Step Children

Tiffany - posted on 02/02/2010 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Here's my dilemma I have 3 children of my own and my fiancee has 3 more from a previous. We have them every weekend even though he will work all weekend long am I being selfish if I don't want to have them. Not only that it seems he lets his 5 yr old get away with everything even hitting my daughter. I'll admit yes she does hit him but most of the time its in her defense but it really pisses me off. So this past weekend I yelled at his son am I wrong? I don't think I am because I am defending my child please give opinions. I would also like to know how everyone else deals with stepchildren.

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Laura - posted on 02/03/2010

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If you are going to make your relationship work you need to accept his kids as well.All the kids yours and his should be treated the same! you wouldn't want him treating your kids any differently and although his kids are there 2 days a week in which it is your responsibility to treat them as you do your own your kids are there 7 days a week for him to play dad too..... if he is willing to be a full time dad to your kids I don't think he deserves any less.If this is a new step in your relationship mabe you guys could consider changing the days that his kids are there so that he is not working on at least one of those days and sit down and discuss the rules and how they will be applied so that all the kids are treated and disaplined the same.Remember how hard this must be on the kids as well being in your home every week where they might not feel welcome yet as part of the "new" familly.

Brandi - posted on 02/02/2010

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I think your "dilemma" starts with "I have 3 children,. . . My fiance has 3 more" YOU have 6 kids if you really want to be with this man. I assume you knew he had 3 children BEFORE you decided to start a meaningful relationship with him. Many custody arrangements give the father children on the weekends, it isn't his fault that he has to work on the days he gets to see his kids. I agree with Jennifer. You and your fiance NEED to set rules that go for ALL 6 kids ALL the time. His children shouldn't be hitting yours nor yours should be hitting his. The SAME punishment should go for ALL kids. IF your fiance leaves you in charge while he is at work, then you need to treat all 6 kids the same. Would you yell at your kids for hitting, or just his? If you and your fiance and the children (all of them) would sit together and establish the HOUSE rules and FOLLOW THRU with them ALWAYS, I am certain that the kids would all learn to follow them all in time. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I was a stepchild and if my stepfather wouldn't have wanted me to be with his family and children I WOULD HAVE BEEN CRUSHED (and believe me, his kids know you don't want them there if that is really how you are feeling, kids are VERY perceptive). My stepfather treated me EXACTLY the same as his own child. It really sounds to me like you and your fiance need to get on the same page as far as discipline is concerned. But to say you don't want HIS kids there sounds really mean. The kids didn't ask to be from a broken home and certainly didn't pick you (their father did). Kid just get to live with whatever decisions their parents make. It is up to us as parents to do our best to make sure that our decisions don't negatively affect our kids.

Medic - posted on 02/02/2010

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Maybe you are looking at this situation wrong. I don't have step children but I am a step child. My step mom and I didn't get along at first because she felt like my dad spoiled me (which he did) and my dad felt like she was jealous of me. It took a while but they both decided on rules that went for all of us. We all had the same punishments and concequinces. She probably had to work harder than anyone but she never didn't do for me because I "wasn't hers". She got involved and and now I have a very good relationship with her and we get along great. As an adult I look back and see how much she really cared. She told her family that if they didn't treat all of us equal they would not be welcome around any of us, she never introduced me as her step daughter, she made sure I had the best parties and she managed my slumber parties and really did everything for me. I was only there on the weekends and a few days a week till I was 13. Once I moved in my brothers and I were all equal. So maybe talk with your husband and set some rules. And try to just enjoy being able to be a part of their lives, you may be the one to change them.

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Amie - posted on 02/04/2010

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i do not think you are wrong for telling them off they have to learn right from wrong,however i do think that if you meet someone with children then they become part of your responsibility aswell over time, as i have been with my partner for 4 years and we have a 1 year old together and he has a 5 year old from a previous relationship. i didnt consider her my responsability at first but now i treat her no different to my own daughter.I do feel that maybe he is being a bit unreasoable tho leaving you with them every weekend by yourself as they are his children more and he too should be spending time with them,it should be something you both agree on as i did with my partner he now works every other weekend and only for 5 hours in the mornings x

Jessica - posted on 02/03/2010

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OMG... I feel so much better to know that someone else goes through the same things that I do with my step children. No I dont think you are being selfish if you dont want them to come up when he is at work. Because I feel the same way sometimes. They are there to visit and spend time with their dad not you. And I know it feels wrong because you guys are engaged and you feel like you should be one big happy family... but with step kids it doesnt work that way... and Ive had to figure that out the hard way. I punish my step kids... but sometimes I dont know how far to take it, only because my fiance gives me mixed signals, and always changes his mind. My step children are disrepectful and my fiance NEVER punishes them. He feels like if he punishes them, they wont want to come up and see him. But I told him what if they got into serious trouble... what are you going to do... just say dont do it again like you always do, or just not say anything at all. One time my step daughter was in the backyard and lighting stuff on fire and blowing it out... my fiance didnt say one word! I was SOOO PISSED! Another time my 12 year old step son got in my face and was yelling at me... I wanted to slap him... my finace just told him not to do it again. But when our 2 year old that we have together talks back and tells us no... he has no problem tapping him in the mouth. You are just going to have to talk to him and tell him how you feel... it might and on going battle... but you need to stand up for you and your kids... and if hes not willing to change things then it will never change.

Heather - posted on 02/02/2010

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Hi , 1st thing you have to talk to your husband because the kids should follow the rules when they are at our house. 2nd don't feel bad for yelling at his son. If the kids are mis behaving and your watching them, then you have the right to keep peace and order in your house.

How long have you been married ? when I married my husband he had 2 kids 6 n 7. the 6 old listened well and the 7 yrs old not so much. He didn't like having a step mom. My husband worked 70 plus hours. I was left home with the boys. Every day at 1st seemed to be a struggle but as time went on things got better.

I would talk with your husband about rule and what to do if the kids are not listening. Maybe for sometime the kids could go with a relative of his while he is working. It will take time but hang in there. I have four boys and my older boys are good kids who are great brothers to the lil ones

Helen - posted on 02/02/2010

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I have 2 step-sons and although i am close with them, i can understand the want or maybe wanting a break. you have three children of your own and to have a total of 6 in your house all day for 2 days can be pretty crazy, especially if he isnt there to help you. So maybe sit down with your fiance and tell him that the weekend schedule isnt working and with him not there its very hard. Then maybe once you two have discussed it, him and his ex can talk about a change or something. Trying to explain that you would like to keep your sanity is not always easy, i know, but sometimes its the best thing to do. Good luck.

Beck - posted on 02/02/2010

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It is your choice if you look after the children, but dont hold the children accountable for their circumstances. It is tough on you, but tougher on those children. You also knew your partner has children before being engaged so with his hand you accepted his family too. If you are not happy about the way things are working, have a discussion to your partner and ask him if there is anything you can do to come to an agreement on it. If you are looking after the children while he is at work, and their Mother knows this, then it is your right to have rules in order to keep all children behaved and safe. And your partner should support you on this. Do remember though, he sees the previous children far less then those he lives with, so sometimes parents in this case are a little affraid of scaring them away and will make exceptions based on this. Try not to yell in any case, your children or prevoius, take a breather and calmly talk to the one in the wrong and try to come up with a suitable solution or direction. Try not to resent the children involved but by all means do what is needed to keep control in your house :D

Amanda - posted on 02/02/2010

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No, you are not wrong. Kids have to learn not to hit others. You are defending your child but you're also enforcing a rule that I think most parents have, not hitting. I agree with Amber, if he isn't going to be there to help take care of them then maybe they should only come one weekend per month or he should find a way to be off work, if he can, to spend time with his kids since that's the point of him getting them on the weekends. I do have a stepson, who is 8, but we only get him in the summer and for Christmas since he lives a couple of states away from us. We did have a little problem with my son trying to hit or bite my stepson, but after punishing him for it, they seem to get along much better when my stepson comes.

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They aren't your responsibility they are his, and if he isnt going to take care of them maybe you should compromise to a one weekend a month....and i would explain to the kids the rules and if they dont follow it is your house and they ge the punishment... any child that walks in my house i tell the parents the rules and if they break them they get time out or i say byyeee byyee i have enough with my kids much less anyone elses..

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