14/2010

I think she has the right to know about him but I think the choice should be up to her on whether or not she wants him to be apart of her life.

J'Lynn - posted on 06/14/2010

any man can make a baby but it takes a special man to be a father and he obviously isn't. its all up to you but personally i would NOT let him see her at least not right now. he gave up ALL his right to being her father and its rude of him that he expects you to let him have her for 2weeks straight where does he get off thinking he has any rights 9yrs later. personally it seems a little odd that after all this time now he wants to see her maybe hes just doing it to look good for his wife plus is this just a fad for him and how long will it last??? cause if she gets to know her sperm donor and then he abandons her again thats really going to hurt her and thats the kind of hurt that will stay with her a long time. she has a loving mom and dad that would do anything for her. if you tell her she is old enough to understand to a point but shes wont understand everything. i would just wait and let her decide when she gets older if or when she wants to contact him and at what pace she wants to take it but its very selfish that he wants to push this so fast and to me that shows that he still isn't putting his biological daughters needs before his own or he wouldn't be doing this but thats just my opinion. best of luck to you and your family :)

Shana - posted on 06/14/2010

I definately wouldnt allow the 2 week visit because as far as I see it, he didnt want to know her then why suddenly now. I being then nasty pasty that I am would probably tell him that, along with missing nine years of smiles,tears,events and achievements he has also missed nine years of child support payments!!II think askeing her to spend 2weeks with someone she doesnt know and Id bet that shes never been away from mum and dad(lets face it your new hubby is dad regardless of the biology) that long.
However I would try having an "chat" (my kids call them tea and cake chats - fave cake and a hot chocolate like adults in a cafe) and explain fairly honestly that you married young, divorced young and that she has a biological dad and a dad ( i ahte step-dad in these contexts) and that the biological dad would like to see her. I wouldnt tell her any of the nasty stuff, if she asks why just say "it was hard, he was in the army and I met Dad" and let it be for now. If shes intrested in met him somewhere neutral, the 3 of you and him then play that out by ear if not, Id go with Brittanys advice "f the meeting doesn't go well then you can tell him if he wants anything to do with her then to take you to court for paternity test and possible visitation, but remind him it may not be the best thing since he intiated loosing all rights in the begining!" GOOD LUCK

Brittney - posted on 06/14/2010

Personally he choose to give up his rights, legally he has no right at all. I def. would not let him take her for 2 weeks alone. If your husband now isn't happy with him coming back around then there must be a reason.

I know my mom came into my life when I was 5 my real mother was never around she tried once to see me and when she left I was 10 and she told me thru the phone she didn't want to talk to me ever again because I didn't say good bye, not true, but that was her excuse for letting me go. She saw that I was a happy child who had a mother who loved me and took care of me. I didn't realize what had happened until I was much older and my uncle had told me what really happened. My real mom died when I was 16 I resented her for leaving until my Uncle told me what had really happened.

I think maybe you shouldn't explain that he is her father but possibly set up a meeting at a park with the him and introduce him as an old friend with your husband there and see how that goes first. I think telling her that this man she has no memory of is her father may confuse her especially being as young as she is. If the meeting doesn't go well then you can tell him if he wants anything to do with her then to take you to court for paternity test and possible visitation, but remind him it may not be the best thing since he intiated loosing all rights in the begining! Hope this helps, I know it has to be a hard decision.

Ashley=) - posted on 06/14/2010

Never keep anything from a young child about who the are....shes at an age were she can be told so much..make it good and she can decided what she wants..of course you dont want her to get hurt,as a mom i would feel the same..but really maybe the father has come to his sense and sees now what he did was wrong...i believe we deserve aleast one chance in our life.. and if it turned out well for your daughter and her father was'nt it worth the chance.For you daughter.:-)

Just separately talk to the father and tell him as he was away doing what ever and then now wanting to come now, after deciding to be apart of his daughters life,you were there to care for her and love and protect her,and you in no way want her to be hurt or let down.You can be polite but as a mom get your point across.He still needs to show respect to you whilst getting to know his daughter,you deserve that respect for never letting your child down,like he did.Give it a chance if not her him,for your babygirl.Make it supervised visits for now.

Shes also old enough to understand shes got a daddy who loves her and who was always there,that wont change...but now she has a chance to know who her father is.

Kori - posted on 06/14/2010

Personally I think it's you choice, I understand it is hard. Your daughter may only be 9 but I'm sure if you told her what was going on she would understand. That is your personal choice, just remember the longer you wait the more it could not only hurt her but she could be mad at you even though her sperm donor wanted nothing to do with her. If it were me I would tell her about it, I don't know about letting her know he's in town, as for that I would talk to a lawyer. But I would deffinately NOT let him leave with her. If you chose to let him see her, tell him that it's to be at you house just the 3 of you in the room. but I would deffinately talk to a lawyer before you do anything. Good Luck with it though hope everything works out

Angelica - posted on 06/13/2010

i think if u told her now it would not turn out good. i dont think she would REALLY understand it. my sperm donor was never in my life. my mom didnt tell me anything till i asked about him which i believe was a very good idea. i plan to do the same with my daughter. i think it would be best if u waited till she is a bit older and is a little more mature to fully understand and then give her the option to meet him

Brandice - posted on 06/13/2010

If it says in your divorce decree that he signed over any and all rights then you have no obligation to see him now. He made it clear in the divorce that he didn't want anyhthing to do with her so let it go and ignore any/all contact from him.

Carolee - posted on 06/13/2010

If you do some research, I bet you could find either reasonably priced or free lawyers that would be willing to help you...

Jennifer - posted on 06/13/2010

yes i still have the divorce papers and all the mean letters he sent saying he would never be her father and what not i kept them for this reason. ANd yes i know she needs to know i already planned on telling her some time this summer

Carolee - posted on 06/13/2010

I think that she has a right to know about him. I do NOT think that he has any right to try to demand visitations in ANY way. Did you save the divorce documents? If so, you have legal proof that he gave up his rights to be her father in any way. Eventually, it will have to be her decision whether or not to see him, though. Right now, I don't think it's a good idea. I would tell him and his wife that they cannot have any type of relationship with her until SHE chooses on her own (if that should ever happen). No phone calls, no visitations, no "accidental" meetings at a park or school or anywhere else. He needs to keep his distance. He chose that. He needs to live with his choices now.