Should i let my daughter meet her half brother?

Lisa - posted on 10/06/2010

In this situation, I would say no. When she is older, like a teenager or adult, I would tell her about the brother but if the father is still in the relationship with this woman, I wouldnt.

EMMA - posted on 10/06/2010

my youngest daughter whoms 3 i had a child with my ex who was also abusive my oldest daughter hasn't met her younger sibling as my oldest doesn't live with me but they know about eachother i think it's better to tell them rather than them find out from someone else

Aroha - posted on 10/06/2010

im going wit rachel state, i dnt fink u shuld, as they gt older they may ask if they got any other brotherz or sister, cuse u cnt hide the past wit any1...mayb u and this other lady shuld keep in tuch so when time comez u r ready 2 tell them...bt then she culd b beta off wit out him and the father...if u feel happy witout them then she will be happy cuse after all the child wil always love there mother and thats all they wnt.

Shanna - posted on 10/05/2010

If both of you (both you and the other mother)do not mind the meeting and exchange maybe it could/should happen. True the babes will not recognize or know each other from Adam, and heck probably will not remember the encounter, but they are siblings and if possible why not grow up knowing each other...even if they are simply growing up as friends. I mean, I wouldnt go out of my way for them to see each other, but if you guys already live relatively close and you two adults can be amicable regarding the situation why not...? I mean, like you said the dad will not be around until the children are grown...and until that time why waste such valuable time?

I am in a similiar situation (minus the abusive ex) I too have a son and he has a (half)brother 5 months older than he is. Now he has only met him once when he was 6mths old, but not bcause I am deliberatly keeping them away. The father had been locked up, and before that didnt try to bring the other baby around...it took months of asking before their first interaction...and I just wanted that for the sake of pictures of the two of them together for when he grows up. IDK, but deliberating keeping siblings separate just seems like not telling them a vital fact...but at that same token I guess you cant miss what you dont know you have. Good luck regardless.

Betty - posted on 10/05/2010

The kids should know eachother. A playdate about twice a month would be good. You can do visits more often or less often as you get to know the mom and figure out your comfort level with her.
You mentioned that you allow the father's family to see her so I'm sure you won't be able to keep it a secret from her even if you wanted to.

Isobel - posted on 10/05/2010

I'm not even going to read the other responses...I have a suspicion that they might make me a little angry.

My daughter has a half sister that is 3 months older than her...He never met his other daughter until she was 5 and we divorced (not my doing at all)...then all of a sudden he disappeared and stopped seeing all of his children all together for a while, so the other mother and I got together and traded kids every other weekend.

we figured that they deserved to know their family, regardless of what kind of dick their father was. And yeah, it was hard dealing with the woman who had a baby with my husband, but that's what mothers do...the right thing for their kid...not what's easiest.

Good Luck! I know it sucks...trust me, I really do...but it's the right thing to do. My kids all love each other now, and couldn't imagine life without each other.

Jill - posted on 10/05/2010

Before you rush into anything you have to consider this. Is your daughter going to understand if suddenly her brother isnt around anymore? Or meeting her own dad who wont claim her as his own? It could cause alot of pain and letdown. My own mother had to go through this decision herself and I only recently met my brothers at age 20. Personally I think it was better for MY circumstance. Both myself and my brothers are now adults we both can decide if we want a relationship. I still however have not met my father nor do I ever want too.

Brittany - posted on 10/05/2010

i think it's ok to let her know about him, tell her she has a little brother and his name how old he is.. and maybe talk with his mother, and find out if it ok with her, and yall could send pictures but if he was abusive for you and your daughters sake dont get him involved keep it between you and his mother.. if she says no.. it easier for you if she says ok.. keep that way untill your daughter is old enough to say mom i want to meet my brother...but its deffinatly a good idea to show knowledge of him.

Yvette - posted on 10/04/2010

What ever you choose to do do not lie to her because the truth will always come out. It may not me anytime soon but it will come out. Then not only will your daughter be angry at you for not mentioning things but also at the fact that you lied. If you lead her to believe that her father never knew about her then you will become the bad one in her eyes for keeping her from him not him for being abusive. Tell her about her father and younger brother, but that does not mean you need to tell her everything. Keep it age appropriate. As for meeting, like many have already said, not yet, and its also up to the other mother. You could even let her know about him now, but keep it very simple, then as she gets older add more info and when she is old enough to know everything then she will be able to make an informed decision for herself.
But if this other woman is standing by your ex even though he is in prison and knowing what kind of person he is, then how will her son turn out as he gets older? is this the kind of influence you would want around your daughter in the critical year of her development?
I hope that you do what is best for both you and youre daughter whatever you decide.

Stifler's - posted on 10/04/2010

I'd let them meet. My boyfriend has an illegitimate half brother he's never met and no one knows who is.. and he's very curious and I find it quite sad that people deny brothers and sisters the chance to be family because of fights between the parents.

Bonnie - posted on 10/04/2010

for the love of everything that is good let your child meet her half brother. My son regrets that his father and I never let him meet his half brothers/sister. He told me he regrets not having that time with them.

Vanessa - posted on 06/05/2010

At this young age i would say no. I do however believe that when they are old enough to understand they should meet and have a relationship. I have a half brother and sister that i have known about all of their lives and have not seen them in about 12/13 years. I am 29 and they are around 18 and 20. So much time has passed that i guess they don't care to have a relationship with me and i am sure their family has something to do with that. I want more than anything to have a relationship with them but it gets harder when so much time has gone by. Especially since their were things that happened and i am sure they don't know both sides of the story.

Tiffany - posted on 06/05/2010

Oh,girl....It has been a journey for you. Well, first off I want to say kudos to you for standing your grounds and doing what was best for you.Ummmm.....I think pushing the issue with them meeting is just to early and asking for some uncalled drama. Especially since he ain't trying to claim her.I think you should tell her early on that she has a half brother. But in the mean time, fall back and get that child support check and demand a dna test (Not the maury show!!! Hate that show!!!).Then he'll have to do right by her.If he doesn't he's still a dunce in my book!!!

Nikkole - posted on 06/05/2010

i half brother that i never meet bc my mom didnt want me to meet them, and we lived in the same town. she didnt tell him about them untill they moved away. Im a lil mad at her bc she never let me meet them meet them. i would love to meet them but to this day she still wont tell me who they are, and it makes me sad bc i have brother that i may never meet. but i would talk to the mother first to see how she feels and then i would go from there. good luck

Amanda - posted on 06/05/2010

My daughter has a older brother (by 11 months) and 2 younger sisters ( by 7 months and a 1 month old) I don't allow her to see the 2 that live in the same city as us, the 3rd one lives in Oklahoma with him and his 3rd baby mama, he barrly pays me CS and hasn't see my daughter since April of 2007. It's your decision but personally I think it's unnecessary drama

Christina - posted on 06/05/2010

I think it would definitely would cause problems. I can understand your concern about wanting them to meet. She has a sibling, it's only right that she knows about and maybe even knows him. But I don't think now is the time.

Your daughter evidently has a great life with you. One of these days, she might realize she's missing something. When that day comes, she'll ask questions. Depending on her age, just answer them as simply as you can.

I would also talk to his parents since you're still in touch with them. See what they think of the idea of their two grandkids meeting. If they approve of the idea, and you still want to, and the other woman is okay with it, meet at the grandparents' house.

Before you pursue this any further, ask yourself a couple questions. One, do you really want your daughter to have contact with her half-brother, but not her father? If he didn't, and doesn't, want anything to do with the two of you, abandon this issue NOW. It will just end up causing trouble. Two, for what reasons do you want her to have contact with the new family of her abusive father? She's never met him, it doesn't sound like she knows anything about him, and it sounds to me like you don't want to have anything to do with him. Three, if the last statement is true, what would be the point of letting her meet her little brother? Eventually she would realize how close they are in age and that would cause even more problems. Questions would be raised about why the two of you split, why her daddy wanted that baby and not her, and why wasn't she good enough. Four, if you do decide to contact them and let the kids meet, would you be violating the court order in any way? Review your court papers and talk to your attorney. Make absolutely sure that you won't be the one violating the court order if you initiate contact. If there is even the slightest possibility you would be, DO NOT DO IT!

As for my opinion, I think it would be best if, when the time is right, you let her know that she does have a younger sibling. You'll have to explain to her why she has never met him. By 'when the time is right', I mean if, at her grandparents house, she comes across a picture of him or her father or his other woman. It might come up in conversation at some point in the future so you can just address the issue then. Just in case that scenario happens, you need to start thinking about how to explain things to her. It might just be best to tell her that her father doesn't know about her, that you left before you found out you were going to have her and you didn't feel comfortable letting him know about her.

I suggest letting this issue go. If it comes up, explain things so she can understand them. You should definitely start thinking about your responses now so, when the time comes, you won't be completely lost about what to say. And if you have already, or will in the future, brought this topic up with his parents, discuss your decision with them. Let them know how you feel, tell what you know about the legalities, and if avoiding contact is for the best, let them know they will have to help you protect your daughter.

I wish you all the best with this. Good luck, and don't let your fear of the unknown stop you from exploring all your options.

Tamika - posted on 06/05/2010

I say leave it alone for now. The kids are still young and since sperm donar is abussive do u really want ur daughter around that. This is ur time to break the cycle. Some said if he beat u his most likle beating her. They are right and to put ur child in that situation when ur not there is not smart. Cuz obviously the other chick has not smarten up. The kids have their entire live to meet and get to know.

Crystal - posted on 06/04/2010

i think you should contact the mother to see how she feels about meeting his half sister and start from there to figure out if its going to be complicated.

Beverly Bunny L - posted on 06/04/2010

if you feel uncomfortable with this, let her make that decision when she is old enough to understand

Liz - posted on 06/03/2010

In my personal opinion:

Abusive men don't change. If he abused you, he most likely abused her. Yet she stays with him. To me, that shows poor judgment. I'd want nothing to do with her.

Charlene - posted on 06/03/2010

I would let them meet too. If bio-dad is in jail then I don't see the problem? When he comes out on the other hand...IDK? Because there is a court order for him not to see the kid he obviously shouldn't be able to. Is the other woman standing by him through his jail term? Of course if it is a long sentence then who knows...Have you talked with her and seen what she thinks? All I know is I would want to know my siblings full or half! In the end family is all you have!!! If by chance you never have another child that half sibling will be all there is for your child and will be a very important person in your child's life!

Heather - posted on 06/03/2010

You have to way the issues in your mind. My daughter's father was abusive and a complete dead-beat when he left me 3 years ago for another woman he had got pregnant. My daughter had a half brother when she was 2 years old. For a long time I didn't want the woman or the kid around my child b/c they were not helping my child in anyway. I got to know the woman and it turns out she is a pretty good woman and mother. My daughter now sees her brother about twice a month. Also the way I thought about it was if I don't let her see him now, when she is older she will find out and be mad at me b/c that's how children are.

Amy - posted on 06/03/2010

I would let them meet, but I would also make sure that at all times the father isn't there (since you have a court order saying he can't have anything to do with you guyes).

It's really up to you and it's not an easy decision. I see you said that your ex's aren't even 100% sure the boy is his even? If you trust your ex's parents taking there judgement on this might be a good approach if you just can't decide.

Jenna - posted on 06/03/2010

I honestly would wait until your daughter is oldenough to ask about brothers or sisters. If your ex is true to his track record than he probably won't be around for this child either. The fact that he is in t his child's life and not your child's says a lot and it may make your child feel inadequate, unwanted because of his behavior. It's ultimately up to you, but if your child is around her half brother, who does get to have "daddy", then that may open a huge can of worms.

I found out my father had children from a previous marriage when I was 8 years old. It was a long time after that before i understood what that meant. I never had any contact with my half siblings and I'm sure they only knew in passing about me. They lived in a completely different state. My father paid child support out his ass for over 18 years and never once was able to see his children, even though he had no orders to stay away. The mother of the children told them he was horrrible and was in rehab for being a drunk, which actually was a complete lie. The children chose not to have contact with him when they were older. My father respects their decision but I know it hurts him, especially since one of them is his only son. I am now 26 and have actually had contact with me half-brother for the past few years. I haven't told my Dad because my half-brother isn't ready to get to know him yet. It's bittersweet. I have never met him, but we talk on myspace and email, and we have a lot in common. But I'm, also not planning some huge family reunion.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there is no reason to rush that family contact yet. Kids are smart and when they ask the questions tell the truth and give them the opportunity to make the decision.

Jessi - posted on 06/03/2010

something like this i would say no but as she gets older & understands the situation tell her about him & allow her to make the decision for herself if she wants to know him.

i'm in a little bit of the same situation but my son's father wasn't abusive nor were we married, he just left. my son is the younger brother by 2yrs & i keep in contact with his brother's mom more than their father. we want the boys to meet but unfortunately don't have the money or travel time (they live in WA, we live in WI). we both make sure the boys see pictures of each other & she has told me gabe is acknowleding tj as his little brother. it's up to you but i would hold off for the moment. i'm glad to see that his family is still there! hope all is well!

Anna - posted on 06/03/2010

yes the other woman is standing by him through his jail term he has 57 years and he doesn't come up for parolle until 2037 i have not talked to her as of yet my ex's parents which i do keep in contact with and let visit my daughter haven't really given me much information on her other then it's a boy born 6 months after my daughter the boys name and saying they don't think the childs his but his name is on the birth certificate so either way now it is his untill he fights it but i doubt that will happen anytime soon but his parents don't like her so i'm not sure how'd i go about finding how to do it and if it'd be beneficial to my daughter to meet him

Lyndsay - posted on 06/03/2010

Are they both babies? From the picture it looks like it. If so, she's not going to know who he is anyway so it shouldn't be a priority now. That being said, when she's older I think she should be told that she has a half-brother out there somewhere and be given the option to meet him.

Erin - posted on 06/03/2010

I agree with Felecia. I would let them meet too. If bio-dad is in jail then I don't see the problem? When he comes out on the other hand...IDK? Because there is a court order for him not to see the kid he obviously shouldn't be able to. Is the other woman standing by him through his jail term? Of course if it is a long sentence then who knows...Have you talked with her and seen what she thinks? All I know is I would want to know my siblings full or half! In the end family is all you have!!! If by chance you never have another child that half sibling will be all there is for your child and will be a very important person in your child's life!

Felecia - posted on 06/03/2010

Me personally i would let her meet him. Either way its still her brother full or half. At least she would know because i see alo of peoples lifes gettin messed up because they dont find out tell they older n it messes them up. Also she might resent you for knowing and not telling her, so i would tell her.

Stephanie - posted on 06/03/2010

Does his mother want them to meet? It's just as much up to her as it is up to you. Plus you also have to look into if meeting them violates the court order even though he's in jail, it might extend to the family he is claiming

Jessica - posted on 06/02/2010

Thats completely and totally up to you, but i agree with Rachel. I would be afraid that it would cause so much confusion for your daughter..Down the road, maybe even heartbreak. Sounds like she isnt missing out on anything special, and benefit better from just leaving "well enough alone". It wouldnt really be fair that down the road, she would be left with the questions of why her "sperm donor" has something to do with her half brother but not with her, and why she gets to have a "relationship" with the brother but not with the father. again, its completely up to you and Im sure that you will make the right choices.

Rachel - posted on 06/02/2010

personally i would say no because it may cause some confusion especially if she hasent met her father and he can have nothing to do with either of you. But it is your decision and what you think is right for your child. my son has 2 half siblings that his biological father claimed and didnt claim my son so i just fuigured there is no real reason for him to meet the siblings it isnt changing his life any he has his sister and thats enough. maybe when your daughter is alittle older and can better understand things you could possibly consider letting them meet if it is ok with the other woman. I hope this helps

Anna - posted on 06/02/2010

i forgot to mention he's actually in prison now so he's left 2 kids without his support because of his actions