Un-married mother

Eryn - posted on 08/02/2010

I am a happily married woman. We were married before we found out we were pregnant and I definitely consider myself blessed. Having said that, its very important for the both of us to know that we got married because we love each other very much. I have several friends that have married simply because they made children with these men, and I can honestly say I have NEVER met a group of more depressed, angry, and lonely people. Husbands and wives. Find a man who wants to commit to you because he LOVES you AND your beautiful baby. Not just because the two of you had a child together.

Natasha - posted on 08/02/2010

I get that alot as well seeing im only 22 and my and my boyfriend are on our second child. But to me really I dont need a pieace of paper to tell me that im happy and going to be with my boyfriend forever. And who's to say that he wont, the main thing is that your all happy together :) Because that's what truly makes a family is joy and happyness. And it isn't wrong to want all that, Just give him some time :)

Sherilyn - posted on 08/02/2010

No Don't have any fears. If your man is always at your side there is nothing to fear. For example I am notmarried to my daughters father but we are engaged but have put the wedding on hold because my father passed away afew months back.
but if you are walking as a proud mother with your head up high and your man is commited even puts a promise ring on there is no need for marriage. Take it from someone going through it right now ..... You only need your man, child and you to have a family and maybe the ring (itis old fasion and runs through many cultures- I am Irish you get the heart with the crownor a plain ring with three small diamonds) no piece of paper :)

Next time a old lady gives you a dirty look flash one right back at them!!!

Jennifer - posted on 08/02/2010

I give you credit that you had your baby and didn't get an abortion. So many unmarried women choose to "get rid" of their baby, so I applaud you for not doing that.
Blessings to you and your baby.
Jennifer Polimino
www.PrayForYourBaby.com

Delia - posted on 08/02/2010

It depends....What views do you both have about mariage?? I was very young when I got married. I wasn't prepared to be someone's wife.. We divorced after 2 1/2 years but remained in each others lives.. I had dated other people for a short time and he decided to stay single.. Funny thing is we started to talk to one another about our own future as parents.. We realized that we still cared about each other more then we wanted to admit. We are thinking about getting married in the future.. Its going to be sometime before we do but at least we have an idea of what we want for each other.. Don't be confused .. You will know if its truely meant to be...Good luck !

Hannah - posted on 08/02/2010

I was young when I had my daughter- I was 18 an still in school. Her father is 8yrs older than me but I am the parent, from day one. At the end of the day you have to put the little one first - if himself isn't willing to make a comminment to his child, then you have to accept that and be super-mum. kids don't apreciate the hard work till later - but it's worth it!

Katy - posted on 08/02/2010

wow im the same...i really want to have the same name as my daughter n fiance but we cant get married yet... It really annoys me wen people say you got a baby but youre not married...so what yes i got a baby n im not married but were happy, were a family, theres lots of love and my baby is well looked after... And as for you man not comitting to you having a baby is the biggest commitment ever... some men run at the thought of being a dad so i consider myself lucky....hope u do get married soon just so you have same surname as your child.... god bless x

Carol - posted on 08/02/2010

Honey just because he was man enough to get you pregnant doesn't mean he is man enough to make the commitment you want him to. Does he have anything to do with your's and his daughter? If not don't expect him to make that commitment because if he doesn't love you then a marriage where one partner doesn't love the other partner isn't worth having, I know been there done that when I was in my 20s. Just concentrate on you and your beautiful daughter and some young man will come along and want to be a dad to her and to love you for who you are. And if her dad has nothing to do with her and has abandon you and her then later on if you and that special man ever get married he just might want to adopt your daughter and raise her as his own.

Kirsty - posted on 08/02/2010

omg im in the same boat. me and my partner have been together almost 4 years and there is no sign of us getting married. i want it so bad but im not leaving coz it wont happen at the end of the day its a bit of paper. but it does mean a lot. my daughter has his name and its frustrating not having the same last name.if u love him dont let it wreck the relationship, i hope u do get married and live happily ever after but if no marriage still live happily ever after!!!!

Christi - posted on 08/02/2010

and to cherylann's rude comment, things happen. my husband and i, then boyfriend, were using condoms and i was on the pill and we still ended up pregnant, after i had been told i was infertile. i was on the pill to help regualte my periods and we weren't ready for a child yet, but God has a plan for us all. i am happy you waited until you were married and personally i hope my child does too, but things happen.

Christi - posted on 08/02/2010

i understand how you feel. if it was me, i would not have given my child a man's name until we were married, father or not. my husband asked me to marry him when we found out we were going to have a child, not for looks, but because we really and truly knew we wanted to spend our lives together. we were together only a three months before we married, but had already been discussing marriage and children and our son just gave us the sign that we needed that we were ready. getting married just because you fall pregnant can lead to resentment and most times ends in divorce. so many people i know, even those who had children after they married and are my age are getting divorced. be together a few years and as you get older, you will know. people grow and change especially at my age ( i am 22) and alot of time people grow apart. my husband and i were lucky enough to grow together. not saying we haven't had our rough patches, but we love each other and our son and want to work it out. don't let it get to you, you do you and you are a kick ass mama either way!

Lillian - posted on 08/02/2010

I know how you feel.. I've been engaged 2 years.. We got engaged before I was pregnant well more like we didn't know I was 2-3 weeks pregnant. We've had the money yet we still haven't got married. Something happens or we fight and bam there's no more chance.. My son has his fathers name and now I want my son & fiance's name but I'll probably have to wait another 2 years or have another child and still no same last name. By the way My sons 18 months old so believe me I know how hard it is to wait. I'm 24 though but still it's not that your young and unmarried it's that you have a child and your unmarried. Older woman are stuck int he old times if your a single mom they don't even see it as a good thing when its something you should be proud of. Don't worry about not making a commitment. At least he is there for you and your baby. At least he didn't run.

Kelly - posted on 08/02/2010

I know how you feel, I wanted so badly to be married even before we had the baby, so that we would all have the same last name, and even though we were young, no one could judge us because we were married. I got married to him a month before she was born. Got pregnant with our second child and broke it off before the second was born. Now I have finally got my divorce finalized after almost two years in court. Needless to say a piece of paper, a new last name, and the hope for other people not to judge me wasn't worth it. Even though my kids have a great dad now and i have a wonderful partner, as wonderful as marriage sounds waiting a few years is the best, my ex rushed into a commitment with me and it ended badly. I think in all fairness to your child waiting is the best thing to do for them as well, and then they can be old enough to be apart of your wedding, and by then you'll know if its right for you. And btw an engagement or promise ring is worn on the same finger, and is still a commitment, and then people won't really bother to ask you otherwise, or judge you for being unmarried. Being a young mom is hard, but be proud of yourself, I'm a young mom of two and a full-time college student, and I know it is hard. So be proud and don't let other people knock you down!

Sara - posted on 08/02/2010

There really is no need to get married its just a piece of paper. just because you have a child with someone does not mean you have to marry them my mom did that and she was spectated by the time she was 18 they day i was born was the day the separation was finally if you really love some one then you know they will always be there i am not married and have 2 great kids i would like to get married but that will probably never happen

Kameron - posted on 08/02/2010

im not married to the father of my child and we live together and have been for quite some time. i feel you on older woman giving you the stink eye b/c you dont have a ring on. i get the same treatment. and im in the same boat about how the feelings are hurt b/c we arent married yet. i dont know what to tell you but it helps me knowing there is someone where i am... and to add insult to inury we have family portraits made and there is one with three dif pics and on the bottom he had the them print "the booker family" but thats not me at all.... im not a booker yet. ugh. but anyway if you need to talk some more, let me know!

Ashley - posted on 08/02/2010

I am an unmarried mother as well. A lot of older folks are old fashioned and think you should be married then have kids and that things should be done in a certain order...but that's not necessarily the standard these days! There's a lot more births between unwed couples! Just because you have a baby does not mean you HAVE to get married. And also, just because you get married does not mean that you will stay together. As of right now, I have no desire to get married. Yes, we have been together for a long time and yes, we have a child together, but I still feel like I'm too young to get married. That's a big commitment. Don't let anyone pressure you or make you feel like you have to get married in order to have a complete family!

Daniela - posted on 08/02/2010

I haven't read the other posts, but I'm sorry you feel this way. Society has no right to judge you if you're doing right by your child. Keep your head high. If your bf is committed to you, maybe you two should discuss promise rings. I suspect that might make you feel better.

I never married my daughter's father. We had an excellent relationship when we were together. I was 19 when I had my daughter. As we grew older and changed, we didn't change together. It made things less complicated when we broke up. I"m sorry to be so blunt, but from my experience in NY state, you should check child support laws because here you are only entitled for support from the day you file with the Dept of Child and Family Services. Your child should be your #1 concern. Do what you have to to protect that child... especially if you're questioning if your bf will be there for the long haul.

Best of luck and healthy for your baby and you.

Amanda - posted on 08/02/2010

I understand where your coming from, as I too as in the exact same situation. It really bothers me that I do not have the same last name as my son...and I would love to one day - sooner rather than later. It just seems to me that some men get too 'comfortable' and don't feel the need to take the leap.
I would try and talk to your bf about it and just let him know how you feel...instead of using phrases like, "YOU make me feel..", try and use "because of this situation I feel..." This way its not like your BLAMING him and he won't get all defensive and possibly get into an arguement over it. :) Just speaking from experience...I wish you luck!! :)

Eileen - posted on 08/02/2010

My husband and i werent married when we fell pregnant with my son. We only married a week before my sons second birthday. My husband wanted to get married before my son was born but my family wouldnt allow it. They said there was nothing wrong with living together, raising our little one and seeing how things worked out as children put a lot of strain on any relationship. We have now been together 6 years, nearly married for 2 and we have now got another child. I am glad things worked out the way they did because if we had married sooner i think we would have been divorced by now. we had a lot of ups and downs to get through the first year after my son was born. Dont rush into anything and dont worry about what other people think. its your choice how you want to live with your partner and maybe it will happen that you get married in the future. its 2010 and old traditions have changed a lot. Good luck...

Renee - posted on 08/02/2010

Hi, I'm not married to my daughters father, but we have a very stable home, and we are amazingly happy. I would love to get married, but the time will come, as I'm sure it will for you. At least you are giving your child the best you both can. As Melanie said getting married won't confirm 'forever', some people do that better by not getting married.

Simone - posted on 08/02/2010

No its not wrong! i am an unwed mom too and know how it feels to have people label you becos i am not married! I used to tell my partner if you dont know im the one you want to spend your life with, now then you will never know! my partner surprisingly proposed when my son was 9 months! we still saving for a wedding but im glad he is willing to fully commit! good luck!

Simone - posted on 08/02/2010

No its not wrong! i am an unwed mom too and know how it feels to have people label you becos i am not married! I used to tell my partner if you dont know im the one you want to spend your life with, now then you will never know! my partner surprisingly proposed when my son was 9 months! we still saving for a wedding but im glad he is willing to fully commit! good luck!

Miranda - posted on 08/01/2010

No you are not wrong to wish for commitment and want the same last name as your child. I too am an unwed mother of a 17 month old. I live with the father of my child, and have for the past 5+ years, we have been together for almost 7 years now. He finally proposed to me last September! I wouldn't necessarily fix something that may not be broken. Do you and your childs father have a good relationship? Do you trust one another? Does this man make you feel safe? Does he take care of you during hard times? If you answer yes, than I wouldn't rush anything just yet. If it is meant to be it will happen. However if you answer no, than I would reconsider your desire to be with this person for the rest of your life. I hope this is a little helpful? Good luck, I wish you nothing but the best!

Keira - posted on 08/01/2010

I was 17 when i had my first son, and i heard alot of those comments aswell, although i thought it was starting to become abit more accepted now. The first couple of years my partner wasnt around as much as i would have like and i ddnt no if things were going to work out, 3 years later, and we're married and have just had our 2nd son. turned out just took him alot longer to grow up than me lol.

Rene - posted on 08/01/2010

Do you love him and does he love you? Is he ready to commit?
Don't worry about what other people say, just do what is best for you. I had a baby at 19, unwed. People wanted us to get married because we had a child, but I was not ready. Do what is best for you and the baby and do not worry about what other people think! Other people like to put you down because they they are insecure about themselves. Talk to him and Good LUCK!

Cindy - posted on 08/01/2010

The name on the birth cert. all goes around what you put on there for her father. Maybe ask what he would prefer. You would not want him to decide when she is 10 that he would all of sudden want custody. Many young moms battle with this and they try to get a paternity test done so the child will know later in life even if the father does not want to be involved. Questions I sure will be asked later when they start to understand.

Holly - posted on 08/01/2010

same here. me and my partner arnt married either.. we both want to but there are issues with it at the moment and also financial matter too.. other then that, there really isnt any point into it unless you want to.. your choice! who cares what the other women say! they are there selves not you! everyone has there own opinion and will be negative about it, but if partner loves you and cares for you, married or not... that is perfect as much as marriage is!

Heather - posted on 08/01/2010

Its not wrong to feel the way you do, just remember not to rush into a marriage just because there is a baby. I know it used to be called the responsible thing to get married just because there was a baby, but people and situations have since changed. I was a young single mother who ended up having 2 children with my high school sweetheart, we never married and I am glad we didnt because we have been split for over 2 years now and its brutal. He didnt treat me right and had we been married, I may have stayed just because of being married to him. I have 2 beautiful children from him and wouldnt give them back for the world, but I know that it would have been harder had I married him...we were so young when we got pregnant, 17. We werent ready for a baby, let alone a marriage. The cost of a divorce would have been impossible and honestly being married wouldnt have changed anything between us. the commitment should be there regardless, and if its not, getting married wont change that. Now, I have found a man that treats me right and loves my kids as his own, we are expecting our first next month and I feel I would have missed him had I married my ex just because we had kids. As a christian, I know its the right thing to be married, but its also sacred and I dont believe that God would want you to marry someone if it wasnt for love. I know its a touchy subject because we arent supposed to be making babies when not married either, but life happens, people arent perfect. Just dont let what other people say effect how you feel about you or your situation, its your life, not theirs....hope this helps.

Robyn - posted on 08/01/2010

my boyfriend and i have been together for 7 years and have one daughter and another baby on the way, we're not married. just because you're married doesn't mean that your family will stay together, lots of married couples get divorced. that part of why we havent chosen to get married, in a way we don't want to jynx it.

Kelly - posted on 08/01/2010

No it is not wrong for you to wish that. I get the same thing all the time. I have 3 children all by the same man and he still hasnt committed to marrage yet. We have been together off and on for 6 yrs. Mostly on. He has recentely started talking about it though. That is the thing I want the most now is just to be able to have the same last name of my children as my oldest one is starting kindergarden this year. Just hang in there and be strong.

Jessie - posted on 08/01/2010

Don't rush out and get married because your're having a child. I am friends with several couples like this and 3 of those couples are contemplating divorce (no joke!) and besides that it did not make my friends husbands into good fathers (because they arent). My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years and have a one year old son. Marriage is not in our forseable future and I am ok with that. I would love to have the same last name as my son and boyfriend but it's not that big a deal. He is a great father and is always there for both of us financially and emotionally. He takes care of the baby on his days off and in the evening when he gets home from work they play together. He works hard so that I only have to work parttime and can be with our son more and he is always there to support me as a mother and as my partner. We are saving money to buy our first home together. Marriage has nothing to do with it. I was engaged once at 19 and I thank god that I came to my senses especially seeing how that guy turned out with his wife (friend of mine) and kids. I am not married to my man but I definately got the better deal there! Forget what other people say they dont matter, only you and your man and child do. People are still telling us we have to get married because of our son and we just ignore them.

Becky - posted on 08/01/2010

I have not read all the posts yet but the ones I did read all pertained to women who's fathers are in their childrens lives and the women who do/dont want to marry their father. I have a different situation...My son is 4 1/2 and I havent been with his dad since my son was 3 months old. His dad doesnt really show much interest to being a part of his life. I am currently dating the most amazing guy I've ever been with. Its almost been a year and we both believe that marriage is never gonna be an option for us. Our relationship is too good to have a piece of paper ruin it for us. I have seen a lot of relationships get ruined by marriage. It is my position that marriage doesnt mean anything to your child. Be the best parent you can be and make it about your child...not the significant other. Your child is the most important thing to you.

Sarah - posted on 08/01/2010

i wouldn't worry about it too much! being married does not make a man a good father or a good partner! if your child's father is there for you and your child i wouldn't worry about it! he may want to get married a little later!

Alyson - posted on 08/01/2010

I feel the exact same way. My boyfriend and I aren't married either. He keeps telling me that he's going to propose soon.. but it's been almost a year since he started telling me that.

Tracy - posted on 08/01/2010

Don't worry about what other people think. That lil piece of paper that says your married and that you will be together forever doesn't know anything about love, so how does it keep a couple together forever? I doesn't. I was married and very much in love with my husband. And when I was pregnant with our third child he up and left and told me he didn't want the responsibility of a family anymore. Being married didn't keep him around. So what I am trying to say is that if you and your partner are in love and he is committed to you and your child, that is all that matters and you don't need a piece of paper to tell you that. Ignore others who think they can judge, they just do that cause they are jealous of what you have.

Vixi - posted on 08/01/2010

I get the looks as well haha it amuses me so much! On the bus the other day 2 old ladies sat there one giving sympathetic looks to me an the other in total disbelief lol. I thought we are in 2010 not 1912!!! At least Im not 13 and pushing a pram, I am 20! lol x

Natasha - posted on 08/01/2010

i am not married either and we are not together any more. i think i rather be an un-wed mother than to stay with or be married to a man and have my daughter exposed to the cheating. older women can make all the comments they want but they have to realize that men these days are not as faithful and family bound as men were back in the day. as long as ur and ur child are happy that is the most important

Pamela - posted on 08/01/2010

It doesn't matter what other ppl think if you 2 are in love and plan to live together for a long time then marriage is just a piece of paper showing that each is responsible for the other. I have been w/ my NOW husband for 13 yrs, & been married 4 yrs, the ONLY reason I agreed to marriage was so that he can claim me on his taxes, cuz i wasn't working that yr & nobdy else would be able to claim me. At that time we ALREADY had our family (4 girls & 2 boys) So as long as there is no SERIOUS issues going on then I'd say he is ALREADY committed to you.

Jennifer - posted on 08/01/2010

I know how you feel but if he really loved you he would comitt to you and you dont need him if he wont comitt your better off without him because he'll make you fell depressed and angry because he'll control you or mayb not care and thats what you need.But your child comes first and yes the baby should have ur last name mine since you guys arent married. So tell him tough luck shes gonna get ur last name and get on with your life with you and your baby, you'll feel better trust me I did,now I have a wonderful bf who loves me and likes my kids.So take your time with finding the right one he's out their somewhere and he'll show you he cares for you and your child and loves you!

Kat - posted on 08/01/2010

I agree with you i'm 20 with 2 kids and not married, my partner says he will marry me once we have the money to afford one, have you spoke to your boyfriend about it? My kids got his last name and i really want to have the same last name because i dnt want them growing up asking why its different....just talk to him abwt it coz if he don't know how u feel he'l wnt b able to help :) keep smiling u might be worrying for no reason

Amanda - posted on 08/01/2010

I feel the same way. me and my babys dad were together for almost a year and he dumped me,I wound up staying in a shelter and moving in with my mom right after I had the baby but through it all you have to be strong for your child. I know it hurts but your gonna have to give up the idea of yall being a family because he dosen't want that but that does not mean there is anything wrong with you,trust your instincts,put the man on child support and know and believe that there is a man out there that will love you and your child!

Sara - posted on 08/01/2010

You don't want to push it to hard if the relationship isn't ready. My baby's father and I got married 3 months before our child was born, and i hate to say it but it made things so much harder on us. We made it one month shy of two years of marriage and are going to be finalizing our divorce next week. And divorce is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. so look at your relationship are you happy? do you enjoy your lives? if so there's something to be said about don't fix what aint broken. You can have everlasting love and be wonderful parents without ever being married,

Susan - posted on 08/01/2010

I think people forget that the biggest commitment there is is having children with someone, thats for life! A piece of paper can easily be torn up and thrown out. I have 2 children with my partner and we're not married either. Times have changed and these people need to remember that. Besides it's too exspensive nowadays to get married. So keep your chin up and tell those busy bodies to mind their own business.

Sara - posted on 07/31/2010

no its not wrong. my fiancee isnt actually my daughters bio dad. and im not sure who is i kno its one of two guys. but neither of them want her. but anyways me and my fiancee arnt married and our daughter has his last name. mayb you should sit fown and talk to him bout your fears

Kassie - posted on 07/31/2010

who cares what older people think, back in the day when it was expected of a women to be married before giving birth. but as i read its 2010 you don't need a marriage to have a family. its your personally choice weither to get married or not, don't do it because its expected of you. im 25 and have 2 wonderful boys who by the way have my last name. I look at it this way if your now married when the child is born then they get your last name, who says the guy is gonna stick around.

Kristy - posted on 07/31/2010

ive been with my partner for 10yrs and been engaged for 4yrs and still arnt married. I had my wedding planned and found out I was pregnant and our Daughter was due on our (ment to be) wedding day!!! and I am now pregnant again. The way I see it we have been commited to each other longer than some marriage's even last!!! And now Im not sure if I even want to get married. Our relationship works it has for a long time we dont need a peice of paper to make other's happy. Everyone was telling us to get married before our daughter was born to make an "honest" woman outta me which i took offence too!! just be happy with what you have the grass isnt always greener on the other side :) U have so much to be greatful for enjoy your family.

Jamie - posted on 07/31/2010

Eventhough I am married, and love it I can honestly tell you that it, however, will not change the way you feel about eachother, and it wont make you stay together, it just shows your commitment to friends, family, and the world because you have taken that step. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. Some men are just intimidated by the thought of such a big step even if you have been together for awhile. Also, are his parents together? Because his past experience with marriage might be part of the reason that he has not asked you. My parents got divorced when I was 2, and I was hesitant to get married. Whereas my husband's parents have happily been married for 30 years. So my husband was beyond ready for marriage. Have you told him how you feel about it? He may not even realize how important it is to you.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/31/2010

It will be alright. My sister has a baby and she too was going through the same thing. Tell Your boyfriend that you would like to get married, it could be the "price" or the fact marriage scares him so if you are alright with it just have a small one and go to the court house. Many woman are in this spot and it isn't anything that ANYONE should look down upon you for. If they do they also need to look down upon themselves for judging some one they don't know. I hope you tell him how you feel and you do get married :) Good Luck hun and don't worry about what people say. You just be a strong woman and a great mom

Sarah - posted on 07/31/2010

a lot of people now a days think us young people are too young for marriage, kids. ect... we can all ignore that as long as we are comfortable in the choices we have made.
Where I live you can change your name as long as you aren't a felon or have any charges against you. for a fee.
so you could have the same last name as her. But I'm not sure where you are.
Just care for her and raise her right, If he doesn't want to be a part of her life then he shouldn't be, better no dad than a bad dad.
But that's just my 2 cents.

Jessi - posted on 07/31/2010

all i have to say is this...be greatful to know that he's apart of both your lives, that right there is showing commitment. i just recently went to a wedding where the couple had been together for, get this.......40 YEARS before they finally got married! the bride had a 5 year old daughter when they met and he helped raise her ever since. now i myself am not so lucky, my son's father chose not to be apart of our lives when i told him i was pregnant. your time will come but don't push him into it...I WISH YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST! oh and btw, congratulations in advance for when he does propose!