what would you do if your huband said this??

Ashley - posted on 11/18/2009 ( 89 moms have responded )

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what would you do or say if your husband told you that he is never romantic because he don't know how to be.. well i just looked some simple web sites that tells some great things and that was in a min. he works with married men.. why not ask for ideas.. i don't get it.. what would you do or say?? and i'm pregnant so i'm emotional so this isn't helping lol.. BY the way i found out i'm having another girl yesterday.. so this will make it 3 girls and a boy.. my poor son lol...

Oh and whats making this hard is we have been married for almost 5 years now and he has always told me this.. you would think at some point in time he would at least try something.. that didn't have to do with sex lol men..

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Olga - posted on 11/25/2009

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You know i think he just doesnt want to do anything by himself (men in family life stop being romantic coz already they got u), it looks like not enought feelings from his side. May be routing... I see that usually woman will play role in this. So, you have to make some mood, to let him to want you with new power...May be some dressing or sex games...

Lori - posted on 11/18/2009

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What would I do? The same thing I do everytime an argument comes up about this... My husband is shy and doesn't do things on his own and he doesn't like to voice his opinions on anything. We have been married for about five years also and since my first child was born a little over 2 years ago I have been the one to initiate anything. From going to the movies or out to eat dinner or to the park alone or a movie at home on the couch. He never does anything. He doesnt' even give I love yous as much as he used too unless I say it first. Some guys just aren't romantic and some men are. Just don't get too upset and keep at it and it will eventually put a light bulb in his head on what to do...lol...Hang in there.

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Rhiannon - posted on 01/22/2010

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Maybe try doing something romantic for him, to both give him ideas and a hint! Don't sweat it for your son, my brother is fourth in a family of six, and he is the ONLY boy! lol! And he has grown up to be a very lovely and caring man who treats his wife with all the love and respect a woman deserves! Your son may grow up to be a romantic with three sisters to teach him, you never know! lol!

Sarah - posted on 01/22/2010

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try communicating it bluntly the next time your in the bedroom. tell him you would like to feel like a sexy woman not just a wife and mother. it is important to feel like a woman also. try going lingere shopping together and light some candles after a nice dinner at home by yourselves. or try a bubble bath and have fun washing each other. etc. good luck to you.

Shannan - posted on 01/22/2010

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I know how you feel my husband isn't romantic either I think it might havesomething to do with the way they were brought up or at least for my husband because from what I can tell his dad isn't much of a romantic and in my opinion the romantic men are being lost because there aren't as many as there were in like the 50's or 60's I have been married for almost 5 yrs and I have one daughter I have done more romantic things for my husband then he has or ever probably ever will it is a man thing in my opinion. Not sure what you can tell your husband but it's up to us women to accept that they aren't and if we want romance we have to do the acting.

Helen - posted on 11/30/2009

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WELL TRY SHOWING HIM HOW YOU WOULD WANT HIM TO ROMANCE YOU. DONT GIVE UP IF HE DOESNT WANT TO TRY. HE WILL EVENTUALLY GIVE IN.

Celicia - posted on 11/25/2009

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I'm not sure what your religious beliefs are, but there is this book called "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldham. It is written on a Christian base, but it is directed at every woman about every man. Shaunti surveyed HUNDREDS of men about things such as romance, respect, sex, appearance, and so on. Well, I learned A LOT from it. In it, these men were so open and honest and basically they are more scared than you will ever know. They are so afraid of being an "impostor" (which is how almost all of them feel) that they can't do certain things, such as being romantic. They don't try because they are so afraid of doing it wrong, so they just don't. It's a hard fact, but maybe you could encourage him a different way. Or realize he IS romantic, just not in the way you want him to be. He may not be a "candle light" dinner type of guy, but most men stated that their kind of romance is going out with friends to a bar/restaurant to watch a game. That "play" time is romantic to them. I took this advice, and since I've been enjoying it more, slowly but surely, my husband has been buying me cards and "just because" gifts. Also, inflate his ego by writing his letters and telling him how amazing he is and try not to cut him down, even when he's being stupid. They are so "ego-centric" that it's ridiculous, but it's the way they are wired and it takes time for them to change. Good luck!

Lacey - posted on 11/25/2009

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i think guys just suck in general and dont know what to do. they dont think enough! hahaha..my husband tries...well..kinda..not in a long time though. he has gotten me flowers and chocolate and what not before..and jewelry. it sucks though cause we cant just go out on a "date" cause we have nobody to watch our son. my son is almost two and we basically havent been together alone since then..haha.

Lauren - posted on 11/25/2009

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my husband says this stuff too..he's pathetic in the romance area! i think it is a hopeless case because i have even left him notes spelling out what he should do and had demonstrations..like i made dinner and had candles and nice music, etc. still nothing. i know he loves me but it is frustrating..good luck!

Felicia Neikolle - posted on 11/25/2009

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I'm gonna tell you to try something COMPLETELY different from what everyone else would say ... TRY IT HIS WAY. Seriously, try just pouncing him one day. Or instead of having dinner ready when he gets home from work - have YOU ready and looking good enough to eat in something special just for him! Romance to women is the same thing as porn to men ... it's an illusional fantasy world where each and every thing involved is just as you like it. Sometimes romance IS a mid-day romp while the kids are sleeping ... if you choose to see it that way. It's all in perspective. He could have just gone to bed but he tried to be with you instead ... his version of romance. If you still NEED some of the traditional romance after this then find a way to see if you can meet half way ... like while you're getting ready for bed he can light the candles ... you both win.



Romance isn't taking your girl out to dinner and a movie then coming home and massaging her every limb followed by cuddling. Romance is what we make it to be. Go on dictionary.com and look the word up ... the very first definition is a novel ... that should tell you something. And the definition given for the verb version of the word is: to court or woo romantically; treat with ardor or chivalrousness ... if you look up romantic the second definition for it is: fanciful; impractical; unrealistic: romantic ideas. In the definition of romance I gave I want to elaborate to maybe help ... ardor means: great warmth of feeling; fervor; passion; intense devotion, eagerness, or enthusiasm; zeal; burning heat (most men I know feel all of these things when trying to be with their significant others "romantically" aka sexually). Chivalrousness means: having the qualities of chivalry, as courage, courtesy, and loyalty; considerate and courteous to women; gallant; gracious and honorable toward an enemy, esp. a defeated one, and toward the weak or poor. Based on all this ... I would have to say that your husband IS (by definition) being romantic when he tries to be with you sexually.



Hope this helps! Sorry if it steps on anyone's toes.

Natalie - posted on 11/25/2009

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I totally agree with Lori M. I have been with my hubby for nearly 5 years and when I met him he just got out of the Navy and went straight into Military Contracting work so when he wasn't home he was very romantic but once he decided to end the long distance, back and forth relationship and was home it dropped of the face of the earth. I bug him about it too, just keep at it. I leave hints or magazine articles, and they usually are in his magazines, Men's Health! lol

Sharaya - posted on 11/25/2009

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Well i have only been married for a little over a year but I have been with my husband for 5 years. He is not romantic at all....i agree with brittany barber. Men just dont get it. I want the kissing and hugging and intimacy but I dont even think he knows what that means. I have tried to talk to him about it but sometimes i just have to be romantic towards him. That sometimes makes him work a little harder to romance me cuz I already set the tone. Send the kids to a family members house for the night and cook and have his dinner ready for him when he gets home. If he takes a shower or has a daily routine for when he gets home, prepare it for him. Have his shower ready and his clothes to change into. If you do this things it may get him in the mood to be romantic. As women I fell like we dont realize men have feelings too and sometimes they want to be taken care of instead of always taking care of us. Im learning that now! Just try it and see what happens.....hoping for the best!

Shari - posted on 11/25/2009

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Mine says the same thing.. He just doesn't now how to be romantic or we don't have the money. I usually hint at things that I want to do but he never really catches on (or he does and doesn't take the time to do it). So if I want something, I do/get it for myself. I think it's just the way a lot of men are. I knows how you feel and your even more emotional because your pregnant. Just tell him outright.. I want this or that and then give him time to pull it together. Hopefully he will take the hint.

Natasha - posted on 11/25/2009

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Hi Ashly,

I really thought I was the only one with this problem. We have been together for 5 years as well, not married and have a baby girl of 9 months old. Sad thing is he has never bought me flowers or taken me somewhere romantic. His friends must always join us for a weekend away. When he wants us to go away with him, he just thinks of himself and books us in somewhere where he can fish.... What am I suppose to do I ask and the answer is simple "get yourself a book" Plus I'm always the one that has to stay up with the little one,,,, I don't mind, she's my child, but sometimes I also need a break just to relax.

Congrats on the latest edition to your family.

Just thought I'd let you know I'm in the exact same boat, so don't feel alone. Good luck

Lydia - posted on 11/25/2009

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if hes blowing off your feelings etc - tell him that romanc may be out of his catalogue but how about some plain old manners?

[deleted account]

Quoting Anna:

HA! My husband and I have been going back and forth with this for years, but it has really started to bug me since our daughter was born. He's always ready for a romp, but breastfeeding has killed my desire for sex of any kind. I've been telling him that maybe if he tried to be at least a little romantic instead of "hey, let's have sex" I might be game. I suggested he could bring home flowers every now and then, light some candles, or offer to give me a foot rub and you know what he said? "If you want a foot rub just ask, otherwise I won't know you want one" Sooo lame!

Sometimes I wish I had married Will Smith...I bet Jada gets a foot rub without having to ask!



hrmmn well Will Smith and Jada actually have an open-relationship! So, I think you'd rather miss out on the foot rubs hey :)

Sara - posted on 11/24/2009

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lol, dont feel bad my boyfriend is never romantic lol. he used to be but he just stopped so if u figure out how to get ur husband to be please let me know

Hannah - posted on 11/24/2009

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that is exaclty like my ex husband...if I would sit next to him he would breathe hard and say....can you go sit on the chair? but hey when it came to sex the two pump chump would always deliver....im gonna tell you if hes as bad as my ex you will get fed up and you will leave but if hes not just tell him honestly that it is a need you have and you need him to be there and support your need for romance!

Gina - posted on 11/24/2009

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I would tell him what i liked and talk to him and let him know that your emotions are crazy and that makes you feel bad when he doesnt want to be romantic. Just be honest i think you telling him would be better than his friends b/c every woman is diff and likes diff things...good luck :)

Jessica - posted on 11/24/2009

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Take charge sometimes its a turn on for men when a woman takes over and tells him what she wants!!!

Angela - posted on 11/24/2009

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Lol yeah men are funny aren't they.. They go in a mood if we aint in the mood for sex but we cant be in a mood when they cant be arsed to get us in the mood for sex and just expect us to be ready for it lol.... Anyway, enough ranting... I dont think its that he doesnt know how I think he probably feels uncomfortable, he probably thinks its soft or girlie or something, because it involves feelings. I wouldnt worry about it, if he has always been like, I guess he probably always will. He loves you and you love him. Some men just arent that wat inclined thats all :)

Devan - posted on 11/24/2009

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I'm sorry you're dealing with this but you stated that you've been married for five years and he's always been this way? You can't just expect him to change if he's always been this way and you've been with him this long. However you can express to him how it makes you feel and let him know that you'd really like to work more on your relationship and improve it so that you both are happy.

Jen - posted on 11/24/2009

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My hubby's kinda the same as Lori described hers to be. We've been together 7 years, married 3. We never dated, just jumped right into a relationship, started living together after knowing each other about a month, and I became full time mom to his son who was at that time 3 years old. The most romanticism I've seen from my hubby is a rose on mother's day. Now and then I drop not-so-subtle hints, like "Hey, wouldn't it be great if one night next week you arranged for a sitter for the kids and took me to dinner and a movie?" lol. Another thing you could suggest to help him out; if you like to read: Point out your favourite author to him and say "You know, it would make me feel really special if you picked up this author's latest book and a rose or two then ran me a bath and lit some candles so I could take some time to relax". Maybe explain that romance isn't just about being mushy and expressing emotions, that it's also important because it lets you know he still cares and wants you to know you're special to him

Jen - posted on 11/24/2009

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Quoting Lori:

What would I do? The same thing I do every time an argument comes up about this... My husband is shy and doesn't do things on his own and he doesn't like to voice his opinions on anything. We have been married for about five years also and since my first child was born a little over 2 years ago I have been the one to initiate anything. From going to the movies or out to eat dinner or to the park alone or a movie at home on the couch. He never does anything. He doesnt' even give I love yous as much as he used too unless I say it first. Some guys just aren't romantic and some men are. Just don't get too upset and keep at it and it will eventually put a light bulb in his head on what to do...lol...Hang in there.

Traci - posted on 11/24/2009

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My husband is the EXACT same way..It drives me freaking insane. I get so mad at him and he says that By wanting him to be romatic is like me asking him to change himself. I can't wait to see what others post maybe it can help us out to..AND congrats on the new baby girl!!

Maria Abba - posted on 11/23/2009

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maybe he was embarrassed and feels a little sensitive about not knowing how to make his wife happy im sure he doesn't do it intentionally and it shows he must want to fix it because he actually sat down and read the sites so good on him for trying , good on both of you for working together !


I agree with you Mommy Loureen!

Ashley - posted on 11/23/2009

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Quoting Connie:

My husband missed out on the romance gene as well....I didn't read the other replies, so I apologize if this is repetitive...

I don't know if you ever heard of a store named "Spencers"....it's a combo of movie, drug, gag gift, sex toy, T-shirt type store.... anyway, I found a Romance Card Kit....

The cards come in two sets...For Him & For Her. The set also comes with a draw-string bag. On the cards are various romantic ideas for the significant other....For example - For Him (to do for you....) Light candles and insence (did I spell that right) in the bathroom - add salts, a little bubbles, and rose pedals in the bath water. No lights. Sponge warm water over her while she relaxes. Of course, the inevitable happens, but hey....

For Her (to do for him). Take him out to dinner at the first restaurant you've ever been together. Be the one in charge - order, pay the bill, etc. Then take him home for some one-on-one - watch a movie, give him a back rub, or use your imagination...

If you can't find this, make one up own your own. We chose to do some, and not others, but it was fun :)

Hope this helps :)


Well we just moved back to the states from Japan(was there for 3years) so i haven't been in this store in a very long time.. i'm going to have to go look for this because he loves himself some games.. lol to bad most of them are video games..

[deleted account]

Do like you do when you are trying to get your kiddos to learn something new. Praise praise praise for even the smallest effort or accomplishment. Even things as simple as holding the door for you can be 'romantic' in his mind because he is doing something kind for you. Men have a different idea of 'romance' than we do.

Erica - posted on 11/23/2009

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Just try and give him ideas. I know it is not as much fun when you come up with the plan and he puts it together but it might help maybe if you give him different ideas then he will catch on at some point and do something out of the blue. Just a thought. I know I would get at least a little up set if my man could not be romantic. He does not do much but he trys.

Vanessa - posted on 11/23/2009

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Congrats on the baby! I know how you feel though, my husband isnt romantic. I just look at all the little things he does for me instead. Dishes laundry, feeding the kids. You name it! I have 7 kids total, four boys and three girls. we only had the boys and then a girl and had my tubes tied. two years later we ended up with identical twin girls!! theyre nine months old now.....

Dont forget that being emotional during pregnacy is completely normal! does he do the dishes, or change diapers? Anything that makes it easier around the house? Its no bed of roses, but to me, id rather he do the dishes! after all, with that many kids in the house, were lucky to be able to "play" at all in peace! Maybe write him a list of romantic this he can do for you on a holiday. start small! Happy safe Holidays!

Connie - posted on 11/23/2009

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My husband missed out on the romance gene as well....I didn't read the other replies, so I apologize if this is repetitive...

I don't know if you ever heard of a store named "Spencers"....it's a combo of movie, drug, gag gift, sex toy, T-shirt type store.... anyway, I found a Romance Card Kit....

The cards come in two sets...For Him & For Her. The set also comes with a draw-string bag. On the cards are various romantic ideas for the significant other....For example - For Him (to do for you....) Light candles and insence (did I spell that right) in the bathroom - add salts, a little bubbles, and rose pedals in the bath water. No lights. Sponge warm water over her while she relaxes. Of course, the inevitable happens, but hey....

For Her (to do for him). Take him out to dinner at the first restaurant you've ever been together. Be the one in charge - order, pay the bill, etc. Then take him home for some one-on-one - watch a movie, give him a back rub, or use your imagination...

If you can't find this, make one up own your own. We chose to do some, and not others, but it was fun :)

Hope this helps :)

Cari - posted on 11/23/2009

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I think being romantic is doing anything that he knows will make you happy. If he needs help with ideas, make him a list of things you like. Flowers, watching movies together, running a bubble bath, whatever you want him to do. Tell him to be romantic he needs to do something from your list WITHOUT you telling him when and what you want. Sometimes you have to give them a map and they still get lost...lol. You might still be able to get him trained...Ive been married 3 years and I am almost there :)

Tricia - posted on 11/23/2009

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what would i do? well im not sure coz my husband is the same as yours, yes he tells me he loves me but we havent been close in over a year since we lost our second child. he doesnt tell me his feelings or whats going through his head and we have been together for 7 1/2 years but only been married for 1.

please dont get too upset about your husband some men find easy to be romantic and others find it really hard to open up, i know its lonely but try talking to him xx

Flora - posted on 11/22/2009

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my husband is the same as yours Ashley...we have got so many arguments about he is not romantic at all...after all, i gave up to expect what i want him to be and i try to understand him as that is who he is and i should be happy with what i have no matter what as long as he is not giving problems in our marriage...i tried to let him read and observe, he just not interested to do.. :(

anyway, Congratulation for your pregnancy :)

Brandy - posted on 11/22/2009

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Where most people go wrong with things like this is that they argue instead of talking about it. Don't wait until you are mad or upset to bring it up. Sometimes you have to give them ideas and tell them that doing romantic things before sex is an important part of the relationship to you. Also, tell him that it makes the sex better for the girl if the mood is set ahead of time and it isn't always something that is rushed into. Men are always excited and proud when they can do something that makes sex better for their gf/wife. And if he does something romantic and the sex is better after, tell him that it was and it'll encourage him to try harder next time. Tell him he doesn't have to plan a whole day. Tell him even just lighting some candles or making dinner or a giving a back rub makes that little bit of difference sometimes. Or, in a sexual sense, he could spend a little more time on you before the actual sex. You could even start off by planning something that you would enjoy him to do for you and that way he won't be so nervous about it. Most of the time with men, you have to be very specific. And don't be shy to explore your sexual relationship. After all, you plan on being married for the rest of your lives, you might as well both be getting what you want. Tell him some things that you would be interested in trying then ask him if there is anything you don't do that he would like to try. Maybe you guys could take turns and one time you could dress up as something he fantasizes about and the next time, he could set a romantic scene with rose petals and candles and such for you. He might like that idea if you mention it to him. It's all about give and take and you might just have to take the first step and do something that interests him.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/22/2009

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lol i've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have four girls and he's the same exact way. so i feel for you. when he drinks he knows how to be romantic though. but that doesnt happen to often. so good luck with your man but dont hold your breath.

Bethany - posted on 11/22/2009

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My husband claims he isn't romantic but I know he is because he has done very romantic stuff before. If my husband isn't doing something romantic then it's just plain because he doesn't want to put out the effort, maybe this is just your husband too?

Courtney - posted on 11/22/2009

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maybe he just feels uncomftorable with the idea and doesnt know how to approach it?
Have u tried suggesting things to him,or maybe leave little notes around the house letting him know how much you love and appreciate him.
I read an article in Readers Digest once about a similar situation,but the woman was a dolphin trainer and she applied those tactics to her husband and lmao if worked!!
My partner and i have the same
sorta situation excepy reversed lol,he can be really romantic at times yet i just am too practical and dont really know how to reciprocate it!! Maybe it's to do with the fact we have 4 boys and ! girl lol and are expecting another boy!!! But as long as you both love each other stay positive!!

Anna - posted on 11/22/2009

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You might try telling him those things you would like him to do to be romantic. Your husband isn't a mind reader. Communicate with him.

Nicole - posted on 11/22/2009

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It sounds to me like he told u a long time ago that he wasnt romantic. After 5 years of marriage & almost 4 kids, I dont think hes gonna all the sudden get more romantic

Kylie - posted on 11/22/2009

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My husband says the same thing..he also says i don't do romantic things for him so why should he do it for me. He thinks romance is fake and has been conjured up by chocolate and card companies to make a profit lol . I've just come to accept i will never have romance in my life..i picked a guy who doesn't want to do the roses, romantic notes thing but hes wonderful in other ways so i don't really mind.

Meytal - posted on 11/22/2009

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OMG my fiancee said the same thing to me! I was complaining how he is never romantic and I try to do things that are romantic and he doesn't even appreciate it. He told me he isn't romantic and that I've known this from the start. I was like really, because when we first started dating I specifically said I'm a hopeless romantic and I don't remember him saying that to me! We've been together 3 years in march and I've already started planning our anniversary. He thinks I'm crazy for planning this far in advance too. We only have one 18 month old girl and he has three older children from his first marriage. I don't know....maybe it's a guy thing. But why are girls hopeless romantics and guys just hopeless! LOL.

Sarah - posted on 11/22/2009

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Guys dont change, some guys just arent and thats that. I'm not married but all my firend and family are and they talk about their husbands. Most guys will at least a couple times a year do stuff. Why dont you tell him what you what him to do? Whta about the little things? does he do small things that your missing? some guys do small things, they think matter, like start your car in the morning ? Good luck!!

Emma - posted on 11/22/2009

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my partner isnt romantic at all. i always complain about it and it happens for the day after but then he just goes back to normal..i dont think we can change them

Michelle - posted on 11/22/2009

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well here something simple, but true, you cant change a person, you cant just become romantic, but you can try, just to please your partner. I would say tell him what you like,but once again, he would not be doing it from his heart, but doing it because you want him too. Just know even if he is not romantic, he probably loves you dearly

Lisa - posted on 11/22/2009

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My husband is the same way. Ive kind of given up on romance. I know he loves me, and his idea of romance is flowers when i beg for a show of affection or a cd i want. I figure thats the best i should expect. He did hold my hair back when i had morning sickness though. Hes a sweet guy, just doesnt get the full romance stuff

[deleted account]

brittany colson- that sounds like what my ex said when he wanted to be freaky way past my comfort zone... good luck with that one. hope the best for you.

Brittany - posted on 11/22/2009

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when he starts being romantic let me know so i could learn. my daughters father says i show no emotions. he says that i need to learn to open up more, emotionally sexually and spiritually..... but, what does that mean?

Ange - posted on 11/22/2009

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Tell him... flowers, chocolates, dinner - not that hard honey ;)
Yet they all seem to struggle........

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