to marry or not... i need some SERIOUS opinions on this one...

Katie - posted on 01/24/2010 ( 21 moms have responded )

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well... let me just give you a little background on my situation and catch you ladies up real quick...

September 5th, 2008: i meet Brad. we set up a date for a week later and have the most amazing date of my life. i fell instantly. a week after that, i give in and spend the night with him and *whoops* made our son Memphis. Brad stood up and was a man, a daddy, and also the most supportive boyfriend, scratch that, PERSON in my life. soo, in a short amount of time, we had been through ALOT and stayed together, not because we felt like we had to but because we loved eachother.

NOW: we have stayed together through everything, moved in together, and made our own little unconventional little family. from day one everyone has told us "you have to get married, you have a baby together" but were successful in ignoring all the pushy people's worried suggestions. we wanted to do it when the time was right and we felt that we, as a couple, were ready for that step. everything else in our relationship was rushed, so we wanted to have atleast one aspect that was completely our decision and on our own terms.

lately we have been experiencing financial trouble and Brad chose to speak to a lawyer. THIS is where my problem lies... his lawyer half jokingly suggested we get hitched for the financial gain. Brad apparently took it to heart and came home to pose this suggestion to me. he said that he had been thinking about it anyway, and wanted to make our family official. the lawyer's mention of it was the final push to open up to me about it. not exactly the romantic proposal i had always dreamed of but definatly the man of my dreams. we dont have alot of cash but our idea is to run away to key west, marry on the beach just the two of us and come back and have a reception or small dinner. (btw.. this is EXACTLY the wedding i had always dreamed of, money or not). he wants to tell people about it now, but his initial reaction was that we'd marry alone and keep it a secret until he could afford a big fat wedding. (he's catholic and had been married before and thought that was the only way to do it). i don't like that he wanted to be secret about everything or that his lawyer is pretty much the one who asked me to marry him. we've had some fights about this lately and i'm just not sure if i were to say yes (which i really really want to!) if HE would be going through with it for the right reasons..... help.

ps. sorry for the lengthy problem. No one i can really talk to in my life about this. big big decision here. thank you for those of you who took the time to read through this and offer advice!

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Carolee - posted on 01/24/2010

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Here's the only thing that I would suggest. Make him re-propose. He needs to do it properly and show you that he WANTS to marry you because you're you. It doesn't need to be anything elaborate, just special. Then, answer the way your heart tells you to.

Rhiannon - posted on 01/24/2010

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First off, congratulations not only on your son, but on the man of your dreams!



I can understand the rushed feeling. I fell pregnant very quickly in our relationship (not the first night lol, but close to!) I told my now fiance that under no circumstances was he to propose to me while I was pregnant! I wanted, same as you, to be sure it was for the right reasons. He proposed three weeks after our second child, daughter Logan was born at the marina over looking the water. It was lovely, and I knew it was for the right reasons.



But maybe set out a few rules (hope this doesn't sound stupid). Tell him you will marry him, but HE needs to ask, not the lawyer. Maybe say that he isn't allowed to propose to you within X amount of time, so that he can come up with something nice to do. And in that time, you can both think about each others views on how to do it/keeping it a secret etc. We are like you and have very little money to do it with and now it looks like we are moving interstate. So alas, we will probably be engaged for a long time, but that is ok. We fell pregnant the first year we were together and have been both pregnant and had a baby every year since. (ok, we've only been together for just over 3 years). I am happy to wait and leave the last BIG thing we will do together for a while longer. May as well savour it for as long as I can!

Sarah - posted on 01/24/2010

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A marriage is a celebration of love and commitment. It shouldn't be hidden or secret. You deserve to have a wedding of your dreams. Also, it shouldn't be for financial gain either. That just happens to be a nice perk :-)

You have to be open and honest with your man. My marriage almost ended because we weren't communicating well with each other.

My story (in serious synopsis) started 8 years ago when we met and moved in together (it was fast I know). We got married after 6 years of living together and then we almost got divorced 6 months later. No matter the relationship, marriage enter into without complete honesty will always be tainted. That's what happened. We weren't 100% honest which each other and it was like a cloud that we had to weather and fix before it was right again.

Don't let that happen, tell him how you truly feel and what you want. Don't worry, he sounds like a good man who will support you and want you to be happiest.

Raeleen - posted on 01/24/2010

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i have always been the person to let you know how i feel no matter what you think so im going to be very honest with you and if i were you i would... make sure he knows how you feel a relationship will not last with out honesty tell him you love him and that you want to spend the rest of your life with him but you are afried that he wants to get married for the wrong reasons and after you have what will seem like the longest talk of your life and he asures you that he loves you and wants to marry you hands down with no questions asked, you run away and get married ... however i would not keep it for friends and family i would let them know what you are up to because other wise they will feel like you both did this behind their back and dont respect them to tell them that you finally got married then try to save up some money and through a "wedding" the next year on your ann. so that way it will be speacial and every one can have a chance to come see it and feel they got to be a part of some thing even if it is a nice small wedding. remember if you hide some thing for your family that is that big it will cause problems even to the point were they will not talk to you for a very long time!

good luck i hope every thing works out for you in what ever you choose to do!

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Sarah - posted on 11/04/2012

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Well, I say go for it. And, I say do it how you want it... But, I agree that he should propose like he means it and not like the lawyer said it would be the best thing...



Be aware that if you let people know about it, they will want to come. And, I think you should let them know about it!! You have to be prepared for the reality that there are people in your life who want to be there to support you, love you, and bless you as you start this journey with the man of your dreams. Tell them what you want about a small no frills wedding and see if there is some way you can still have that and they can still be involved... It will work itself out!! :D But, if you don't tell them in advance there will always be this pain of their not being included...

Sarah - posted on 11/04/2012

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Well, I say go for it. And, I say do it how you want it... But, I agree that he should propose like he means it and not like the lawyer said it would be the best thing...



Be aware that if you let people know about it, they will want to come. And, I think you should let people know about it!!! You have to be prepared for the reality that there are people in your life who want to be there to support you, love you, and bless you as you start this journey with the man of your dreams. Tell them what you want about a small no frills wedding and see if there is some way you can still have that and they can still be involved... It will work itself out!! :D

Amber - posted on 01/28/2010

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well, i think if you both love each other and you want to spend the rest of your life together, do it. ask him if the money wasnt an issue, would he want to anyway? do you feel like he really loves you? dont do it just because of money or your parents telling you to. thats rude of them to try to force you!!!!! you dont HAVE to get married just because you had a baby. rediculas. think about it to yourself, do you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? ask him how he feels about you. ask him if he truuely wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

Mikayla - posted on 01/26/2010

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Go with your heart! If he's the man of your dreams, is good to you and your son, and you're happy, go for it! And I like your wedding plan btw. Sounds amazing. I know how you feel about it being rushed and not what you always dreamed though. My boyfriend proposed to me on New Years Eve, in front of all my friends, which was kind of cool, but at the same time he had clearly not planned it out, as he did not having a ring, and it was almost asked a little to casually. But, hey, I love him, so it's okay.

Angela - posted on 01/26/2010

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If he has stayed with you this long I would assume that it is because he truly wants to be with you and your son. Most guys won't let anything push them to get married, and if the birth of your son didn't rush him I doubt that the finances have either. Not knowing either of you or all the ins and outs of your relationship all can say is trust his motivations. Trust in the past commitment that he has shown. Not many guys would man up the way that he has. And as far as the proposal goes, it stinks for sure. But my brother in law proposed to my sister in a parking garage. Sometimes we just have to look past those things and think of how truly romantic it is that he loves, he stayed with you, he loves your child and now he wants to take care of you all the best way he knows how.

Tabitha - posted on 01/25/2010

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If you really want to get married which you sound like you do then do it!! Just because the lawyer may have given him the final nudge doesnt mean he wasnt thinking it b/c if he wasnt then he wouldnt have asked/mentioned it. My now husband and I had our first child before we were married and everyone too rushed us to get married. We were engaged when I found out I was preggo and took the ring back to have money to buy baby gear and so forth. Well anyway we were married 3 days before my son turned 7 months but a preacher with just me, him, our son, and my mother and brother present. I NEVER wanted/dreamed of a big wedding so this was fine by me. We both wanted to get married but it had to be on our terms not because someone wanted us to or told us to. If you love each other then do it but do it for you two and your son not b/c the lawyer or the family or anyone else said you had to!

Jaimee - posted on 01/25/2010

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my opinion.... get married because you both want to, dont do it for financial gain!, and when you do get married do it the way you both want to not getting persuaded to do it the way friends and family want you to do it, and just make sure you talk to him about how you feel and that he does the same make sure you have alot of communication! and i mean a lot even if you think its too small to worry about. i say get married but make sure you've cleared up your concern about the lawyer first! good luck!

my story! i met my partner 6yrs ago in july. we moved in together a week later and were engaged 1yr later because his mum kept pushing him yet i can not understand to this day why she did it as i dont get along with her! we have an 18mth old son now and would have hnd sooner if i didnt have trouble conceiving, mick told me in november that he wanted to finally 'tie the knot' and have the wedding but he took me off gard at that time 2 of our friends and his sister had just gotten married and we were having communication and money troubles i presumed it was his way of fixing thing but i saw it irrisponable and it wouldnt make anything any better at all only make it worse, i ended up talking to him and telling him exactly how i felt as he said he felt i didnt want him, witch was not the case i wanted him more then ever and it made me feel warm to know he did want me! after our talk we agreed that we would sort our money issues out first and work on our communication skills! we havnt set a date for the wedding yet but we have decided to get married in novemeber next yr!
pls let me know how you go and the decision you decide to make!

Bridget - posted on 01/25/2010

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It's sounds like you should go for it!!! Not everything happens the way we want it to or expect it..If he hasn't crossed you in the past and everything is the way you say, then do it, you gotta believe that he really wants too.

Jamie - posted on 01/25/2010

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I say go for it. Your not doing it for the baby your doing it for you and thats what matters.

Jen - posted on 01/25/2010

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I had the same kind of pressure from family once I got pregnant with my daughter. His mom must have asked us at least 100 times when I was pregnant when we were going to get married. I kept telling her there was no way I was getting married while I was pregnant. Yes, I wanted to marry him (and we were engaged shortly after I got pregnant), but I'm not the type of girl who was interested in a shot gun wedding. I'm Catholic and wanted my big princess wedding. Well 2 years after we got pregnant and I had graduated with my BA, we got married. I got the wedding I had always dreamed of and our daughter walked down the aisle as one of our flower girls (our junior flower girl is what we called her) at 17 months of age.

My advice to you is to have the wedding you've dreamed of or compromise some to something that fits both of your dreams. Explain to him your reasoning for what you want and allow him to explain his reasoning for what he wants. If you think he's going too fast tell him you'd rather wait until such and such time until you got married. He'll probably understand. Believe me when I say that money problems don't go away when you get married lol. They'll be there forever. :) So just sit down and talk it out and I'm sure you guys can come up with a solution.

Jamie - posted on 01/25/2010

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I can understand how you felt rushed with getting pregnant and stuff bc I got pregnant the first time with me and my bf. We are still together and love eachother dearly and I think he is gonna propose son. Everyone keeps telling us we shoudl get married too but we are also waiting til we r ready. I think you should tell him that he should ask you to marry him in a romantic way so that neither one of you feel rushed. I would sit down and talk to him and make sure he really wants to marry you because he loves you and not because yal have a baby or because of financial trouble. If he convinces you that he is doing it for all the right reasons I would go ahead and get married. I mean yal love eachother y not make everything official.. I wouldnt make it secret though. I would never do that. My bfs sister did that and her paretns still talk to her but really dont have any respect for her husband nemore.. They are also very upset still but dont really show it bc there is not anything they can do about it

Carly - posted on 01/25/2010

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I'm thinking to marry/not marry my partner and all i can say is really be sure of your decision before you follow it through and Good Luck with whavever choice you make

Crystal - posted on 01/25/2010

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My best friend had a secret marriage for the same reasons her and her husband have now been married for 7yrs! However this is one of her biggest regrets of her life and her family still hasn’t forgiven them and holds a grudge on her husband. And to top it ppl found out before they wanted to tell everyone!!! This is a moment to cherish and celebrate my friend feels like she was stifled because she couldn’t rejoice in the engagement and being a newlywed! These are the moments!!
I kno I lot of married couples that fall onto hard times and because they are married can’t get any extra help any where! They say one of the number one reasons couples break up is financial issues. Think.. is that wut u guy’s want the start of ur new life, to be based on regardless if he is the man of ur dreams and this marriage was in the stars!! So if he wants to wait to tell ppl until u guys can afford the wedding just enjoy being engaged until that moment comes and if ur guy’s communication is good make him understand were ur coming from and he’s surly to re propose for the rite reasons and all the benefits (lol) will fall into place.
Congratz on ur new family unconventional or conventional it’s the abundance of luv tha brings to ppl together that matters. Love is one of the hardest things and it’s a constant struggle u both have to keep working @!!!

[deleted account]

I would take the plunge. But I would insist on a better proposal! Not a fancy one with a big rock but a more romantic one. Believe me, there is nothing better than being married to your best friend and the man of your dreams!

Katie - posted on 01/24/2010

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thank you soo much you guys! I didnt think anyone would make it thru that long story let alone post/offer help soo fast!! you guys are great!

Kimberly - posted on 01/24/2010

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I agree with just about everything that everyone has said thus far. Talk with him, make sure he understands your feelings, that you DO want to marry him, but that you are upset with the thought that he is only asking because of the lawyer's suggestion. Be honest and upfront...thats the best route with anything :)

Jenifer - posted on 01/24/2010

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If you really love him and he is the one you wanty to be with I would marry him. But I would not be willing to hide the relationship. You can always have a renewal of vows on an anniversary later on, and have a big ceremony then if that's waht he wants. I would only marry him though if you are ready. If you think you are ready and it feels right then go for it. If later on it doesn't work it's not like you are forced to stay with him forever. Just make sure this is what you both want. Because if he only marries you because he thinks he has to it could affect the relationship you two have with your son. Talk to him and make sure this is what both of you want right now and make sure that no matter where this relationship goes that your son is FIRST priority. That way if it ends badly your son will be ok and if it goes well, you covered all your bases first. I hope this helps.

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