Shouldn't fathers be in the delivery room?

Kristin - posted on 08/26/2009 ( 270 moms have responded )

28

13

5

My husband and I have been having this debate over whether or not he should be in the delivery room when him and i decide to have another baby (He was in basic training when I had our last baby). He said it would make him feel uncomfortable to see the baby all gross and he doesn't want to get punched in the face or hear me scream and see me in pain, pretty much refusing to be with me in the delivery room. That upset me. I told him he needed to suck it up and support me. It takes TWO to have a baby!

What do you think?

We're really wanting to have another baby here within the next year or two, but I'm almost refusing to have another until he agrees to be in there with me.

Thanks :)

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

i totally agree. my dh said the same thing, so we compromised. he agreed to stay in there as long as he can stand it and i told him he could leave when the pushing started. he didn't want to see the baby and me all gross. he's a squeamish wimp so i said ok. although when the time comes i think our SOs will own up and be there for us.

Katie - posted on 08/28/2009

23

30

0

how rude is he! does he not want to support you and see his new born child!

my partner was in the deliver room with me and watched my daughter be born and he said it was amazing!! he actually couldnt resist watching because he was intrigued! i cant believe that your husband doesnt want to share that with you! even if he didnt actually watch ... he could atleast be there at the top end supporting you!

i dont know what he is expecting but there isnt that much goo and stuff! i dont know what films he has been watching! it will be you who has the baby on your chest straight away and will be touching what little blood etc there is!



does he not want to cut the cord either?!?



im not being funny but i dont think id want a child with someone who wasnt going to support me through the best moment of your life! no offence to you!!

Malissa - posted on 08/27/2009

60

48

3

Of course he should be there with you! Yes it's a "dirty" job but come on. Besides once he sees his little one he's not going to care about how messy it looks. My husband said he wasn't going to look while I was pushing, just hold my hand. When the baby started crowning the doc said look and he did (despite saying he wouldn't) he loved it. And I loved having him there, couldn't have done it without him really. On top of that you said he was in basic the last time, I'm assuming for the military... what's he expecting to see if he goes into action? Can't be worse than childbirth. I say get him to read these responses, maybe it'll change his tune. Good luck, I hope he comes around.

Shannon - posted on 08/27/2009

90

13

1

Your husband should be there for you and the baby. It is a wonderful moment to see your baby enter the world together. Besides he helped make it he needs to be there to comfort and relax you, and he doesn't have to go through the pain of it all. Is he afraid of crying infront of you.



Honestly what I first thought was hes selfish, is he from 1950 thinking its the womens job to not only have the baby by herself but to be the only one taking care of the baby getting up with it, changing diapers? It takes 2 people to make a baby it should take 2 to raise it. just my thoughts hope it helps

Sierra - posted on 08/27/2009

22

14

1

I understand where you are coming from. But if he's not really not comfortable I wouldn't push it. He can still be a good dad and hold the baby later. My husband had the same fears and he wasn't in the room with me for both of my deliveries. It's really a compromise because you wouldn't want him to force you to do something that you're not comfortable with or badger you for it. Yes, it would have been nice if he was there but honestly as soon as the baby was born I wasn't even thinking about him. And he still had his bonding time with our boys.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

270 Comments

View replies by

Sarah - posted on 01/04/2012

47

17

2

I think its completely up to him (and you of course). But if he is nervous\uncomfortable\etc, what good is he going to do you?
My husband was there with our first and he got so overwhelmed that he passed out. It was hard for me because I was splitting my concentration between the task at hand and trying to see if he was ok. Plus there was only one nurse and one doctor in the room who were also busy with the task at hand, but at the same time trying to make sure my husband was ok. I'm kinda glad he didn't make it for the second, he was there, though, when the took my son to be weighed, tested, and all that. I felt good knowing he was able to follow our son around.

Shaz - posted on 01/04/2012

16

24

1

I think when it actually comes to it he will probably want to be there through it all because it will be his first chance to see one of his children being born, The feelings he will feel during the whole process will amase him. My hubby was in the army during our first pregnancy and he was always 'sorry hunnie i dont think i can be in the room when ur in labour' but when it came round to it he couldnt bring himself to leave. all the best for you both xx

Laura - posted on 01/02/2012

1

45

0

I would've loved for my ex-husband not to have been in the room. The sound of his voice made me want to scream and break things.

Crystal - posted on 09/09/2009

64

12

3

My husband said the same thing (we didn't even know if he would be able to because he is in the army and I went home to have the baby). He also said he wouldn't cut the umbilical cord, and didn't want to look when I was having the baby, and guess what he did all three. They talk a big talk before the baby is born, but when it comes down to it...they will be there for you and support you, just like they will be there for the baby. I think its scary for them...because of course they don't want to see you in pain. I didn't scream at all while I was in labor...and my husband was thankful for that. He did look when our son was coming out...he thought it was nasty...but he still looked haha. He also cut the umbilical cord and as soon as they pulled the baby up to go weigh him, my husband was with him every second there after and I was like chopped liver. Haha. Good Luck.

Hope - posted on 09/08/2009

104

20

11

i think he is over reacting just a bit. my husband hated seeing me in pain but if he wasnt in the room with me i dont know if i would of got through it. and i wasnt mean to my husband i didnt yell at him punch him or anything. i dont know about everyone else but not every woman acts like that it sounds like somebodies been telling him horror stories. but i would just tell him that it will be ok and there are such things as epidurals to take the pain away so he doesnt see you in pain. and the babys not going to be that nasty if anything he can just be your support and not look down in that area. but if he isnt in there i bet he will regret it because its a very special thing to experience between a mom and dad seeing there new baby..

Andrea - posted on 09/08/2009

33

9

1

Your husband should definitely be there!! It is a memory that you guys will share together forever!!

Kelly - posted on 09/03/2009

86

5

0

he should be there to support you. You did not make the kid alone so he should be there.

Liz - posted on 09/03/2009

269

3

36

I would be mad too. Hell, my man has a big problem with medical stuff that makes him pass out and will have to sit near my head in a chair the whole time, but he's still trying!!

Quyen - posted on 09/02/2009

11

51

0

totally agree with you. my husband was in the delivery room with me and i was happy for that. he was grossed out but still stuck by my side. he even helped with holding my leg while i pushed. so i think fathers should be in the room with you.

Laura - posted on 09/02/2009

5

23

0

to be honest i think its a beautiful thing to hav both parents in the room my partner ws wit me and it helped alot as im from ireland but live in america my mother flew over to be wit me but i had my partner for the whole 13 hours of labour and he said it was amazing to see his baby being born and he cut the cord aswell which ment alot to him it was his own decision though at the end of the day i wouldnt force him to do it as some people cant handle it but i would let your husband know taht its not as bad as he thinks and he doesnt have to watch it come out he can stay up by your head and just hold your hand for support.. and let him know that there wont be a nurse wit you at all times so its nice too have someone there. for the 13 hours i was in labour i only had to push for 3 so we had music playing and we were taking pictures and camcording and watching tv its nice to have support but like i say everyone is different and its hard for some dads manly cause they have the choice they feel they cant do it if it was the other way around though the woman would be there every step of the way it just shows we are the tougher breed!!!!

Kimberlee - posted on 09/02/2009

1

20

0

I feel that a husband should be in the room when you deliver. I know my husband was scared at the thought of him being in there with all the "stuff" that happens. it has to be scary for them also, because their world is about to change just like yours. Sometimes i think it is hard for us to know what they are going through at the time. For us it is easier because we have been carrying the little one for nine months. Just try to be patience. Easier said then done. I think when a husband is in the delivery room its a time for bonding not only for the man and child but for the husband and wife. What an awesome experience to see the birth of your children. I was a little scared how my husband would react when my first one was born. I knew everyting would be okay because he cried the first time he saw him.

User - posted on 09/02/2009

15

28

2

Well i honestly think it comes down to personal choice, i mean sure i want my husband there and im glad he is, but also really its your husbands loss if he isnt there and you cant make him. But it would be such a shame if he wasnt there to witness your child coming into the world, he doesnt need to look if he doesnt want to that way he see's no mess?

Jodi - posted on 09/02/2009

2

5

0

i agree he needs to be in there. i have three boys my first two were emergency csections that they had to put me to sleep and hubby could not go in but my last one i had the drugs and he could be in there and he said he felt alot less guilty that he did not get to support me for my last one.because he was there and could.

Bea - posted on 09/02/2009

1

43

0

my husband was with me through the labor and delivery process...he massaged my lower back when contraction are at its peak, he accompanied me going to the toiet, and brought me water when i felt thirsty.and i know if im not that half as big as him, he would surely carry me inside the delivery room.i believe they should be there with you for the love and support.and its fun doing the breathing-thing with him...trust me,he'll go wow! when he sees the baby...

Jessi - posted on 09/01/2009

9

22

0

My husband had second thoughts about being in the delivery room with me. When I went into labor with our first child prematurely there was no question! He was there for me and wouldn't have had it any other way. He has an extremely weak stomach when it comes to humans, (he works with animals, so they don't bother him at all) but it didn't gross him out, at all. Actually, he thought it was beautiful, and still talks about watching our daughters births. I hope your husband will reconsider and be there not only for you but for himself and your next baby. Good luck!

Brandi - posted on 09/01/2009

6

20

0

You go girl! My husband was with me and he thought it would be gross, but quite honestly when it came to the time he was very excited and emotional. He said that there was nothing on this earth that would come close to that experience and it was the best one of his life! You need the support, there is nothing like it! Convince him somehow!

Amber - posted on 09/01/2009

14

54

1

Oh girl! He totally needs to be in there with you! It does take 2 to have a baby! You'll need his love and support. Not only do you get to carry the baby for 40 weeks, but you get the pleasure of going through hours of labor, but then delievery... while yes very painful... it is the most beautiful (and gross... lol) thing he will ever witness!! He will get to see his child's first breath of life! How amazing is that and why would anyone want to miss that!? Good luck girl! Let keep us posted!

Jackie - posted on 09/01/2009

162

22

28

my husband was in the room with me for all 3 of our children. and he LOVED it, honestly i don't think that's something a daddy should miss. it's just a great (but digusting) experience. my husband was at work while i went through most of my contractions with my 1st, it was funny, as soon as he walked in the door, it was like my son knew and my contractions started being 3 minutes apart. he spent all day with me in the hospital when i was induced with my 2nd and 3rd. He was the only one that was most important to me being there. There wasn't even a discussion about it. He wanted to be there and it was awesome. There's nothing like seeing a daddy hold their newborn child right after they are born. I have pictures of him with every one of them. It was beautiful.

Christina - posted on 09/01/2009

1

14

0

I didn't even like my sperm donor. But he was such a big help... I needed him more then I thought... So yes he needs to go

Stephonie - posted on 09/01/2009

24

20

0

I agree with you, husbands are a huge support in the delievery room. Its not how he think it will be so he should just face his fears and support you as his wife. I think that if he's there he will have a different type of respect for you as to seeing what you have to go through.

Jeanean - posted on 09/01/2009

13

30

0

what I am going to say is my husband talk a good game about all that he did not want to see however considering all the lost we have had when it comes to babies my husband was there with me the whole time from beginning to end my own personal thoughts a father should be there it is a experience that i feel the two should have together and yes babies come out bloody but once the baby get cleaned it is a joyus moment also my husband says that the worst part is the afterbirth it made him sick to his stomach however he would not have missed it for the worldi wish you the best of luck

Ashley - posted on 09/01/2009

1

19

0

He definitely needs to be there. The support is needed and it's nice to feel like we aren't alone. We already have to go through all the pain, the least he can do is hold your hand. He will have a greater respect for what you do, delivering, if he actually sees it. Tell him to suck it up and stop acting like a scary baby! LOL.

Carina - posted on 09/01/2009

1

39

0

i think its a good idea to have them in the room, Cal helped me so much at keeping me calm.

Antoinette - posted on 09/01/2009

58

10

7

I didnt have anybody with my first child and i had my best friend with my second child. It does mean a lot to have support in there its not as scary as when alone. BUT im one thats big on compromising. What if you guys make an agreements, he stays in there with you and when he has a hard time he can step out for a moment. Allow him to stay facing you and he wont have to see the baby all "gross" (Most likely he will turn around anyways)

Hella - posted on 09/01/2009

34

19

1

As long as you have someone with you it doesn't have to be your husband. My partner was overseas when I had my daughter so my sister and best friend supported me. Though he feels he missed out on an important moment when he saw pics from the caesar he said he wasn't sure he would have coped. I think some women underestimate how hard it is for men to see the woman they love in so much pain.



If you need him there he should be there. But if you have someone else you trust, maybe you should consider his feelings.

Ana - posted on 09/01/2009

15

39

0

IT DE TAKES TWO TO MAKE A BABY. SO THE FATHER SHOULD BE IN THE ROOM..CMON U CANT HAVE A GREAT TIME MAKIN AND THINK YOUR GOIN TO BAIL WHEN ITS TIME FOR THE BABY TO ENTER THIS WORLD

Dani - posted on 09/01/2009

3

11

1

Tell your husband its nothing like he thinks it is. I think its a beautiful thing when a baby is born. My fiance was there with me when our son was born and he was in tears :) he watched the whole thing and wasnt grossed out at all. I wouldnt think your husband would want to miss the birth of your next child. And another thing, he needs to be a man and realize that he needs to be worried about what you will be going through during delivery instead of worrying about how he is going to feel during it.

Karisa - posted on 09/01/2009

6

20

1

I gave my boyfriend the option and he was a little unsure at first but i told him i would really like if he was there. Needless to say he stayed with me the whole time and was glad he did. He said it was a great experience and was glad he did.

Ashley - posted on 09/01/2009

8

6

3

I agree with you! My husband said the same thing

BUT when the big day came he was there cried more than I did, lost more sleep than I did, and was way more excited than I was. Which was totally hard to believe. Good Luck maybe he will come through...

Jennifer - posted on 09/01/2009

3

22

0

If u think he will not help and make rude remarks and make things worst you might want someone else there with you to help comfort you. But if he will comfort you and feed you ice chips then he should be in with you.

Jolene - posted on 09/01/2009

1

17

0

I agree with you. I have two children with my husband and he was there for both of our children being born. If he can be there to make the baby why wont he be there to see his baby be born. My husband stayed right next to my head the whole time while I was giving birth but he was still right there. Your husband will want to touch his baby even when the baby is all gross!

Kayla - posted on 09/01/2009

23

29

2

He should be in the room, my husband alsoo said it was the best day ever..He cut the cord and everything also

Amanda - posted on 09/01/2009

1

24

0

I feel like the father should be in the delivery room. So he can be there to support you physcaly and mentaly. I know that when i had my daughter and her father was in there it helped me focus on have her. it might hep you too. He said that it was one of the most important days of his life and he would doit agian if he had to he wouldn't miss it for the world

Jackie - posted on 09/01/2009

7

22

0

I had my husband with me and I was SO thankful for it. My thing was, if I have to push it out, you're going to have to watch, or at least be there for me. Plus, if you explain to him that it might be a good experience he might change his mind. It might seem like a terrifying thing to witness, but I think he'd look back and wish he would have.

[deleted account]

I agree with the other posts, it is very selfish of him to even consider not being in there. it was never even a question with both of my kids, there father was there for all of it. I had my mom and husband in there. and i dont think it matters if youre married or not, whether its your b/f or husband doesnt change the fact that its his child

Tina - posted on 09/01/2009

56

62

5

Suck it up buttercup. I agree 100% that your husband to be there and understand that the facts of life. My husband was with me every step if the way. Tho, I had a c-section..

I wish you all the best with debate.

[deleted account]

Tell him to suck it up! He should be there as it will his baby too. My husband was there with me and personally if I was a dad I would do anything to see the birth of my child.

Jamie - posted on 09/01/2009

2

24

0

My husband wasn't in the room with me for either of our girls births. Which were both completely natural, first at a birthing center, then at home. With the first I told him that he would be there(even though I knew he was uncomfortable with it) and that he didn't have to see anything, I just wanted him there at my side to give me comfort. I was also having my mom and sister there for the same purpose. But, when my water broke soon after arriving at the center, I looked up and saw a look of total horror on his face. It was then that I realized just how uncomfortable he was with the whole situation, and told him he could go in the other room. I knew that I couldnt worry about him and concentrate on the job I had to do at the same time. The instant the baby was out he was there meeting our little girl. Him not being in the room took nothing away from the experience for either of us. With the birth of our second we both agreed it would be best to do the same thing. And it was just as special!!! I know some people think its weired that the dad wouldn't want to be in there, but its not at all. And we simple tell people the trueth that I knew I couldnt do my job if I was worried about daddy falling to the floor in a faint!!! I would make sure that you both talk openly about what you want done and try to compromise with each other. Let him know how important it is to you, but also listen to his reasons for feeling the way he does. Hope that helps!!

Emma - posted on 09/01/2009

3

5

1

my partner was in the delivery room with both of boys when giving birth and i think that all fathers should be there, no matter what. my partner said it was the most amazing thing he had witnessed watching his kids come into this world

[deleted account]

I agree with you, He should be in there with you, no question about it! He will miss out on one of the most important moments ever, and he should cut the cord too!

Kadie - posted on 09/01/2009

6

16

0

I totally agree with you it takes 2 to make a baby my husband went in with me both times when we had our girls they can have the pleasure of making it they should be there when your in pain too wether they want to be or not it shouldn;t be a choice

Amanda - posted on 09/01/2009

6

16

1

My opinion is yes, of course he should be in the delivery room. My boyfriend (my sons father) was in the delivery room, he said it was the most disgusting thing he has ever seen but he was still there. If he is creeped out by the thought of seeing your baby come out then tell him not to look. If he sticks to his guns about not wanting to be in the room with you, don't push him as much as you want or need him in there he is uncomfortable, and maybe after awhile hell come around.

[deleted account]

My Husband had just left for a Deployment when our son was born; however, he made sure that he was here for the birth of our Daughter. He was also scheduled to be Deployed once more during her birth and he was thinking of getting out since he wasn't (his contract was up) he was so adament about his presence.



He rubbed my forehead, held my hand and even grabbed a foot to help me dig in and push while we awaited the Doctor to get there, helping the Nurse. He balled like a baby and motivated me, coached me and was just perfect. He cried harder than I did and honestly, I can't imagine having my baby without my Husband in the room IF he were there and available. I seriously became sick with post-partum with our son because he was NOT there. I know he couldn't be, being in the Navy and Deployed, but it still hurt and bothered me so much that it spun me into a deep depression.



Tell your Husband that you want him there and if he loves you and your baby (when/if/once you become pregnant) then there won't be a dicussion. It's not the movies where you're automatically going to be combative and he's being immature to think so.



I hope you get your way... you DESERVE it. :)

Sheena - posted on 09/01/2009

24

11

1

Wow, I think I would be feeling the same way (almost refusing until he got on board with support). I keep repeating the sentence "would make HIM uncomfortable" and the words selfish come to mind just a little. What about YOU? I personally believe that fathers have every right to be in the room with you and if not him then a really good friend that you trust and can be there with you. I had my fiance with me, just him, no family (im shy) or friends and he did so much work and stayed up all ngiht with me, providing counter-pressure on my back as I had back labour. His hands were so sore, he was so tired. I think he also feared a little what the process of delivery would be like but seriuosly, that goes out the window when they know its their own little baby coming into this world and they get to be a part of it:) My fiance cried when he was born and I have maybe seen him cry once in the 6 years ive been with him. I'm not sure what you can do to convince your man......I would suggest not to fight about it when discussing it. Tell him how you feel and how you would feel to be all alone in the room again without him.....convince him that it isnt like what they portray it on movies/tv shows etc. If he would attend hypnobirthing classes with you, that would REALLLLLY change his mind/beliefs about what the experience for him will be like (because it would be his experience too and he needs validated on what that might feel like). I took hypnobirthing classes and my fiance and I really enjoyed it...we got to bond in a totally new way....new learning.....relaxation techniques for preparing for labour. Hope any of this helped:)

Catherine - posted on 09/01/2009

26

30

3

He needs to be there. At first he may think he'll freak out but once he gets in there with everything going on he won't even notice. My husband didn't think he was going to be able to either til he got in there and experienced it. I think him being there shows alot of support and may help you out in the long run. It helped me knowing I wasn't alone and we did it together.

Becky - posted on 09/01/2009

1

12

0

Yes he should be in there. My husband wasn't exactly helpful durning any of my three deliveries but I still needed him there. It is a miracle that has to be witnessed in person. I even had them put up the mirror just so I could see at as well. To see your new baby come out and to look at you and to know that there is not another connection in this world than to instantly meet someone and love them more than anything in this world.

Cheryl- Chris - posted on 09/01/2009

134

22

10

I would ask that he be there........you can tell him that he doesn't have to leave your head, but that it would mean a lot for him to be there with you. And all the "gore and "disgusting stuff" he doesn't have to see the baby until he is cleaned up.

But I would also add that ask him gently and respectfully!!! :) Best wishes on what ever happens

Ashley - posted on 09/01/2009

101

31

10

I didnt have my sons father in the delivery room with me because i wanted my mom to be in there (first grandchild) maybe if i was married i would want my husband but its not the same as having your own mom there witnessing there grandchild being born it furthers your relationship with whomever you choose. If you are refusing to have another baby but you do want another good luck cuz some men just wont budge on certain things lol

Echo - posted on 09/01/2009

2

6

0

YES, I THINK THAT THE BABY FATHER SHOULD BE IN THE ROOM UNLESS YOU ARE NOT WITH THE BABY'S FATHER THEN THAT WOULD BE A DIFFERENT STORY, BUT OTHER WISE I THINK THE FATHER NEEDS TO BE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM WITH YOU,BECAUSE U DIDN'T MAKE THAT BABY ALONE....

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms