Time Baby Spends With Grandma...annoyed and need advice

Meghan - posted on 04/09/2010

Well first off she has her whole life to see her grandparents. U and hubby should visit a few times a month after naps or whatever works for u 2. i have 2 kids and they dont go anywhere until food naps baths and chores are done. the grandparents will respect the fact ur doing the best for ur cild. do what u need to do not what is expected by them or ur husband. U r the mom noone else!

Venus - posted on 04/09/2010

they are grandparents, and they don't get it... You would think they would but I have had to tell my inlaws about the juice and yoohoo they give my son... Results: He barely stays with them, if you can't follow my routine then you can't take care of my son! lol I give him motts tots and real chocolate milk, not sugar water flavored like chocolate milk, or juice thats too concentrated for him... Plus I read the labels on everything I give my son.... Picky yes I know, but sometimes you have to do it....

Rachael - posted on 04/09/2010

my parents don't keep my son's schedule either. so i stopped leaving him there unless it is absolutely necesary. i think u need to have a discussion with your husband and explain to him that if his parents don't follow the schedule, or at least try, then you should not be leaving him there anymore because you are the one who has to deal with the consequencesd. if that fails, then leav him with the baby, even if he has to get up for work the next day, and let him see what it's like. he might change his mind about his parents

Amanda - posted on 04/09/2010

Thank you for all of your replies..Just a few things.
* My husband has no problem with routine. Hes been trying to help me get her on one since she was born
* I think my biggest issue with my mother in law is that she thinks my daughter is her kid and shes not.
* She is not inexperienced with grandkids. My husband is the youngest of 7 and the uncle to around 25 or so. And great uncle to 2.
* And even the routine probably doesn't get to me as much as the whole Mother in Law not feeding my daughter what I send her she buys her own things so then I go over there and immediately think hey she didn't eat at all today no wonder shes cranky.
* Yes I've written the schedule down...she ignores it.

Just to mass answer everyones posts LOL if you have any other suggestions from here that would be great :)

Melissa - posted on 04/09/2010

I don't think that telling her off is the right way to go. I understand your frustration. My daughters darling father doesn't understand the routine thing either. He is getting better but it has been a struggle. His mother is a bit the same as your in laws. The way that I dealt with her was to explain what happens to my daughter if the routine isn't followed and the effect that it has on my partner (eg. she kept us up all night and then he had to go to work because she had a late sleep). If you accuse them of doing the wrong thing then they are going to get defensive. Let me know if this has helped. Let me know if you need to talk some more.

Becca - posted on 04/09/2010

I agree with the other Moms that you are going to have to get on the same page with your husband and then talk it out with your Mother in law. If your husband isn't comfortable with you refusing to let her see her grandparents then maybe you could compromise and insist that you be present for visits or that visits are kept short so they fit into her schedule without messing it up (say only an hour long at a time of day when she isn't likely to need to eat or supposed to be sleeping).

Francesca - posted on 04/09/2010

Try to remember they are not doing this because they don't respect you. They do this because they love your little one. My MIL respects my wishes, its my family that doesn't. And I get it. I just find that most people are a little too hard on their in-laws.



Their job of raising babies is over. Its their turn to spoil. Its not that they disrespect you. Thats how they bond. They don't get all the time and cuddles that the parents do.



Look at it this way, your daughter has that in her life. Do you ever remember your grandparents sneaking you chocolate? My Dh always tries to impose stricter rules on his parents and I always try to remind him that it was his own grandma that disregarded them too. She snuck him cheezies and orange pop. She still stocks it at her condo for him. Thats how they bonded.



Of course, if this upsets you, you have to do something about it. But try to see the good in it. Yes, a schedule is very important for a baby. Let them know how important it is too you. But it is not worth creating a void in their relationship with your baby. The world is such a scary place with even scarier people. Children need all the loving family they can get. Try to set limits. Let them know you expect certain things done and let them know where they can deviate.



With my own dad, he loves to feed my baby junk. So this is the rules I had to set. No nuts. No honey. And only cookies if he must. And she has to have all her veggies at dinner. It got him to stop feeding her fried junk, and god knows what else.



Remember, try to see the good in it. I mean, they must be good people for you to have fallen for their son, who they raised.



Good luck. And try to stay sane and happy. Because a happy mommy makes a happy baby. :) And do whatever it is that makes you happy.

Vicki - posted on 04/08/2010

Well I can say this much . . .Good for you wanting and trying to keep a schedule. I can't imagine it being easy with a "know it all" mother in law. I have a friend that went through this same situation. You and your husband need to talk to her about it, or talk nicely to her about it and tell her your concerns. Tell her about the late naps and DH needing to get up early. Chances are that she doesn't realize what her non-scheduling does to your little one and both of you. Be caring and loving about it, but lay it all out there. You gotta be firm when it comes to stuff like this.

Danielle - posted on 04/08/2010

i had the same problem with my mother. my in laws do everything i ask (i have a strict no chocolate rule and bedtime is strictly 8pm) and my inlaws respect that. my mother on the other hand does not and stuffs my 17 mth old with sweets to the point he has night terrors and other behaviour problems. She also allowed him to stay up til 2 - 3am in the morning!



I had to warn her to stop and do as i ask or she is no longer allowed to have her grandson overnight without my supervision. unfortunately she didnt take me seriously so i kept to my threat and refused to let my children stay with her until she realised that she needed to respect my decissions as a mother and continue my schedule. Thankfully it didnt take long for her to realise i was serious and that when it came to my children its my way or else she misses out. This was hard for me as she is my mother and if you decide to follow y footsteps and do the same with your inlaws it will be hard for your husband but you need him to understand and inforce your point of view to his parents and make him support you in any decissions there is nothing more annoying and hurtful than people in your own family who hold so little disregard for you as a parent and continuly undermine you with your children. Put your foot down now or your children will grow up with little or no respect for you as they will work out very quickly that they can get what they want when they want from your inlaws and believe me they will work that to their advantage and you wont have any control. good luck with it and hope everything works out for the best :-)

Pollyanna - posted on 04/08/2010

I agree with everything said. First of all, have her schedule written down, Then explain to her the importance of keeping her in that schedule or her whole next day is all messed up and daddy needs to be well rested to go to work. And you husband has to understand that when they mess up with her schedule, you are the one left to pick the pieces next day and it's NO fun to deal with a cranky baby.

Mara - posted on 04/08/2010

First and for most you and your husband need to be on the same page with things. He needs to understand the importance of the schedule. I think it is best for your relationship with your mother-in-law, that your husband approach her about it. She has to respect your rules and choices.

Melissa - posted on 04/08/2010

Have you tried typing up what her schedule should be for the day and giving it to her. You could just say that her night time schedule has been really off so you made a schedule for her to see if it helps with her night time schedule. Or you could just play dumb and say you weren't sure if you ever gave her a set schedule for your daughter and that it's really important that she sticks to it. Then it lets your mother-in-law have a chance to change what she is doing. I use that technique often. Try to be as nice as possible but make sure she understands what you want at the same time. Good luck, it's always hard to confront an in-law.

Ayrjia - posted on 04/08/2010

This is the age old issue of MIL against DIL...She wants to do what she wants and doesn't give a damn what you say...

Put it to her this way: When you let the baby sleep late, she stays awake late and keeps Daddy up. He has to be up at 3 am to work. Please do not let her sleep late, thank you.

Maybe Parent In Laws will care when they know Daddy is affected when they are careless about the schedule...

Stand your ground...Good luck!

Lydia - posted on 04/08/2010

My sister says it best - if they cant keep a list (the whole schedule) then pick one or two priority things that will have the biggest effect on her return. Personally I would pick - no nap longer than 3 hours (or 1 hour after 2pm). That will at least give them some freedom to do different things with their granddaughter without burdening you with super late nights!

Kara - posted on 04/08/2010

I feel your pain hun - you and your husband need to come together and speak with your mom-in-law about the lack of a schedule (which is so crucial!) If your husband isn't strong enough to speak with her, then you will have to. It doesn't mean you're going to never let them see her, but a schedule MUST me kept, for everyone's sanity.



I'm a first time Mom too and I had to be firm with everyone about our wishes...even with simple things such as terminology. I want our son to know that his penis is his penis...not a ding dong or whatever. He's our son and we have certain guidelines, wishes, etc. You have to be strong. It's hard to please everyone, especially someone as close as a mom-in-law, but your the MOM and that comes first. Your hubby must understand that and if your mom-in-law can't understand that...then they can come see their granddaughter at your home...under your terms.



Best of luck!!!