Should we stay married??

Christina - posted on 11/11/2010

My husband and I went through something similar over the summer. As it turns out, I was suffering through postpartum depression. After I was diagnosed with it, luckily I didn't need medication, my husband and I talked to the pastor at our church. He gave us a list of things on how to improve our relationship, something like marriage exercises. Within a couple of weeks, our relationship improved. As of right now, our relationship is as good as it was before we had kids. My advice to you is to go see your doctor and rule out any medical condition that might be making you feel this way. If it's nothing medical, then I would urge you and your husband to go to marriage counseling. From what you said it sounds like your husband is a great guy and from my prespective, it sounds like your marriage has a good chance of being saved. I also commend you for not cheating and not having the urge to cheat, when most people in you position would. Good luck, sweetie. I hope everything works out for you and your family!

Amy - posted on 11/11/2010

well Im going to repond in 2 parts.. honestly part of it could just be (its too late) the him pitching in and helping part..maybe he senced something..
one way to tell if its hormones do you ever get a mushy in love feeling with him ever? or want to ever? usually hormones will go both ways.. lack of time plays a big part.. when I dont see my other half much I dont want to be intimate with him either deff when he chooses not to be home himself and it has nothing to do with work..and wants to throw a quicky in I just dont want too..but we too dont date.. i feel like im a single mom alot and that also can make a mom resentful of their other half you always being the one that takes care of the kids and no time to yourself.. I too try to figure it out...many things but if theres many maybe you or even I lol need some alone time to think..take a weekend vacation

Courtney - posted on 11/11/2010

I think your marriage is definately salvagable. You just have to want to fix it. The dating and counseling should work wonders. Hang in there and fight for your marriage. It will be worth it.

Sarah - posted on 11/09/2010

Talk with your doc. as your hormones may have changed since just having a baby. But another thing is that you are not going to feel intimate if you don't create an intimate environment. If you don't "date" each other then how are you going to expect to feel like a "dating" couple. You have to make it a point to reserve time for each other where you act like you were when you were dating. Also know that in a marriage you are going to go through stages. A marriage is not the honeymoon stage all the way through 60 years of marriage. A marriage has many different stages and with each stage you have to figure out how you both fit into it and want it to work. First when people are first married they generally have that honeymoon stage....where everything is fun and exciting. Then many start to have kids and kids make for a different stage. It is no longer just the two of you and the needs of your children often times get put before the two of you. This is when couples have to figure out how they want their marriage to look and go. As kids grow they also create different stages for the marriage. When they get older it becomes easier to not have to arrange for a babysitter to go out, but then you are also having to attend more of their activies and your nights are often times filled with school events. Then the kids are graduated and off on their "own". Now you have the time that you once had, but sometimes not the energy you use to have....so this is another stage. You are not going to always "feel" love. To me love is more then just a feeling.....it is a commitment. In sickness and health, for rich and poor.....When I feel like I love you and when I feel like you are more of a best friend. Love is a strange thing....just because you don't "feel" it at one point it does not mean you can't get that feeling back.

Tah - posted on 11/09/2010

i think it may have to do with hormones, you two need to get back to the basics...you and him together, getting intimate, away for the weekends, plays some games, get to know what made you two fall in love and it should come back to you. Not a reason for leaving i say...and i have seen some reasons, this isn't one...

Chrystal - posted on 11/09/2010

In my opinion, not wanting sex after your baby is born is completely normal. That feeling of wanting to have sex should come back after a while. As far as seperating, that is something you have to decide on your own. When I got married, I vowed for better or for worse. The only reason I would leave my husband is if he cheated on me or if he hit me. All marriages go through dry spells. You just have to remember for better or for worse. Vowels are serious and not something to take lightly. I hope everything works out for you:)

Stifler's - posted on 11/09/2010

Is your libido just low or you really just don't want to have sex specifically with him? Because sometimes I have moments of low libido and think ew get away from me when he touches me in a certain way.

Christi - posted on 11/09/2010

Wow, Katrina couldn't have said it better. I felt the same way. I also found myself thinking well, I better give it up to him because it's either me or porn or possibly him finding someone else. We are now trying to take more date nights, just the two of us, and he holds my hand wherever we go and it's like the romance is back.

Christi - posted on 11/09/2010

I have to be honest and say I felt that way for a while after I had our son and honestly still do sometime. I have gone to counceling and found that is all part of the PPD that I am still suffering from as well as just depression. I know in my heart that I still love him, but somethime intamacy is the last thing on my mind, especially if I have been trying to find a way to pay our bills or if therapy with my son has been especially trying.

Kimberly - posted on 11/08/2010

I had those same feelings towards my boyfriend at one point in time as well. We just didn't feel connected anymore which made me cringe when he touched me. When I realised that he had these same feelings we decided to start "dating" again and see if that helped. We made a point to play a game, wrap presents or whatever together after our son was in bed instead of sitting on different couches watching tv. We started holding hands when we went out, massaging each other, cuddling with no sex afterwards, etc. It's amazing how connected I feel to him now even though we see each other less that we did then(he works away for 2 weeks at a time). I can't believe how much it helped and I went from not even wanting him to cuddle me in bed to not being able to keep my hands off of him. Our relationship is so much better now that we actually take the time to work on it and make each other feel good. I think most couples go through some version of this and it's all in how you deal with it and work on it together that will make your relationship last.

Bethany - posted on 11/08/2010

Personal opinion, I honestly don't think that you will get that intimate part back without taking time apart, but I do agree that you should seek counseling.

Leah - posted on 11/08/2010

Oh Katrina, Thank you! I'm glad that I'm not the only one that feels this way. What you said makes alot of sense to me, we don't have alot, if any physical contact during a normal day, so when he does try to touch me intimatly, I can't really explain it, but it feels like I'm being taken advantage of. We really should make 'normal' physical contact a priority. Like I said, he is my best friend and don't want to lose him, but I'm not sure if we can keep this up forever. I am also going to look into couples counselling as well, thank you Taylor, I know it can't hurt.

Katrina - posted on 11/08/2010

I have had the same reaction at times to my husband. Every time he would touch me it was almost repulsive. After a while I realised it was because unless he "wanted something" there was no physical contact. He is a Medical Intern and so has long hard hours, I have the girls and the housework. We were both just so exhausted we didn't realise that the small physical things had gone. For example, the pat on the back, the hug from behind while cooking dinner, the holding of the hand while watching tv. There was no touching between us unless it was sexual and it just got to the point that I started feeling used and unloved.
Once we realised what was wrong, we were able to concentrate on it and it has gotten better...not fixed but better.
Could this be something that is the issue for you? With two kids, it's easy to get distracted and not notice if something small like this has changed. But it can be a big thing if it does. (and if everything is fine apart from the physical then maybe that's what needs to be looked at)
Good luck with your relationship. :)

Taylor - posted on 11/08/2010

Im going to be the brave one and reply to this bad boy. Although no one can ultimately make this decision for you, there are good and bad things in this situation! Props to him for making changes... that's one thing I think is a make or break after you have children is whether or not your man steps up to the plate even when there's problems. And although a relationship shouldn't need to rely on sex to be a good relationship... shuddering when your HUSBAND touches you is a pretty good indicator that something is wrong... Look into couples counseling first I would suggest. If it's out of your price range most cities offer free counseling through recreation centres and such. Go there and talk it out in a neutral environment with a professional who will tell you whether your relationship is salvageable or not. I can understand where your fears come into play and there is a lot to think about. But I really do think that couseling can help or at least shed some light on why you feel the way you do or why you lost that intimate connection towards him. My boyfriend and I separated for a while and I can tell you it was because we both fell out of love because we fought too much. But after spending time apart we realized all we want is to be together.

Seek counseling and then go from there.
Best of luck girl ♥