What happened after the split?

Camille - posted on 08/14/2011

Hi Jessica,
Yes a split will usually have costs to you and to your child. I had to weigh the costs of staying versus the costs of leaving. And once a choice is made to leave, one of the hardest things for a mom to do is take responsibility for the costs to herself and to her child, and ultimately know in her heart that she made the best decision for both of them.
I left because I was being emotionally abused, had no support and no help, and was getting burned out. Additionally, I wanted a life and career that I knew would never be supported by my partner. I knew that I would always be unhappy and perhaps even depressed, and that I wouldn't be able to give my son the love, support, values, and upbringing that I wanted to if I stayed.
Leaving an emotionally abusive man is probably the hardest thing to do. He used every avenue to try to get me to stay- threatened suicide, etc. And after he realized I was leaving for good and moving on, he turned bitter and vengeful, threatening to take away my son, to sue me, etc. It took a court stipulation and a year before I grew the strength to stand up to him and stop letting his tantrums affect me. The more I showed my strength, the less he abused. And now I have reached a point with him where we are communicating and cooperating to both try to parent our boy together.
The costs for my son were difficult as well. He went from having me with him every day and rarely getting attention from his father, to seeing me only 4-5 days a week and getting 200% more attention from his father. Plus he was 2 when I left, so he couldn't really understand things. He was angry with me for a while, he thought I was abandoning him, while he thought his dad was so wonderful because he was finally getting interaction from him. I still go through the pain of seeing how he idolizes his dad more than me, but I know ultimately he will eventually see the depth and endurance of my love, and that I am finally able to be the healthy, happy mom that I had the potential to be. He will also have the advantage of the values I can teach him and the lifestyle I can give him that is drastically different than those his father does. I believe his exposure to this will give him the best chance of being happy when he has to make his own life choices.

So sorry this was long, but it is a huge decision. And it helps to believe in your choice and even more to have support from family and friends. Good luck, and feel free to shoot me more questions :). I wish I had more advice and support when I was going through the tough times.
Camille

Amanda - posted on 08/13/2011

Well, Its hard to say, because everyone is emotionally different. My baby daddy and I split just before i found out i was pregnant. And it was difficult to even try to get along. Sometimes it's for the best. And theonly thing you can really do is stay strong for yourself and your child. Try and go out for walks or hang out with some friends. have a play date with other moms, or even bake :). Keep your mind off of it, But dont ignore the father either. Just let him know how the baby's doing if he'd like to know, or if he wants to see the baby, have someone with you ifyou dont feel comfortable enough to do it on your own :)