Who has the right?

Erica - posted on 12/31/2009

I think both parents should want a baby to bring it into the world, but before my hubby and I married, we talked about it. I said I wanted 3 kids and he said that wuz fine, I could have as many as I wanted as long as we could afford it and now, we have one son together and he wants no more. :S I told him he couldn't take it back. BTW, he has a son and daughter from a previous marriage.

Cassandra - posted on 12/30/2009

Communication is key in any relationship. There are many fears when it comes to becoming a parent. It isn't an easy adjustment for most men either. I think that we woman have the ability to see beyond one moment but men live very much in the "now". Your daughter is only 14 months old right now. Give him some time to adjust to being a new father and enjoy being a Dad. One person doesn't get to make the decision. What is important is that you build a strong team. Communication is key and if it's right it will be because you talked about it. Ask him what his concerns maybe, tell him your concerns. The more you can voice issues and talk about them the more success you will have coming to a decision as team instead of individuals. When the time is right you will have a strong back bone to stand together on. Nurture you relationship, many people forget you have to do that as well as nurture your children. Good luck.

Larissa - posted on 12/30/2009

Hi Fern,
To tell you the truth my BF and I both wanted kids but I felt it fit my career and age better 2 have her sooner. And I know now that I made our lives a little more complicated by pushing him into it. Every so often when she gets extra fussy, which happens more often than we bargained for, I can see it in his eyes that he wonders if he could have been more prepared. Don't get me wrong, neither of us would trade her for all the money in the world but I wouldn't push the next one on him even if I am approaching 30. The next time around (if there is one) I want him to be more excited than anxious.
Good luck
Lari
Plus I agree with the other moms, you are young and you can wait.

Melissa - posted on 12/30/2009

My partner and I have talked about having a second child. For now he's totally opposed to it. However I know I'm not sure but I'm definitely not ready for a second because ours is only 9 1/2 months old and daycare cost is like a second mortgage!
I would definitely wait it out. I don't want to tell you that siblings should have a certain number of years between them. I just think the decision may come easier as time goes by and your daughter gets a little older and starts becoming more and more independent. Good luck in your decision.

Eileen - posted on 12/30/2009

I cannot offer a suggestion or advice. i can offer comfort,in that you are not alone. My husband has an 18 yr old from way before he knew me. i have a 9,7 and 5 yr old frommy firstmarriage. we have a 2 yr old together,and miscarried last sept.(thats over a yr ago). i very strongly want another child. he does not. (money more than anything..)
so... We carry on. he avoids it. we dont' talk much on the subject. i cry. i hope for it to happen, that someone else's plan will override our own...
i don't know if there is compromise. i don't know how to even the ground as you say, biti know you are not alone ,and maybe, in time.. .. we will find happiness somehow.

Danielle - posted on 12/30/2009

hmm im not sure...In my case i was on the pill and got pregnant ( at 19) and so the decision was mine, and mine alone. i chose to keep her ( as i personally could NEVER have an abortion) and my THEN partner was happy with my choice. BUT he hasnt seen my daughter since she was 3 months old and i now have full custody.
But if i ever have another partner i dont think i would agree to have another child at this stage...I think the compromise you have made is good, because it seems to suit you.
However if i chose to want to have another child i dont think i COULD compromise...the most i would do would wait 1 yr and if he hadnt changed his mind then i would end the relationship. I know that sounds harsh but if we werent on the same wavelength then i wouldnt b able to be with that person.

Francesca - posted on 12/29/2009

I know this is crazy but when I found out I was pregnant, I cried for three days. I didn't want children. I was working on my post graduate degree, I had international career goals. And when I found out, well I even contemplated my options. My Dh was excited and happier than I have ever seen him.



Now if you ask me, Ella was the best thing that ever happened to me. Everything else is meaningless and I want the world for her. My Dh teases me that I love Ella more than him. And I do. She is my life.



My Dh already bugs me for a number two, but I have a few things I want to do to ensure my little girl has everything I could possibly give her before even considering it.



Just because one doesn't want a baby doesn't mean they will resent the baby. People change their minds all the time. Its human nature. I sure did.



That being said. don't go rushing off to have a baby. (Although attempting it can be fun) Enjoy your little family. Your young. You have infinitely possibilities. But if it happens. Don't worry. Love will follow. Accidents have a way of bringing out the best in people :)



And if you're ever in doubt, ask yourself what you would want your kids to do if they ever got stuck in the same situation. Helps me clarify.

Veronica - posted on 12/29/2009

I think it is a mutual decision that has to be made, but if you were to 'end up pg.' - he should not resent that baby - i think that would be rediculous - because you didnt knock yourself up! he had a part in it too - and that man should have kept his pecker in his pants then - am i right? It takes two. You both should agree mutually, but make sure you really communicate about it thoroughly. HOw many children would you like, go over finances together, are you fit to support another child right now? Time, jobs, space - are those things in order? Why do you want another baby, Why does he NOT want another baby - right now? I think communication will be the best start, period.
It also depends on your bc - we do natural family planning. When Im fertile, my husband and I do not have any type of intercourse, and we dont mess around with each other either (tease, etc.) to rouse each other - we respect each others bodies, and wait for the fertile period to be over - but the makeup time is great! i love this method!! LOL So in other words, we respect our bodies, and when we dont want or arent ready for more children, we pay attention and leave each other alone when necessary. If you are on something - then i guess for the majority of it - there's nothing to really worry about then.
NOw im blabbing away -- so conclusion: mutual, communication, and depending on bc - respect in the bedroom scene, then.

I hope ive helped a bit. Take care, and I wish you well with your family,
Veronica

Michelle - posted on 12/29/2009

I think both people in the relationship have to want a baby. Now, that said, it is possible when one parent wants the baby, and the other one wants the baby so that the other parent is happy. I think that is a good reason to want a baby because it shows strength in the relationship. That's not to say that you should just get him to say that he wants a baby for your-- he actually needs to want that for you. However, you have to be prepared to say the same for him-- that you're willing to not have a baby if it makes him happier. If neither one of you is willing to make those concessions, it's time to reconsider your priorities in life as to whether or not you two are a good match. My fiance and I had our son unexpectedly when we were 20. At first he said he absolutely didn't want anymore kids, and I told him I'd give him some time to think about that, and if he still didn't want more kids after a couple years, then I'd have to take some serious thought into whether we were really supposed to be together. Now he says that he not only wants more kids for my sake, but that he also truly wants to have more. It's just a matter of time. Some guys start thinking that they don't want more just because it's a lot of responsibility and it's hard at the beginning. I'd say let him know how much you want one, assess your abilities as a mother and as a couple, and then make a decision between the two of you.

April - posted on 12/29/2009

Quoting Heather:

I think if you are in a relationship, then both sides have to want that baby. 

Kate - posted on 12/29/2009

Hey there Fern. You are young yet, I think you should wait a few years. Having 1 is hard having 2 at young ages is even harder. Both parent should be 100% for wanting another because if one gives in they might feel resentful towards the new addition(trust me on this, I was the New Addition)and treat you like they are trapped. Not everyone is like this but it does happen even to the most reasonable people. I would wait and spoil him and her to death.

Valerie - posted on 12/29/2009

Unfortunately I don't really think this is something that you compromise on. I do think that since you are getting married he has to be willing to not dismiss it completely. It is wonderful that you have one baby, I am 24 and have a little girl who is 15 months old and can not wait to have more, we are waiting but I definetly want more and thankfully so does my husband. Maybe since your little girl is so young, he is still just trying to adjust to the first, so maybe if you make the compromise to talk about having another baby a few years down the road, not saying that you will, but at least talk about it with each other after you both have been able to settle into having one baby. He may want more children later, but may just need to feel normal again after this one first before he can admit it. Make the compromise to agree that you are still young and there is still plenty of time to talk about it, and set a time in the future that you will talk about it. My husband and I had to do that with our baby, he didn't want a baby yet he didn't think we were financially ready and it took some time but he realized that no one is ever financially ready to have kids, we set a time to "talk" about having kids and we both at that time agreed to it, I think I just needed to take the stress off of him about it. Good luck!

Lydia - posted on 12/29/2009

If one doesnt want it we dont have it - thats it for us. However we have talked about it in advance and come to an agreement that best suits *us* (not me or him as individuals but as a unit) At the end of the day its a choice - do you sacrifice the number of children for the relationship or do you sacrifice the relationship for the number of children? Everyone has to do what is best for them in their situation.

Heather - posted on 12/28/2009

I believe it is a decision that has to be made together, if one in the relationship does not want a child then why would you bring a child into said relationship? If a child is unwanted you are risking the chance of them finding that out, and what I mean is what if an "accident" happens and a child is brought into the world with a parent that is unhappy about them being there, you risk breaking your relationship up, fighting often around your children and all the other mess that comes from an unhappy home. Give it some time, maybe he will change his mind but if not you have to respect his decision and not be selfish by bringing a child into the world when the other party has expressed that is not what they want.

Betty - posted on 12/28/2009

Before trying to have a baby you should both be into it 100%.
If there is a disagreement than it's best not to drag a little life into it before it's resolved.
It's really up to God though. Even if you use birth control God will provide a way if it is meant to be and both parties must except that. Good luck:)

Jamie - posted on 12/28/2009

me and my husband were on a fence have no3 or not and my cousin said you will never regret having one more baby but u will regret if you do not. Made me think and i could not be happier with my new baby boy :)

Kimberly - posted on 12/28/2009

if you know that you will want more children, you should marry someone who also wants (more) children. its not something you should compromise on. I understand that you cant choose who you fall in love with, but maybe the subject should be brought up again before you get married. You dont want to be unhappy in the future if you want more children and he still doesnt.

Kristi - posted on 12/28/2009

After my first daughter was born my husband and i decided no more kids... we loved our daughter and that was enough. For the next year we changed our minds over and over again... i didn't, he did, vice versa... then we decided together that we would eventually but not now and when the moment happened where we were both in sync about it, i got pregnant and now have an 8 month old daughter. I believe if you and your soon to be husband love eachother very much, with all you have, then there will be that one moment where you realize you are either content with the way it is or you want another kid

Kelly - posted on 12/28/2009

hi fran, just breath!!!!

having children is a blessing thinking and taking about it is making it harder to for you to enjoy the little girl you have. my friend has two girls 26 months apart. Her husbain said no way at first she agreed, later as their youngest was in school, they realized that have more love to give to a child. they are now 13 1/2 weeks pregnant!! just give it time everything works out the way it is suppost to in the end, just remember to breath and enjoy the one you have!!!!

Jodi - posted on 12/27/2009

For me, the issue of children is a deal maker or breaker. I was 18 when I started dating my now husband and the day after we met each other's families I laid it down for him that I wanted children, I wanted children young, I wanted at least 5 kids and that I would be a SAHM. If he wasn't okay with that, I was moving on. I know it sounds harsh, but that is one of those issues that can raise A LOT of resentment and I didn't want that. I don't know if you can "compromise" on something that like...I know I couldn't. I really think that before people decide to have kids and before they decide to get married they should make sure they are on the same page about issues like that because they can break a good relationship pretty fast.

Sarah - posted on 12/27/2009

I agree with Sheryl, when your in a committed relationship and going to get married you should know things like this. I think this is one of the problems there are too many divorces. That's why marriage counseling is a great idea, even if you don't think you need it.

Sheryl - posted on 12/27/2009

well, my husbend was really happy the first time. but he was also worried when it came to money! but for us it was more than welcomed cause i was told i could not have kids! he said he didn't want anymore till he finshed collage! but that didn't happend we weren't trying and i still got preg. he didn't like it at first. i was happy, but soon he did too. i feel like people may say they don't want any for sometime but then again birth control doesn't always work! but if they can agree that great! all the more better! know we got two great lil boys! i think one thing every couple should do before they get married is talk about how many they want and don't want and how they would go about who would be getting fixed. i thing that a big one a lot of people forget about when it comes to getting married. again this is just my view!

Amy - posted on 12/27/2009

both people need to agree that they want another. My husband and I discussed this not too long ago, he didn't care if we had another but was worried how he'd handle me being pregnant, after discussing this we both decided that we did want another. There's no way I would have felt ok if we got pregnant if he didn't want another 100%.

Holly - posted on 12/27/2009

I think it should be a joint decision. I think both partners have to be in it 100% or the relationship will suffer.

Sherreka - posted on 12/27/2009

Hi Fern,
My fiance and I are are in the same situation. Im 22, hes 23 and our son is 12 months. I want to have another child but he says he doesnt. After a few discussions of why each other felt the way we did, I told him until he wanted another one I didn't want one either because I'd never want him to feel that i pressured him into it.
So I believe you should wait until he's on board with the idea fully.

Jacquelyn - posted on 12/27/2009

Having a second child has to be by both of you I'm in complete agreement with everyone elses posts. I wish you luck!

Jamie - posted on 12/27/2009

You cant have a baby unless both agree. And Im speaking as if the parents are being responsible and discussing it before having intercourse. Once a baby is born its both parents responsiblity to take care of that child. So if one person says no, then you cant conceive until both agree.

Brandi - posted on 12/27/2009

My opinion is that it's no ONE's say as to if/when to have another baby. BOTH parties have to be 100 percent willing. If one isn't ready, then no more babies (for now) Revisit the issue regularly (every 6 mos. or so) and see if you two are on the same page yet/still. My husband have 2 kids and have gone back and forth on the third. The fact that we are both still a little wishy washy leads me to believe that our family is whole and complete AS IS and a third baby isn't necessary to finish our family (not that if a third baby should happen along he/she wouldn't be LOVED to death) but for now we are BOTH happy with two and have come to an agreement that NO KIDS after we turn 30. My husband will be having a vasectomy in about a year and a half. Just discuss the possibility and never take it totally off the table until you are BOTH VERY SURE that no more kids is what you BOTH really want. Good luck and I think you will BOTH know when your family is complete and the decision to take more permanent measures to finish making your family will come easily and feel right for you, just as it has for my husband and I.

Elle - posted on 12/27/2009

Make sure you can agree on having/ not having more kids before you get married. Hubby and I talked alot before we were married about kids. When my infertility probs became an issue we had a lot of problems. We worked it out but I know I could not be with someone who would not give me the children that I wanted. Its a very serious issue that can't be put aside until "later". Both of you need to decide how you truely feel and talk about it. You will grow to resent each ither if you dont.

Arkiva - posted on 12/27/2009

You guys have to have the same goals and values in mind. Or somebody is gonna be bitter about not getting what they want(children)

Arkiva - posted on 12/27/2009

Yes. both people have to agree because if you go in 100% and he is a little shaky about it. He will be afraid the whole time of your pregnancy. Fears turn into anger and anger causes fights. which neither of you need.

Stephanie - posted on 12/27/2009

I am 25 - One of my daughters will be 4. The other is 3 months. i think it is the perfect age dif.



Maybe waiting a little longer is a good idea. BUT- if you are 100% sure you want more children. Make sure he is too before you get married. You will resent him for it later if you feel that strongly about having another and dont because he doesnt want to. Theres only a few things worse then having a baby with someone that "doesnt" want- or is ready to have one.

Ashley - posted on 12/27/2009

both of u have to want one.....one cant make the decision for both

Renee - posted on 12/27/2009

I am in agreement with you...you both have to want to have another child. If one doesn't want a kid and you end up getting pregnant, sometimes that resentment can come out towards that child as they are growing up even if they don't know they are doing it. Then again...my son was born while I was on birth control, and I am pregnant again while I was on birth control. We love our son very much, and I know that we will love our daughter to be...even though neither was expected or planned.

Anna - posted on 12/27/2009

It has to be mutual, and it's better for a child to not come into the world then to come in unwanted by one Parent (not to say abortion or anything). But if my husband said no he didn't want any more children and I was busting to have more, I would rather not have another one and hope that in time he softened to the idea, rather then choose to have another child knowing he didn't want it..... does that make sense?

Jessica - posted on 12/27/2009

i think in a situation like that there is no room for compromise, a child isn't something you can compromise on. if one of you really wants to have another child and the other doesn't the only thing you can do is wait to see if things change.

Heather - posted on 12/27/2009

I'm glad that youa re happy with how things are, its fun to just have one to completely spoil for awhile, and if you want another later in life you are young enough to do that.



I think if you are in a relationship, then both sides have to want that baby. If only one person wants to have a second child, then the other person is just going to end up resenting that baby when he/she is born. It cant be up to just one person, I love how you put it, a baby should be conceived with love.

Erin - posted on 12/27/2009

Hi Fern, how are you?

I would suggest that as you are still quite young, why not wait for another year or 2 and see if your partner is more happier to have a child then. If not then you could just forget about it or have another baby as i'm sure your partner will love baby no2 as much as baby no1. Hope that helps xx