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Should I let my ex stay in my sons life?

Leeann - posted on 06/29/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I dated a man for almost 3 years,my son calls and thinks of him as dad. ( His real dad and I were 18 when we had him and stayed around for less than 6mo after my son arrived ).Our relationship didn't work out because of major differences. I can't stand to see him, talk to him or be around him. My son on the other hand loves him very much. He still thinks of him as dad. I reluctantly let them continue to see each other after our breakup because I believe that the more people in his life that love him the better.. Now its been two years since our breakup and he keeps begging me to let him adopt him legally.

I am so scared to let him stay in our lives because we disagree on everything, especially about parenting. The longer this goes on the worse it is getting. He lets my son do things and go places that are not okay with me but since he has taken on "dad" responsibility he acts as though I have no say in what a dad does with his son on "his time"..If I let my son go to his house for two days he will call and ask for more time. He never wants to bring him back.He has not moved on with his life, all he does is play video games, play his guitar, go to work and spend time with my son.. He doesn't want to date or go out because that would interfere with time with my son. :(

I am in a big mess now and don't know what to do. It's gone too far, he throws fits, yells and screams at me when he doesn't get enough time with my son. I feel that hes trying to take my son away. I feel that my son will be hurt in the end of this either way. When he finally decides to move on with his life where will my son fit into his life with a new girlfriend? and if that never happens then I am stuck being a part time mom because of an ex that won't let me move on with my life.Please help me!!! I want this to end. How do I undo this without hurting my son???

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3 Comments

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Dove - posted on 06/29/2012

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He doesn't want to date because that would interfere with time with your son?! And you are complaining because the two of you disagree on some things?! Is he a real danger to your son's safety or well being... or just an 'inconvenience' to you?

If he's not the father, then he has zero say legally, so if you want my opinion.... go to a lawyer and have a visitation agreement drawn up that you can live with and that would benefit your SON.... and then tell this man you are glad that he still wants to be a dad, but that he has to be reasonable and work WITH you or it's just going to end up hurting your son. If he can stick to that, then please let your son have a consistent male role model in his life. He needs it.

You can certainly 'undo' this and your son will survive, but trust me when I say that kids are MUCH better off being able to spend time with a man that truly cares... bio dad or not.

Isobel - posted on 06/29/2012

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I think the benefits of your child having any kind of father far outweight the inconvenience of disagreeing with him. I think your child is blessed to have somebody in his life who is willing to take on that role. If you question the validity of what I am saying go ahead and google the affects of not having a father and judge for yourself whether or not it's worth you feeling put out.

Michelle - posted on 06/29/2012

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If he is not legally his dad you don't have to allow it to continue, if you feel the relationship is not healthy for your son then I would put a stop to it. I wouldn't do it abruptly just start limiting time, I know here in Canada if a man takes on the daddy role but is not the bio dad they can be forced to pay child support for the child in question. Depends on how old your son is the younger he is the easier it is going to be for him to get past a seperation from this man.

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