why are all men the same????

Betty - posted on 12/16/2009

Not all men are like this. I know plenty of wonderful men and I'm married to one of them.
Is it just me or does it seem like common sense to have a joint bank account so both of you have access to the funds? My husband and I both work, sometimes I make more money and most of the time he does but at the end of the day that is OUR money and we share it. If you can't trust each other enough to have a joint account than why do you own a house together and raise a child together?
Please understand that if you leave him you are not taking the child away from her dad. You are taking yourself away from her dad and that could be a good thing. The father can still care for her and see her. Unless he takes you to court it's up to you how often they see each other. Whatever happens you know it isn't all your fault so don't worry about what anyone tells you.

Sharalyn - posted on 12/16/2009

One: Tell him how you feel. Two: I think often times, we (women) FEEL men are all like this. Realistically, men are waaay different then women. We try to do our best as a spouse and parent. Men don't understand the full time job we have as mothers. They believe we have it 'easy' and not saying being a mother is hard work, no, but it is work in itself. Regardless, there has to be a mutal respect for one another especially if the other person is working and not making the equal amount of money as the other person is. Its unfair to throw things in one's face especially concerning money or parenting or cleaning style. Tell him how he makes you feel, and what needs to change, if not, then y'all will have some problems. Simple as that. Stand your ground, you got this.

Kelly - posted on 12/16/2009

I feel very very blessed to have my husband , my husband takes over the minute he gets home and orders me to rest and relax, in the weekend he insists on looking after the kids so I can sleep in , and he will do anything on earth to make me happy .
He thinks women in general are amazing for being able to cope with pregnancy and birth , so not all men are like that .
I try to have the house reasonably tidy (more because I hate having a messy place ) but if its not , he doesn't bitch and moan at me , he just says "its cool we can clean it in the weekend "
yeah , my husbands great, so all men definetly aren't all bad !

Sarah - posted on 12/15/2009

Quoting clare:

. Finance wise we've worked out that I pay for the house bills and expenses(toiletries daughters things) and he pays for our mortgage.

 

So, he only pays the mortgage and you pay for everything else?? Your daughter is his' daughter too. If he doesn't want to help pay for her needs, you need to go to court and get it in writing that he needs to pay, If your not married. He sounds selfish and you shouldn't be scared that you have a mag out. As your daughter gets older, the house will be more messy with toys, then "show house" clean. Good Luck, I hope everything works out for you.

Medic - posted on 12/15/2009

NO all men are not the same.....there are good ones out there and maybe yours is good hes just gotten used to his behavior being tolerated....you would accept this from a child why are you taking it from a grown up

Rose - posted on 12/15/2009

Me and my husband are in a similar situations except its not my mess it is our mess. You shouldn't cater to him he is grown! I don't think that your relationship is healthy. Me and my husband share expenses we don't have my money your money i think that is just wrong! It can put a real strain on a relationship. If your talking and he isn't listening or isn't caring that is wrong to. I have to agree he is old enough to be set in his ways i think you should put your foot down about it. You both brought a baby in this world and he should help you with the daily household chores. Just because you only work part time doesn't mean your not working. Being a mom is a full time job in its own. You have some kind of patients. If it were me i would leave him for the sake of my daughter. No one can make that decision for you but you should think about what kind of impact this does and will have on your daughter in the future. I hope this helps and i hope your situation gets better.

Kimberley - posted on 12/15/2009

joining a gym or some sort of club i think is a fantastic idea. you are first of all a mummy, but you are also still you! a woman! i have 3 wonderful boys under the age of 5, and some days i feel so crap and tired i can barely even function! my partner works really long hours, and he makes little comments sometimes when things havnt got done, but unfortunatly men seen to think that as women we have this ability to do everything at the same time! its not possible. you are doing a fantastic job bringing up your daughter, so dont ever let him make you think your not good enough. but you are right, she shouldnt have to see all this tension. you and your daughter deserve so much better, so really think hard about whether he is the right kind of person you want to be a role model for her! good luck xx

Clare - posted on 12/15/2009

I have thought about talking to his mum, but i think part of the reason that the way he is, is the way his mum is. shes really nice, i think she's so lovely but she won't tell him when he's unreasonable, she just agree's and lets him have his own way. i know she has tried to say things but he just gets defensive and tells her off. alot ofthe time everyone wants a easy life, so why argue if the other perosn is not gonna listen. i agree that i think he maybe insecure and this makes him controlling. I really don't want to leave him as i know it would break his heart not to see his daughter everyday. I think deep down we know we're not right for each other. when we argue he does say if i want to leave thats fine but i'm making my daughter lose her dad. you see what i mean about making everything my fault. I wouldnt be able to manage the guilt. I think i'm gonna join the gym if its affordable just to get some stress out!.

Tah - posted on 12/14/2009

no..they aren't...

Constance - posted on 12/14/2009

When you're in a calm and collected mood, sit him down and tell him how you feel. Make sure you're not angry at the time, or it could make him defensive and not really listen.



It's possible he thinks he is helping by cleaning the way he does. Let him know you need him to do more than that.

Charlie - posted on 12/14/2009

I am so sorry that you are going through this but i disagree , not all men are the same .

Ricky - posted on 12/14/2009

My boyfriend started to get that way. He even said at one point that I sit around all day doing nothing. So I told him "If you think Im doing nothing, on your next day off you can watch baby all day by yourself. And here is what you have to get done: feed him, feed yourself, play with him, bathe him, do the dishes, keep the apartment clean, do laundry for your things and babys or go grocery shopping. and somehow find time to take a shower and look presentable:" our son was only 5 months at the time and learning to crawl, he is now 7 months and my boyfriend hasnt said anything since.

Amy - posted on 12/14/2009

My husband and I are sort of in the opposite situation. I work full time and he's home with our son all day. It's SO frustrating when nothing gets done all day, but I know he does what he can. Our son is 19 months old and into everything, and hates to take naps. When our son is napping my husband is either doing stuff for School or looking up Stock stuff for my retirement plan (He recently took part of it over). Basically, I understand your frustration, and I do know SORT of how your husband feels.

We talk about what needs to be done and try to figure out ways to get everything where it needs to be. One of the changes we made recently is box up as much stuff as we don't use all the time (that way there's less stuff to make a mess). We've labeled everything well and it's still easy to get to.

Also, when I get home from work, it's my time to take over for watching our son. and often I'll even do some dishes and stuff while my husbands making dinner (He likes to cook too, and is VERY good at it).

You really need to sit down with him and figure out a game plan. He's got to understand a spic and span house with a 2 year old is next to impossible unless you hire a maid (and even then it gets messed up so quickly)! As for your child being un-healthy and stuff, try to figure out what he means and why he feels she's un-healthy. Maybe he has some suggestions that might help? Since you said later in this thread that he doesn't seem to listen, maybe having him spend more time with your daughter when he gets home and not expect everything to be done RIGHT when he gets home. Also, since you said you have family near by, maybe they can help some too?

If he's not really listening or understanding, have you tried talking to his mom? Maybe she has some suggestions that would help since she raised him!

Sandy - posted on 12/14/2009

I would have to agree with Alicia but that is a last step. you have tryed talk to him now set your foot down. Give him a time fram to change and if thing aren't better then yes leave. I grow up in a house that my mom waited on my dad hand and foot she did everything for him. And i thought that was how marrage worked the men is the king type of crap. Well it's not and don't let it be. Life changes when you have a child that is why it take so damn long to have one lol. But that means both of your roles change you are expected to take full care of your daughter then he needs to help with the cooking and cleaning of the house i have a six year old and one year old my one year old follows me every where and when that happens it is hard to get any thing done. show him that tell him that. If things don't change then yes you should consider leaving. But i what i stress the most to you is do what your heart tells you if you can live with the way things are and you think it is best the so be it don't let others make the choose for you, cuz you are the one that is going to have to live with it.
I wish u the best of luck...

Alicia - posted on 12/14/2009

No not all men are like that, just the insecure controlling ones who have to be better than there partners... he'll be like that with you or another woman so dont let him tell you its all you. My advice to you is go with what your heart and soul is telling you.. you have no duty to this man, no obligation, leave. This is america, you arent his slave, you arent his servant. If he likes the house cleaner to a different standard than the one you provide then he can do it himself, but if he is how I think he is that type of thing is beneath him. Dont let your daughter grow up seeing her mommie belittled and demeaned, otherwise shell grow to believe that shes inferior to her parnter, and thats not good. I dont see this man changing, hes old enough now hes set in his ways, you know what you have to do, so do it. Your parents will help you and even if they wont there are state agencies that will help you, find you a place to live a job... there is the man of your dreams out there, but first you have to leave this sad excuse of a man that your with.

Julie - posted on 12/14/2009

Not all men are like this, but you need to sit and look at the big picture, what do you want and expect. If he can not even listen to what you have to say with problems between you 2 then maybe you do need to consider leaving. I have been in this situation and it did eventually turn into abuse....Not trying to scare or tell you what to do, but I was with a man that was wonderful when we first got together, had a baby, and then when I was pregnant with our 2nd child it had all started.
Good Luck and don't ever let a man bring you down. Your child and yourself deserve better.

La - posted on 12/14/2009

Clare,

Whenever I get annoyed at my fiance I remember something a friend told me once. "If men weren't stupid, they would be girls." This makes me laugh every time :)

Clare - posted on 12/14/2009

Thank you for your replys!! They are all really helpful. I have tried talking to my partner but he can't seem to listen. He can't really grasp what i'm trying to say to him sometimes. At first i thought i'll just let him have his own way and i'm sure he'll come to understand me but its just got worse. Since having my 2year old, my life completely changed, she is my number one priority. Nothing has changed for my partner, he still does the same things and expects the same. I'm not saying that life should stop or change dramatically but we're responsible for another little human. I don't think he truly understands that. He's still the guy that has to go out twice a week, to which thats fine. He complains that i should do the same, but i can't really afford it and my friends are mostly mothers and we tend to plan once a fortnight or month!. Also I would rather spend my time and money on my daughter. We're very lucky to have both our sets of parents close by and our daughter is babysat everyweek at least once so we can have a break. I know that men aren't all the same, i was just very annoyed yesterday and needed to get it off my chest. I know he loves our daughter. Finance wise we've worked out that I pay for the house bills and expenses(toiletries daughters things) and he pays for our mortgage. Has anyone seen the joyluck club film where a relationship is completely divided in the middle when paying for everything even the ice cream?. thats how i feel our relationship is. I have always wanted people to be happy and i'll go out of my way to do that and i think now he just expects that. I don't get it back from him so now i feel frustrated. Its not just the material things, he doesnt really show emotions either. I will keep trying but i know that unless he opens his heart and ears then i will one day get up and go. thank u all again!

Jamie - posted on 12/13/2009

Not all men are the same, a lot of it is how thier raised, not thier genes. You need to set rules and boundaries and work as a team, thats the key in a relsitonship being a team, its not about him and its not about you, its about both of you as one.

Lydia - posted on 12/13/2009

No all men are not like this. I would recommend sitting down and talking out your roles and expectations within the relationship. Let him know how you are feeling and what you need from him and give him an opportunity to do the same then agree on a plan of action that you will both try and work with in the future to be reviewed periodically. While financial support is helpful- it is no good if it comes without emotional support so dont just focus on the material aspect of the relationship :)

Amanda - posted on 12/13/2009

Let him know how you feel, it's not healthy to keep your emotions locked up. Maybe, just pick up a little bit before you know daddy is coming home. You said it yourself, you have it very easy from your parents and work PT, and he works FT. I know, I personally, love coming home to a clean house, child or not. You mention that he assured you before your pregnancy that he would financially take care of you, has he met that promise? Raising a child can be very expensive, and two incomes, even if one is significantly less then the other can make a world of a difference. I wouldn't say all men are like that either.