Wanting 2-3 kids to wanting just the one you

Kate - posted on 02/07/2011 ( 39 moms have responded )

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All of my life I have wanted 2-3 kids but I feel like the challenges I've seen with it all (premature delivery, no sleep for a year, medical issues w/her, her more difficult than most toddler antics etc.) has traumatized me into not wanting anymore. I am not sure how I feel about her being a single child but I can't imagine going through it "all over again". I feel like I'm the only human on this earth that feels this way too (particularly out of everyone I know) as several people just keep having kids with no reservations it seems.. so I'm feeling extra guilty and selfish.



Am I the only one? Or Is it common to maybe go through this but then one day want another or?

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Dawn - posted on 02/07/2011

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It's perfectly fine to feel this way. When my husband and I talked about having kids, we both thought we wanted 4 or 5. Then we had 1. After the whole birthing process, which wasn't difficult or troubled as labors go, I didn't know that I wanted to go through it again at all. When our daughter was a year old, we talked more about having another, and we really considered stopping with just her. We liked the idea of not having to have a gigantic house, not accumulating more stuff, not having to divide attention. But we still wanted another baby ultimately. So we have 2 daughters now, and this may be it. After we had the second, I was exhausted (still am) and my patience isn't what I thought it would be.
Long story short, we aren't sure we want any more, we aren't sure we don't. Don't take any drastic measures until you're sure one way or the other, and be proud that you're actually taking the time to think about your decision and not just popping kids out like gumballs. Perhaps, if you don't want to go through all the labor and difficulties of childbirth, you might consider adopting?

Alisha - posted on 02/07/2011

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Every child will be different! I don't think you are not normal for feeling this way, you are overwhelmed at the present moment but the circumstances won't last forever. I would give it time and not worry about it right now.

Elfrieda - posted on 02/07/2011

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No, you are not the only one! I was totally there with you. My son cried inconsolably for 4 months straight, I had a terrible time breastfeeding, and altogether it was a miserable time. I always wanted 3 or 4 kids, but my husband and I seriously considered just stopping at 1 if it was going to be this hard.



We thought about it and decided we wouldn't make any quick decisions. Our son is a year and 2 months now, and he's a totally different baby. Happy and loving. We're starting to think about MAYBE trying for another one in the next year... I think once your daughter gets easier to manage, you'll be able to consider adding another. Or maybe not.



Something to consider is whether you are a "baby person" or not. Some people, usually men, just don't see much appeal in a kid until the child can talk and do things, like 4 years and up. I think that women who feel much the same way are really in the minority. Although I'm a woman, I am just not a baby person. I don't find them to be very interesting, and that made it harder for the first year. But I'm enjoying the toddler years more than the baby year. I LOVE interacting with my nieces and nephews, ages 2-9. I think it's just how I am. I somewhat dread the first 6 months of another infant, but I'm willing to go through that for the rest of the child's life! :) (also, maybe we'll have an easy baby this time, and now I'll have some idea of what I'm doing...)



That being said, I think it's a bad idea to have more kids when you feel overwhelmed with the one you already have. We both know moms who are constantly "on the edge", right? They are too frazzled to be good moms. They shout at their kids and are absolutely miserable. I really want to avoid that scenario for my family. I'd rather have a calm, supportive family of mom, dad, and child then a screaming, chaotic family of mom, dad, and three siblings.

Alice - posted on 02/08/2011

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Kate,
You are not being selfish... you are analyzing your personal situation. Only you know your personal situation. Don't let other people get to you.

I have 4 girls and love it; but that's me. I have a friend who always spoke of having four kids... after her first, she decided that was it and they are very happy. It is different with each family. You have to look at your family and decide what is best for you. Don't worry about her being a "single child" there are pros and cons to any number of siblings and with loving parents the kid(s) turn out fine! :)

One of my other friends only wanted two, had her baby and swore "i'm never doing that again!" but 3 years later she and her husband are now preggo again. Sometimes you will change your mind (and that's perfectly fine too!) :D

You aren't the only one; everyone has emotions similar to yours... especailly if they have had a difficult time with a baby/child. :) You and your little girl will be so close and such good friends :) Enjoy her! :)

Elfrieda - posted on 02/08/2011

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Oh, one thing, though. Make sure your daughter doesn't feel like the reason she doesn't have brothers or sisters is because "mommy couldn't stand you when you were a baby". Somehow I can't see that being good for her self-esteem. I'm not suggesting that you'd say that, but it's just something to watch out for, since she'll probably start understanding the meaning behind what you say in a few months.

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Elizabeth - posted on 02/12/2011

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I've always wanted 3 or 4 kids, but my first is such a handful and still doesn't sleep through the night and goes from 0 to screaming in seconds.
I find myself thinking there's no way I could handle this all again. The colic has just worn down on me.
Anyway, I go back and forth with it. Somedays I just think of how much easier it would be with just one (and cheaper!) And somedays I dream of a larger family.

Erin - posted on 02/12/2011

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I'm kinda similar. I myself am an only child so I wanted to have a big family. I always thought 6 kids but when I had my oldest kid I slowly changed my mind. My boyfriend and I came to an agreement to have four, even though he only ever wanted to three. And now after having my second son who was born prematurely through emergency c-section, I've changed my mind again and only want three. Especially if my next baby is a girl! But since I was an only child I always knew that I was going to have more than one. My childhood was very lonely because we moved around a lot for my parents job and I just think that if I had had a sibling to share it with it would have been more fun.

Christine - posted on 02/11/2011

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i have an 8 month old now, and I feel the same as you on some days, and then on other days, i want to have another baby right away. I am so conflicted. But i totally understand how you feel. It is so overwhelming though to really do it "all over again". but we are moms and we can do it!! XO XO XO XO

Coco - posted on 02/11/2011

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I do understand you, we have 2 kids. Since I'm from a family of 4, I thought 4 is a great number. my sister has 4 also and I see how cool it is to see them all play together. My hubby just has one sister and he kinda wishes he had had a brother.
So for me with a son (2) and a daughter (5mos), I think more of them and I want them to have siblings. It may not be the best friends in their life, but I think it helps someone to learn to deal with different personalities and gender. idk.
We decided to take one at a time and see where we are in life to decide. So I'm not thinking about a third one too much for now (since my daughter is only 5mos)
ps: prego with my boy was a charm I would have 15 other like that. prego with my girl, no so fun, sick for the first 16 weeks and often uncomfortable. every pregnancy is different.

Stacey - posted on 02/11/2011

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i think it is common as my daughter is almost three and i still don't feel like i'm gonna have another child.....it was horrible over 17hrs of labour, birth hours after passing the amniotic fluid ( dry birth) 14 sutures....in my vagina and nights without sleep but i think its a phase and it will wear off in a while.

Amy - posted on 02/11/2011

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It's really up to you and what you think you can put up with. Chances are your next kid will be totally different, but you need to be prepaired for them both to be hard to handel.

I felt that way too, our son is VERY active and smart when it comes to getting into things. He's what many can describe as a typical active toddler. He also dosen't sleep (Even at 2 12 years he still has issues sleeping). But I just couldn't stand the idea of having just one kid, so we had another one :) And she is the complete opposite of our son. Our son loves her (although he's not always nice to her), and I would not regret my choice. Even if she didn't sleep as much I would still do it.

As for the medical issues and stuff, I'm sure what they were, but you might want to look into if you have another one what the chances of that all happening again. If the baby was a premature delivery, will you most likely have to deal with that again?

Now, with all that said, I'm done. No more kids for me (Hopefully). Not every mom (and/or family) is capable of handeling or wanting more than one child. I know that if I had to do more "mothering" things that my choice might have been different. I'm not a "mothering" kind of person, I love my kids to death but I can't spent ALL the time with them Every day. Then I've got friends who just love there kids and can't have enough (I think she's crazy!), so it really depends on what's right for you and your family. Don't feel guilty or selfish for not wanting more.

Sarah - posted on 02/11/2011

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Let me tell you, normally each child is different. Unless you have a medical reason that made you have premature delivery odds are it won't happen again. Their behavior will be different as well. I have always wanted at least 2 kids... I have one and there have been times I have thought about not doing it again... But I'm with you and just don't know if I'm ok with him being an only child.

Cassy - posted on 02/11/2011

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You are not alone!! I always wanted a house full of kids running around. With my son I had the perfect pregnancy. Never sick, never tired, healthy the whole way through, only gained a mommy belly etc. He was born and he was the perfect little guy. Calm, quiet, slept well, ate well, all of that. However, there was something in me that said, he's perfect and all I need. The ambition to have more completely went away. It's not just you! Give it time!

Tamitha - posted on 02/11/2011

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Each pregnancy and each baby are totally different. It would also depend on the age range you want between your kids. I knew I wanted 2-4 kids, but wanted a larger age gap between them 3-4 years so that the older child could be semi-independent when baby came along. As it is, my second will be born 6 weeks before my son turns 5. My husband and I are second guessing ourselves a little about the no-sleep thing again for months and the total dependence, but will probably be a good thing. I also wanted to wait because I was afraid I wouldn't love my second as much as I love my first. I was also afraid of what a "single" child status would do to my son - so did a little pushing for his social development and sent him to daycare once a week even though I was a stay at home mom and then started him in preschool this year.

I'd say you're working those the issues you do have for wanting another child, and will decide best for you if you want another one. Maybe you want to adopt a child who is 2 so you miss the baby stage of frustration. Only you know what will work best for your family.

Kayla - posted on 02/10/2011

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I have always wanted 5 kids, I love a big family as I came from one! When my fiance and I met I told him this and he was ok with it. We have one already and I still want the 5 (or more) and he wants just one more :( I had a very rough pregnancy and I think it bothered him more than it bothered me. I don't think you're being selfish, it is your decision, and for your baby and everyone around you to be happy you have to be happy too. Raising children is a test on you emotionally and physically, but God chose women to be the one to have them cause he knew we were strong enough to handle them! :)

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quality not quantity... if you feel your life and your childs life will be better if you dont have more then dont =) i wanted to have kids 3 kids or more but after the birth of our 2nd son last month i decided to get my tubes tied one kid per parent turned out to be perfect for us i dont know what i was thinking. Everyone is different one mom may be perfectly comfortable with 4 or even 5 but others just 1 or 2. Dont feel guilty with your decision. If you arent sure about the future possibility of changing your mind no worries look into a long term birth control like an IUD in case you want another later. best wishes

Jessica - posted on 02/09/2011

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I know how you feel. I was an only child growing up and I don't want my son to have to grow up without siblings, but I really just don't know if I want another one. My husband doesn't want another one, but I'm still undecided. I always want another baby when I see newborns. But I had a really hard pregnancy and I hated every minute of it and don't know about going through that again. Also my son is an extremely well behaved baby, and only usually cries when he needs fed, changed, or sleep. He puts himself to sleep in his crib, and has been sleeping through the night since he was 6 weeks old. So when he has a fussy day out of know where, I lose all patients, and just don't know what to do. So I don't know what I would do if I had another baby with a differant personality. Everyone keeps telling me, "he's such a good baby, don't ever have anther one." And i'm listening cause I don't know if I could handle a fussy baby, and I don't want to chance that. But if I do have another one I want to get pregnant when he's 2. That was they will be close enough in age to play together. My son is 8 months now, so we will see when the time comes if I am ready.

Rebekah - posted on 02/09/2011

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I felt that way too. I really hate pregnancy and babies, and the thought of doing that all again sounded like a nightmare. If I hadn't had a surprise pregnancy when my son was 18 months old, I'm not sure we would have had another one.

But, I'm SO happy to have my daughter. She was such an easy baby and had a completely different personality from my son. In fact, she's 20 months old and I'm 7 weeks pregnant with #3. I realize now that all pregnancies and children are different and you can't really compare one experience to the other. So, what you have to think about is having 2-3 CHILDREN... and not 2-3 pregnancies, or babies.

Andrea - posted on 02/09/2011

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I can really relate to this.. With my first born he it was text book all the way.. Then when he was 9 months old we found out our daughter was on her way, Well she was not a easy nor even close to text book at all.. At 12 weeks we found out that she had Gastroschisis (inside outside body) and a syctic hydroma (pocket of fluid on back of neck) went in at 13 week to have CVS testing done for downs syndrome, Turners syndrome and many other. After that at 15 weeks test results were in she was found to not have any of the snydrome's however they told me that she only had a 50/50 chance of making it. If we made it to 20 weeks then she had a good chance at life. Then came all the fun NOT... I was sick the whole time, couldn't keep any thing down, was on more meds then ever, was 22 years old went in to labor at 32 weeks got 2 striod shots then 2 days later got the chicken pox. which could have killed us both. ( i had never had chicken pox till i was 22, 32 weeks prego.) was on best rest most of the time. Then on March 29th 2009 at 35 6/7 weeks went in to labor again, went to the hosptial for them to check things, found out that our daughter only had 3cm of fluid around her. (which they said it should never be below 7cm or she may die) Then they told me we would decided in the morning what we were going to do. So on March 30 2009 at 6:03 p.m. our daughter was born. Take right in to the NICU where she was for 2 hours before ever seeing her, then walked in to see this little 3lb baby with a silo on her inside to hold them in place till the surgery which is normaly right after birth to a few hours after. Hers was 8 days after she was born even then they were not able to close her belly so she had a hole where her belly button was to be, was on a vent for 11 days. Was on many other things for 7 weeks. Was only fed breastmilk 2cc every 12 hours, then they would up it every other week. Now she is a happy little almost 2 year old, I look at her and know in my heart that i am thankful god trusted me so much to give her along with her great big brother.. We still have problem with her Gastro, from time to time, but at the end of the day no matter what i have been through will ever compare to what she has been through or may go through.. We have been talking about having number 3 just not sure if we really are ready or if we are both just a little scared of the what if and the unknown... Just take a deep breath and give yourself time. As i am finding the more time we take and find ourself thinking that maybe just maybe we would like one more.. You are not being selfish at all you are just thinking like any mommy would. So just keep your head up and keep postive.. Take care... Hope i did not offend anyone or upset anyone...

Jessica - posted on 02/09/2011

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I have felt the same as you. I had a very good pregnancy and delivery. so well that a week after I had her I was like when do you want another?? Since then we have had problems with ear infections, acid reflux, tummy bugs and sleeping issues. When my daughter was 5 mo. old I found out I was pregnant again. I lost the baby a mo. and a half later. Between both of those issues I feel the same way you do. Im so afraid to have to go threw that again. Not only just dealing with a child that cried alot and didnt sleep well but also getting pregnant and worring that maybe I might lose another baby

But I have been told that I will forget those feelings and that every baby and ever situation is different. you also learned alot from your child that you didnt know before you had her. so stay positive and dont worry about what others are doing. eventually those feelings will fade away.

Tiffany - posted on 02/09/2011

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"OH" girl its ok!!! this is yoour frist child you had a hard labor, its ok 2 just want the one 4 now! whats the rush! "REALLY" I have 4kids and if only I could reminber the day with one! lol :) don't feel guitly! your doing good with just one maybe the older this one get the easyer it will be4u then u might start thinkin about more kids. but just put all the time in with the child u have now and GOD will do the rest!

Rachel - posted on 02/09/2011

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i was the same i allways wanted to have a baby and i thought pregnancy would be great ..... how wrong i was i had terrible morning sikness bad back aches and just hated it ........ then when my daughter was born she had septicemia.... sepsis due to my waters braking and the doc kept sending me home even though i had strep b ..... she stopped breathing and was taken to another hospital were i wasnt aloud to stay ...... she has alot of alergies .. always nappy rash .. iv tried everythin and wouldnt breast feed .. wich i wanted to do .... it has totally put me off..... she is always getting sick and its very stressful ..... i just dont want to put myself and my family through all the stress again ... is this selfish .... no one can judge as no one really knows

Charlotte - posted on 02/09/2011

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I'm kinda thinking like that too. My dd's coming up to 2 and the 18mnths of her life were full of Paediatric appointments and daily medicine to keep an eye on her Reflux problem and they believed she wasn't developing properly. Everyday for her 1st year, no matter how much of her medicine we gave her, she'd still bring back most of her food+drink. It was messy and stressful. On top of that I was diagnosed with PND when she was 2mnths and was on antidepressants til she was 7mnths. Luckily she's grown out of it and my PND has subsided. At the time I couldn't imagine her ever not being ill, but now the time has come and she's just like any other toddler. It has got better, and will hopefully get better for you too.

Back then I too couldn't imagine giving her a little brother or sister, but now I am thinking about it. It won't be happening til she's at school, because I don't think I could cope with her AND a baby.

But she will be a big sis and because I've already been through what I have with her, I believe I'll be more prepared for whatever the next 1 brings.

Alex - posted on 02/08/2011

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Apparently the second one is easier cause you know what to do......thats bout sll i have LOL cause i only want one kid to lol

Karma - posted on 02/08/2011

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I find that it is perfectly normal to go through the ups and downs of wanting another child....In time i think you well come across to the right decision and then to either one or two children you well be a great mom and you well have the ups and downs but they dont explain any of that in parenting books anyways...hope this is a little re-assuring

Stephanie - posted on 02/08/2011

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I always said 3 or 4 to but after my first wasw born, I said NO WAY! During the day it was "yea, one more", by night "you're an only child!!!" Number 2 will be here in 3 months but that's it unless we get bored in 5 years and decide we need another one lol.

Danielle - posted on 02/08/2011

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if it makes you feel better i was an only child on my mothers side and i have 3 half brothers younger than me from my father, and i loved being an only child, of course i thought the idea of a sibling would be nice, but when i would be spending time with my brothers i would reeally just miss being able to be alone and do what i wanted to do by myself. plus it was much easier to get spoiled by everyone lol. i think it also helped me to be very independent, the thing i missed was not being able to blame things i did wrong on a sibling lol, good luck to you

Jae - posted on 02/08/2011

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You have gotten lots of great responses! I wanted to go ahead and throw my 2 cents in too. My son was a preemie, 3 months early. The pregnancy was extremely difficult and ridden with medical and relationship issues. Kael spent the first 3 months of his life in the NICU. His birth father and I divorced when he was about a year and a half. I am now remarried to the man he knows as his father. The adoption is well underway, something that gives me great happiness. We are now a military family which presents its own set of challenges and stress. My husband and I have gone back and forth about having a baby, and Kael begs for a brother or sister (or both) on a weekly basis. However, though the idea of having a baby to buy all the cutsie things for, adding another member to our family, and all the good things that could come of it, the potential negatives still weigh heavy for me personally. The probability for another premature birth, complications, and possibility of my husband not being around as much as we would like to guarantee make me want to scream and run the other way. In my heart I know I want another child...someday. My son is 5, and I've just recently gotten to the place where I felt I could HANDLE another child without losing my mind. I don't deal well with lack of sleep so I know I would need help...

All in all my point is that you can wait. Wait until you are stable, til you find that right guy, your child is the right age... Granted there is no perfect moment but there is ideal. Being ready will minimize the stress and it won't be as scary. Make sure you have a support system. You know how much you love your child and when the time is right, I'm sure you will have just as much love in your heart for another.

Stevie - posted on 02/08/2011

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I know exactly how you feel. I have been going through the same exact thing! I was traumatized by my first pregnancy/birthing experience. Everyone around me kept saying I would totally forget and get pregnant again. I can't forget! It was horrible! I won't go into details, it would honestly take me ALL day to go through the laundry list of things that traumatized me during my experience. I love my son more than anything in the whole world and worry about him more than anything, he totally consumes my entire life. As bad as I want another child and not wanting to leave him as an only child, especially since we are a military family that will probably have to move around alot... I just honestly cannot see myself being okay with having to go through all the terrors I went through with my first. I would love to adopt, but I think the income the military has us on isn't substantial for adopting another child. My husband also has expressed concern about not wanting to hear, "You're not my real dad." I really don't know how to feel or what to do. If I have another, I would want them to be close in age... but he'll be two in May.. it already is starting to seem like it won't be possible...

Sara - posted on 02/08/2011

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I just read that the father left? That is hard now you need to think about whats best for you and your child. Get on your feet first befor thinking about a second then when your ready to get into another relationship you will feel more in control your daughter will find that kind of change hard so be ready for that. Take Care

Sara - posted on 02/08/2011

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There is a lot to consider when thinking about having another... time,money,no sleep ,space ,how much help you have, prepairing for college-university or a trade wich ever your child wants to do in the future. I have a 8 year old and now an almost 8 month old it works for me do what works for you and your family :)

Alecia - posted on 02/08/2011

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i had BAD morning sickness with my first pregnancy...all the way til my last month. then my daughter was born at 37 weeks, a little small but healthy...but then she became jaundice so after going home for 8 hrs we had to go back to the peds ward (that has no adult beds) and she and i stayed there for 5 extra days. and we had an awful time BF...but really having my daughter makes me want more children. i love her to know end, and i feel like i need at least one or 2 more so i dnt smother my daughter with me love!! lol. i think someday u will want another, but if not it is ok, ur not selfish.

Chrystal - posted on 02/08/2011

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I think it's completely normal to be going through this. Having a baby is a huge responsibility and it's hard at times. I love it, but it's hard at times and stressful. I've always wanted atleast 2 kids and I had a rough labor. I almost lost my life after giving birth to our baby girl. So now, that scares me to death that it might happen again even though the Dr. said it shouldn't. I think it's completely normal to be telling yourself you are ok with your one baby. Good luck to you:)

Kate - posted on 02/08/2011

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Thanks everyone! Yeah, my daughter is 2.5 now... and it's been tough since before she was born until now. I also LOVE babies but can't do toddlers. Overall, the idea of having sleepless nights continuously doesn't seem worth it to me people sleepless for over a year made me useless as a person... it's a damn shame too. I also think it's important to mention that it did not work out with her father, so by no means would I be ready to have a kid right now in terms of setup family-wise but even down the line, if the person I'm with wants one, I am not sure I could do it. Even the long-term relationship I'm in now... the person wanted a child but now doesn't after seeing how difficult it is with my daughter.... lol says something! Anyways, these are GREAT responses. This community is fantastic and it's great to hear the different stories.

Chloe - posted on 02/08/2011

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You might be thinking this now, but things might get easier and maybe in another 2-3 yrs you might want you bub to have a brother or sister... You have to be positive :-) just cuz you had problems the first time doesn't mean it might happen again! My son has changed my life he's amazing! He turns one soon and I can't wait for another! Everyone is different your not selfish at all!! :-) you will make the right decision for you and your family!

Shana - posted on 02/08/2011

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LOL after number 1 I swore there would NEVER EVER be a number 2!

After number 2 I swore there wouldnt be a number 3 and fell into depression after falling pregnant with #3....I swore that there would be no more yet #4 arrived even though I was taking the pill....



I allowed doctors to convince me that I must have missed a pill somewhere and since my #2 son was taking medication, we took our "pills" every morning together whilst my hubby and I swore there would be no #5...guess who is due with #5 at the end of May!!



My point is - bad times come and go, and you will decide what is best for your family but try not to dwell on the bad things cause the happier times are much nicer!!

Nadia - posted on 02/08/2011

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nope, you're not alone! my first daughter was... "unexpected" and for a long time i really didn't want any more... but that changed and it might for you, too. And now we have a second little girl (5 months) and let me tell you the diference between them is night and day! I had a really easy pregnancy the first time and easy delivery... but my 5-yr-old is one VERY strong-willed child! but with #2 my pregnancy was awful, i was soooo sick and delivery was excruciating! Yet she is the happiest and mellowist baby EVER!!! She slept throught the night for 6 hrs her 3rd night. she has always slept well, she eats well, hardly ever cries.... best. baby. ever. So don't call it a day yet, you might want another one in the future and just because you had a tough first one doesn't mean your second one will be as "challenging". Of course, sometimes one is all people want and there is nothing wrong with that :)

Rebecca - posted on 02/07/2011

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Well if you are alone, then we make two!!!! I felt exactly the same way. I had a premmie bub myself and we always thought we would have at least two kids. I honestly thought that I could never go through with it all again and my husband and I came to that agreement that our daughter was enough. Then as my daughter got older the gulit to give her a brother or sister become overwhelming and what do you know, I'm due with number two in only a few weeks. (My daughter is 2.5). I swore black and blue never again for a long time but then something changed and the timing became right. Kate, at the end of the day, give yourself a break. It's hard work being a mum and it's even harder some times to think about going back to it all. You're hardly alone. If it doesn't feel right now then don't do it, maybe in 6 or 12 months time you may change your mind, or maybe you won't but there is no need for you to put such pressure on yourself. If the timing becomes right, then you will know. Best of luck hun!

Brianna - posted on 02/07/2011

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With my first i had a really hard pregnancy (very bad morning sickness for all 9 months) just after i had her i realized that it was so worth going threw such a hard time just to have her and id do it all over again in a second. When my daughter turned a year I want another and I got pregnant with my second.. a few months later I lost my baby.. now people keep asking me when im gonna try again and well im so afraid to go threw that tragity again so I mean i want more that one child but i think its gonna be a long time before im able to have another one... so maybe you just need some time to change ur mind.. theres nothing wrong with waiting acouple years to try again

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