What do you think about other people disciplining your child while you’re standing right there?

Kimberly - posted on 11/18/2009

First of all, if mom or dad is standing right there, then they should be the only ones to say something to their own child. If anyone said or did anything to dicipline my children when I am standing right there, I would be very angry. I mean, I am mom right, so I would assume that gave me the right to decide how my children are diciplined and who has the right to carry that out.

Melony - posted on 11/18/2009

Maybe you can give her a taste of her own medicine, when you see something even remotely not up to par, even something small like not sharing, then bust it out on her! Be quick, and then if she says anything, just say, "what? you think you can talk to my child that way, well I was just going by your example." If she has a problem with it, you can always find new friends, you don't need someone like that in your child's life, help is one thing, unwanted influence is another.

Allegra - posted on 11/18/2009

I agree. I have a friend that does the same thing. I like her but it drives me nuts, especially when we're in my home....if we're at her house and he does something he isn't supposed to then I think it's okay for her to say something IF I'm not right there to do it myself. I don't know how to talk to her about it with upsetting her but I definetely know how you feel. In my opinion, it's my child so it's my responsibility....and no one elsehas the right to tell my child what he can do in his own home unless they're babysittng.

Tamara - posted on 11/18/2009

I think the parent should always be givin the oppurtunity to do the right thing. On the other hand if the child is doing wrong and the parent is ignoring it then another adult should step in and correct the behavior. Exampel. we were staying with some people who had a four year old. He got into our stuff while i was at work. Instead of getting onto her son for goign through other peoples private possessions she said it was our fault for leaving it within his reach. I put up with that brat getting away with everything under the sun for six months then we moved out. I corrected him once. when he started to pour water on my computer keyboard.

Krista - posted on 11/18/2009

I agree. Mom's should know better than to discipline someone else's child when the parent is right there. She could say something to you instead and ask that you take care of whatever your son is doing something she feels is wrong. I have 4 children and I can't stand when someone else yells at them when I am right there. Unless the child is in danger of hurting themselves or someone else a parent should address discipline concerns with the parent not take care of it themselves.

Krista - posted on 11/18/2009

I agree. Mom's should know better than to discipline someone else's child when the parent is right there. She could say something to you instead and ask that you take care of whatever your son is doing something she feels is wrong. I have 4 children and I can't stand when someone else yells at them when I am right there. Unless the child is in danger of hurting themselves or someone else a parent should address discipline concerns with the parent not take care of it themselves.

Jessica - posted on 11/18/2009

I hate it....We had a live-in-babysitter and she was always getting after the kids when me or my husband was around

Emily - posted on 11/18/2009

I hate it when peopledo that! I talk to my daughter if she does something wrong, but it irritates me when other people feel the urge to get involved. You should definately speak to your friend.

Angelina - posted on 11/18/2009

Disciplining is one thing, YELLING is another. I would hold no tolerance for things like this. It's downright disrespectful and undermining your authority. If it does happen again, just pull your son aside and say to her "Thanks, but I can handle this" You don't wanna be a nag about it but if you SHOW her how YOU discipline your child, maybe she'll take that into consideration the next time she wants to open her mouth.

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2009

I absolutely agree with you! I actually confronted my own dad over something like that. One of my older brothers allows my parents to do wahtever with his kids, because he doesn't want to. He lives with them, so whatever he feels for his kids is what he does. I, on the other hand, do not need someone to "help" me. I have 4 children, but I am more than capable of taking care of whatever they do wrong or right. I don't need someone to step in and give their 2 cents in. I actually told my dad to back off and let me take care of it. He said we were in his house, I said they are my children...BACK OFF. He has since told me he respects me more as a parent because I stood up for the way I feel about my kids and how I should be the one to deal with what may arise, not just let everyone else do it. My little brother, who has no children, has also tried to play daddy when I am there. I got onto him for it, too, and asked who their parents were. Not him. My husband and I are both big believers on being the primary caregivers. That includes any reprimands or discipline that is necessary. If I am not there, then by all means, they can do that. But if I am present, they need to back up and let me be the parent. If she doesn't like something, she should back up and tell you, then let you handle it. Not just handle it.

Julie - posted on 11/18/2009

I could see if your son came and whacked the kid in the head but I don't think ANYONE but a mom and a dad should be the one to discipline a child

Julie - posted on 11/18/2009

I could see if your son came and whacked the kid in the head but I don't think ANYONE but a mom and a dad should be the one to discipline a child

Natasha - posted on 11/18/2009

The only people who are allowed to discipline my kids while im around are my family...i dont think i would be comfortable with friends and others....especially yelling at my kids...As far as with your situation u need to tell your friend how u feel or else im sure they will keep doing it.

Alison - posted on 11/18/2009

I think it depends on if you have a good relationship with the friend and trust her judgement. If my friends where in closer proximity to my kid, and he was doing something that I would have stopped, then I would appreciate her helping out and jumping in. If it somebody who is a control freak that I don't trust however, I would make it clear that I am my kid's parent, not her! I guess that is how I figure it out. I guess if I know the other person loves my kid and me, and only is trying to help, then it would be fine with me. And if I don't want the person correcting my kid, but he is misbehaving, I would just make sure and be quick to keep my kids behavior in line.

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2009

i tell my friends kids off and vice versa even if were there with each other we dont yell at them we just explain wot they have done wrong but we only do that if we havent seen wot the kids did and we all made an agreement to do that, if u dont feel comfortable letting her tell ur child off u have to let her know or she will keep doin it and it could ruin ur friendship i hope ive helped

Elisa - posted on 11/18/2009

It's a hard situation. Make sure you look at why it is she's doing this. Does she snap at her own kid(s) like that, or is it just yours? I'm sure as parents we are more sensitive about our own kids (I'll find out in a week or so!!), but just step back a sec and see if it is only with yours or overall.



Best way to start a discussion is "I feel _____ when you say/do _____". Try to make sure it is not in accusatory tones, because if you accuse someone (or if they FEEL accused) then they will shut you out. You can also try to start a "random" discussion about how "man I remember when I was a kid saying I would never act like my parents" or whatever.. and then lead into how they disciplined/raised you vs how you do. I'm sure at that point your friend will join in also about how she grew up or is handling her own situation. Have you thought maybe she is just frustrated at her own kids and it spills over to kids in general? Maybe you have some tips you can give her!



Hope that helps!

Danielle - posted on 11/18/2009

I'm torn in this subject.

I believe that if you aren't parenting your child, then be prepared to have other people step in because someone needs to parent them. Passive parenting leads to nothing but problems. BUT, I do NOT believe that strangers should ever step in and discipline your child. They should come to you, the parent. Friends on the other hand, who see your child often, and know where their faults (not listening, back talking, violent acts) are different. If you don't parent your child, you should expect that a friend who notices your lack of parenting will step in.

I haven't always felt this way.

I know a couple who don't discipline their child at all. They are very passive towards their now 4 year old. When they tell him "don't play with your happy meal toy till your done with your nuggets", the child waits 30secs and then grabs the toy. The parents see this and just dismiss it... even later changing their 'ruling' by saying "don't slide that toy across the table while were eating". I normally just ignored their lack of discipline (and parenting for that matter) until I took their son to work with me one day as a favor bc their babysitter was not available. I was a nanny for twin 18month old boys and had been since the boys were 6mo. I had put the twins in bed for a nap and told the then 3year old "I'll be right back, I have to use the potty. Wait right here in the playroom and we'll play and game when I get back". I was LITERALLY gone 30secs and I hear this bloodcurdling scream from both the twins. I ran in and the older boy was standing near their beds, just standing there. I immediately asked what happened and he says, "nothing." When I bent down to comfort them, both boys had scratch marks down their face and were bleeding. The older boy actually when in there and scratched them under the eyes and down their cheeks, purposely hurting them. I was in shock that a three year old could and would do this. I begged the 3yr old to tell me what happened. He denied and denied, saying nothing happened and I don't know. I took him in the other room, put him on the couch for time out and told him not to move until I came back. I went back into the twins room and held them as they screamed in pain in order to comfort them. I was in such shock that I cried hysterically because this three year old did such an awful thing to sleeping babies. When I had calmed down (about 3-4 mins) I went to the room where the older child was and he was gone. He had left his seat and gone into the playroom to play like nothing had happened. I was so angry but moreover his parents because this could have been prevented with disciplining him beforehand. (I'm sure this wasn't the first time something like this happened). Needless to say, I called his parents and told them what happened and that they needed to come get their son. And of course, they went with the "oh it was an accident", "he didn't mean to," "are you sure he even did it," which of course made me even more upset with their lack of parenting. After that when I was around the couple and their son and I'd see such behavior (not listening, back talking, violent act) I'd step in. Either to tell him "no" or to make sure he did what he was suppose to be or not suppose to be doing... 98% of the time while his passive parents were near by.

So, in response to your question, if your child is a repetive offender and is continuing to to the same act over and over, you should except people who see this to step in and discipline him because if not, he'll just continue.

If you honestly feel that your child is being punished for nothing, then talk with the other parent. Tell her that you would prefer to discipline your child if he's doing something wrong and that if she has a problem that she needs to come to you.

Sherrie - posted on 11/18/2009

Agreed. Disciplining someone else's child while the parent is there is inappropriate. If they feel the child is misbehaving and you don't do anything about it they should address it with you first.

Charlotte - posted on 11/18/2009

I hate other people doing it. Me and my daughters dad have been separated for nearly all her life.. i got a new partner last year who although i really loved i didnt like him telling her off. It got to the point where he felt i was against him and wouldnt support him so didnt last! Being a single mum i have always had to do it on my own and couldnt get used to it! I wish i had supported him now cos obviously for us to last he would turn into a father figure who would need to discipline her!! Wish i found it easier!!

Melissa - posted on 11/18/2009

I agree I'm in that situation a lot and I feel the same way. He or she is my child I will do the yelling lol

Amber - posted on 11/18/2009

It depends, if I am at my home I will not hesitate to enforce my rules at my home. Expecially if the parent is not dealing with their own child. If I am at a friends house and their child is bieng mean to mine, I will not hesitate to firmly tell them that if they cannot play nice to go find something else to do. Most kids will listen better to another adult expecially if you know how to talk to a kid in a way that they can understand that you are serious, better than thier own parent. I woulkd not spank or hit anyones child but I would not hesitate to put them in a corner. I have found that most of my friends appreciate another person teaching them boundaries, becuase they sure as hell dont listen to their parents. But i say it is my right expecially at my home to let each and everkid that comes over know my rules and what will happen if they break them. if you kid want to be an animal at their house fine, but that dont fly at my house! Or when it comes to my child bieng messed with.

Lydia - posted on 11/18/2009

I don't mind if my friends telling my child with the right way, soft spoken but it absolutely wrong when my friend yelling my child like that. tell her what is in yr heart...

Noemi - posted on 11/18/2009

I agree with you. Also, If it's bothering you, I think you should speak to your friend about her behavior because not only is it affecting you but it's affecting your child to have her yelling at him. Your his Mom, so you should take control since your right there anyway.

Michelle - posted on 11/17/2009

i most definately think it is wrong for someone else to discipline your kid/ kids.. no matter what it should be your responsibility to handle whta your child is doing and has done... and i know that if someone else tried to say something or smack my son, i would have to say an earful to that person who did it.

Tara - posted on 11/17/2009

That is wrong period...especially b/c u are standing right there...I would have a nice talk w/your friend and then if it doesn't get any better...go from there on what u think should come next :)

Amber - posted on 11/17/2009

Yeah let them know not to ever talk over you when it comes to discipling your kids. It sounds like shes yelling, so thats what shell get back when her kids grow, so maybe u should start there w her, then let her know that u have ur kid, u dont need her help. If your kids r doin something to hurt themselves or other, and your not there, yeah, but to mind her own business otherwise.

Tiffany - posted on 11/17/2009

I don't like it at all, especially when the person who does it doesn't even have kids. This is a constant battle between me and my cousin, she always yells at my kids and she loves to do this in my presence. She feels as though she has done a better job than me at parenting when, hello, she's not a parent. Furthermore yelling at kids doesn't make anyone a parent. We get into it all the time because of this, I don't bite my tounge because those are my children she's yelling at. I discipline my kids just fine no one needs her two cents, and I let her know that.

Dici - posted on 11/17/2009

I definitely wouldn't let any of my friends speak to my kid that way. I would tell her how you felt. It's not right. You don't speak to her kid that way. She should do the same.

Jillian - posted on 11/17/2009

Patricia,
It is really hard to say because my daughter is 23 months old and my friend that I spend a lot of time with has a 4 year old who is BAD and sometimes before my friend Raven can get a chance to tell her daughter Kaliyah to stop doing something to my daughter I do because I don't want her to hurt my child who is smaller. But I can see where your coming from because it is your child but you don't say the ages or anything so it is kind of vague but in my situation I correct Kaliyah because my friend has given my permission to so that my daughter doesn't get hurt or cause rift between us if something did happen. I hope everything works out just remind your friend that they are kids and that if you don't feel comfortable with her discplining your child you have to say so.

Seska - posted on 11/17/2009

i think there is a way to discipline another persons child and then there is a way not to do it but you cant be that close of friends if you dont want her to discipline your child ... i know anyone i let around my child i trust and i dont tell people well you can discipline her but you cant if she acts up and i dont see it then by all means discipline her but they better do it the same way i would of , i guess i live somewhere that everyone does that so its not that big a deal i think you need to speak up if you cant stand up when someone does something you feel is not right to your child how do you think your child feels , he/she sees how you react to it just think about the whole situation... watch who you have around your child or who you leave them with but if you dont tell her something who will defend your child ? the child ... then it will provoke her

Amy - posted on 11/17/2009

Both my husband and I were raised with the mentality that we should generally respect any adults in our lives and so our aunts, uncles, teachers, parents' friends, etc were all welcome and encouraged to lend a hand in disciplining as long as it adhered to how our parents were bringing us up. We feel that it is best to instill that kind of general respect in our daughter and any future children and so that's how we do things. However, we do have a gentle approach to discipline and would not abide hitting or name-calling. Also, I know I personally will not hesitate to pull my nieces aside for a time-out if they injure my daughter because my brother does not provide any meaningful discipline.

I think that making sure you're on the same page with anyone whom you and your child spend a lot of time together is for the best. It's totally fine if you don't want someone else to discipline your child, but make sure you're on the same page about ground rules and what you are and are not uncomfortable with.

Samantha - posted on 11/17/2009

I completely agree with you!! I have a few neighbors that are the same way, and it bothers me too no end. Actually I have gotten into a few arguments with some of them. If I ask you to watch them than it is one thing but when I am RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU than it is my job. I hate that it almost makes me feel like they think I am incompetent. There was on neighbor that yelled over me or with me almost, when I was disciplining she would step in that drove me crazy three times before I snapped on her about it.

MaryBeth - posted on 11/17/2009

truthfully it depends on what he is doing i dont mind if it is something that is going to end up with someone hurt but that is the line if he is just being naughty then i take care of it i have the same problem as you with my son i just talked to my friends about it and everything went much better after that.

Rachel - posted on 11/17/2009

There are times when I think that is ok. Example: When my child is in immediate danger of hurting herself or someone else. Sometimes as a parent we're quick to tell a child no without caring whether its our own child or not. And maybe thats why she does that. I deal with it all the time. Between my family and my neighbor. Sometimes its very nerve racking. Especially when they try to discipline your child in a way that you wouldn't. I definitely think you should say something. It does sometimes help. However some people just don't care either.

Alison - posted on 11/17/2009

She definitely should sit back for a moment before trying to discipline your child. A child doesn't need to be yelled at. Especially from someone who isn't any sort of parental figure to them. Next time she does it. You should cut her off. (not rudely) but take control of the situation. Directly talk to your son over her. To let her know you have everything under control without her. Maybe she will back off after a few times without having to be confrontational about it.

Roseanne - posted on 11/17/2009

Quoting Patricia:

When my son does do something I have no time to respond, before her. I'm not the kind of mom to just sit back and let my child beet on the other child. lol. Just with this mom, she is so protective of her child. She has made my son cry a few times because he's not used to being disciplined by anyone but my husband and me.

maybe so but you have had no need to discipline him she still has no call to e like that with your son i would be upset if someone done that with my daughter

Anne - posted on 11/17/2009

I think any one with kids has some one at some point do it, and I think it drives us all mad. For me its my mother in law and my grandmother in law that do this and it usually ends in arguments either with them or my husband. I think its wrong for some one to discipline your child if your there, i feel its your job and no one could do it better then you could, no matter who does this we should all tell them how we all feel about it weather its you friend your mom, in-laws, or any one else for that matter.

Hollie - posted on 11/17/2009

My brother in law often tried to do that when I let him, my sister and their 3 boys stay here for 5 months. It's different if she did something bad, and he went to talk to her to tell her that was bad (she's 2), but he'd often would raise his voice at her and would get real snotty. His excuse is, he had 3 sons that he was use to yelling at. I told him well good, she's not your son, that's now how I ever corrected her nor is it going to start. I believe there's a proper way on telling a child if they did something bad and correcting them, talk it out with them and give them time out, yelling and hitting will only make them afraid of you, and what will that accomplish? nothing.

Johnnett - posted on 11/17/2009

I guess its the situation and the person doing it and reasons Y. I for one would not let anyone yell at my kids,but telling them what they are doing is wrong Im okay with. I do believe that people shouldnt parent other peoples children, but if you doing something with the best intentions then I guess there is always a way to do it.

Delisha - posted on 11/17/2009

well if im at a friends house then if her lil girl does something i say no i do babysit her so. but she will tell my son no... but we dont spank or anything...i think that is ok. but now if we r out and about and a stranger says somthing o ya i would tell them off.

but i guess its the person....but in the end he is my kid and im the one who disciplines him.

Christine - posted on 11/17/2009

I totaly agree I hate that my family always dose that to me I get so mad its the most rude thing ever!!!!

Nicole - posted on 11/17/2009

You need to remind your friend that you are your sons parent. Tell her that it is very inappropriate for her to discipline your son let alone yelling at him. It is crucial that he understands that you are the authoritative figure in his life right now and such behavior from her cannot be tolerated in your friendship. Your son is NOT to be yelled at by her or anyone for that matter. If it is a situation where your son has a problem with keeping his hands to himself than that is an issue that needs to addressed by you and only you (and or the father).

Shawn - posted on 11/17/2009

I don't jump all over the kid in a split second but I do get after kids when their parents don't. At our local mall there's an indoor playground and there are constantly kids that are too old and big to play there. I don't go over to their parents and ask them to leave but if they step on or run over or push my 2 1/2 year old, I count to 5 to see if their parents are going to say anything then I step in. usually I just say, "You don't push other kids", or something like that. I also believe in teaching by example. I don't let my son climb up the slide because it blocks the way for the kids that want to slie down. Anytime he starts that way I tell him, "Michael you need to go UP the steps and DOWN the slide." I can't count how many times I've heard parents say, "Oh...yeah I guess you should go up the steps too" to their child after. Bottom line, if my kids involved and you aren't going to do anything you bet I'm speaking up.

Amanda - posted on 11/17/2009

I'm sorry- but I totally disagree with everyone- I'm a teacher and I see every day children doing unacceptable things and the parents are standing right there watching them do it- I would say you don't yell at someone's kid RIGHT away- but if the behavior continues and you think they need to be told you should talk to the PARENT. Don't address the child - it will not accomplish anything- you need to speak to the parent. On Saturday I sang at a wedding nad a little girl was running up and down the aisle of the church- (she was the flower girl) She was making so much noise that the accompanist and I couldn't hear ourselves and we were right next to each other- NONE OF THE GIRLS family said anything to her- so I finally went up to her and told her she wasn't aloud to run in church- the family thanked me afterwards because they owned up that they have a hard time diciplining the child and said sometimes for her it takes a stranger telling her how to act to get it into her head.

Jillian - posted on 11/17/2009

Yelling? No thats your child. But if My boys were doing something wrong and I don't see it, thats different. I wouldn't expect her to yell, but tell them no and then tell me what happened.

Pam - posted on 11/17/2009

I'm a big fan of "it takes a village" and all but it's best to let you discipline your son if you're standing right there. Unless, your son is extremely agressive like the Hulk or something, then she's only making him feel badly. And in that case, you may want to consider having less playdates especially since you mention that she's made your son cry before.

Personally, I don't mind others correcting my children in my presence if I'm preoccupied. However, it's the manner in which they do it. Being rude and/or nasty is unacceptable. No one has the right to make children feel badly about themselves.

Ashley - posted on 11/17/2009

I dont think that is right for them to do that. But with my kids when i take them to someone elses house i discipline them but my son is hard headed and if i tell him no he knows we are not at home so they need to tell him no to. Not having to yell though. I think you need to tell her that he is your son and you can discipline him yourself.

Lin - posted on 11/17/2009

I think it would depend on the situation and how they went about it. If it were a life/death/safety issue, I would have no problem. I also wouldn't have a problem if they calmly talk to my child in a reasonable manner, or if they redirected my child from doing the undesirable behavior. However if it wasn't a crucial issue and it was screaming/hitting, etc., you bet I'd be saying something to them.

In the case of your friend, it would help to know the ages of your child and her child and how he is touching her child. Also, has she experienced a time when someone's child started to touch her child inappropriately (hitting, biting, etc.) and she waited for the parent to do something but nothing happened so her child got hurt? I'd try finding her rationale for not trusting you as a fellow parent to do what you should be doing.

Alicia - posted on 11/17/2009

I hate when people do that! If its my child then he is MY responsibility! And when he does something wrong... just like any mom should...I tell him no! But its like they dont get it or something. Next time yell at her kid and see how she feels, and then explain to her how you feel when she does it to your child!

Hilary - posted on 11/17/2009

I am a firm believer in you take care of your own. I agree and I think you should tell your friend that you can take care of it.