What if he dosnt come home?

Stephanie - posted on 06/11/2010

My fiance and I had a lot of problems after our daughter was born as well but one thing I did realize was that he would do more around the house if I actually acknowledged the little bit he was doing. I guess it got the testosterone "man of the house juices" flowing because he was suddenly wanting to do more for the pat on the head ("Oh good boy" lol) and I didn't resent him nearly as much.

Kelley - posted on 06/11/2010

I really like what the person said about picking your battles. As much as it sucks, marriages are work. You are two different people, and regardless of how much you have in common or agree on, you are going to think some things should be done differently, and you're going to have different opinions and strategies. I can say from experience that if you hold your tongue (as wrong as it feels) and pick your battles, and then stay calm when you do, the men pick up on the fact that you are arguing less often, and they will start to respond to that in their own ways.

Also, women and men don't operate the same, obviously, or we'd never have problems! lol! So him giving you kisses, and acting like it didn't happen is his way of letting you know he's sorry...now, I'm not saying that's right, I'm just saying that he might be trying.

Also, I am a christian, and I believe that we need to try to do what we can to make our marriages work. I think all too often, people are ready to say it's not going to work out at the first sign of difficulty (not saying you are, just in general) so I think it's great that you are at least willing to work on it.

Also, good luck with the counseling...your dh sounds a lot like mine, and mine won't even consider it. Oh, and we like to write eachother letters on the computer too because we can get across what we're saying without arguing and yelling. (((hugs)))

Dana - posted on 06/11/2010

I completely understand what you are going through. I have always had a hard time with my boyfriend, he seems so selfish and unhelpful. Whenever I ask him to help out there is always something more important for him to do. i know that he is a good person, but i don't know that he will ever grow up and take things seriously. I find it so hard even to think about leaving even during the worst times i guess because i don't want to break my family apart and i love him. But lately i feel that maybe it would be best for us to separate and i feel more confident about it everyday. As much as i always thought that my daughter would grow up in a home with both parents and as much as i still want that, i don't think i would be the best mother i can be if i can't be a confident, happy woman with my self-repect. I can't be a good example to her if i waste all my energy trying to get my boyfriend to make an effort . Him saying he wants to work it out isn't enough, actions speak louder than words. i have waited 3 years and feel like i have had enough.

One thing i tried that help me was to stop thinking about it and pretend i decided to leave him. i went and looked at apartments for just me and baby and i was suprised at how strangely liberating it felt. Don't make any solid commitments until your sure just see how you feel. Hope this helps!

Lori - posted on 06/11/2010

my and my husband had issues like this after my daughter was born we actually seperated when she was 8 months old for like 10 months. and it killed me but it was needed because he needed to get his head on straight and treat me like the mother of his child and not some nusance. so if you do not want to wind up splitting up yall need to take sometime to rekindle what you love about each other. Get your mother or his mother or whoever to keep the baby for the night and yall spend some quality time together, talking and laughing and growing closer to each other.

Crystal - posted on 06/11/2010

I'm sorry about what you're going through but I have to say that I'm relieved that other people have this problem too. My fiance and I made an agreement before my son was born that on the weekends he would get up with him so that I could get a little rest (since i'm not breast feeding) but now that he's born my fiance always gets really angry with me if I bother him to get up. It's hard to handle because i'm with the baby all the time and my fiance seems to be more of a hassle than helpful! The most irritating part of it all is he thinks he's HERO dad or something when really he's not even helping. After work he comes home and 'gives me a break' but i'm still having to get the bottles and warm them when the baby's hungry, change diapers, make formula, clean bottles, do laundry etc. I sometimes wish he would just GO AWAY

Sheryl - posted on 06/11/2010

sound like conc. would be good or even trying the love dear. if he don't want to go yet. then maybe later he would be willing. best of luck!

Sheryl - posted on 06/11/2010

the best advise i can give you is that. if you love him and want to make it work. take the words get out go sleep somewhere else. not use them anymore. i would call his phone and leave a message on his phone if he has one. and i would have someone come over and take your son somewhere else so you two can talk and not infront of him. casue that age it is not good for them to hear you guys mean stuff togather or just the fighting. there also a thing that i am doing with my husbend cause i want my marriage to work. its called the love dear. it goes on for 40 days. then also try to not take your stress out on him cause his more likely just has stressed out as much as you. just like he sound not do to you. one thing we try to do is set down every evaning or every once a week and just talk about everything. and we make it a rule to never raise are voice. plus instead of say well you this or you that. we say we feel or i feel like. hope that helps. marriage is not a cake walk that for sure. i have learned that. best of luck!

Katrina - posted on 06/11/2010

I swear this sounds like what me and my husband used to go through. He is also a spoiled brat. His mother and grandmother did everything for him (ironed, cooked, cleaned, you name it) We were always fighting about something. His solution was to just leave or say he wanted a divorce. Me being me I told him to go ahead (knowing I didnt mean it). Like you I tried writing stuff down and giving it to him but he always acted so nonchalant. Everytime I tried to talk to him about us he would tell me that I would be alright. My thing was how do you know if I'll be alright if you never ask me or you take advantage of the situation. He would also start a fight and then the next day act like it never happened and not talk about it at all. I dont really know when it changed to being ok. I think he had to see me cry and really hurt cause I was getting so frustrated. If you love him and know he is a good person just not a good husband yet keep at it.

Lydia - posted on 06/09/2010

Take a deep breath and have a cup of tea. It does no good to worry about all the big stuff until it happens so try to focus on the immediate problems of tidying the house and feeding the baby etc. If you have trouble try calling a friend over to distract you. IF he doesnt come home then just focus on that. What do you want to do about it - honestly. If you want to call and apologise then do that, if you want to take a night apart to think about things then do that. If you need to call someone for help Im sure there will be a family member or friend who will jump to your side if you ask. But for the moment try not to make yourself ill over things that havent happened. Things get dramatic when you have the stress of a young baby - more often than not a little breathing space is all thats needed to bring everyone back to play nice. I hope all things work out for you :)

Ashley - posted on 06/09/2010

Well he did come home. And acted like nothing happend. I cant live with things the way they are now. I tryed to talk to him but he kept on making jokes. I was feeling a little better so it was hard not to laugh at his crazy comments. I like the letter idea, but I'v done it before and all he dose is come over and give me a little kiss and say I love you too. Nothing ever gets salved. I dont want to give up yet. I'm a fighter. But how can I get him to relieze that just admiting we have a problem dosnt acualy salve anything. Arg. Maybe its time to really push the counseling thing. Hes always kind of pushed that away, but maybe if I do some reserch and find one he'll have to go. I believe that he needs to find his emotions. He dosnt seem to be bothered by anything. I also think that because I am the first "real" relationship he has ever had he has never been hurt by a girl and that makes it hard for him to appriciate me. He is also a single child that was raised just by his Mom and Grandma. They did and still do EVERYTHING for him. So I think he is soooo used to doing things his way no matter what. I dont know how to make him see that I'm a person too and deserve as much as he dose.

Kelly - posted on 06/08/2010

Have you tried marriage counseling yet? It can be very very helpful after the birth of a little one. It helped my husband and me tremendously. Don't throw in the towel until you are absolutely positive YOU want to quit. The words I read above indicate a woman who passionately loves her man, and if you love him, it's well worth trying to fix the small issues that push you apart.



I really think you should try writing him an email. Especially with what you said about him falling asleep when you talk. I think, sometimes when we talk, we are composing on the spot so our points get mingled, we jump from topic to topic and back again, and it can get long and tiresome. But if you write him a letter, then go back a few hours and read it, you will see how clearly you come across and can edit it to be short and succinct, and thus, keep his attention longer. Plus, it gives him the opportunity to think about it for a day or two and to re-read it whereas, he will most likely forget what you said, and remember only how he felt when you were saying it, if you just talk to him.



Please try that before throwing in the towel--I think you owe it to yourself to try everything before you give up.

Let us know how tonight goes.

Ashley - posted on 06/08/2010

Thank you so much ladies. I would never stay with him for my son. My parents divorse was the best thing to ever happen to me and my brothers. We have gone out alone. We cant do it for long because my son is breast fed and wont take a bottle. But things get better for the night and then start all over again. My husband has a VERY big problem with comunication. He wont talk and when I do he falls asleep. So I'm left feeling hurt and dissrespected. I just need to know if there is something worth saving. I like what Kelly said passionate fights indicate a passionate marriage. But what if its only passionate on one side? I'm not a quitter. But maybe there comes a time to through in the towel and say hay maybe some day some one will love me. Thanks again ladies you are all very sweet.

Rosa - posted on 06/08/2010

I completely understand...but are you holding on to the relationship because you are actually more afraid to know the truth like maybe he doesn't care as much as you do? I was more afraid that what I felt that he really didn't care was the truth. Ultimately it was he was able to just pack and move along. Do not stay in the relationship for the sake of your son....do not use him as the excuse to stay unhappy. I hope you work it out and if he loves you honey and cares for you he will come home tonight and you guys will have to figure out whether or not your relationship is worth the struggle couples go through sometimes. Wishing you all the best and sending you lots of love....

Kelly - posted on 06/08/2010

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}



You can blame most of it on the "new parent stress" for both you and hubby--emotions get out of control and tiny little spats turn into Earth shattering battles. Apologize for the harsh words (NOT for the context of the argument, just the mean things you said in high emotion), that will get you started.



The issue still needs to be resolved. Your family dynamic has changed and you are both getting into your new roles--there will be a lot to be worked out and a lot more arguments that seem insignificant, but if you ignore them, they will tear down your marriage.

Listening to each other is actually very, very important so I'll share the way I get my husband to listen to me, and ways we argue without letting the emotions get the best of us :)



Listening: Timing and wording are key. Don't ask him to do something while he is doing something else, and if he is watching TV, wait for a commercial (men do not multi-task as well as women, he'll forget). Also, make sure you ask right when you want him to help, not too early b/c he will forget.

Like, "Love, will you please empty the trash while I change Junior? Or would you like to take the diaper and I'll grab the trash?" Always ASK so it doesn't sound like you are barking orders at him or nagging--that emasculates men and makes them actually not want to do it just because he feels belittled. Also, always give him the choice and tell him what you are doing; he will feel lazy if he is resting while you are working your bum off, so he will most likely get up and do it then if he is not busy (but if you don't TELL him, he will never even notice what you are doing!).





Arguing: First off, I pick my battles. If it is something I can find a solution to and live with--like not putting his clothes in the hamper, or putting every thing he owns on our dinning table--I let it go. But important things must be figured out, so once I decide an issue is worth arguing over, I build my case: Why is it an issue? What can we do to fix it? Once I've got answers, I will bring it up with my husband or e-mail him.

I know it sounds weird, but if I think it will be a highly emotional argument, we argue via email. It works very well because I can outline all of my points and he can argue each point back without us interrupting and screaming over each other. Plus, when my emotions take over, my brain jumps out the window. :P



So I would recommend you call your hubby and apologize, tell him your emotions took over, you said somethings you didn't mean, and you want him here with you. As soon as you say that, he will say the same things. Both of you want to apologize, it's just hard to be first b/c it feels like loosing, but you are NOT loosing. Like I said, apologize for the harsh words, NOT for calling him out for not listening.

Once the apologies are finished, tell you you still need to discuss communication. From there, you can either give him a letter or, if you think your temper is good, you can talk about it. Remember, focus on SOLUTIONS to help him remember what you say (so you don't have to tell him the same thing a hundred times). Ask him what YOU can do different to help him--this will keep him off the defensive, and the conversation will eventually move towards what he can do different.



Hope this helps, Also, remember--passionate fights indicate a passionate marriage :) So don't give up.

Kayleigh - posted on 06/08/2010

aahhhh darling I am so sorry - listen we all have arguements and it is usually because men do not do their fair share of raising the children they help bring into the world. My husband and I had a few whn our son was younger because we all get short tempered when we are tired and then we snap at each other. I think you should ask a relative or a friend to look after your son for a night and arrange a night out for the two of you. Get all dressed up so that you feel like woman again instead of just a mummy and then go for dinner and talk about whet you both want. You may find that he just misses you - apparently most men start to feel jealous that the baby gets all of their wives attention so they tend to shy away from them. Go out and just be husband and wife, enjoy eachothers company without the responsibilty of taking care of your son. Then make time every week or so to be together without your son and a day where you all go out as a family - to the park or the beach so that he can enjoy his son outside the home. It worked for me - just set a little time asid for the both of you.