undermining In-Laws

Dawn - posted on 07/16/2010

Let me just tell you what happened to me. You have to get this problem dealt with NOW! My MIL has always tried to come between my husband and I. She would do the exact opposite of everything we asked, then pretend she had no idea what she was doing when we would try to talk to her about it. This started happening in 2006. Now, 4 years later, it has been 8 months since she has seen my 3 year old (at her birthday party where she completely disrespected me, my family and my friends!). I have a 2 month old daughter that she has never met. She tells lies to all of the other family and family friends. She tells everyone she can't wait to throw my husband a divorce party. She still, after 8 months, refuses to admit that she has done anything wrong. Since she had gotten away with this little game for so long, she is convinced that we will eventually come running back to her and allow to do things her way. She has no respect for our family. She guilt trips my husband into visiting her. This is a very bad situation and is causing alot of stress to my marriage. You need to deal with this now, even if it gets ugly. For me, it started with my MIL giving my daughter a bottle for naptime. Seems like no big deal, but years later it has caused this huge mess. Hope things turn out better for you!

Lee-Anne - posted on 07/15/2010

Thank you ladies for all your advise! tomorrow is friday, so i think when She comes to pick him up i will sit down with her and talk to her about it WITH my b/f there. I'll do my best to stay calm and try to remember all the advise. I'll be back on tomorrow to post how it went.
thanks again moms!

Holly - posted on 07/15/2010

We don't bother with my mother-in-law and my mother always asks before she lets our daughter do anything so I don't know if I will be much help. U need to remember that this is your son you or your b/f needs to talk to her and her husband and explain that. Unfortunatly I've seen many of my friends go through similar situations and more often then not it ends up with lose of visitation. I hope this doesn't happen in your case so nip it in the but b/4 it gets so out of hand that you just take your son away from them.

Lacye - posted on 07/15/2010

tell her that you don't want either of them to cut his hair. you want to let it grow out.

Ashley - posted on 07/15/2010

U need to explain to her how u feel when she steals your firsts with your children she had hers and its your turn now good luck make sure your husband is there too to back u up.

Kelly - posted on 07/14/2010

I can certainly understand your frustration! I have a particularly difficult mother in law myself! Try gently talking to her with your boyfriend present and explaining how this makes you feel. If she is like my MIL it won't and you will have to get firm and really stand your ground. If she still continues then you have to decide how valuable that free time is to you. I had to get very firm with my MIL and she is now more respectful of me than she was before. It helped that my husband was standing there backing me at the time as well. When I had to be so firm with her we were living with his family at the time so that made it even harder. I basically told her that in her house it was her rules and that I understood that but that when it was our house it would be our rules and if she couldn't respect us or our rules then she wouldn't be welcome at our home. She knows that my husband and I are people who will stand behind what we say so she knew to back off. I wish you all the luck because I know how difficult and touchy these situations can be!

Lisa - posted on 07/14/2010

i was in a similar situation with my own mother not very long ago she took my daughter for the day when i had an appointment to go to and she decided that she would get her hair cut and let her get her nails painted (she was 2) i was not happy about it and at that moment i let it go because of how mad i was but after a day i called her and i asked her how she would have liked if her mother had done that with me at that age once she thought about it from my point she said she was sorry and now asks before she does anything like that

good luck and i hope this helped

Jenna - posted on 07/14/2010

Unfortunately, there really is no easy way of dealing with situations like this. I applaud you if you are able to talk to her about these issues and it doesn't turn nasty. Everytime that we ask my MIL not to do something with our child, she turns around and spreads lies about us to the entire family, creating a family feud. Hell, we are in right now. I'm sick of defednign myself to people - they choose to believe her rather than talk to us.

All I can say is you and the b/f need to sit down with her and the husband to explain things the way you need them to be. It may not og well, but it has to get out there or she will keep doing these things.

If it turns nasty, remember this advice:

1) Be polite
2) Don't be apologetic
3) Don't complain
4) Don't explain

Good luck!

Jessica - posted on 07/14/2010

Wow that would piss me off!! IDK I think you can say it in a nice way but ask her not to do it. If she STILL does something like that then I would stop sending him. I think if you start letting her get away with it now she is gonna walk all over you in the future. It will probably get worse. I would nip it in the bud.

Francesca - posted on 07/14/2010

Ahh, that must be frustrating. But if you reply with any hostility, it will only make things worse.

Try to remind her what its like to be a first time mom. Excited to do these things. Ask her if she got along with her MIL and how she handled it. And ask her if in the future she could think of you before she does things like this. That although you know she would only have the best intentions for her grandson, you would like to be shown a little respect and courtesty as his mother. (it worked great for me)

Its not usually about undermining you. Sometimes they are just excited to do these things. Since their own children are grown...

Good Luck.