Should you keep your child from his/her biological other parent?

Josephine - posted on 01/26/2010 ( 25 moms have responded )

42

51

9

Get this: Guy & girl date, girl gets pregnant, they have a bad break up, girl decides to keep the baby away from the dad. After 5 years guy's sister gets in touch with girl about seeing the child, or at least getting a picture of what he looks like - she still wants nothing to do with the guy or any of his family... Is it really that serious?? How do you think that is going to affect that child in the long run when he gets older and wants to know about his biological family?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Elizabeth - posted on 01/28/2010

4

12

0

this is a tough situation.....i am in a similar situation....i could go on for hours...do not punish the child............he deserves to know his aunt and grandparents if they want to be part of the childs life.....maybe down the road the father will come around too....if not that child will be loved by enouch people that he doesn't need him!!! If no custody order is in place do not leave the child with the father, aunt, or grandparents! He is to remain at your side!!!! If the father decides to take him there is nothing that you can do unless you have a a court order in place!!!

Jen - posted on 01/30/2010

14

7

0

I also had supervised visits at first....
family is family, 5 years is a long time for some1 to not talk to or see their child, I feel like every one deservs a second chance, and at some point in everyones lives they decide to grow up.. life takes time, life is pressious... tomorrow is not promised, live today work for a better future...

Katty - posted on 01/27/2010

43

39

1

he may be better off aleast he does not have to go from one perents house to the other all the time my stories a bit the same but my sons dad does not want to even see him his family have seen him a handful of times my son is now three and i dont know if i should even try and get them to see him as im the one making the efort to contact them to make a time for them to see him sorry this not much help but i know whats it like on both coming from a family where my perents split up and i hated seeing my dad as it made life hard specialy as a een when u just want to be with ur friends but u cant as its dads weekend

Louise - posted on 01/27/2010

1

35

0

If the father or fathers family legitimately wants to have responsible contact with the child it has only got to reep benefits for him/her!

Ayrjia - posted on 01/27/2010

29

0

2

Wow.. this is TOUGH for EVERYONE involved. So you know how you feel about this...imagine how his family feels? Knowing they have a nephew, grandson, cousin out there that they don not see but wish they did? I know if things were left on a sour note you may not want to think about this, or even care at this point. One thing to think about is that FAMILY is FAMILY. No matter how long it takes or how far apart you are from them.

This man has made his decision. His family, if they have done nothing to hurt you, does not need to be punished for his choices. They could be a great support to you and your child.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

25 Comments

View replies by

Amanda - posted on 08/30/2012

1

0

0

Two weeks after my 26th birthday my family gets in to a huge fight. I had been in the hospital on life support and had just been released when this fight happened. In the ICU at the same time was my grandmother who i was very close to and was not doing well. during this fight i get a call from my mother saying she needed to tell me this before my (who i thought to be my biological father and who is listed on the birth certificate for myself) calls me and tells me or my brother and sister (all of who i have never been close with especially the so called dad.) call in a race to hurt me the most is what i can say as to how they treated me growing up. And i still close my eyes and clear as day at 15 almost 16 remember being upset about this treatment from who was suppose to be my father asking if he was my biological dad. This all being brought up because how he and his family treated me including my siblings. Clear as day OF COURSE HE IS WHY WOULD YOU THINK OTHER WISE? I said because they have always treated me different compared to the other two siblings they were treated like gold and as soon as i was old enough to have my own real opinion on things and how i was getting treated I got treated like trash and started getting physically abused by that parent.

MY mom replies he is your biological father I'm sorry he's a shitty dad to you and not to the others.

That phone call every one was racing to tell me was He wasn't because they knew it would literally crush me. Turning 31 the relationship with my mother is messed it will never be the same or better until I am given a name and how to go about finding him alive or deceased and not another false baby from rape claim story that she went as far as to lie about but in between months years and several nasty fights the story changed the details on every thing changed and and i caught her lying which a name how they met which was in the army (my mom has the discharge papers to back it up) he got transferred to Washington or Oregon state and she was going in to boot camp with plans to follow him there. shes blurted the named out a few times refuses to write it down.

I turn 31 this December and now the relationship i had is gone. I cant forgive her for that lie and her refusal to write down the full name with the spelling correct and last state lived in. to contact his family because according to her she found him through an obituary from that area and had pat away from cancer I'm assuming but until i have proof i really cant believe her. I have one small lead of letters that they sent back and forth and her telling me he went to Germany and after i was born she sent him a letter telling him about me with a picture and once again according to her never heard from him again..

since that slip up she has been mean and nasty after and during her own battle few years back with cancer herself (which is when this obituary thing was found also) She still would rather keep this hurtful secret that Honestly at this point a frog could be my dad as long as i met him or the family it gives me the closure i really need from the hell i was put into growing up and even now my kids are paying and hear her say how much she wants to get away from me, she hates me and so on.

honestly as a parent if my child was in this position and asked me as a teenager i would say lets go talk. I would feel like shit but my child wouldn't be growing up to learning everything she knew family and friends were based on a lie every one but myself knew that who i thought was my biological father really wasn't.

to this day deep down i love my mom but thinking about the way i got treated the abuse i went through with the not the real dad, baby sitters kids and babysitters my mom would pluck from god knows where people would have been charged with stuff especially sexual assault of a 6 year old and i would have been able to work my issues out rather then bury them and the issues that stem from that alone wreck years and years of my adult hood from not knowing how to cope.

Tell the truth to your kids if they ask don't flat out lie to them.huge secrets such as what Im dealing with don't go away even with death they get more harmful as the time goes on. good luck to those that have a similar story

Elizabeth - posted on 08/16/2012

275

0

13

This is my exact story with my daughter. IT IS THAT SERIOUS. My daughter has plenty of love with the family she has. She doesn't need to get mixed in with a bunch of hippie druggie weirdos, trust me, I was only mixed in with them for 6 months (never did the crap they did though) but I saw enough to know that when I got pregnant it was time to get out! (Especially considering they all wanted me to get an abortion)

Angela - posted on 05/27/2012

6

36

0

I'm dealing with this right now.... My daughters' live with me (MOM) and father has visitation. I left their father because he was abusive, lair and a cheat. Since I left him my oldest daughter has to deal with his mind games, mental abuse and lies. This man has gone to no ends to try to get the courts to think I was unfit parents, ( any bad ideas you may think of he has tried) and tried over and over take my girls from me. Because of everything he has done and said to my oldest daughter, she hate him... she is tired of him making her feel useless and unloved.... She told me the other day she thought of killing herself so she wouldn't have to deal with him no long. If I make her go she would run away ...... I cry every day because I have tried to protect her from her father but the courts keep telling if I don't allow him to see her I will go to jail and lose my kids to him.....Now what do I do

Chloe - posted on 01/31/2010

1

21

0

im in that situation now can sum one help me out i dunno what to do?? indox me please

Amanda - posted on 01/31/2010

46

8

2

It is very wrong to keep a child from it's other parent UNLESS the other parent proves to be unsafe. I grew up not knowing who my father was. It's very hard on a child. My mom lied to me about who my father was. I found out when I was 7 through a blood test he wasn't my father. Child services wanted to be sure he was or he wasn't. I still don't know who my father is. It's one of the worst things ya can do to a child. The child grows up wondering who the other parent is. If the child finds out you lied to him/her about who it's other parent is then the child grows up not knowing if he/she can trust your word. Unless the other parent posses some kind of threat the best thing for a child is to grow up knowing who both parents are and if possible both parents living together is best. If ya lie to the child about who the other parent is without a good reasin for it then ya may as well just lie about everything else too. Cause the child would never learn to trust your word or anyone elses. The child grows up being confused. It's not right. It's wrong, it's cruelty.

Lydia - posted on 01/30/2010

1,723

21

164

why did guy wait 5 years to ask about his child? Wait - why did guys sister ask about child instead of guy? I would be wary if I was in girls shoes to... is the intent for regular and real involvement? How will the child react? I dont think I would lautomatically be offering up anything about the child until I had talked to guy, sister or any other person who had thus far not been involved in childs life. However, its impossible to make any judgement without knowing the full story as each situation is different

Jen - posted on 01/30/2010

14

7

0

My son's father left when our son was just 6 months old. after 5 years he decided he wanted to see him... I was pretty skeptical about it, But I know that there were family members on that side that love my son. However my son's father lives 500 miles away I still allow him to visit. I am a single mother, I want absolutely nothing to do with the father but we are civil for our son's sake. It was rough after 5 years of my son not knowing who he was, we just said that they were friends... when i say they I mean my son's father, his wife and their 2 kids.... They visited every month for about 3 months, they came up for a weekend or 2 per month, then we sat down and told our son that He was his father, My son and I have a wonderful relationship, I explained to him in detail, that his father left when he was a baby, and now he wants to be a part of his life, I made it very clear to both my son and his father that it's the boy's choice. My son still finds it so hard to deal with it. Now they don't call much, they dont visit much they dont send much.... I will never DENY rights, however if my son chooses not to talk to him I do not force him, If they come to visit I make them call to see if that's what the child wants. if he doesnt want them to visit they dont.... our situation is probably different, But i know what your talking about! Me being someone that didnt know their biological father repsect it whn fathers try to be in their childrens lives... AS LONG AS THEY ARE MAKING AN EFFORT! My son sees who's there for him, I never talk badly about his father.... he respects him on his own terms.
as far as in the long run.... it could go 2 ways, the child can be absolutely greatfull he knows his father, he will love him, respect him, look up to him, and want to spend time with him. OR the child will not care either way if the dude is in his life he may not want to be a part of his life, that's something I feel the child should be able to make after a spacific age.... My son is 8 and I pretty much let him decide what kind of relationship he has with his father. The point needs to be extremly clear to the father that if the boy doesnt want to see him, then it's not going to be forced! and just because the girl doenst want any thing to do witht the guy doensnt mean the child should have to miss out. ya know? I hope I was able to help. it's a long hard thinking process....
Good Luck to you try to keep an open mind
Best wishes

Katty - posted on 01/27/2010

43

39

1

well i didnt read the other posts 1st so didnt know u were the aunt i do think that even if she does not want him to see his dad or be in contact with him she should let u be as u r trying even if its taken this long to find them good luck

Morgan - posted on 01/27/2010

17

30

0

I found out I was 5 months pregnant after my ex boyfriend and I ad broken up. I told him that I was pregnant, he never did anything but cause me stress during the pregnancy. He found out the day I had my son, and showed up at the hospital with nothing for him not even a card. I was feeling great after the best experience of my life, so I put everything aside and let him hold my son. He has never called or tried to get a hold of us since he moved away and i suppose wants nothing to do with us. I think that might be for the best, I don't want anything from him if he does not want to give it . I have never asked for child support or anything. I think if you are dealing with a boy like this he does not deserve to be a part of the child's life, and if he waited years to ask about him I think that is awful. I'm sure you are better for the child especially if you have been there for him the whole time. I wish you good luck and hope you figure everything out!

Priscilla - posted on 01/27/2010

1

0

0

I understand you may have some resentment toward him and his family, however when i was young my father did the same thing and my mom never kept us away from him because she never wanted us to question who he was or resent her for keeping us away, although it took him a little while to want to have time with his child i say give it a shot if he is not doing anything illegal and hes will to treat the child good, i dont see the harm in it.

Jamie - posted on 01/27/2010

1,488

41

234

Should you keep the child away from the other parent? No every child deserves to have both parents in thier life, even if that means supervised visits for the other parent. With that being said, you cant force the other parent to be there. If he chooses not to be in contact thats not your fault. Do I think it will affect the child, yes, good or bad, well I cant say. there are so many other factors, did the mom end up in another relationship? did the mom speak positively or negatively about the father if he was not around?

Yarin - posted on 01/27/2010

33

22

2

I believe that no matter the situation, the child should have a chance to know who their biological parents and families are. I'm not saying let them have overnights and weekends, but let them have a chance to know who they are. If they truly are a danger that they shouldn't even know what their child looks like then that's something, you would have to explain to the child when they are older. Even if takes them 3 years, maybe now is when they got their act together. Maybe now is when they are a better person for their child. If it's the grand parent or the aunt, they are finally taking a stand. It's good for a child to even if they don't know their father to know someone from that side of the family. That's my opinion, and to each it's own. If the father never tried to see him that's his fault, that's his decision. The child can't hold that against YOU. If you are the one keeping the child away just because he broke your heart or something like that, the child might resent you. I've been with my husband for 7 years. We have a 3 year old son. My father in law died before my husband and I even met. In the time we've been together I've never met anyone on that side of the family. There's never been a phone call shared between my husband and his fathers family. When I mention in front of my mother in law, "how do you know if your grand parents are still alive or live in the same place", she retorts "They're still there". I know she went through stuff with my husbands father and even tried to get court ordered supervised visits, to no avail. It seems like she's happy with us not being a part of their lives. It seems like she doesn't like that I encourage him to contact them. I want my son and even his father to know a different life. Family is very important to me. You cut the negative people out, I agree, but you get the chance to know who they are! Josephine don't fight your nephews mother but never stop trying to be a part of his life!

Crystal - posted on 01/27/2010

35

25

2

I agree with most of the posts here. I too, have experience with this. Before my husband and I were married he left my son and I to party and drink and sleep with random women for fun. Some of whom did drugs and crushed pills and god knows what else. So in order for me to protect my son from being in an unstable enviornment he did not see his father for 9 months. If he would have chosen to live on his own instead of with a buddy and not have illegal drugs and crushed up pills laying around the circumstances would have been different. So it's up to you as his mother to make this decision on your child's safety. NO one elses.

Josephine - posted on 01/27/2010

42

51

9

@ EVERYONE who commented: I am the sister of the father of this child - my NEPHEW.

@ Rachel - I have never met this child but I do have love for him and want to have him be a part of my life, but his mother won't allow it because of what happened in the past between her and my brother... I know from personal experience how a child was hurt by not knowing the truth about their biological father until he was in his teens. He lost valuable time because his mother didn't feel like his father was a good person for her son to know - or whatever. But my thinking on it is this: let the child decide on his own whether or not he wants a relationship with is father or his father's side of the family.

@ Corynn - Really, my brother has no problem with her wishes of not wanting anything to do with him... Though he'd rather it was not that way, he respects her wishes. He f**d up, so he'll leave her be. But ALL he wants is a photo of his only son, but she wouldn't even return my calls to her mother's house to even see what it is that I wanted... I know myself to be a good person. I have three children who I am raising on my own. I work every day and I go to school part time. All I want, regarding my brother's children is a chance for them to know us. Their mothers are making that quite difficult for us though. Yes, my brother has done some things in his past that he's not proud of... BUT WHO HASN'T?? I'm almost positive that none of the 3 of these 3 kid's mothers are perfect either! They've done things as well that they probably aren't too proud of. But that's life, we live and we learn. Why ultimately "punish" the child for things that have NOTHING to do with him?

@ Kara - I, nor my brother would never take either of these kids away from their mothers, homes, and environments in which they have grown up thus far. Like I said to my brother in reference to his older daughter whose mother though my mom and I for some reason wanted to TAKE her daughter - WE DON'T WANT HER!! And not trying to be ugly, but really, I am a single parent of 3 kids of my own and my mom has raised her kids... We just want a chance to be a part of her life... That's IT!!

@ Kasey - I feel for you in your situation of how it was, but I'm also glad that your current husband and his family care for your kids regardless of the fact that their not biologically connected. I go through some of the same mess with my kids' father and his family, but this discussion isn't about us...

@ Stevie - I'm the one doing the contacting (or trying to contact her) because my brother is in prison. Yes, he's there for things he did that he had no business doing, but he's not the same person now that he was then. All he wanted was a photo of his son to at least see what he looked like. They broke up before the child was born and he's never laid eyes on him because she moved away and he never saw her again. She left - he didn't walk out on his child. I just don't understand why after all these years she still wants nothing to do with him - or even me for that matter. I contacted her about 2 years ago now and I spoke with her a couple of times. She was adamant that she wanted nothing to do with my brother and honestly, I could kinda understand. I don't know the whole story behind why they broke up (you know there's always 3 sides - her's, his, and the TRUTH) but when I told her that I wouldn't tell him about her whereabouts or anything like that, I meant it. Still to this day, I have never told him about anything she told me about where she lives, her phone number or anything. And I don't plan to.

@ Leisa - why has it taken 5 years? Well honestly we had no way of knowing where she was. She moved out of state and was never heard from again. That's the power of the Internet, though. You can find just about anybody - even those who don't want to be found. And if not they themselves, you'll find their family members which is what I did when I went searching for her a couple of years back. At first she seemed reluctant, but I thought maybe she would at least send me a few pictures of the child. She told me his birthday and that he looked a lot like my brother. She also told me that he knew nothing of my brother and thought that the current man she was with, with whom she had just had a baby, is who my nephew thought was his father. All I could do was shake my head. How confusing is that going to be for him when he gets older and sees that he and his brother don't resemble each other... that he doesn't resemble his "father" or even his mother? - Not that it matters, but to give a clearer picture, his mother is Caucasian, and of course, we're Black. I believe her then boyfriend or baby's daddy was black, but I can't be sure because I didn't ask and she didn't tell me. But genetics run DEEP in our family. Not one of his kids don't at least take up one of his traits... And she even said herself that the child looked like my brother.

Overall, the point I wanted to get across is that no matter what happened between the mother and father - that has nothing to do with that child. It should have no bearing on whether or not you allow your child's father and his family be a part of that child's life. I don't know who she's got talking in her ear (if anyone at all) telling her to steer clear of us, but I honestly believe that in the long run, she's only going to be hurting her child. THEIR CHILD! Thanks for all the replies and insight to my situation. It's much appreciated!

Leisa - posted on 01/26/2010

16

20

1

I agree with Stevie, why has it taken 5yrs? and why is the sister the making the contact for the father, if he was the one that got her pregnant then stand up be a man and ask for a photo but honestly I think after 5 years of NO contact then Id be asking why now!! My step daughters mother has not seen her, spoke to her and anything after 2.5yrs, if she suddenly came back into the picture then Id be asking questions! My step daughters grand father did that, no contact with her at all for about 3yrs then wanted her to stay with him for a whole weekend!! Ah dont think so buddy! Personly I wouldnt want contact but I would talk to my child and do supervised visits ONLY for a period of time and SLOWLY add more time, but I think that she has the right to say NOPE you walked out/away so go do what your good at!

Stevie - posted on 01/26/2010

110

38

7

Here's my take on the whole thing. I'm not sure if the breakup occured before or after birth but If the father never took action as in establishing paternity being listed on the BC then I don't see the point. If your son's father essentially just walked away then I would just keep documentation of that, his interactions or attempts to interact just in case he later decides to pursue a legal relationship. It is your child that you've raised alone for 5 years if the sister of the father is wanting to establish a relationship with the child it is up to you. Otherwise you can just say thanks but no thanks. I'm very protective of my son and frankly all of the time I wish that the his father wasn't involved. Because regardless of my feelings and how I choose to raise him when he goes to his father's on the weekends it the opposite. As your son gets older I would just be open and honest- not negative, about the relationship. Children learn really quick who is really there for them unconditionally.

Kasey - posted on 01/26/2010

27

4

2

In most cases I would hope that both parents would be present in a child's life. But, I have a situation with the families of my children. My two daughters have the same father, we have never lived very far from each other, and for the past two years have only lived about 5 minutes from each other. He has maybe seen our two daughters when it is convenient for him. He does not work, and therefore does not help buy things they need. My oldest daughter was born with a cleft lip, and has had several plastic surgeries on her mouth and nose, he was never there for any of them. He thinks that seeing them one day every three or four months is enough. My husband recently started a job that required traveling a lot, I called my daughters' father to see if he would take them for the weekend so I could get some studying done for my finals, but he said he didn't have the gas to come get them, but miraculously came up with the gas to be gone all weekend. When he calls, he is totally disrespectful of me and my rules, and also talks bad about me to my children. At one point, he went over two years without even calling to check on them, and every time I would get his number he would have it changed. I am to the point of not letting him see them at all because my children are getting more hurt than help from the current arrangements. They don't even want to go to his house because his wife is mean to them, calls them names and cusses at them, and they make my kids clean up messes made by their little girl. My son's father died in 2005, and he was a wonderful dad. But, his family wants nothing to do with my son, so I don't push him on them. I send my son's grandmother pictures and a letter every year, but never a reply. But, I say he has enough love from my family and my husband's family who have taken in all my kids like their own. I believe that the lack of contact with negative people and situations have made my children happier. We have enough family issues going on right now to deal with people who only want to fight and start trouble with the kids.

Kara - posted on 01/26/2010

14

11

3

I have a huge huge, comment about this. I too, am a single mom. My son is 3 now. I was wondering the same thing you are. BUT I did let him have contact and it blew up in my face. He kidnapped my son 3 months ago and now am fighting him in court trying to get my son back. He was never there and didn't seen my son for the first year of my son's life. So if you don't have a judges order in place. I would get one asap (depending on ur state) before any contact is made.

[deleted account]

I understand that you do not like this guy or his family, but he is the father of your child. I believe that he at least should get a picture, if not sometimes visiting with him... The only reason you should keep your child away from his father is if you think his safety will be at risk... Other than that, I do not feel you should keep him from his father. We keep my "step"daughter away from her biomom because she was not safe with being around her. She did drugs in front of her, did drugs and drank while she was pregnant, and frequently left her with people she barely knew for days... She is the only person in her family who is not allowed to see her, and that is court ordered too... I would first talk to your son's father and find out what he has been up to and make sure there are no good reasons why he shouldn't see him, and do the same for the rest of his family before you make your decision. Good luck

[deleted account]

hmmm. this is a tough one. I think that unless these people are going to act rediculous, say bad things, do illegal or immoral things around the child, maybe it is worth giving a try. I understand that the break up was bad....that being said, this child has a whole other side of family that loves him. In today's world, I think that we should try to afford our children every opportunity to love..and to be loved. As long as the extended family acts responcibly and takes your wishes into consideration, it may very well be benefitial to the child. think of how the kid may feel later in life. Perhaps there may be resentmnt toward the single parent for not giving them the opportunity to know more about their family. just something to think about. But after all, the parent who has raised the child thus far has the ability to know what is truely best for the child. what does your heart tell you?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms