Thinking about adoption? I have 2 step kids full time.??

Natalie - posted on 03/15/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

31

30

1

I am having a hard time conceiving and i have been thinking adopting a infant!! I definitely would want it closed adoption. I just dont know if this will take the urge of me wanting my own children or would be the same as having my two step children who i love very much and think of as my own. But i have boundaries there B.M has the final say so in how they are raised. Even though shes not around them she lives in another state, but as a women we know we have limits. Am i going to feel the same if i adopt? I want nothing more to create a child with my hubby but that doesent look like it will happen. Just want some advise.. Anyone have this problem :( Im at the point were i dont like going into baby stores dread baby showers and i feel like everywhere i turn around i got put that fake smile on and congratulate everyone around me having babies!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

J M - posted on 01/13/2013

122

0

15

Stifler's Mum - posted on 04/16/2012

Correct agree, been a parent is full time. Not just a pop in and say hello event now and then to remind the child they will never going back to their bio parents is NOT always beneficial to have Open adoptions, alot Open adoptions work and alot dont, "just like the first reasons why a baby was given up in the first place, "simply was not going to work out with their bio parent/s thus they had to let go.... if they can't fine then they to need to think if it could cause negative effects, then find ways bio s can keep what they brought in this world.

But Heck children are not to be in the middle of pass the parcel... you cannot just give them away, then say ooh can I have them back all the time for a cuddle and play.

Once adopted, they have been emotionally and legally been bonded with a new family for say 1-2 yrs in .um.. "That's why people nowadays realizing that adoption gives more permeant life solutions for babies and children, and not to be pulled around by differences of Loyalties say in a lot of Foster systems where they bond with promise of a secure forever home, then may get ripped away again time and time again, um well how good is that? I have listened to that side as well.



One way or the other. Either adopt, or keep your own baby. And as extremely hard it is, once you have been counseled properly before giving up a baby, you have in fact given UP all your parental rights and handed them over to another, then get grieve counseling.

nothing can change that fact and those who give up their children need help to grieve, ( if they felt that way) of all the new expectations, that you wont be involved with major decision making, "as you made that decision to let go and adopt".

A lot also never wanted or where every pared for such responsibility will also be alot of complex and different reason, for why ALL babies in need/ Children need homes no matter what.

Some times people come on these things such as "Rin, to only annoy others.

Sarah - posted on 03/15/2010

2,692

14

1081

I am an adoption worker that meets with families wanting to adopt. I think many of the questions you are asking yourself most other adoptive moms ask. I think before you are able to move forward on the adoption path you have to grieve the path you are on now. You may not be closing that door, but moving onto something else does mean you are ending that chapter and moving onto the next. As far as loving the child that is a good one. Some people can't love a child that is not biologically theirs. But to me it sounds like you love your two step children very much. A child does not have to grow in your body for you to love him or her. Sometimes a child grows in your heart instead. I would encourage you to talk with other mothers that have adopted. This will also help in learning about the different kinds of adoptions and the different adoption agencies and which ones people liked and did not like. Another thing I would encourage you do to is explore the reason why you want a closed adoption. Not saying that you should change your decision, but I think sometimes people want closed due to fear. They are afraid that the birthparents will want the child back or fear they won't be the parent instead the birthparents will be. I find that once people get to know the birthparent they realize that their fear was just that and that the birthparent really just wants what is best for the child. Just like you grieve the path you are on now they grieve not having that child with them. Sometimes having a semi-open adoption helps both the child and the birthparent. In semi-open no identifying info. is shared, but often times pictures and letters are sent to the agency for the birth parents to help in their grieving process and pictures are shared to the adoptive family(through the agency) by the birthparents so as the child grows and has questions the adoptive family can help answer those questions.



Adoption is a wonderful thing and a wonderful way to create your family.....I have two sisters and a brother that are adopted. Good luck on your journey.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

13 Comments

View replies by

J M - posted on 01/13/2013

122

0

15

To the red Banner waving person that goes by the ID of 7 rn, her sign says Adoption sucks, um. DId you have a bad experience in your own life? we all wonder. Feel sorry for her.

On behalf of the whole world :) you have just got p the pity points, we are very sorry you feel this way, but do you care to explain, was this your own personal experience that has spewed out all over here?

Dear adoption sucks, we all see here YOU NEVER cared wither to CARED to ASK for this person to CLARIFY "why they preferred a closed adoption".


because.... who is denying genetics of any baby cannot see any hard evidence of any comments to support your own reply or backlash to a person" that as simply said they prefer a closed adoption".

Rather you have a problem fine, but you jumped in rant rant, and made judgments, without sharing your own experiences, this is not informed at all, .... you also DON"T share anything in any positive manner.

This not a debate about closed closed vs Open. No are Topics about adoption, for anti Banner waving adoption protesters.

7rn, do hope you have got your knickers out of a twist, and think a bit more before your posts.

And to think 7rn has said: one cannot read a child just because there where not in your own womb, is simply Rubbish LOL!

Its not just the 9 mths link in the womb..... its the life long Healthy positive bonds they make for the rest for their life's, and their every changes emotions, growth stages and so on, that enables you to be able to READ them as you say for th rest of thier lives, goodness, where does rin come from, the bush? maybe the person here by the name of rin with her BIG RED banner that says Adoption Sucks, had a bad start in her life thats made her bitter and anti- adoption, but thats not every ones case, nor is it the testimony to the thousand that work.



A baby/ child has it own fingers prints, and they are NOT the same as there own parents, so um.

Where a baby child is loved and accepted and nurtured the best, is where they will also thrive the best.

And in SOME cases where they end up, is far more important than , where they started from.

J M - posted on 01/13/2013

122

0

15

I know this is a old post, but hope things worked out the way you hoped.

We hade adopted understand all that, but we have no regrets, and first we are a family, "adoption is only a part the start of a different way to have a family, (and if you cannot feel you cannot love a baby/ child as you own, then you are "lest been honest", then simply don't adopt :)

As you also say have X2 foster children to consider....

Adoption is and is not about you, but in the end far more importantly one has to place SELF aside, one has to be more about a baby or child in need you are fulling, and not just your own needs of loss, because children wont cure the lose that you may not be able to have your own Children that not any reason to adopt and sure people don't expect that to happen.

But they give you a focus on something greater "other than yourself", you then will understand past the" stretch marks and morning sickness etc" their is live after having a baby as well....

If you have not really come to grips about not having your own, then don't adopt, if you are or have resigned to the fact adoption makes no difference and your heart just wants to give, then go for it.

Honestly when you get over the baby issue, then you will being to love the idea that wether will be a baby or a older child, as its your own commitment that counts to love the child as your own no matter what.

You will be fulfilling a child's needs, that has been in need themselves " for a baby / child to have and be a family, and to be able to been included and accepted you and them, as their own.

Wether babies or adopted as Children, all as much of a gift as any child born , and the " circumstances" that caused them to end up with you is all unique.

Its the act of giving thats most important.....

So did you eventually adopt? or find a way top conceive, either way your own choices are the most important the ones you make, no matter what others say.

Stifler's - posted on 04/16/2012

15,141

154

597

An adopted child is your child their biological parents have no say in how they're raised. They're not a foster child.

7rin - posted on 04/16/2012

18

0

1

If you want a closed adoption, please - do the child you may end up adopting a favour and DON'T ADOPT!



Seriously, if you're not prepared to accept that the child you adopt comes from other people and has other people's blood and genetics and all else that comes with such things, then DON'T ADOPT!



Also, adopting is NOT the same as having your own, nor should it be expected to be, since the little person you take on has already got their own personality traits and such like, and they're extremely unlikely to match up to your own - whereas with your own kids, you can read them better and such like because there's genetic reflection there.

Paula - posted on 08/25/2010

15

10

0

It is painful to watch the world moving forward and yours not. Adoption does make you let go of the child hood dream and moving toward another path. It is not all peaches and cream but it is a way to take control of your dreams. I know where you are. I gave up my hope of children and then a beautiful child was given to me by an angel. The adoption happens to be open. You hear nightmares about things that go wrong but I am here to tell you that our open adoption is the most beautiful thing. Our daughter 5 knows her birth mother and half siblings. They reach out but it is very different from what you are thinking if it is the right situation. Legally they are yours and unlike the step situation they can not intervene. The birth mother has become a family friend and I can not say more good things about her. I believe she deserves a place in heaven for what she has done for me and my husband. We only have the one child and she is such a blessing. I hope you have such blessings.

Natalie - posted on 03/21/2010

31

30

1

Thank you, i am realizing that more and more.. I think i was just being a little selfish in fear they may not to be with there real mom instead of me one day. I have a lot to think of i think things maybe easier if i had my own child first but its just not working out that way. I want nothing more to be a mommy. My step kids are great and i love them with all my heart and even though we have them full time my husband has no legal arrangements i know she can at anytime interfere and maybe that's what im also afraid of.

Carrissa - posted on 03/16/2010

80

20

12

just cuz its an open adoption doesnt mean the birth mother has a say on how the child is rasied i was raped when i was younger and my daughter was adopted by a very loving family and it was an open adoption just so i could recieve pictures about 1-2 times a year (but i get more cuz i have a good relationship w the fam) and so i could get updates w the pics to know shes doing well i live n the same state and had it set up that if they want visits they come visit me and that way they dont think im just going 2 drop inn they said they come by when she was about 8 or so and im ok w that u need 2 think about the fact that adoption is hard on birth mothers and pictures 2 know the baby is well makes it a tiny bit easier

Natalie - posted on 03/16/2010

31

30

1

Stevie~ I think i was thinking only of myself and not the BM. i know its a hard decision for a women to make, and they are thinking of there child when they put them up for adoption. I apologize for not thinking past that my own fear.I think women a person makes that decision to better there child's life they deserve much respect. Its not an easy thing to do.Its amazing that you have a great relationship with the family and you child, i think its important for the child to know were they come from. I was fighting that in my own head because i know i would want to know my roots if i was adopted.I do have a lot to think about!! Thank you for you response.

Natalie - posted on 03/16/2010

31

30

1

Sara~ Thank you very much for your post. I do have a lot to think about. I know i can love a child that i adopt, because i do love my step children very much sometime i have to remind myself they are my step children!! I think yes fear is my reason for wanting a closed adoption, because with my step kids i always feel like i have someone else to answer to or someone looking over me even though i have them full time.Maybe im afraid it will make me feel less of the childs mom. My uncle was adopted and its a open adoption and his BM comes around went to his graduations and is part of his life as well as his sisters my grandma wanted him to know were he came from. All my life i was ok with this i eve liked the lady until she made a comment to my grandma one day. after he got married. She said WE raised a good man!! No my grandma raised a good man, i was like how can she take my grandmas hard work from her. My grandma is a very strong women she just smiled but i can tell she was bothered. Ya the B>M mom was invited to birthdays and things but she didn't have to raise him and yet she wants the credit. I don't know it kind of angered me. Because raising a child takes a lot of work and patience. Its a blessing. It just kinda of bothered me. Maybe it shouldn't. But i do think i can live with the idea of contact through the agency because people do give up there children so they can have a better life. Im just afraid ill get my baby home and then they change there mind or something. I have not done much research i just looked at the seirra vista faster/adopt program on line filled out info and havent heard from them and its been over a month. Thank you so much for your post.

Stevie - posted on 03/15/2010

1,210

42

247

i think it depends on the type of person you are really on if it will make you feel more whole i personally dont really agree with closed adoptions my daughter got adopted after i had her its an open adoption and i have really no say i love that she knows who i am and that i get to see her still and all of that so weather its closed or open the bm still does not legally have that desision like you do atleast not after the finilation is done i dont regret that she was adopted i love her and i love her family but closed adoption just idk i have issues with that and with an open adoption you can chose how you want to do it like how many pics you want to send or how you want to keep up with them and all that so i guess you can make it partaly closed or whatever but anyways im just not sure if its going to help you feel more whole have you thought about other options with fertility drs idk what all you have done with them or about that but it would atleast give you that chance and i strongly believe that god gives you a child either via adoption or pregnancy because its ment to be id try a little more on trying for your own and then pray about an adoption as well

Danielle - posted on 03/15/2010

66

44

8

I really dont know how you feel because I didnt have a problem having my children. Im sure its not a good feeling. But with adopting my friend adopted and she loves that baby just like hes her own. And he is hers. Just because you couldnt carry a baby and you adopt doesnt make that baby any less of yours. That baby will love you just like if you had conceived him/her. I say go with the adoption. There are soo many children out there that need a great mommy and daddy! Good Luck!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms