What would you do if you found condoms in your husband's work bag?

Rhiannon - posted on 05/29/2011 ( 105 moms have responded )

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How would you react to finding condoms in your husband's work bag?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Brittany - posted on 05/30/2011

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IF you are still having doubts check-in on him. Go to his job with lunch one day. Show up randomly at his work. Check on him to make sure he is doing what he tells you. Check your credit card statements for hotel expenses. Do not hide any of this and should you catch him in the act DO NOT MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF. Be professional, be a lady.

EX: You show up at his work and his boss tells you he went to lunch. You track him down to a hotel and you catch him. Politely say "Sorry did not mean to interrupt just wanted to remind you that little Johnny has a baseball game at 4 p.m. tonight and I have a roast cooking for after the game. See you then." Turn around and walk out. Go home gather all of his stuff, pack it in a trash bag, set it on the front porch with a note and your wedding bands taped to the note. In the note write something like "We left early for the game because, we needed to pick up some drinks for the team. We will be at the ball field around 4."

Remember you need to be in control. Do not make yourself into an ass. Do not embarrass yourself or air your laundry for everyone to hear or see. Have respect for yourself and for your children. Do the right thing.

I can promise you I know this is easier said then done.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 05/30/2011

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Who cares why? She found condoms...... bigger issue at hand! Maybe it's as simple as her normal routine of sorting his paperwork out for hiim.... who cares anyway. When you are suspicious, either your husband is hiding very stupid things to you making you weary of him or it's a vital suspicion. Either way, they play too closely to trust issues and you just cannot have trust issues in a healthy relationship.. and it needs to be fixed so there is no more suspicion

Melissa - posted on 05/30/2011

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lorena bobbit had the right idea, i think! i can't think of any valid or logical excuse for any husband carrying condoms, especially in a work bag, outside of extramarital affairs. if they were for the two of you, they'd be at home, or in a shopping bag, not his work bag. some married couples do use condoms as opposed to birth control, so i don't know, but i doubt that's the case with the two of you. it's a very difficult situation, because i've "forgiven" cheaters in the past, but ultimately the inner disgust of them touching another while being promised to me is just too much to bear and i later break things off anyways. being the father of your children, that obviously makes things that much more difficult and heartbreaking. in all honesty, though, it's VERY rare that a man rebound from his cheating ways. i've seen it happen for short periods of time, with myself, friends, family members, where the man gets back on track, but after not too long he strays again. that's not fair to you or your children. it puts you at risk for sexually transmitted diseases (which 1 in 4 people carry, and most don't even know, and condoms are not 100% safe!!), it sets a bad example for your children (they're a lot smarter than we realize, and they understand a lot more than we expect them to). You don't want your daughters to think that infidelity is to be expected OR accepted. at the same time, he's the father of your kids, your husband, the man you promised to spend the rest of your life with ... i wish you nothing but the best. maybe marital counseling? i don't know anything about it, really, and i don't know anyone who's used it, but it's an option. my heart goes out to you and i hope you have the brightest outcome possible!!

Jenni - posted on 05/30/2011

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Confront. Catch him totally off gaurd and drill him like a professional interrogator. If we don't use condoms there would be little valid excuses for it especially considering they're in his work bag red flag.

If you really want to catch him in the act. Leave them there and keep checking his bag for the next month... write down the exp date/serial # and see if he uses them and replaces them with new ones. Underhanded, I know... but it would be helpful in gathering all evidence to prosecute.

If he had nothing but sad lame excuses that didn't add up or make sense.... I would seperate.

Mommy - posted on 05/30/2011

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So I just asked my husband about this, and his exact words were "If it was me? Well we don't use them, so there really is no explanation. Anything that guy says is bull****." The only reason I asked is because I tend to have a temper and wanted to know if there is a legit reason for it, and to make sure I wasn't being a crazy wife lol.
Sorry to say it girl, but your man is doing something sneaky. That is, of course, assuming you don't use condoms at home. I'm not saying leave him, because that's not always the answer, but definitly confront him.

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Amanda - posted on 07/25/2011

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My (now ex) husband said to me one saturday morning he needed to help his friends brother with his truck. After a couple hours I tried calling to see if when he would be home. He didn't answer. He was gone about 4 hrs. When he finally came home he went to take a shower and left his cell phone in the living room. I looked at it and called a non saved # he had called shortly after he left. It was a hotel in the next city. He lied constantly which is why I didn't trust his story. We are now divorced. Don't jump to conclusions unless he has regular stories that don't add up. Like my ex saying he was an hour late coming home because he stopped to eat and get gas...then proceeded to make a sandwhich. I went out to the car to go to the store and surprise...it was on E. So if it's a pattern...it's bound to be what you expect, but if lying is not a regular thing for him then wait until you know you have a clear head and wont get mad and ask him about it. Like earlier posters said, men's friends do strange things to their friends. I wish you luck!!

Amanda - posted on 07/25/2011

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My (now ex) husband said to me one saturday morning he needed to help his friends brother with his truck. After a couple hours I tried calling to see if when he would be home. He didn't answer. He was gone about 4 hrs. When he finally came home he went to take a shower and left his cell phone in the living room. I looked at it and called a non saved # he had called shortly after he left. It was a hotel in the next city. He lied constantly which is why I didn't trust his story. We are now divorced. Don't jump to conclusions unless he has regular stories that don't add up. Like my ex saying he was an hour late coming home because he stopped to eat and get gas...then proceeded to make a sandwhich. I went out to the car to go to the store and surprise...it was on E. So if it's a pattern...it's bound to be what you expect, but if lying is not a regular thing for him then wait until you know you have a clear head and wont get mad and ask him about it. Like earlier posters said, men's friends do strange things to their friends. I wish you luck!!

Amanda - posted on 07/25/2011

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My (now ex) husband said to me one saturday morning he needed to help his friends brother with his truck. After a couple hours I tried calling to see if when he would be home. He didn't answer. He was gone about 4 hrs. When he finally came home he went to take a shower and left his cell phone in the living room. I looked at it and called a non saved # he had called shortly after he left. It was a hotel in the next city. He lied constantly which is why I didn't trust his story. We are now divorced. Don't jump to conclusions unless he has regular stories that don't add up. Like my ex saying he was an hour late coming home because he stopped to eat and get gas...then proceeded to make a sandwhich. I went out to the car to go to the store and surprise...it was on E. So if it's a pattern...it's bound to be what you expect, but if lying is not a regular thing for him then wait until you know you have a clear head and wont get mad and ask him about it. Like earlier posters said, men's friends do strange things to their friends. I wish you luck!!

Tarina - posted on 06/16/2011

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Im gonna chime in about what you said your plans are now that you dug around and found his intent... You say youre going to just spring it on him and take his daughters... I think that is a mistake. You need to prepare your daughters for this, it will be life altering for them, and if you just up and leave one day and drag them away from their daddy, they will be VERY confused and angry. If you decide to tell them first, then you either risk them telling dad, or make the mistake of asking them to keep a secret from their father, which can damage that relationship... and im not talking about it hurting him. Im talking about confusing them about what trust is and having to choose sides between their parents. That is a HUGE mistake, in my opinion. Be honest with them, and be honest with him. Tell him you are leaving. Whether you give him a chance to change the things he is doing or not, you all need to prepare for the changes in your life that are coming. I say all this on behalf of your daughters, this is not something you can expect them to go into without time to understand.

Mommy - posted on 06/16/2011

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Wow, Rhiannon, he's a real D-bag. I feel for you. Be strong, and whatever you decide to do, whether to leave him or work on the marriage, do it on your terms.

Temper - posted on 06/16/2011

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Definitely bring it to his attention. Even if it was a friend or collegue who asked him to hold them. He must realize how incredibly stupid that was. I hope your husband isn't cheating on you, that is a horrible circumstance. If he is cheating, tell him all he had to do was tell you he was unhappy. He didn't have to go the extra mile in disrespecting you by cheating. He should have confronted you by saying that he is not happy with what is happening in your marriage. I hope you have the strength to do right by your kids & yourself.

Amanda - posted on 06/16/2011

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Wow Rhiannon, that is so not cool for your husband to do that especially you have 3 daughters so he's not only cheating you but your 3 girls as well. What a scum. Good for you standing up for yourself and leaving. He deserves to see your back now.

Nicole - posted on 06/16/2011

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I'm sorry Rhiannon. Hang in there, keep your head up high and do what's best for you and your daughters! Just remember that you are the biggest influence in your daughters' lives and you will show them how to let a man treat them. Let them see a strong woman who does what's best for her and doesn't settle for less than what she wants. Even when the decisions are difficult (which I'm sure leaving him will be, should you continue on that route), your daughters will see a their mother as a strong woman who maintains her dignity while making the difficult decisions that are best for her and her family. I think it is very important for children to be raised in a two-parent home if possible, but a more stable single-parent one is better than a bad two-parent one. You know the saying (I think it's Dr. Phil?): "Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one." If you decide that you can work through this, make sure your daughters see a confident woman who demands the respect she deserves and was able to forgive and NOT one that just stayed, forgave and didn't demand respect from her man for her efforts to repair the relationship. That is a very fine line and get counseling to help you do it right, if you decide to stay. Staying or leaving is up to you and make sure that whatever you decide, your daughters will be able to respect as they get older.

My mother stayed with my father throughout his cheating while we were growing up and she wasn't happy with it. While I learned a lot about the importance of marriage from my mother, I didn't learn how a good husband actually treats his wife. Luckily, after many failed relationships, I found a church, found couples in my church who respected each other, took me under their wing and taught me what marriage is supposed to look like. I just wish my parents would have given me that. Remember kids always internalize everything and if they see that your relationship is bad (which they will easily pick up on, even if you think you're hiding it), they will somehow blame themselves. I did. Somehow, it was my fault my parents had marital problems. It took years of counseling to realize that it was NEVER my fault. Thank goodness for those years of counseling!

You can do it! Whatever "it" is!

Nicole - posted on 06/16/2011

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I'm sorry Rhiannon. Hang in there, keep your head up high and do what's best for you and your daughters! Just remember that you are the biggest influence in your daughters' lives and you will show them how to let a man treat them. Let them see a strong woman who does what's best for her and doesn't settle for less than what she wants. Even when the decisions are difficult (which I'm sure leaving him will be, should you continue on that route), your daughters will see a their mother as a strong woman who maintains her dignity while making the difficult decisions that are best for her and her family. I think it is very important for children to be raised in a two-parent home if possible, but a more stable single-parent one is better than a bad two-parent one. You know the saying (I think it's Dr. Phil?): "Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one." If you decide that you can work through this, make sure your daughters see a confident woman who demands the respect she deserves and was able to forgive and NOT one that just stayed, forgave and didn't demand respect from her man for her efforts to repair the relationship. That is a very fine line and get counseling to help you do it right, if you decide to stay. Staying or leaving is up to you and make sure that whatever you decide, your daughters will be able to respect as they get older.

My mother stayed with my father throughout his cheating while we were growing up and she wasn't happy with it. While I learned a lot about the importance of marriage from my mother, I didn't learn how a good husband actually treats his wife. Luckily, after many failed relationships, I found a church, found couples in my church who respected each other, took me under their wing and taught me what marriage is supposed to look like. I just wish my parents would have given me that. Remember kids always internalize everything and if they see that your relationship is bad (which they will easily pick up on, even if you think you're hiding it), they will somehow blame themselves. I did. Somehow, it was my fault my parents had marital problems. It took years of counseling to realize that it was NEVER my fault. Thank goodness for those years of counseling!

You can do it! Whatever "it" is!

Madeline - posted on 06/15/2011

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You poor thing, I'm so sorry to hear this **HUGS** but at least you know the truth. I hope he gets his head out of the sand and starts fixing his mistakes, even though and we all know it is super hard to renew the trust back... But what you are doing is the right thing, your children need you and what you are doing for them is everlasting :) Good luck with everything. You are going to be angry and hurt and sometimes it takes some people to move on quicker than others, just make sure you have wonderful family and friends to be around you when you break down as you always need someone to curse with you and share your hurt... You are in power now, you are making the rules and you are for sure creating a whole new future for yourself and your children. God bless you sweetie, may your heart mend and for you to be happy, but it might just take time... xx

Monique - posted on 06/07/2011

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I would start packing his stuff. But if you are hopeing they are not his don't say anything put them back write down how many and the serial number and check to see if there is less or a new box then when you know for sure it would be a good time to leave

Danielle - posted on 06/06/2011

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I'm so sorry to hear the worst from this. I'm sure you will do what is best for you and your children. HUGS

Bonnie - posted on 06/06/2011

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Rhiannon, you are a strong woman! He will be in for a rude awakening, but that is too bad for him, isn't it?! Good luck and take care of your babies; they need you, but you also need them xo.

Jodi - posted on 06/06/2011

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Rhiannon, I am so sorry for you, and I wish you the very best. He doesn't deserve you. Hang in there and be a good mother to your babies, as you are doing, and if he truly cares about you, he will tell you the truth and want to try to work things out. But it sounds to me like that isn't happening right now. Best wishes.

Rhiannon - posted on 06/06/2011

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WOW what a massive response. Thank you ladies for all your support and posts i wasn't expecting such a big reaction :)

I asked him about them he gave me an excuse that i was very ify about so i decided to do a little digging around and im not sure if he has cheated but he is definately trying to. So i have decided that i am leaving him. i haven't told him yet and i will not tell him untill the day i pack myself and our 3 daughters up and leave. I am absolutely heart broken i have done nothing but cry since i made this decision.

I am so angry and hurt he has made me feel like i am worthless and that i am only here because he hasnt found anything better just yet.

Thank you to EVERY1 who has posted about this it is very much appreciated

NATALIE - posted on 06/05/2011

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MOST DEF. FILING FOR DIVORCE!!! WHY EVEN ASK ??? WHAT WOULD JUSTIFY IT?? HOLDING IT FOR A FRIEND...THATS NOT MINE. PLEASE U KNOW DAMN WELL WHY ITS THERE SAVE URSELF THE HEART & HEAD ACHES!!! REMEMBER IF U GIVE UR SPOUSE OR PARTNER A GREEN LIGHT(PASS) THE FIRST TIME THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN JUST MORE CAREFULLY!!!!

Summer - posted on 06/04/2011

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well it would worry me if i found comdoms in his bag and you know you don't use them, first of all I would ask him if there is something he needs to tell you and if he says no comfrot him on what you found in his bag , if he is a repectful man he will eithr admit something is up or have you tought maybe jut maybe he is using them to masterbate just a though , i have been told it make it not as messy for them , but def talk to him about it and he should be honest becasue honestly is the number one thin you have to have in marriage, never jump to conclusion be casue it only makes things worse in the long run

Mary - posted on 06/04/2011

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Starting an affair is the wrong answer, that's horrible haha! Trying to get even is never a solution...

Amanda - posted on 06/04/2011

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WOW definalty confronting him is a good idea...if it WAS me and my husband in this situation i would definatly know that they were his and being used by him so we would have an imidiate divorce..i think u should definatly figure out the facts and talk to him..everybody is giving great advice here and i hope that this is all a big misunderstanding but to say what i think..well my reaction would be to yell and scream and kick him out..

Elizabeth - posted on 06/04/2011

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In my case, I'd ask him why he had them. I'd also feel betrayed and probably wouldn't easily accept/believe any answer that didn't include cheating.

However, I couldn't imagine my husband doing that.

My father, however... my parents went through a divorce when I was 11. My mother never really got over it, and I think that's a shame. It wasn't her fault - my dad was like that. She was his second wife for similar reasons. If a man's going to cheat, it's not going to be because of you, it's going to be because of his own sense of desire versus honor.

I would say that I see a lot of angry "go confront him" posts, and I'd personally hold back on that. First, I'd sit down and think about the outcome I want. That'd entirely set the tone of any confrontation - or if I even bother confronting. There's plenty of options, up to and including starting your own illicit affair.

I assume anyone on Circle of Mum's has kids. I do. I'd take my kids into great consideration and keep in mind that a happy home is more important for kids than their two parents being together (a lesson brought to my husband and my marriage from his side of the family). Ultimately, relationships require communication, though, so if you intend to have a relationship with the man at all, confrontation of the subject will probably have to happen. At least it will help purge any secrets.

Here's a lesson for my daughter - be careful who you choose to fall in love with.

Tinker1987 - posted on 06/04/2011

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i wouldnt handle it lightly in my shoes.especially since me and my bf never use condoms. so you should confront him and go from there.

Wende - posted on 06/04/2011

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If he isn't using them with you, I would assume he is at least "ready" to cheat

Mary - posted on 06/04/2011

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I agree with ya Jamie! Pray that you will have peace and not jump to conclusions...I know it sounds so terrible there may be an explaination but don't be a dummy:) I had a boyfriend a few years back and I found condoms in his bag that he took when he would leave town and I was helping him un pack and found condoms and was like..."why are these in here?" and he smiled and made up some excuse...haha I believed him I was very naive and he actually got away with it. I found out later that he had been cheating on me with some older woman in his neighborhood and some others...So, whatever your gut tells you, believe that. You will know deep down if he is lieing.

Jamie - posted on 06/04/2011

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I would go to him WITH the condoms, and say' "Love, why were these in your bag?" If he gets defensive or acts kind of weird, I'd question him further. If I felt his answer was sufficient, I'd tell him I don't feel comfortable with him having them in his work bag, and I would just pray every morning that I can trust him and for God to give me a peace when my husband is away from me.

Mary - posted on 06/03/2011

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First of all, I am sorry, that is horible. I would confront my husband and if he did not admit to cheating I would probably want a separation. If he admits to it and is regretful then I would seek counceling. It would be sad to have your kids go through a divorce if the marraige can be saved.

Carly - posted on 06/03/2011

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any response from the original poster? or was this just an inflammatory post?

Wendy - posted on 06/03/2011

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don't fret, marriages should be based on communication... ask ... and if he gets defensive, then thats when to question the real reason..

Danielle - posted on 06/03/2011

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His work bag? As in the bag only for work? That's strange...and I hope the best for you! (DEFINITELY TALK TO HIM!)

Chrissie - posted on 06/03/2011

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Just reading this makes my heart race. I would confront him. My husband found condoms in my purse while we were dating and got very upset. I ALWAYS carry some. I have quite a few friends who would have had unsafe sex if I wouldn't have. And that's why I had them. They were not for me. But now that we are married, I don't carry any. Ever.

[deleted account]

Hi,
first of all confront him: then whatever excuse other the you he gives you: LEAVE HIM!!!
I have found that adult/mature people only get you serious when you are serious about what you are doing/going to do. Like stick to your words and let the rest be in Gods Hands.

I pray you get through these times as strong and courageous as possible.... Your kids need you: and you will be able to be there for them if YOU are 100%



PS:
you will find that there will ALWAYS be many moms on here to help you out in whatever it is you need!"
PLease do not ever forget that

Jennifer - posted on 06/02/2011

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I wouldn't know what to do. But, I know I wouldn't ask (if we used condoms). It'll be fishy to me if my husband has condoms and doesn't use it with me. I guess that's when I'll ask the questions

[deleted account]

Man i would fuckin feak out!! Dude im not really rational when i see something that would indicate cheating. i would take them and throw them in his face and ask him about it right then and there. I would not even care, as his wife you deserve an explanation and u definitely shouldnt get reprimanded for going thru his stuff he is your husband!!

Anastasia - posted on 06/02/2011

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I say ask him straight up about it. But if you don't use them than that is kind of weird.

Liz - posted on 06/02/2011

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Crying helps, when you bring it up. Your husband will respond better if he sees that he has hurt you terribly more than if you're yelling at him. No one likes to be attacked. Bring it up as soon as you can, you don't need to sit and stress and worry about it. Find out what's going on. I don't think it's as simple as just throwing the marriage away. You married him so you obviously love him. If something is going on though, it's important that HE'S willing to seek help, not just you.

Jankah - posted on 06/02/2011

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well you need to deal with it right away because you dont want it to go on any longer to cause you stress

Shannintipton - posted on 06/02/2011

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Have you ever gone threw his bag before. If he knows you have done it before he probably wouldn't stupid enough to leave them there. Ask him about it.

Kristen - posted on 06/02/2011

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I would use my unregistered Private Investigator license ;) Get more evidence and then pounce!

Mastoora - posted on 06/02/2011

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There is nothing wrong in going through your husband's stuff. I sometimes go through my hubby FB, hotmail, wallet...basically everything he owns. lol. And it's not that I don't trust him...I go through his wallet cuz I take his change for my daughter or $5 bills (he doesn't care), his hotmail cuz I apply him for jobs, ordering him things using his hotmail, and FB cuz he like never checks it. I think once you get married, there really is no need for privacy to the extent that some people want. Anyways, I think you should ask him about it calmly...it could be from a coworker, if you don't use condoms he may have wanted to try it etc..there's lots of reasons why he could have them. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you guys.

Tiffany - posted on 06/01/2011

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I would ask him about it. Yes there could be a legitimate reason for them being there, but honestly, if you guys arent using them then why would he have them.. And as far as the whole "my buddy put those there" is the oldest trick in the book. I mean, dont get me wrong, dont jump to conclusions but most definitely get to the bottom of it.

Bonnie - posted on 06/01/2011

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Nomsa, I guess that makes sense, but I still don't think I would be comfortable with it.

Madeline - posted on 06/01/2011

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Defiantly agree with Brittany with "men shutting down" they do, they get completely nerves which gets us to suspect something, because in the back of our minds we assume he did something, but the truth lies with him.

You need to address this as soon as possible. Don't let it linger on any longer if you do you are only going to hate him more, your relationship might of well be over without knowing the truth. You need to address this with him, when the kids are not home is best, so if you do scream and yell the kids are not involved, messy break ups and kids involved is not ideal. You need to speak to him calmly, no shouting or yelling, I'm sure your able to pick up on you husbands lies or not, but you need to be clear with him what you have found in his bag and why are they there? Because my guess is use don't use them, (which is normal in marriage life). Try not to be to rational, if you speak to him like you would any other day, he might just open up and tell the truth. And like Brittany also mentioned, if he says he's not having an affair you need to check all of his personal stuff like cell, diary (like i mean daily diary), mobile, emails and so on. But I hope he is not doing this stuff, as in any relationship it's horrible. If he is having an affair, don't just go straight to the divorce, thats the easy option... (and there is going to be allot of people who will completely disagree with me, & thats fine), But you need him to make ALL the effort, not you. See councilors, doctors even family and or friends. He needs to make all the effort remember, as he ruined the trust you had in him, he lost a best friend (which is you), if he is willing to change and make the marriage work, he has to get your trust back, and maybe you might have to keep an eye out, check up on him... but as time goes by you will become stronger. Unless he has a history of cheating, you may to consider he's not going to change.

ps: if your marriage works out and use get professional help or so on, don't bring up the past, trust me it only makes your relationship weaker and then in the back of your mind you'll become paranoid over completely nothing...

I hope this helped... And made sense lol

Good luck

Christina - posted on 06/01/2011

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I just asked my husband, "Honey, if you found a condom in my purse, what would you think?" His immediate response was, "That you are cheating on me." At least we know women aren't the only one who would assume cheating.
I'd confront him. And if the answer wasn't good enough, I'd prob tell him to go on about his life, and have fun because I am done.

Ally - posted on 06/01/2011

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There are lots of different signs to look out for. Maybe he is treating u different, speaking different, showering when he is getting in?
I absolutely disagree with the lady who was asking why you were going through your HUSBANDS bag, what a ridiculous question!! You are Husband & Wife 4 gods sake & the main point is that you found condoms & there is concern there especially if you's do not use them! Goodluck with everything, fingers crossed its just a workplace joke!

Krystal - posted on 06/01/2011

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I want to just give you a big hug!!! who knows what your feeling right now, but im sure its nothing good. Its very easy for us all to jump to the worst case senario, we all do it at some stage and i must admit in this situation i would jump to the conclusion he is cheating, but that might not be the case. You really just need to ask him about it and talk to him, try not to yell &scream try be calm, you wont get the answers your after if you yell and scream at him straight up.I hope everything works out for you and that there is a reasonable explanation for them being in his bag!! Good luck hun and big hugs xxx

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