unwanted advice

Evelyn - posted on 07/08/2010 ( 97 moms have responded )

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i get a lot of advice from family members, and i was just wondering if anyone else is super tired of unwanted advice, and how do you deal with it, because i am becoming a little catty.

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Rachel - posted on 07/09/2010

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When I found out I was expecting, I spoke with each of our parents and nicely explained yes we are first time parents, but we'd like to do it our way. We welcome your input, but please don't get upset when we don't follow it. I found this worked, everyone will offer their thoughts when something happens, like running off in a store, but they don't force it down our throats. And sometimes, they do give go advice ;)

Heather - posted on 07/10/2010

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I find that the best thing is to explain to them why that particular piece of advise doesn't apply to my child, or why I don't agree with the method they are suggesting. Every child is different and the fact of the matter is that what worked for their kids in their family may not work with yours. Most of the time they will respect that. The key is to get across the message that you appreciate that they are trying to help you, whether you agree on how to parent or not. The minute you tell them to mind their own business and keep their mouth shut, you are opening up a major relationship strain that will cause more problems than the unwanted advise. And don't forget to ask them for ideas if what you are doing isn't working. They just want to be helpful, and if they feel like you value their experience they will be more likely to let you do your own thing without interference.

Jennifer - posted on 07/08/2010

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i'm expecting the same thing from my in-laws but the best and gentlest way to put it is to say "thanks for the advice and i will keep it in mind. but i'd like to try it my way first" and just smile, no matter how annoying they are.

even if they are ignorant about it or the advice is really bad, they are still trying to help and they have only the best intentions in mind. that being said, you don't ever have to take anyone's advice but it's always respectful to at least hear them out.

Andrea - posted on 07/11/2010

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`i think just about everyone goes thru this! :) you dont have to listen to them, it a beautiful think lol people use to tell me oh you should do x instead of y and it started b4 i had the kid! ( ppl thought i should of had a Dr at a hospital, not a midwife at home) so i just smiled at them and said ok but i have my mind made up.

just let it roll around in your head, if you dont like it toss it out, or use part of it. i dont think they mean to be bossy by it, but it is irritating. clever come backs are always nice :) but really its your kid, its learning by trial and error.

maybe expressing to them that you fell like they are tell you what to do, and if they culd atleast put it more like advice or a suggestion "maybe try this" instead of "do this" get what im sayin?

godd luck girl!

Rachel - posted on 07/09/2010

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It's hard I usually say "huh that iteresting I'll keep that in mind" and it most of the time it works but with some family you just have to be firm, and say it's my kid and I'm going to do it my way, if I eed help I'll ask. In extreme cases you have to get mean, and maybe eve point out their short commings. For instance my mom is always bugging me about how I dress my daughter, she's never dressed warm or cool enough no matter what I do and mom likes to say that my daughter is "going to catch her death in that outfit" so I recently reminded her that my daughter is now five and has never had more than a slight sniffle, while I as a child was constantly sick and in and out of the hospital for something, so maybe she's not the best person to tell me how to keep my child from "catching her death" she been remarkably quite since then

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Yurena - posted on 07/16/2010

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That's so common!!! Smile, say thank you and tell them that you better go with what you think right because otherwise you'll end up blaming them if something goes wrong (for example what/when/how much feeding them). You can always tell them you already have decided what you are going to be doing about whatever they are suggesting, either because you've done some reading, know other mums or have experience with children from before, perhaps drawn from your own childhood experience. In any case, you are bound to be given a lot of advice, you may find yourself doing the same to other mums soon!!! Just try to see if it is well intended or just a criticism, if it comes from parents or non-parents. Listen well, if only to do exactly the contrary! I have always been very, very clear that I raise my children exactly how I think is right (in my case, very strict eating and sleeping routines - work wonders!, home made food everyday, no crap but in very rare occasions, the odd cookie - there are always grandparents that'll go against that behind your back but we can't control absolutely everything!). Also, if the advice comes from someone that helps you around with the children DO appreciate it even if you don't follow it, you can be honest and tell them your reasons (much better than just agreeing and doing something else's, it's misleading) they may end up resenting you, and there is no need for that if they really mean well. Good luck!

Kirstie - posted on 07/16/2010

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hi i was the same when my son was born i had family members giving me unwanted advice all the time and i just wanted to scream and say shut up but i just said one day that i no u r triying to help but ur not if i need advice i will ask thank u any way and after that it wasntso bad they might feel a little bit upset but it needs to be said hope it helps

Rebecca - posted on 07/16/2010

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Some people give advice because they think they know better than everyone else, others give it because that's what worked for them. I find the best way to deal with it is to listen, take heed of it, try the bits you think are relevant and ignore the rest. While unwanted advice may be unwanted, sometimes you might find something useful out of it.

Lisa - posted on 07/15/2010

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Carolee York your so funny, but sometimes you have to say something like that for ppl to stop "advising " you on how to raise and care for your kids. i normall just say "oh, thanks" then i walk away or change the subject.

Mel - posted on 07/15/2010

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I don't get too bothered by my family giving me advice, i can't stand random people that i don't know throwing in their two cents. I had an old woman ask me if I breastfed on demand and when I answered yes she gave me a disapproving look. I just smiled at her and left the room, cursing her under my breath. With family i just ask them to keep their advice to themselves unless i ask for it. Good thing about family is you can be catty and they'll get over it. Strangers on the other hand, just smile then make fun of them later with your family and friends

Milcah - posted on 07/15/2010

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I listen ,but ignore what i don't agree with. You are the mother,and you know whats best. My mom goes against my decision all the time, and it makes me soo angry. I always am telling her how I want my child to act, and when I punish her. My mother goes nuts! You do what you heart tells you is right, and ignore the rest.

Dorsha - posted on 07/15/2010

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I think every mom deals with LOADS of unwanted advise.. and how we deal is all our own.. like with my mom, I flat out was like.. this is MY kid, and I am going to do what I think needs done, how I see fit.. and as for everyone else.. I just bite my tounge and go on with raising my son how I see fit

[deleted account]

constantly with the advice! sometimes it gets me down.

i was at a childrens birthday party with tons of little kids running around and the grandfather who was attending tells me i check on my baby too much and i need to stop it or i will end up worrying myself to death. he also heard i had a midwife and had a lot to say about that too.

i even had some strange old woman at a BBQ restaurant turn around and give me her opinion on socializing. i have a friend who thinks my baby should be in bed by 8pm every night.

i have a couple of good mom friends that i call to vent to, who deal with the same thing. its good to have one or two of those for such situations.

it is what it is. i dont want to get into fights, but with strangers its hard not to be catty. in most cases i just let it go. occasionally a good idea does come out of the unwanted advice.

Meagan - posted on 07/15/2010

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just nod and smile, in one ear and out the other. everyone is different and you will find out what works best for you with a little trial and error. my mom used to be bad for this and i would just smile and nod and do what i wanted to do anyways and eventually she stopped offering unwanted advice and saw that i was doing just fine and then i acctually got a chance to ask her for some advice when needed cause she was no longer ALWAYS putting in her 2 cents

Savannah - posted on 07/15/2010

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Yes, it seems like once I announced I was pregnant, EVERYONE (including people who have never been pregnant) decided it was their duty to put in their two cents, even when I didn't ask for it. Esp grandmas who have done it "ALL" and "KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING"... unwanted advice is already one of my biggest pet peeves... certain people I am able just to simply say "well... I never asked you" or "if I wanted your advice, I'll ask you" and others, change the subject or simply walk away... I guess I'm hoping if I'm obvious enough that I don't want your advice, you'll shut up... but it doesn't really work with SOME people... in other cases I just smile and nod... I do think the whole unwanted advice thing is the biggest negative about being pregnant... even over the vomitting, backaches and charlie horses in the middle of the night... but that's just me. :) Hang in there and just know that pretty much EVERY pregnant woman is going though it along with you!

Appalania - posted on 07/15/2010

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I actually take in what they say, but as soon as possible I shake it out my head because I realize I know my child and that every kid is different, I was told when I was pregnant with my son, I was told that he would wake up all the time, teething would be difficult because he will cry all the time, and my son didnt do any of that, so after that I learned to say thank you, but I know my kid better than anyone, but thank you for the advice but I will stick to this.

Mary - posted on 07/15/2010

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Yes I remember when I was pregnant I hated unwanted advice. Also right after I had the baby. I basically stopped answering the phone the last month of my pregnancy because I couldnt take people calling me every day to see if I had the baby.
You just have to be firm and get the point across that you are going to raise your child your own way. And if it takes being a little rude then thats what it takes.
In the end they are just trying to help but eventually it will drive you up the wall.

Michelle - posted on 07/15/2010

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oh i'm most definitely far beyond sick if the unwanted advice...there is helping and then there is takin over...so thanks but no thanks for advice i want to raise my son how i want to raise him without anyone telling me otherwise! well except for daddy...otherwise from now on if i want advice i'll ask for it!

Letitia - posted on 07/15/2010

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Oh i get that alot and end up screaming at the person to but out !
like the other week i was in town and it was like 80 degreese and all i had my daughter in was shorts and t.shirt no shoes ( she is 7 months ) and she came up to me and was like do u no u daughter hasnt got shoes on and i was like derrrrrrrr fucking idiots its either that or if ur a younge mum like me 22yrs u get the old ppl staring at ya i just wanna tell them to fuck off

Jessica - posted on 07/15/2010

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if they have children say "i let you raise yours, let me raise mine"

unless its a MIL or your own Overbearing mother...
in that case say something like "i appreciate the advice but im following my doctors orders"

Lacey - posted on 07/15/2010

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I am going threw the same thing. I am tired of people telling me how I should plan my wedding. Now, I just ignore them or tell them I am doing it my way. I stand up for myself now! Don't let them give you advice if you don't want it. Simply say your not interested

Jenny - posted on 07/15/2010

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I get a lot of advice from my parents in law. They do not speak the same langage as me so it makes it easy for me not to listen. But my husband always tells me what they are saying. I just listen to what they say and do what ever I want as she is my baby. And I know what is best for my baby and what works for her. Good luck and dont let it get to you, enjoy your baby and just listen and do what you want

Alisha - posted on 07/14/2010

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Ha who doesn't get unwanted advice? It depends on the person, what they say and how they say it. I think that since it's family they know you pretty well so I usually don't say much and just smile. If it is something I really don't agree with I say well I'm trying it this way or ok thanks for the idea we will see how it goes. If they are being just plain rude I would say thanks but can you think of a little nicer way to get the same point across? Sometimes I just have to tell my mom, ok don't worry about how I discipline because she is my child.

Ana - posted on 07/14/2010

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Hi there!... talking about unwanted advice, i just remembered that when my son was a new born from nurses to relatives use to throw some of those that you don't agree with, what i did and worked pretty well was listen and then say what i thought, even if they didn't agree with me... cuz thank god the mom is who decides what to do or not to do with the baby... so you can try it... listening is good anyway...never take away their right to be listened to... let me know if it worked for you!
Annie

Jenell - posted on 07/14/2010

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I get unwanted advice about a lot of things, but mainly about my boyfriend/father of my two children. My dad and his entire family hate him and want me to leave, but all they see is the bad and don't see the good and how he really does try. Nobody is perfect, but in their opinion he should be.

Ashley - posted on 07/14/2010

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i am soooooooooo with ya on the unwanted advice! i only want advice when i ask for it but i dont think that ive needed it... i wanted my son for so long and i feel that i know how to take care of him because if i didnt know how to care for a baby i wouldnt have gotten pregnant! i just let it roll off my back and try to remind myself that these people love my son and genuinely think that they are helping me but i still try to drop as many hints as i can that i dont need or want their advice!

[deleted account]

I just nod my head and agree. No one knows whether or not you follow their advice and if for some reason they do find out just simply say "it didn't work for us, but thanks for the advice."

Amanda - posted on 07/14/2010

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I totally know what you mean. I have twin daughters, and everyone who didn't have twins likes to give advice that isn't relative to having twins. When it is strangers, you can just smile, nod and walk away. With family, I guess it depends on who it is and how close you are to them. When my in laws give me advice that I dont want or need, I just tell them I will have to try that, nod and smile and forget whatever it was that they just said. But it does get very annoying when you get a ton of advice that you didn't ask for or even want. Just take it with a smile, you never know, something might be of some help at some point. You know your kids best, other people off advice for what worked for their kids and just assume it will work for everyone. Good luck and know that you aren't alone on this one.

Laura - posted on 07/14/2010

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in one ear and out the other. at the end of the day your the mother of your child no one else and as they say 'MOTHER KNOWS BEST'.someone will always have an opinion and something to say, but its entirely up to you if you take it onboard or not. hope this helps x

Suzie - posted on 07/14/2010

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just take it with a grain of salt it is annoying and yes frustrating but every know and there there is a good grain in there remeber you are the Mommy and you have final say in what is going on

Cristina - posted on 07/14/2010

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i get the advice all the time from my family they always feel like i don't know what i am doing just because i am younger than them. i am only 21 but for the great majority of my life i have baby sat for infants of all different ages and stages and before my daughter was born i had even better practice with my little brother who is 7 months older than my daughter so i went through everything so i know my daughter is my first baby but i've had plenty of practice i read a lot of books and got advice from as many people as i could even before my brother was born and i asked doctors tons of questions so it bothers me when people treat me like i don't know what i'm doing i totally know how you feel. when people try to give me advice now i just smile and say thanks and keep on going like they said nothing in the first place because i most likely have already tried what they said and found a better way of handling things with my daughter and brother.

Francesca - posted on 07/13/2010

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I don't know what its like out by where everyone lives but where I am its 40 C out with the humidex. And I got told off today by an old lady because my baby wasn't wearing socks or a sweater. Seriously?

Jackie - posted on 07/13/2010

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i get unwanted advice form everyone, just let them say what they have to you dont have to do what they say, im sure they are only trying to help, but trust me i no how annoying it is and how frustrated your getting, i just fob it off or i sit there with a blank look on my face to say iot interested lol

Kat - posted on 07/13/2010

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Ohhh yeah, I've gotten tons of advice since my son was born. It's hard, especially as a first time mother, to sort out the good advice from the bad. I think that is the key to dealing with it though. Some people (like maybe that aunt you only talk to ever 6 months) are just one or two-time advice givers. Your mother, on the other hand, might give you advice every hour on the hour. Try not to get catty. These people really do think they're helping. To all the people who give you the same advice you've heard for the last few months, gently tell them you already know by blowing it off with "Yeah, my friend/mother/sister said the same thing and it worked like a charm!" For the ones who give you too much and/or incorrect advice, it's best to try and grin and bare it. My mother advised me to give my son Tylenol every time he cried. She even wanted me to give him childrens' medications (like Dimetapp) when he was only a few months old. Advice like that you definitely want to read up on and consult your child's doctor (or the local ER if necessary) before following through on. It's annoying. It's unnecessary, but generally speaking all of these people love you and want what's best for you and your child. Just remember: while you know your child's mannerisms better than anyone else on the planet, if the aunt who's had 6 children recommends a brand of diaper rash cream to get rid of that rash your child's had for a week, consider listening. Hang in there, and if necessary, blame your cattiness on hormones.

Brandi - posted on 07/13/2010

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I get it all the time... Them telling me what I should be feeding her is the most part of it.... Personally I ignore it.... In my opinion they had kids and raised them therefore they need to let me raise mine. To me it is one thing for someone to suggest something and another to try and make you feel like an idiot.... Keep your head up and ignore them.... They will get the hint.

Sadie - posted on 07/13/2010

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OMG i thought i was the only one that gets so irritated cause everyone always says U can listen and nod your head but its up to YOU to decide what advice to listen to but sometime ENOUGH was ENOUGH for me I know being a mom is a HUGE learning curve but i all i want is to learn myself as i go along if i need advice i'll ask for it. So in the end I would just not say anything i used to reply to them but now i kinda ignore them as rude as it seems i just couldnt listen anymore =) ;)

Amanda - posted on 07/13/2010

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Yes I got all kinds of advice.I am a first time mom but I know what I'm doing.I just knod and listen but most of the time egnore what they say!Make ur own choices with ur child and ur parenting..

Bethany - posted on 07/13/2010

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Have them watch Monster In-Law. At the end J. Lo. says "your advice will be solicited when needed". If I get "advice" when I didn't ask for it in the first place I ask them if they ever saw that movie and then remind them of that part.

Kelly - posted on 07/13/2010

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omg my family are the worst for this, my mom especially she dosnt realise things have changed and things are done a little different now and everytime i say sumtin about her advice she always respond with it didnt do u any harm, i no she's only trying 2 help but its so irrating. i think the best solution is just to tell them tanx for da advice but its my way or no way and if i want ur advice i'll ask 4 it. lol if u can put that in a better way 2 them it might work,

Krista - posted on 07/13/2010

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Oh that drives me crazy! I know they mean well and every once in awhile it is actually helpful but for the most part its just insulting. "You fed her grapes? Did you cut them up first?". Things that are just common sense, of course I cut them up first! But its just important to remember that the advice is given because they care about your baby and they mean well. For the most part I just smile and nod, seems like its not worth an argument.

Ariel - posted on 07/12/2010

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I'm convinced I'll be getting advice from everyone for the rest of my life. lol I have twins that are 16 months old. I've gotten advice about twins from people who only have a singleton....or people who don't have children...or people who have children who are younger than mine...it's going to happen. All I can say is be open to the advice. At least keep it in your mind. Who knows it might come in handy. Although one thing I would say, if it's someone in your family you might need to have a conversation about boundaries.

My mom and I got in a huge fight this past week when we visited her because she blately ignored me when I told her she couldn't do something outside of my twins' schedule. She wanted me to 'give into her' but I needed her to understand that I am their mother and what I say goes...end of discussion.

Melissa - posted on 07/12/2010

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my mother believes she knows everything about raising kids so she always tells me what i should and should not be doing. my reply is always " ill keep that in mind" it lets her know that i heard what she said and i will try her advice if i think it will be benifical to me. i believe everyone raises their kids the way it works for the parents and kids, Try and be nice but sometimes you may need to put your foot down and tell them that you have it under control and dont need any help at the moment. You dont want to make them angry because if you need advice or help they wont be there.

Ashley - posted on 07/12/2010

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With most people, I play dumb because I like to know what other people did (even if I've heard the same piece of advice over and over again, sometimes you catch a little more). You never know, they really may know what they're talking about.

HOWEVER, I have a friend who always tries to shove her ways down my throat. One night after my patience was really wearing thin of my usual way of handling it (she just kept going on and on and ON about my daughter's naptime), I just looked at her and said, "This way is working for our family right now. If it stops working, I will change it." When she tried to bring it up again ("You need to listen to me, you're about to have another baby, and this isn't going to work. I KNOW what I'm talking about!"), I repeated it in a meaner tone. It's an easy way to say, "You don't know everything, and I don't know everything, so thank God for His wisdom and the internet!!!"

Lin - posted on 07/12/2010

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I just tell them that I'll think about it. It's truthful - I thought about it long enough to decide their advice is a bad idea to follow. My mother really insists on me doing things her way, but I recall her complaining about how annoying my grandmother is about thinking she knows everything about child rearing and how my grandmother would bi*** about how Mom raised us; so I remind her of that by calling her by her mother's first name. I get the "I am not my mother" speech, which I follow up with "Didn't you complain about Grandma doing this to you? Why are you doing it to me?" And the unwanted advice subsides for a while.

Karina - posted on 07/12/2010

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Yeah my mom and aunts usually give me advice I've already heard or already know. It does get tiring but I don't tell them to stop because I'm afraid one day I will ask them for advice and they won't want to give it.

So I just nod and agree with a tinge of annoyance in my voice because they would never listen to me enough to notice it.

They don't realize that I am responsible enough to care and know my own child. For example; my daughter had just gotten her shots and was screaming her head off a few hours later so I gave her a bit of medicine. My mother told me to give her some more later but I asked her why I should if she's not in pain or doesn't have a fever? She just kept repeating herself but in the end I didn't have to give my daughter any more medicine.

A mother knows best =P

Crystal - posted on 07/12/2010

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baby my mama is the queen of bad advice. She has to realize i am grown and she hasnt raised a child in almost thirty years. To linger too much on it let it go in one ear and out the other. You know whats best for YOUR baby. and every child is different. If you see something working stick with it if not switch it up. you dont need anyone to tell you how to raise YOUR BABY. Your doing a great job otherwise you wouldnt even be on this site!!!! ;o)

[deleted account]

I think I am at the point where I just nod at everything they say, and let it fly right over me. Just smile and nod and walk away. Lol.

Bonnie - posted on 07/12/2010

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Mother-in-laws definitely take the cake in advice-giving, don't they? The funny thing is, their advice is normally the most unwanted of anyone's. It's sad, but in-laws always butt heads, especially the females. I still have this problem, and it is not fun. I have to bite my tongue a lot, but I still feel like we're both catty every now and again. We end up apologizing a lot, especially since my husband pretty much always sides with her.

Veronica - posted on 07/12/2010

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Say, : "I appreciate your advice, but I think I am handling this quite well, we will be ok. I know your phone number, so if I need any help, I will give you a jingle."

Eva - posted on 07/12/2010

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i justed lied and said ohh ill try that it really isn't that big of a deal cause everyones going to give you advise wether you like it or not

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