What should I do about my sons father?

Jennifer - posted on 07/23/2012 ( 16 moms have responded )

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My son is 3 years old and has never met his father. I havent even spoken to his father since I was about 4 months pregnant. He thought I was cheating on him and it wasnt his child. He told me several times he wanted a DNA test, but he never went through with it. I have never filed for child support. But now that I moved out of my moms house and to a different state than his father lives in I want to file for support. I am worried about visitation. I dont want him to get visitation, for a few reasons. 1. He lives in another state, about 4 hours away from me. 2. he has never been present in my sons life. 3. When we were together he was really heavy into drinking and drugs, was very unreliable, and irresponsible. 4. He lives at home with his parents still, along with about 7 other people in the house. His dad(my sons "grandfather") has serious anger issues and I saw him in the past physically abusive to his other grandkids. Child protective services was called but since the children were already placed in his care by CPS they didnt look to far into it.

I know I want the child support from him, but I do not believe he should have visitation. My son already has a dad in his life who has been there since he was 6 months old. And is the only man he knows as his dad. Does anyone know if there is a way get child support but not allow visitation? Or possible take away his parental rights but still get child support? I know some people may think it is wrong to want his money but not allow his to see his child, but he has had 3 years to want to be involved and never tried. But I know I need the money from him.

So can I please get some advice. thanks everyone

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Janet - posted on 11/21/2012

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If you chose to follow this route, feeling as you do, I would be very careful. If the father pays child support he has every right to see his child unless you can PROVE him to be an unfit father. If he's as irresponsible as you say, he may not even have a job which is another matter all together. It doesn't matter what the other people he lives with are like, he can have visitation in your presence. Yes, he should be responsible for support, but you can't have it both ways. It takes an awful lot for a court to deem a parent unfit enough to have NO rights to their child.

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Joann - posted on 05/10/2013

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First things first,a number of you say that when you were with the fathers of these poor children they were into drugs,so does that mean you were into drugs too? Next, Melissa P.,you put lol after you say that your childs father is living with his parents now,why is that funny to you,haven't we all lived with our parents before and if we were to fall on hard times wouldn't that be the first place most of us would go instead of say a homeless shelter? It sounds to me like maybe a large portion of you girls are more of the problem than you care or want to admit! Also, I live in Ky. and I work for the Jefferson Co. Attorney who's office handles everything child support/visitation related here in Louisville and no matter what if you file for child support at some point YOU MUST be in a court room,you CANNOT file for and complete the entire process through the mail,and if someone says different they are lying to you!!!! You girls need to grow up and stop blaming and bashing these men for everything,in fact I would bet that if you had to live with or be married to yourselves you would see things quite differently.

Denise - posted on 02/06/2013

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I am aware child support = visitation. No thanks to either. He can stay gone.

Sarah - posted on 11/29/2012

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My son is 2 1/2 years old and his "sperm donor", as I refer to him as, has never met him and doesn't even know he's a boy. He dipped out when I was 8 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend now is his father because he has been a part of his life, has been a part of his upbringing and has even provided financial support. So while child support would be nice, while I believe the sperm donor should provide that at the very least, I will never go after it because it does open the door for visitation. So my advice is examine your life, if you can do with out the child support then do without it because if you're not willing to share parental responsibilities (even though he obviously does not deserve them) then you shouldn't open that door.



As unfair as it is, even after that many years, if you go after child support he does have the right to fight for visitation. The legal system does not always fight fairly.



Other than that you could always speak to a lawyer first and see what the laws are for your state and if they help your case in anyway

Carrie - posted on 11/29/2012

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I can't imagine him wanting visitation after this long. I say go for the support if you financially need help raising your child.

Melissa - posted on 11/23/2012

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if you take away the parental rights i don't think you would still get child support and he also can't be forced to he has to basicly go to court and voluanter to sign his rights away....but i think there is a way to get child support without him getting visitation rights you would just have to go to court and tell them about the situation. and it is not wrong to want his money and to keep him away from the child....he created that child he should automaticly want to make sure his son is taken care and it should be his responsibility and priority and he shouldn't be able to see him cause he missed out on 3 years of your sons life and he is on drugs

Kathy - posted on 11/21/2012

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What most people are failing to mention here is child support and visitation are TWO separate issues. You can file for support and no visitation will be granted unless he files for it and pays the court fees. Even then it will take months and he would have to file where you live. Then you would have to go to court and you can request limited supervised visitation since he has never known your child. I understand how you feel my husband has been raising my son since he was 5 months old. His biological father wanted nothing to do with him his entire life and he is 4.5 and he just recently filed for visitation but child support has been set since 2010. Fathers can get visitation even if they aren't paying support court ordered or not. So making him support a child he helped create does not mean he will get visitation. If you need someone to talk to I'm here. Good luck.

Christa - posted on 11/21/2012

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State of Texas says Child Support = Visitation. Period. If you want him out of the picture, kiss the $ goodbye.

Yvonne - posted on 11/17/2012

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If you do not want the man in your sons life and he already has a dad then why try and go after the biological father for money? You can't have your cake and eat it too, if you decide to want to go after him for child support then you will have to deal with the fact that he may then want to exercise his right to visitation as well. If the "dad" in his life is so awesome then I'm assuming he is willing to adopt and has already been supporting his family financially. Honestly feel like the best interest of the child is to allow this man to stay out of his life. Most men don't change their mind later in life and all of a sudden want to be a part of their lives, this would just ensure he doesn't by law have to be.

Mellisa - posted on 07/25/2012

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I left my ex when our son was 19months. I now live in Kentucky and he lives in Indiana with his parents lol I had to file for support where I lived bc that is where the child lives. The state of Kentucky did the rest. I never had to appear in court or go up there for anything bc that is where all the court stuff was handled at. If they needed info the sent me a letter I filled it out and sent it back to them in the mail. Nothing was ever said about visitation. As of today it has been almost a year since he has seen his son or any of them have spoken to him or me. Now another thing My husband had a son who now lives now with us but at the time in Indiana and for him to file any custody agreement for him he had to get a lawyer in Indiana and file for it all there bc that's where the child lives. I think the two are separate issues

Melissa - posted on 07/25/2012

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There are child abandoment laws around. I know Ohio has them, my doctor told me about them. He told me do not encourage anything with my son's father after explaining everything to him. I didn't want visitation, however i knew i would love child support and i knew i needed it. However, what is more important- my son's safety or the cash. I know cash helps and i have been low income. However there are government agencies that are there to help too. I did get help and they asked about child support. I have not heard from my son's dad since he was just over a year and he is now 6 and he is not following the child support order! Yes there is one! I never put it in place. The government agencies did not either! Every time i heard from him every couple months until i got a notice in October 2006 i told him he asks for visitation i ask for child support. Well my sons sperm donor went to the child support office getting a child support order slapped on him and no visitation rights. He thought that's how you did it. He is farther and farther in debt and no visitation. That being said i have not heard from him, or his family since. I have followed every single thing in the child support order and he has not done 1 single thing. I am making sure i do everything because if it comes back to haunt me later i have advantage because i now live in canada 8 hours away with 2nd child and i hate driving on canadian highways! His sperm donor also has a criminal record so i don't think he can come accross to take him even though the canadian government told me that since we moved- when we did that my son's dad could pretty much take him away from me. Except the people saying that don't know how strong i am and all the evidence and people supporting me and how strong of a mom i am in protecting my son, i have the documents! Remember, you got to think what is most important!

Whitney - posted on 07/25/2012

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In my state, if the father openly chose not to be around for several years of the child's life, then he has no right to legal visitation but has to be financially responsible. It has something to do with abandoning the child. Look into legal advice. And if he has a father why not just have him adopt your child instead of complicating the child's life if his real father is allowed visitation.

Maretta - posted on 07/25/2012

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I think that you should file for child support with supervised visitation and list the reasons why on the application and when you go to court and for the hearing and money part they will address that. I agree with Ms. Bucom it is not fair for your cild not to know their other half no matter how they have done you...I agree that it is not right for your child to be left in a location or situation that is not safe and as mothers we tend to be more protective, but if the guy is as unstable as you described he won't show up anyways and that gives you greater ground for getting sole custody of the child in the future..GOOD LUCK

Tanja - posted on 07/25/2012

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First off, I'm in a similar situation. My ex, the divorce will be finalized in less than a week!!! Anyhow, he's got major drinking issues. He's into drugs. I let him watch "our" daughter when she was 3 months old. She has RSV and could not go to daycare. At 1 month old, she was hospitalized for 3 weeks with bacterial meningitis. He was up there once. He left, came back drunk. I gave him the benefit of the doubt to watch her for 5 hours while i was at work. I arrived to pick her up, he was tweeking and had a beer in his hands. I wanted to stop him from ever caring for "our"daughter girls after that. Truth is you can't. He is the father and he has rights. I had it set up for family to be present during his visitations. Only select family of his that I trusted. Needless to say that I found out I couldnt trust them because they left. Leaving my girls' father in charge by himself. My oldest wound up in ER for consuming her grandmother's scitzophrenia (sorry, not sure how to spell that) meds and her sister (the sickly baby 8i talked of before) barely rolling and absolutely filthy. CPS got involved and gave me the legal right to refuse visitations until restrictions were implemented. There is no legal visitation rights set until court next week. Anyhow, the fact is, if he is the father, no matter what the faults, he has rights. You can chose the restrictions and get them legal in court. The only way to get the father to stay away right now is a protection order. BUT... If there is a child support order, he can and will get to see that child. The courts are the only ones who can strip parental rights, and it takes more than being who he is to strip them. The ONLY way to guarantee him losing parental rights is to have him sign away his rights and have it notarized. Otherwise, find a clinic that offers a "safe haven" for father's to visit with their children supervised. In my personal opinion, no child should be kept from his or her parents. One day, he might not be like that and he could do some good for your son. Step parents are as long as the relationship, fathers and mothers are for a lifetime.

Tearra - posted on 07/24/2012

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What you need to do is go to court and file for physical and legal custody and set visitation at your discretion. Then once that goes through then go and file childsupport. This will place visitation all on you so it will be your decision on the visitation. So you can supervise the visits and meet him where you feel comfortable if you would like the visits to happen and if not that is your choice not the courts saying when he gets the visits and how. Then if he wants visitation to happen he has to go to the court house where you filed to file for visitation which he will most likely not want to drive 4 hours to do so but if he does you will be notified of it through the court.

Michelle - posted on 07/23/2012

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If you seek child support he can and most likely will seek visitation. The courts don't generally allow you to give up parental rights unless there is someone else available to adopt and take on that responsibility if you take away his parental rights you don't get child support

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