Should My Daughters Boilogical Father Have the Right to Ask about Her

Shaylynn - posted on 09/27/2011

All children are different. And as to Robins comment, having a father in their life in not necessarily better or worse. Every case in different and until your that little girl waiting there every friday for your father to show up and him not coming like i was dont dare attack anyone for stating their opinion. I know first hand that knowing your bilogical father is not always what psychologically best for them. Do you have any idea how it feels to be waiting week after week after week for him to come pick you up so that you can have just that one or 2 days and him not come. Do you have any idea how it feels to watch his girlfriends kids getting toys and love and being pushed aside even when you are there? So please dont sit there and say that its better for them. I will NEVER put my daughter in that situation or take the chance of that happening to her. Her biological father had his chance to be a dad and she is now 5 and he could care less. She now has a "FATHER" that has raised her since birth and loves her the same as her little sister. Its her choice in the end to think about whats best for her daughter , nobody elses.

Brianna - posted on 09/27/2011

i dont think theres any harm in him asking about her..

Tiffany - posted on 09/26/2011

their relationship and ur relationship are seprate she has a right to her father at any point in her life... what if she asks u someday when she is older y he isnt around and u say well first he didnt want to but when he did i told him to go away,, she would probably b mad that u didnt allow her to make her own decision. i went throught this w my daughter also. the biggest thing for me is i refused to say bad things about him in frount of her even when i felt like i hated him

Nicky - posted on 09/26/2011

I know you are hurt and trust me, I can relate because my daughter's father is the same way - he left me when I was pregnant. He does have a right to ask about her though and actually does have a right to see her if he wanted (As long as paternity was established - if it was not he would have to submit to have a DNA test and then file for visitation.) I highly doubt he would do that though if his family does not know about her. I know you might not agree with his decisions on who he tells, who he dates, etc. but he is going to do what he wants to do. I have learned that I cannot change my daughter's father or change his actions. I have simply accepted it. He has shown no interest in his daughter, has not even seen her, held her or asked about her and she is 15 months old. I know it sucks but you should be happy that her father wants to at least know how she is doing. It does show he cares. Maybe he doesn't care enough to see her or acknowledge her with his family, but he is asking and as her father he does have a right. That is his child too. Without him you daughter wouldn't be here.

Barbara - posted on 09/25/2011

It is really messed up but if he is asking you should tell him because the time is going to come when he may request to see them, and since you haven't mentioned his being violent or a drug user or an alcoholic, you will have no legit reason to say no, even if you don't feel he deserves to know about them, talk to them and to see them. The reason you can't say no, is that it will backfire, they will blame you. You do not have to let him have emotional power over you though. I know you don't want him in your life now, but if you try to keep him from talking to and seeing the children it will backfire.

Abigail - posted on 09/23/2011

I feel like if he didn't put his name on the birth certificate then he has no real interest. But maybe every now and then guilt gets to him and he wonders about her. I think what you could do, so when your daughter grows up she can't blame you for keeping her daddy away that you could maybe every now and then send him a letter telling him little things about her, nothing in great detail and with a recent photo. SO then its totally up to him from then on what he does. Your daughter is still young enough to be able to figure things out. She needs a father whether he was a total a-hole in the beginning or not. It is a tough job, this parent thing. Good luck!

Guadalupe - posted on 09/21/2011

If he hasn't helped you in any way he has no rights. I have a son and his biological father has never seen him or helped me in anyway.

Letitia - posted on 09/21/2011

whats with this she owns & he owns Crap? NO BODY owns a child my parents don't OWN me far out. If he really gives two hoots about his child he will make sure he gets to be apart of her life.RedNeckMaMa go with your gut. Do not keep her from him out of spite, if he genuinely wants to be apart of her life, let him if he only wants to know about her but doesn't really care stuff him. Until he says he wants to know her & wants to care for her keep him at bay as she is a gift that you have that needs protecting until she is old enough to make her own decisions unless you both have her best interests at heart.

Yvette - posted on 09/20/2011

I think every father has a right to know their child weather it's straight away or years later. I understand your confusion and being hesitant about it all after so long etc. I have a daughter who's dad has recently gotten in contact with me to sort out child support payments but he's never met het nor does he want to know her. She asks me ?s about him all the time and to start off with i would avoid the subject by changing the topic but now she's 8 so i tell her the exact truth. He does have the right to ask after her but as for seeing her etc that's totally up too you. My daughters dads parents know about her but coz i'm her mother n they don't like me they wan't nothing too with her. It's understandable to still have feelings for him but honestly you're better of being a single mum and foccusing on that. I don't know if i have been any help but i hope so.

Rachael - posted on 09/20/2011

he should also be paying child support. but yes he deserves to see his child unless he's abusive in which case you need a restraining order

Carrie - posted on 09/20/2011

my ex didnt tell his parents untill i was 8 months gone and asked me for a dna and i strongly believe that if it wasn't for his mum he wouldn't of taken the time to get to know him, i would never stop my son from seeing his dad though as its a part of who he is, its up to your daughter to decide when she is older what she thinks of him and if he does continue to let her down just be there to support her, she will grow up to know that it was always her mummy that was there for her x

Julianne - posted on 09/20/2011

Its not a mothers decision if the father is in a childs life or not. The father owns the child as much as the mother. They do have legal rights. Denial at birth or pregnancy does NOT take away his LEGAL right to see or know about his child.

Angela - posted on 09/20/2011

He gave up his rights when he denied her when you were pregnant! You dont have to tell him anything! But fallow what your gut instinct is telling you! its always right!

Chelsea - posted on 09/20/2011

This is a tough situation, and I would most likely question it myself, but in all reality he does have the right to know about her. She is his, and in the same she should know about him also, but I wouldnt say to much unless the day comes she asks then is when you really need to let he know. It is sad that he will care for another persons child and not his own, but he isnt the first to be like that and definitely not the last I am sure. Maybe next time he asks you about her, maybe you could ask him to stop by sometime and find out for himself. You never know that might bring him around and then again maybe not, but its a chance maybe you should take. You never know a long lasting relationship between them could start. You might not want him in your life, but he deserves to be in your daughters and her in his if that day would come that he would want to be.

Julianne - posted on 09/19/2011

Legally every parent has a right to see or ask about their children unless the court states otherwise. Even when parents are deemed unfit they still legally have rights to know about their child and have visitation.

Sami - posted on 09/19/2011

Robin, I totally hear and appreciate your opinion as well. I firmly believe that every parent has their own style and as long as they are looking out for their childs best interests who is anyone to say what is right and what is wrong for that child. As their parents we know their personalities and what makes them feel how they feel and that we need to look out for ourselves and our children and make decisions based on what is best for ourselves and our children. Because our thoughts and feelings affect our little ones too. Even when we are hiding the negative from them they still sense it in our body language and our tone even when we are happy and excited.

What is right for one person is not always what is right for another...

Claire - posted on 09/19/2011

is he on the birth certificate,if not run and don't look back.coming from experience

Adriana - posted on 09/18/2011

There's no doubt that he messed up big time by denying her but if he's starting to show interest even the slightest bit then you should let him in a little, go ahead and update him on whats going on with her that way when she gets older and wants to know why her bio dad isn't around (if he's not still) then you can tell her b/c he chose not to be, not b/c you wouldn't let him in her life. As her mother do your part and that includes communicating with the bio dad about the child....IK it's hard, just hang in there.

Robin - posted on 09/18/2011

I'm sorry Sami, but I disagree. I do appreciate you opinion, however, and I assure you I'm not looking to fight. A PARENT who is an addict or abuser (whether male or female) should not be allowed unsupervised visitation, but should not be denied visitaiton entirely. Drug screening and court trained or approved supervisors can make the situation more safe. On the other hand a PARENT who doesn't want to step up and be a parent should be limited in now way. Psychologically a child will be less injured by a parent who wants him or her sometimes, compared to thinking their parent never wants them. It hurts both ways. Neither option is in the best interest of the child, but a parent caring sometimes is better than never. I do not believe one parent should cancel plans and/or change his or her life for every spur-of-the-moment request from the other parent, but I don't believe the other parent should be denied entirely either. There is extensive literature available regarding "Father Need", as absent fathers are more frequent than absent mothers. Both parents are essential. RedNeckMaMa, you should google this or read a few books. It may help you move past bad feelings personally when you read how having a father can benefit your daughter. I also hugely support involved step-parents. Children need both mom and dad, whomever may fill that role.

Sami - posted on 09/17/2011

I dont think that anyone is advocating removing a father from a childs life and if they are its probably because in that particular situation it IS what is best. A man who is an addict or abusive shouldnt be in a childs life. A man that doesnt want to step up and be a father shouldnt be in a childs life. A man who is back and forth and undecided, coming in and out is more damaging then not having a father at all. And as a parent wanting what is best, those are sometimes the decisions you have to make. It is sad and no one WANTS their child to not have 2 parents but sometimes its just the way it goes.

On a personal stand point i told my ex he could not come around or be involved in my daughters life because of his addiction and because of his indecision. I was not going to have him floating in and out of her life whenever he pleased. And one day if he cleans himself up and makes up his mind I will allow him to be part of her life. But ONLY when he is healthy.

I do agree with robin though that when it comes to co-parenting separately you NEED to put personal feelings aside. Both parties do. The child and their well-being MUST come first

Robin - posted on 09/15/2011

I am absolutely cannot believe how many mothers advocate removing the father from the life of a child. Children are not posessions which one of you own. You both had to be there to make the child, and you both should be there to raise the child. Child support, names on birth certificates, girlfriends, step-children, none of these things have any bearing on the psychological and developmental effects of growing up without a dad. I recommend you make no legal decisions based on the information provided by anyone on this site, and do not take any action based on "legal" information provided on this site. Speak to an attorney. Not paying child support does not equal "no rights", and terminating parental rights is not a simple process. Why would you want your child to be fatherless anyway? As for your decision, RedNeckMaMa, you're never going to be able to provide your child with a healthy relationship with her father until you move past your feelings for him and realize that you cannot change who he is dating now or whether he parents her children. You need to concentrate on being the best mother you can, and encouraging him to be a good father for your child whenever you can. If he wants a relationship with her, he should have one, and you should encourage it. If the two of you can cooperate in parenting so your daughter grows up with both parents, she wins. If she never knows her father, or you end up in court and a Judge decides on support, visitation, etc., everyone loses. I hope you can put aside your feelings as a woman and think as a parent...your daughter will be much better for it.

Rochell - posted on 09/14/2011

My childs bio dad does the same.. the way I see it.. it's easier to send them an email every now and then even possibly a picture.. to keep the peace. If he were to go to court, he would get visitation no mater what.. so with simple emails every now and then shows that you attempted to keep him up to date so if he decides to pop up for visitation later down the road it will be rougher showing he didn't try to see her prior. Good luck!

Lauren - posted on 09/13/2011

That is a really tough situation. But what would be in the best interest for your daughter? If he is willing to step in and be the father she deserves, then she has every right to have her father in her life. There is no making up for what he did to you and that he wasn't around, but that is an issue he needs to make up to you. Your daughter shouldn't be punished. Now, if he is just asking but has no interest in actually being around then I wouldn't speak to him. But if he does want to be around, make sure to get whatever visitation agreement you agree to in writing and approved by a judge. It can come back and bite you in the butt if it isn't handled correctly.I hope this helps honey! It you want more details, you can message me.

Sarah - posted on 09/12/2011

well i say if he does not step up to the plate no until he takes you to court and make sure you get child support!

Sami - posted on 09/08/2011

i am in a similar situation....my ex from the beginning didnt want to take responsibility for another child (he has a son with someone else) and then just before she was born tried to come into her life but due to his addiction to pain meds i wouldnt let him. I have recently heard that he is doing better and might try in the future to come around. I also am very torn because i am now in a new relationship and my bf has taken responsibility for my daughter and has become her father. he is dead set against any contact with my ex and his family. i really dont know what to do....

my opinion though is that if these fathers are willing to come into these childrens lives and take care of their kids it is then that they have a right to know. there are too many unfortunate circumstances where GOOD dads that revolve their lives around their children that fight and fight and they get screwed out of having every moment possible with their kids where there are deadbeats all over that just get rights and whatever they want handed right to them......

Hayley - posted on 09/08/2011

fathers always have rights, but its up to you if you say no, and if he cares or not, if its just a question like how is she, just say she's fine, and leave it at that :) xx

Zipporah - posted on 09/08/2011

Ok Jennifer Morritt not every father deserves to see his child!!! There are certain circumstances that I think a father should not see his child..... I have a 4 yr old who has never met her father due to his backround which I will not go into detail but I will say it is horrible. But I do think that he still has a right to know how she is doing. I give him updates when he calls. Just that she is doing ok and getting big and healthy. But since I don't know your situation I would say the nice thing to do is give him updates. I think that fathers like that shouldn't have children honestly they only care about themselves..... I wish you the best of luck in your journey and hope you find middle ground.

Ashley - posted on 09/08/2011

I think he has the right to ask, but if he wants anything to do with her, then i would go to court. I am going through a similar situation with my daughter's father. He sees her now, but only because we went to court. He puts his new wife and her children, and his two children from a previous marriage before my daughter. It is hard because she is 3 and asks why he picks them over her.

Letitia - posted on 09/08/2011

Marilyn, Please don't keep the truth from your child. My mother is my mother & my father is my adopted father & he is also now listed on my birth certificate. He adopted me when he married my mother. I have never met or conversed with (lets call him the dead beat sperm donor). I am thankful that i have known about my 1/2 adoption for as long as i can remember & believe my mother did the right thing by telling me as a toddler & me being able to grow up knowing the truth rather then finding out when i was older. xxx

Amanda - posted on 09/07/2011

If I was in that situation, I wouldn't think he has the right to know anything. If he wanted nothing to do with "his" daughter before, then why does he now. Especially if he isnt' paying child support of any kind. I dont know how old your daughter is, but as she gets older it will not be fair to her if he is in and out of her life as he pleases and she wont understand why her daddy isnt there for her all the time. I think for the both of you its best to not have him in either of your lives.

Jennifer - posted on 09/07/2011

you have lots of replies already, but my friend is in the same situation her daughter is 41/2 her dad calls once in a blue moon, she simply says, not a good time, call me later, and he never does. she jsut leaves it at that, if he cares enough hell call back and make an effort.
she is now with an awesome man, and they are having a child together and he is an awesome step dad to her daughter.

Jayme - posted on 09/06/2011

I have struggled with somewhat of the same issue for the past three years, except I am the one usually getting a hold of her dad and seeing if he wants to see his daughter. I have stopped that just recently after four attempts because if he cant find time to drive a half hour to see his daughter its not worth it you know? plus i don't want my daughter to meet him and then he never come back and then her feeling that rejection that she wasnt good enough or something you know. that could cause lifetime and emotional problems. So as for myself i would just let her decide when she is old enough if she wants to see him and leave it at that unless he makes the choice to fully see his kid like once a week and commit to it, i wouldn't start a relationship between the two of them its not fair for her then.

Kate - posted on 09/06/2011

My ex has no right since he didn't even sow he cared until i asked for child support. Now 40 months after he left me pregnant i will ask for sole custody taking way his total rights, which will leave my fiance to adopt my daught that she calls daddy when we get married. i took almost 3 years keeping her away from my fiance and now that shes around him....shes such a daddys girl. her real father is nothing but a sperm donor my fiance is daddy and thats how things will stay. just remember that taking sole custody or even physical will be draining on your mind and body but do keep your head up you will find whats right for you.

Amanda - posted on 09/06/2011

I think finding a place of common ground is acceptable. I think if he's trying to make an effort now you should support it. You don't want to seem like the bad guy to her later on, if he messes up with her you want that on him. Don't be the reason he doesn't come around. Allow him the chance to create that relationship.

Data - posted on 09/06/2011

Women go through a lot in their lives. don't in any way feel there is something wrong with you. Your emotions are just getting the best of you. You should let go of those emotions and think about things logically. You know there is an 80% chance your daughter will want to know who her biological father is when she is much older. i think you should allow him know his child as long as he is not dangerous. at the same time, be firm with all your interactions with him so he does not take you for granted.
about your feeling for him, be careful because sometimes feelings get us into trouble. I wish you well. God bless you.

Natalie - posted on 09/05/2011

I'm sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation. I would agree with those who have said that its good that he even asks and that its about your daughter. If he is just calling to ask I would see no harm in that. If he actually wants to come by and see and spend time with her thats where I would be cautious so that he doesn't become a source of grief for her by being in and out of her life. One day she will ask about him and you wouldn't ever want someone to tell her that he tried to be there and have it look like you kept him away. So basically I would say its ok if he just asks but it may be a No-go if he still openly denies when shes older and isnt consistent with his actions. He could just be calling to really check on you have you considered that?

Charlotte - posted on 08/31/2011

You gotta put your feeling to one side and just think about your daughter. The fact he's asking about her shows that he does care after all. And where's the harm in telling him about how your daughters doing? This could be the start of a much bigger improvement in their father-daughter relations, who knows? I think it should be encoraged. People can change, especially when they become a parent. Perhaps the fact he looks after his gf's kids has made him realise what he's missing with his own child.

Emma - posted on 08/31/2011

at least he is asking about her. i had the donor's mom's contact info and he blocked me from everyway to contact her. he doesnt ask or even send happy birthday wishes to her. if he is asking about her let him know. at least he is showing alittle intrest better than nothing. if he deinies her and still asks about her ask him why he does that. then tell him how you feel about it.

Jennifer - posted on 08/28/2011

I would have to agree with some and say that if he isn't paying support that he shouldn't get to see her until he does. And why isn't he anyway, not wanting anything to do with her does not change his responsibility to pay for her, he made her. She deserves that financial support. IT seems to me that he is content living knowing she is fine, but if he does decide to see her, I would make sure he is going to be consistent and not be here and there sometimes, that is so hard on a kid. And again I must push the support. Men have to grow up and realize its not so easy and they need to help out when they play house and make a baby..Good luck.

Shaylynn - posted on 08/27/2011

I know how you feel :( My eldest daughters biological father did that for about the first year of her life. Denied her when she was born and then occasionally every month or so would ask how she was doing. My boyfriend has been around since she was 9mths old and she knows him as daddy. I made the decision to cut him out of her life as well as mine because i know it would benefit her in the long run. If he's not around now what makes you think hes gonna be around when SHE needs him. Its your call think of whats best for her.

Maricelis - posted on 08/27/2011

a father has a right to know about his child and there well being..and unfortunately it doesn't matter if he "supports' the child financially.
however as the mother you also need to keep her best interest in mind. if he is in and out then it's prob doing her more harm then good and u need to let him know that.
if the child is young then it's up to you to help foster the relationship until the child is old enough to maintain it on thier own. At the end of the day you can rest assure that you do your part.
I don't know why he is denying ya'lls child but there is a solution to that and that is a dna test. Regardless if you know for a fact that it is his child that little paper ensures you of a lot of things come need be.
i don't want to be harsh but remember that you two are no longer together and his personnal life is no longer any of your business unless it directly affects your child. and then it's up to you to do something about it..again not for your personnal vendetas.
one thing id like to say though is that for some it takes a lil time to come around. it took my biological father quite a few years to come around...and i mean quite a few. but i can tell you that my mother did her part in not getting caught up in her personnal stuff hindering my own feeling towards the situation. i can thank my mom for what she did and didn't do and i knew who to look to for what becuz it was very clear.
just remember she has you. and always will.

LaRhonda - posted on 08/27/2011

It is important that you take yourself and your feelings out of the equation for your daughter. Although you may not want to deal with the father, you never want your daughter to say you kept her from getting to know her father. Believe me, if he is a dead beat, your daughter will figure that out in time. You will not have to do anything. My mom did it for me and I can appreciate why. Her mom kept her from having a relationship with her father. She finally developed one when she was grown, but he died soon after. I think that has always bothered her. My father is a dead beat, but that is my own opinion from what he's shown me. Know that your feelings for him are what's making you want to hurt him by keeping his daughter away from him. But you're not just hurting him - you're hurting her.

Amber - posted on 08/26/2011

First of all, if he is asking he is showing interest in her, answering his questions wont hurt anything, second how do you know that he is making time for the twins? My husband has another daughter that we sometimes have to go 2-3 weeks without seeing because of either gas money or work, it doesnt mean that he wants to spend more time with our daughter just that we cannt go and get her as often as possible. And sorry here is the truth you have a kid together he will always be apart of your life, but all that means is try to come to an arrangement that suits you both, and be understanding of life. In short it is not about you anymore it is about her and all children need a mom and dad, and it doesnt matter if they are boilogical or not, aslong as they are there

Stacy - posted on 08/26/2011

If the father wants to know how his child is doing. Just say fine. He does not need details or anything else.Thats what I would do :)

Letisia - posted on 08/24/2011

I understand that you are hurt, but in the end, I feel that you need to keep the lines of communication open with him. only for the sake of your child. You don't want him to blaim you for everything once your daughter gets to the age where she understands the situation. Trust me its hard, but for your daughter's sake, be nice! :-)

Jackie - posted on 08/23/2011

i think if he asks tell him the basic dont mention anything else like if he asks if shes ok just say yes or if he asked about her at school say she is doing fine! does he see ur daughter? and does he pay anything for her?? as that can always be brought up too! if he was that bothered he would see her even in a conctact center so his ugly girlfriend isnt there or her kids! and pay for her if he cared so much! i personaley think that if he cant be arsed he shouldnt no as my son's dna provider as he has done nothing else and he might send an email every 18months! if he can be arsed he never asks how he is so he gets no answers! but i think u should do whatis right as when ur daughter is older she will have questions and u dont want to be the 1 that apears to have stopped him knowing about her

Kelly - posted on 08/22/2011

Tell him she's fine, if he really wants to know how she is ask her himself. She will figure out for herself in time what he's like.

Crystal - posted on 08/20/2011

oh girl... it doesn't get any better the older they get... be the better person the best you can and be nice... and make it short and sweet... dont be who he is...even though you have enough reason to do so... I wish I had learned this early on.. it will save you so much anger and heart ache... don't take the time to be angry... spend that time with your daughter... it does get better and my husband is a great dad to my daughter and she is better off!

Jenna - posted on 08/19/2011

My almost-6 year old has never seen her father, he took off interstate when I was pregnant and got his new gf pregnant. Denied that my daughter was his, took on the other kid as his. Never asks how she is, he just doesn't care. My friend has a daughter, the mother smokes with her in the car and takes her without a car seat ( she's 5). Won't allow him visitation. She's unemployed, he runs his own business. She won't let her do afterschool activities, he always takes her places. Life sucks sometimes, and it's not fair

Ariel - posted on 08/19/2011

My daughter's dad kicked me out 3 1/2 weeks after finding out I was pregnant. I moved 2 hours away to live with my grandma and he never tried to get a hold of me the entire pregnancy. When I found out I was going to be induced, I had one of my friends get a hold of him. I found out that even after he had kicked me out, he never told his family I was pregnant. But when it comes right down to it, our problems are with each other, NOT with our daughter. And although I wanted nothing to do with him, he is still her father and as long as he shows interest in being in her life and taking care of her, he's welcome to be there. I don't want to punish my daughter for what he did to me.

I think that if your ex is only asking questions, but not showing interest in taking care of her, he shouldn't be asking questions. Whatever decision you make should be made in her best interest no matter what your feelings are about him being in your life. It's a hard one to make, but I'm glad I let my daughter's dad in her life because he is a wonderful father.