Step Mother vs. Step Daughter

Jessica - posted on 12/01/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I need advice....

Me and My boyfriend got together almost 4 years ago when his daughter was 2 years old and we've lived together since then (but then we were living with his mother) Recently we've moved into our own place and it's just the 3 of us now. His daughters biological mother comes to get her every other weekend on Saturday and is ready to return her Sunday by 9:00 a.m so basically I don't get a break from her, and her mother never calls and pretty much isn't involved in her life (For Ex: She didn't even call her over the Thanksgiving Break, or didn't even want to see her). Her father works 8 hours a day 5 days a week. So I'm left to deal with his daughter for the better portion of the day (he doesn't normally get home till about 6 o'clock in the afternoon 2 hours before her bedtime) I wake her up in the mornings, I fix her breakfast, I fix her lunch, I get her ready for school, I'm here when she gets home from school, I help her with homework, I cook supper, I go to doctors visits, I go to school functions (her teacher knows me and NOT her real mother) etc. But I get disrespected all the time by a 6 year old and to me it seems like I'm the only one that is trying to discipline her. And its making me feel like the bad guy! No matter what I say she doesn't listen. When she wants something she'll go and ask Daddy because she know that I will say No, and normally she gets her way with her dad. And i think that is mainly because her father doesn't acknowledge her behavior like he should. When i tell him the things she does it's a 2 minute discussion when he gets home then he hugs and kisses her like what she did is okay, and it makes me feel like CRAP! I don't know what to do, its got to the point where I'm ready to give up on everything and say the heck with it because I'm not bound to this relationship and I personally don't think I should be run over and treated the way I do by a 6 year old. I need advice can anyone help?

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Andrea - posted on 12/02/2011

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I only read the first half of your post and saw that you used words like stuck with her and have to deal with her and no matter how long you have been in her life it is not your job to discipline her it is her Fathers. and I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but even family court will tell you that, and btw when I got to the end and read "I'm not bound to this relationship" my first thought was you should leave now because you cannot try to be someones mother when you don't feel like you neither want to be there or should be there

Kristy - posted on 12/01/2011

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You need to talk to your partner about how you are both going to parent your step daughter. You both need to be on the same page and discipline her the same way for this to be a success. Good luck.

September - posted on 12/01/2011

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I agree with Kristy, you and your boyfriend really need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline. Otherwise you're going to continue to send her mixed messages. Most importantly I think that you should be super proud of yourself for stepping up to the plate to be the Mother figure to this precious little girl. Try not to let her behavior stress you out and put your energy into getting on the same page with your partner as far as discipline goes, maybe even invest in a good book about step-parenting. I grew up with a step Mom that was and continues to be an amazing role model and Mother. I was not always easy to care for but I'm so thankful she stuck around. I've learned a lot from her and I totally respect her and am super thankful she is a part of my life. Good luck!

Nikki - posted on 12/03/2011

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I really think you need to work on your relationship with her, you don't sound as if you like her very much which is possibly a large part of the problem. If your feeling this way about her how do you think she feels about you? probably not very good, so her reaction seems quite normal to me. I would decide if you want to work on the relationship or leave. If you want to work on the relationship she needs respect and love, you need to grow a close bond, listening and discipline will follow. You are the most stable person in her life, you do have a responsibility to her, so decide if you are up for it or not.

[deleted account]

Ditto Kristy. Any child will 'play' their parents against each other if the parents are not united. The two of you need to get united in this. Talk to him and make a plan together.

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Bree - posted on 04/02/2012

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For one thing, welcome to motherhood. Being a mother is a thankless job, you will work your tail off, and sacrifice, and cry, and that's what we do for our children. I understand that she's not your child biologically, however you must've known the situation when you moved in with the child's father and his parents. The fact that you say you are not bound to this relationship is pretty sad. If that's the way you see it, you should get out.That little girl is going to have issues. Not trying to be harsh, that's just the truth. You do need to speak with her father, and he does need to back you up. You have to be on the same side and consistent. Doesn't sound like she's had much consistency in her life thus far.

Sofia - posted on 03/29/2012

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Dear Jessica,

I hear 2 things comming from you.

#1I hear that you are correct in feeling disrespected by your 6 yr old SD and underminded by your husband. Like everyone else said, kids often play their parents against each other to get what they want. Your SD has learned this works to her advantage so she is playing it to the hilt! It is up to you and your husband to be on the same page.



#2 I also hear that your level of committment to your relationship and your stepdaughter isnt very strong. I understand that you are caring for her all or most of the day and that can be taxing. I have 2 stepdaughter ages 6 & 5 who do not see their mother at all and guess who does most of the child rearing? It's a job of love and if you are not willing to do it whole heartedly and unconditionally it will NOT work. Children do not appreaciate at this age the sacrifies parents do for them. But if you do a good job, hopefully one day they will.

YOU have to change your mindset Jessica, and decide whether you are really in this or not.

Amanda - posted on 03/29/2012

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Michelle,



My advice to you is something my mother done when i was a teenager. Take her cell phone, she doesn't need one at 13, and don't cave about it. Don't give it back to her until she can be respectful and contribute something to have a cell phone. As for the clothing she is wearing that you are considering "slutty" take them and burn them or cut them up where she can't wear them. Hopefully she will get the message when those are gone and you buy her appropriate clothing for her to wear and that's it. It sounds to me as she is going through the normal hormonal teenage emotions and using her father to get what she wants. He need's to be firm with the rules with you and not go behind your back and allow her to do what she wants. Anytime she acts up and won't listen just start taking things from her. Take her cell phone, lap top, internet, name brand clothing ( walmart clothes wont hurt her) and her bedroom door. My mother did all these things and I am perfectly fine. She wont like it but guess what at 13 its not about what she wants YOU guys are the parent's and make the rules not HER! eventually she will get the point, once she is respectful and follows rules she can slowly have things back, trust me it will make her mad but she will get over it, its not the end of the world!

Michelle - posted on 03/27/2012

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Dear Jessica,



I FEEL YOUR PAIN!



My husband and I have known each other for over 20 years. At one time we were both married to other people. He has two children a son and daughter (now 17 & 13). My husband and I have an 11 yo daughter together. We have been married for 6 years ... Yes there is a lot to explain about me and my husband crazy relationship but I dont want to get off point.

His 17 yo son lives with his mother out of state. his 13 yo daughter Kar lives with us and our 11 yo daughter Belle. The two girls seem to get along very well, other than the usual older sister treating the little one like a slave :go get me this go get me that" the problem I have lies with Kar and myself. She will blatently ignore anything I saw unless its yes. She will go to her Dad and get her way. She has rules that she does not follow. Both of the girls are to have homework completed, be showered and ready for bed by 11pm. Kar will sit up until 1am on the computer or cell phone. So I put a block on the cell phone only allowing our family numbers to be called or call her. Then she got her mother to call her every night at 11:30 - so I blocked her mom after 11:30 too. I now have to unplug the wireless router at 11:30 to make sure she is off the computer. I ask my husband all the time to talk to her, but he never does. he feels since she went through a divorce in her life that she has had a hard life .... REALLY???? I know children who have hard lives! This kid has always lived in a beautiful home with EVERYTHING, TV phone, lap top, great social life, best brand name clothes ... I on the other hand was beaten and raped my step father for years as a child. He shattered my leg, I have hearing problem from being punched in the head so many time. I spent DAYS locked in a closet with no food or water. I had a rough childhood and yet I do not dwell on it. I believe there are children out there far more worse off than I even I was. And this kid has the nerve to scream from her room upstairs to my husband downstairs for him to come up and talk to her (usually a Dad can I have ... ) or do my laundry .... and it really irrates me and causes fights between my husband and I. I love him. With all of my heart I have since I was 17 yo ... but I dont see our marriage lasting is he continues to refuse to teach this child respect for adults, and to appreciate what an amazing life she does have. Not to mention at her ripe old age of 13 she is playing "the boner game" where girls shake thier butts in boys dfaces and laps to give them "hard ons" - I know she has drank alcohol, I found empties in her room. She wears clothes that even I at 21 with an amazing size 0 perfectly fit body ( not anymore but lol ) not even i would put on something that slutty and I was pretty wild .... her boobs hanging out her butt cheeks hanging out ... and he still does nothing. He lets her stay home from school becuase she has cramps ... WHAT??? Get used to it! its life. I try to tell her and him that acting that way isnt preparing her for the real world. Bosses dont want to hear that excuse and if you dont get your way screaming at them and calling them names like she does me will only get her fired. One day I had a doc appt which ran a few minutes late. Kar had to stay after school due to time missed from a class and she had to make up work. She called me screaming at me to drive faster she was tired of waiting around for me to pick her up and if i didnt get there in 2 seconds flat she was going to call her father and her mother ( her mother who btw didnt even want Kar at her 2nd wedding, never makes time to see her, buys her nothing, does nothing with her on the rare occasions she deos see her, pays no support to us (I pay insurance for both his kids and we pay 200.00 a week to her for child support of the son becuase she refuses to get a job and work) this a mother, who can't figure out how to be a mom... I got a MOM tattoo on my ankle with all three of the kids names on it, after I got mine she decided to get one too, but sure MOTHER) and the school and tell them I abandoned her and neglect her. I could not drive any faster than the car on front of me as my jet was in the shop that day. She did not want to hear any excuses. my thought, who the HELL is she at 13 to talk to me at 37 like I am the child and she is the parent? My husband told me he would have her aplogize. I am still waiting a week later. ....

When my husband and I took Kar into our home becuase she no longer wanted to live w her mean mom who made her go to bed at 9:30 no phone no tv no computer ... we discussed how my Belle has been raised and No I dont expect Kar to be like Belle, they are different kids with differnet mothers and were rasied VERY differently. From the moment belle could mumble, I taught and demanded respect. I never hit any of my kids, knowing what I went through as a kid, it is very difficult for me to do that. Belle has learned to live the way I have taught her, respectful, education is extremely important and never depend on a man! be independant! So far so good with her .... I have tried to instill those values into Kar as well but I have had no luck. W belle it was easier since I had the opportunity since birth. Kar has lived with us for just over 2 years now. Kar wants nothing to do with any of that. she wants what she wants when she wants or she will scream and cry and throw a fit until her father gives in and let her do whatever, including going over to a boys house with no parents home for a house party and this was just a few weeks before she turned 13. It breaks my heart becuase I know what scum is out there and if she keeps up the way she is, I am afraid of her getting raped, beaten, pregnant or killed. No matter how much I love or care, it means nothing unless she is getting her way. I share my feeling with my husband all the time and it tuens into a fight and he says I just hate Kar and she isnt perfect like Belle. HUH? Belle is his daughter too ... same dad ... hello! even at that, i dont hate kar, if i did I would say go back to your mothers or I wouldnt say anything at all or be concerned for her well being. She treats me like crap too, she tells her dad all the time she wishes HER parents were still together and refuses to acknowledge that Belle is his daughter too. Its always MY dad not OUR Dad ... Belle has a very hard time being close to her father now becuase of this as well. I have honestly tried everything and I have come to the conclusion that if the biological parent of the house will not step up and put an end to it, you either live with it until they move out, or its time to rethink your marriage/relationship ... That is the point that I am at now. I do not know how much more of being treated this way I can take. It sucks, its hard, but int he end you have to do what is best for you, and any other children that are involved. I am sorry for all you are going through, but as you can see, I truly feel the same as you .... I wish you nothing but the best and I hope things work out for you ....

Julie - posted on 12/03/2011

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You knew you would be 'mommy' to this child before you two got together, right?
This is his child ... OUR OF EAR SHOT you two need to sit down and have along talk about who is going to do what ... and be firm that on weekend you expect to get her back at 6 PM not 9 AM
OR
Make up your mind that you are going to take this child into your heart as yours and mommy will be the visiting auntie (mentally) instead.
Have her in bed at 7 so you can have time with your spouse. (AS I write that I realize there is NO commitment by Daddy to either of you really, right?) Maybe you two need to back up and start over - move out and let him date and court you and you won't feel like his child's caretaker - which, I have a sneaky suspicion that is why he wants you in his life!

Rachel - posted on 12/02/2011

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Im going through the same thing make sure ur opinion is voiced and set a parenting plan with your partner...You guys need to be on the same page...my bf wont even talk with me about it he actually eggs on the disrespect and laughs about it which makes me feel even worse

Amanda - posted on 12/01/2011

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I agree with Kristy. This child needs to have set rules that both adults agree on and follow. I have 2 step daughters and I know where you are comming from. I havre to give you Kudo's for being there and taking on the mom role when her own mother isnt!

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