what is this site for?.....

Leanne - posted on 11/18/2010

i have been using various sites for advice and finding common ground since deciding to have children .



I think that the majority of people who post on them are asking something or wanting support.

If that same person was standing in front of you asking it, i would guess alot of people would try to be more constructive with they're opinions.

No one is born with all the knowledge it takes to bring

up our children, it is learnt.

I have learnt quite alot from using sites just like this one. Its a shame to read that people are feeling unsupported when they really need a kind word or helpful advice. We've all been there ladies x

Anna - posted on 11/17/2010

@avvy- when i say friendly i dont mean agreeing on what the OP is saying. friendly is not making them feel rotten about posting on here or asking for advice. you can disagree in a constructive way, not by tearing the person down.

reading the replies on this post it seems theres a fine line between replying in a constructive way and tearing the person down. why cant people be civil in their replies? no, im not saying you should agree, just get your replies across in a nice way.

Stifler's - posted on 11/16/2010

I haven't seen any posts where people haven't been civil. If there's any swearing or deliberate offensiveness the mods issue a warning. If people say "should I put rice cereal in my kids bottle" and someone says no it's a choking hazard or gives other reasons why not I don't see how that is being rude or unhelpful or tearing someone down.

Elise - posted on 11/16/2010

Simply put, this astonishes me. What are we arguing about here? Whether or not people should be decent to one another? Really? Perhaps it was how I was raised, or just my own personality, but I see no reason to be rude or hurtful to anyone, ever. It honestly makes me sad when I see women who should be building each other up, instead are tearing each other down. And for what? What is gained when you make someone else feel stupid or worthless?
I whole-heartedly agree that everyone is entitled to their opinions, and the right to express them, but I cannot believe that asking for civility in doing so is going to far. Ok, stepping down from my soapbox now.

Stasia - posted on 11/16/2010

should people really have to state "only friendly advice" in order for people to be kind? Isn't that ridiculous?
Someone can tell you how serious a situation is without it being rude. Besides, no one can come on here and pretend to be an expert on someone else's situation. It is all contextual. If you want to help then help, if you want to spurt off something to state that you don't agree with someone's methods and that yours are superior, then why are you doing that. Is it to make yourself feel better or superior or do you really genuinely care and want to help.
The whole idea that we have to ask people to be nice or else they may not be just seems sad dont you think? Enough of a rant, I just dont get it

Heather - posted on 11/16/2010

If anything is actually an attack on the OP or excessively offensive/mean then they have the option of reporting the post to the administrators. Otherwise it's all fair game. Should everybody try to be "nice" and helpful? Sure! But sometimes, people need someone to tell them how serious the situation is or put it in the perspective of another person. They're trying to get the OP to understand how their post sounds to other people. The OP has every opportunity to correct the perception if they so choose. If you want friendly advice, specifically ask for "friendly advice".

Avvy - posted on 11/16/2010

Advice is Just that advice. The women on this site,give advice ,state opinions and in general really try and be helpful. Now the clue here is your word Friendly. If friendly means always agreeing, you may be disappointed ,because there are times when we learn only through our differences.

Stifler's - posted on 11/15/2010

It's all I how you take their response. A lot of it is constructive criticism taken as offensive.

Stasia - posted on 11/15/2010

harden up, really? I like to hear people's opinions, but sometimes people state them in a rude way. There is no reason to treat a stranger rudely. I am not saying that anyone here has said anything rude, but haven't we all read posts where people are being attacked?
Anna was talking about those type of posts. No one here is asking anyone else to sugar coat anything. If you feel strongly about something, that's great!
If you feel strongly that you should breastfeed until two then state that, but that doesn't mean you have to call out all the formula feeding mothers by doing that. There is a big difference between being rude or careless of other mom's feelings and stating your opinion, or sharing information.

I don't know why anyone is defending being rude or hurting anyone else, I don't think we should be telling people to grow a backbone, nor do I think we should have to ask others to be kind in our question. Shouldn't we be kind to each other all the time? Dont we teach that to our kids? I think we should be asking the people that don't behave that way to find something more productive to do.

Stifler's - posted on 11/15/2010

I couldn't have said it better Jackie. Harden up people.

Jackie - posted on 11/15/2010

@ Stasia - I don't come on COM to get any popularity awards. If you post a question on here and I feel strongly about it, or I feel I'm knowledgeable enough to comment on a certain topic, then I will do so even if you may not like what I have to say. I'm not necessarily bitchy about it or rude but THAT is what this site is for to give different perspectives, right? I do not feel I have to sugar coat my opinions. I get what the OP was getting at but I hope everyone else sees what I'm getting at to. If you don;t have a backbone then maybe you shouldn't post about things that are going to get heated...

Anna - posted on 11/15/2010

@emma- thank you emma, i didnt know there was a debating mums forum, i'll certainly look at that.

i didnt see the post in question on debating mums, it was on young mums.



i think in all ive got my point across. thankyou all for commenting, i'll certainly keep it in mind.

Anna - posted on 11/15/2010

@laura- i know you were the one who started your reply with that, and if you say thats how you start all your questions then fair enough.

to me personally (im not speaking for anyone else) it sounded sarcastic and bitchy with what followed in your reply. i can see the innocent side of it now. i apologise.



@jennifer-

again stop. re read my replies. think. comment.

i have apologised twice now for my "caps lock comments" would you really like a third?.....

Donna - posted on 11/14/2010

Most people ask questions to learn from one another and people just want to do what is best for their little ones. No One should be bashing anybody!!!

Medic - posted on 11/14/2010

I think its funny that you jumped down my throat for posting what I felt, yet you are totally entitled to TYPE IN CAPS at me assuming I didn't understand your post which I clearly did. I just happen to not agree but shame on me for not conforming to your train of thought. You are just assuming that because I don't agree that I am speaking in a rude tone of voice which is very untrue. But it is awfully easy to take what you want from anything and twist and turn it to make anyone but you in the wrong.

Stifler's - posted on 11/14/2010

i'd also like to point out that debating mums is about debating the issue, not agreeing with everything the OP says.

Heather - posted on 11/14/2010

Just because someone doesn't agree with you or doesn't see your point of view doesn't mean they're judging you either. It just means they're telling you how they'd handle the situation or how they feel about it. If you feel judged, that's on you and how you're reading into the post.

Isobel - posted on 11/14/2010

well...after the kind, sound advice I did lose it for a while.

Isobel - posted on 11/14/2010

I was the person who said "riddle me this batman" It's my favorite way of starting a question...and if you find it offensive...you are in the wrong place.

I was a little short in that thread because (if you read my first post, which you clearly didn't) that thread was a second posting.

The original thread was in a group called Debating Moms, I was nothing but kind, and encouraging and I gave VERY sound legal advice as I am a divorced mother and have been through a lot and I know what it's like.

The poster then AT EVERY TURN explained why she couldn't visit the child, why it wasn't worth their time to visit, why they couldn't afford gas blah blah blah.

So much to my surprise when it was posted here...those details were left out...and I called her on it.

Jayde - posted on 11/14/2010

I think people should maybe think about how they would feel if they were talking to any one of us face-to-face. I very much doubt people would be so nasty if a mum asked you an honest question epecially if they were a first time mum. Many people come on here for all your advise because your experienced with your own children & plenty of them will read your comments & take them to heart. Like other posts have said if the poster wants just helpful comments, be nice. If they want honest opinions, then let loose...

Leah - posted on 11/14/2010

your very welcome.

Anna - posted on 11/14/2010

thank you leah.

Leah - posted on 11/14/2010

Yeah I feel that people shouldn't be bitchy when they respond. They should be nice about it. All we come on here for is to ask for advice so why downgrade us about whatever situation we need advice on. We all are moms and have needed to grow up with having kids,whether we are young moms or first time moms in their 30's. So please people act mature and be respectful of someone. That's all they want from you.





I understand you Anna. It seems that people only really pay attention if YOU TYPE IN CAPS. People like to get under each others skin sometimes. I rather try to ignore it,but you cross the line by bashing me or insulting my parenting,I will be the ugliest and meanest person you'll ever meet. I realize that every mother out there is in a different situation and when they can't turn to family or friends for help,they turn here and they shouldn't be judged but they should be talked to with kindness and respect as any mom I know would want that. It's not bad to have an opinion but it is bad if you tell that opinion in a mean way and bash that person. Just be nice to them. You will never fully know what they go through every day. Everyone should be treated with kindness.



"Never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes"

Anna - posted on 11/14/2010

thank you stasia. i did apologise for my comments because they were a little out of order. but i think people now get the jist of what im trying to say.

Latia - posted on 11/14/2010

i agree!! i havent had that happen to me yet..i'm new here but this is very encouraging

Stasia - posted on 11/13/2010

Carolyn, it was okay for her to get frustrated because someone was aiming a rude comment at her.

She is asking that people be kind to each other and I personally think it's ridiculous that anyone would give her attitude for that.

Anna you are right, people need to think. Unfortunately some women are really bored at home and like to start drama on the computer for something to do. Lovely isn't it?

Stasia - posted on 11/13/2010

Jackie Rae, why does a mom have to comment when she has something negative to say? Why can't the mom who disagrees with something just leave it alone and be the bigger person? We can't and shouldn't judge someone based on a few sentences so why should we feel that strongly about a question another mother asks?

Bonnie - posted on 11/13/2010

Honestly, yes I believe people on here need to think before they comment or give advice, but at the same time, a person can't post for advice and expect to only hear what they want to hear. It's not gonna happen. Each and every person has their own experiences and thoughts.

Heather - posted on 11/13/2010

I've seen several posts that ask for advice and opinions about a situation and the best advice people can give the person is to Butt out of the situation. It's not mean or rude, it's the truth. The truth can be harsh and tough to hear, but some people need to hear it. This site has all kinds of purposes. There are sites for debating moms, lesbian moms, jewish moms, and stupid moms(j/k lol). Something for everyone. Sometimes I wish posters here would use common sense and stop asking questions like, "my child is vomitting and has a fever of 103...should I call a doctor?" I really wish people didn't post crap like that because I then feel obligated to check to see if this twit actually called the doctor or if she just stayed on the computer while her child vomitted and ran a fever. Everything on here is about perspective, but it's really not your place to critisize what anyone says unless it's directly said to you. :)

Nicole - posted on 11/13/2010

You take a risk when you put yourself out there asking for advice. That is the reality of the situation.

If you are feeling fragile, put that in your post and request that people be gentle in their responses. You will get fewer comments but they should be closer to what you were looking for.

Carolyn - posted on 11/13/2010

im sorry , im not bashing anyone, noone here is looking for support or advice, its some good old conversation. so i dont see how i am making her point ...



im jsut trying to make a point that there are resources out there other than circle of moms, she asked specifically what this site is for. speeking directly about circle of moms and then says to me that someone wouldnt know about legal aid if they didnt ask ( implying asking on this site). sorry, im just being honest. people got their information before circle of moms exsisted. if my being honest is rude and bashing then so be it.



she asked me a question, i answered it.





and furthermore, look at anna's posts. she herself got pretty rude, after getting frustrated over someone's post, so tell me exactly why is it okay for her to get snotty out her own frustration, and other people not to react in there own ? after all that is what this thread is all about right ? tolerance ? keeping your mouth shut if you cant say something nice or say in a nice way ?, and yet the OP cant even do it herself.



but thanks have a nice day



** edited to clarify some thoughts

Nikki - posted on 11/13/2010

Anna- This is a place to chat and take things with a grain of salt. It gives you different perspectives on a topic! I agree with you, people should think before they post. More often than not some people come on here just looking for some compassion or to plain vent and get a rude comment! I get that here and momslikeme.com. But then people like Carolyn just make your point! Again, take it with a grain of salt and know that people are just rude. Being a mom can be hard and knowing someone is going through the same thing. Sometimes all you need is a virtual hug when someone agrees with you! Maybe post in your questions that rude comments are not appreciated but constructive ones are. Best of luck and hang in there! Bree and H.J H get it :)

Carolyn - posted on 11/13/2010

dont be so helpless. look in a phone book, google shit . i mean really , if you have access to circle of moms you have access to the wealth of information on the internet like offical websites maintained by the professionals. i mean seriously .........................

Anna - posted on 11/13/2010

@carolyn- how would i know legal aid exsisted if someone didnt tell me about it?......
and as for my CAPS LOCK COMMENTS i apologise, it frustrates me when people dont read my post properly then get all bitchy with their replies.

H.J - posted on 11/12/2010

I agree whole heartedly with you Anna, too many people post with out thinking about other peoples feelings. I have been called names on here but it is water off a ducks back to me because at the end of the day I'm gonna switch off the computer and return to my real life!

Stifler's - posted on 11/12/2010

Some people ARE looking for pity and for someone to tell them they are right, not for constructive criticism or advice. That's why they post stuff that sounds pathetic and make their lives sound heaps dramatic and horrible and then defend their husband/friends/MIL later on in the thread when people say to leave or that he is an arsehole.

Carolyn - posted on 11/12/2010

ah and yet your cap locks and comments to jennifer are right in line with your posts.



i get it now... yes that was sarcasm.



practice what you preach. that post came across as pretty bitchy to me.



i see this site as a tool for mom related things. to get advice on mom related things., baby stuff, what color of poop is normal , what are fun things to do as a young mother, resources etc.



i do not look at this site as a place to get therapy and advice from unqualified people and air my dirty laundry. and discuss highly personal matters. you never know who is reading this site, its not private.



if you need legal advice see a lawyer or legal aid, or do some research, if you need therapy , find a counsellor , therapist or psychiatrist. you dont come on a forum made of hundreds of thousands of people who are in cyberspace and expect them all to be supportive, polite and what not. you are going to get exactly the way people think, some people are nice about the way they say things and some arent. if you arent ready for it all, then may not post in the first place as someone else said. or , maybe use the forum appropriately and not air your trauma and laundry , not everyone is going to be sensitive to you and hold back.



i am often shocked by some of the posts i read and the highly personal and intimate information people are putting out on the internet. sometimes it really amazes me.

Anna - posted on 11/12/2010

thats what im trying to say bree.
i read a post on this site where a girl was asking for advice and all she got was sarcasm and bitchiness. that absolutely disgusted me, especially when she was only asking for some support and advice.

welcome to the forum.

Bree - posted on 11/12/2010

I think Anna is asking for compassion towards other humans, not trying to rid the forum of free speech. I'm guessing (okay, assuming...which is never good...) that someone said something at sometime that hit a nerve.

Maybe we can just all agree to not be cyber bullies.

Maintain your opinion without completely tearing someone down just to make yourself feel better.

I'm not saying that's been done, I just got here last night lol...but in general it's a good policy...especially in light of all of the anti-bully campaigns.

Anna - posted on 11/12/2010

@jennifer- STOP.

RE READ MY POST.

THINK.

THEN COMMENT.



did i say i want peoples opinions policed?..... no.

i said IF YOU DONT AGREE WITH THE POST, are you with me so far?.... EITHER DONT COMMENT OR COMMENT IN A CONSTRUCTIVE WAY WHERE YOURE NOT GOING TO UPSET THAT PERSON IF THEY ARE ASKING FOR ADVICE. yes?



the reason people come on here is for advice, like me, where i was in pieces over my 2yr old daughter being hurt by my boyfriends ex's 12yr old daughter and when i reported it to the authorities i was made to drop my complaint because my boyfriends ex threatened to stop him from seeing his daughter. it went to court. i had people parked outside my house intimadating me. i was threatened in the street. i was forced out of my home. i had to leave my boyfriend and move away. i had no one else to talk to so i came onto circle of mums where i found helpful advice aswell as CONSTRUCTIVE critisism. i was never verbally abused by nasty thoughtless people.



so, again, what is this site for?...

Medic - posted on 11/12/2010

I don't think you or anyone has the right to try and police others opinions. If you can't handle "honest opinions" then don't ask for them, if you just want people to sugar coat and worry about upsetting you tell them. It is not my job to make sure YOUR feelings are not hurt and if you are so fragile then maybe you just shouldn't put yourself out there rather than trying to tell people they just shouldn't post.....now doesn't that sound hyprocritical??? Just as you or anyone has the right to post whatever you want the rest of us have that same right to respond however we see fit.

Anna - posted on 11/12/2010

@jackie- i agree whole heartedly that everyone has there own opinion, but if people are going to get their opinion across in a bitchy way then they shouldnt really comment.

thankyou all for reading this post though.

Anna - posted on 11/12/2010

i agree with all of you but like jade, i read a post where someone was looking for support, and all she got was sarcastic comments like "riddle me this...."

that can really knock someones confidence and certainly upset them.



a year ago i was having awful problems and i asked people on here if i was right to feel this bad or if i was being silly. i was extremely vulnerable and the slightest critisism or judgemental comment set me off.

i asked for honest opinions and i got honest opinions. some i didnt agree with and some i did. the ones i didnt agree with were put in a constructive way, not a sarcastic way! so my point is if you dont agree with the post either dont comment or comment in a constructive way where youre not going to upset that person if they are ASKING for advice.

Amanda - posted on 11/12/2010

Well with everyone's different opinions it raises controversy, and unfortunatley people can't hold back their opinions unless they just don't post. I try to be as nice as possible while stating my point but I know what you mean, some people on here are getting pretty mean, but that's life I guess. You either choose to agree or disagree and state why, I don't think you need to bash or be so mean when stating that but other people may think differently. No one is going to judge me but God, and so I'll listen to what others say but like my mom says "Let it go in one ear, and out the other" Lifes too short! :)

Lacye - posted on 11/12/2010

there are going to be people like that in all of the boards. just like real life. just have to remember that a lot of times, the rude people just don't really matter. they can have their opinions and say whatever they want, but on a board like this, only you know what kind of person you are at the end of the day. not any of these ladies and surely not me. but it happens.

Isobel - posted on 11/12/2010

You can choose what kind of feedback you want when you start a thread...I find that when people specifically state that they are looking for support, they don't get the hurtful comments.

If you state that you are looking for honest opinions though...look out, because everybody has different views of the world, and people can be brutally honest when hiding behind their computer screen.

Another thing that you need to realize is that some people on here have a history...they have posted similar topics more than once and are choosing to give you only a piece of the information and not the whole story...other people who know them will often call them on leaving out unfavourable details.

There used to be a woman who posted constantly about how aweful it was that Children's Aid kept "hounding her for no reason" but in other threads she used to talk about hitting her baby and biting her and feeding her ice cream for breakfast.

When you are new to a community it can take a while to get the lay of the land...I know I was shocked to find that some of the people who I thought were the meanest turned out to be the nicest...and vice versa.

Jade - posted on 11/12/2010

i read a post the other day that people were apolled by a girls post, i read all the the replys that were there and i couldnt believe it. there was no support just bashing. like i already said i thought that this site was to support and give good feedback.
thanks anna it makes me feel better knowing that i wasnt the only one thinking the same thing. we dont know much about people who are posting and looking for others opinions but im sure they didnt posts so that people here can JUDGE then they do it to hear sincere OPINOINS

Jackie - posted on 11/12/2010

I understand where you're coming from. But here's is my thing... You are going to be dealing with a multitude of different people, different opinions, different cultures, different attitudes. You cannot come on here and expect everyone to agree. If a mom feels strongly about a certain topic why should she sugar coat her feelings or opinions so she doesn't ripple the water? I agree nobody should be attacked. But be prepared that not everyone is going to have the same opinion.