Would you still be with your bf if he doesn't defend you?

[deleted account] ( 13 moms have responded )

My son's father and I have been together for 6 years and 5 months. His family and I don't get along for nothing. His sister has been the only pain in my ass. She have been the common factor of my relationship with my bf always arguing.. Anyway throughout the years we have been together his sister have done a couple of stuff that is plain disrespectful. Never a day my bf step in. His sister have ruin my pregnancy experience.



Then it comes to his parents. His parents goes along with his sister. They also don't want to make an effort to see my son. They expect us to go to them. Well anyways every time his family is around I always get into an argument with them and he don't even say nothing. Like he's completely OK with them disrespecting me and them disrespecting my son. I'm the mother and I can't accept that my son is second plate to them. They love my bf ex gf and her daughter(no that's not my bf daughter) My son is the only kid and grandchild.



How would you react if your bf sister prefer to be fake aunt to a child that isn't your bf? If she would tell you that she's not the aunt of your baby. Insult your relationship and your wedding? How would you feel if your future in laws tell you they hate going out and that's why they don't want to come over the house to see their only grandchild but yet they go out to the beach and other places? And your bf don't want to defend you or your child. Would you still want to be with him?



I feel like I'm always second plate to him and his family feelings is always first. He don't want to tell them we made the dicision to stay away from them they think it's my decision and I'm the bad one and I'm the bitch and blah blah and he doesn't say one word. If he would say well if you treat her more with respect maybe we could all talk but no he doesn't I am sick and tired of them and all I really want is for them to leave me and my child alone. If they want to participate then why just ask about Christmas or a birthday. Umm that includes everything. Where are they throughout the 365 days. M son don't need anything from them and if he does. Most likely he needs time.He don't need to be shower with gifts or perhaps money. My bf and I have gotten into it yesterday. I a completely tired of arguing about his family. I would love for him to say we decided this and that and that's why we chose to not be around you.

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Shameeka - posted on 03/23/2012

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OMG his family just doent want you with him thats what it seems dont stress yourself out about them you are just giving them that power you know ur an amazing woman and an amazing mom keep doing what ur doing they r just haters and i always welcome hater because that only means your doing something right. about your husband idk what to say your his wife he need to tell his family to back off your not going anywhere he should be man enough to see that his family is in the wrong n that "i dont wanna get in the middle" excuse is wack. your hurting from his family stupidity and his lack of defending you he should always be standing by your side. when your in the right its only right for him to stand by your side 100 percent hun.

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Sherry - posted on 08/29/2012

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I have 30 Yeats in. He won't or he would have.

My sister in law rules the family. She hate me and I have live with it. Your young sweetie..run like hell!

Sherry - posted on 08/29/2012

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I have 30 Yeats in. He won't or he would have.

My sister in law rules the family. She hate me and I have live with it. Your young sweetie..run like hell!

[deleted account]

Thank you ladies for all the support. Through out the course of us being together it seemed they don't like me but I don't care because I am not with them. I am with him and we are living together alone. I sat down and talk to him on Friday. I told him I would like him to defend me when he sees the wrong his family has done. I know I'm not an angel I do have an attitude but that's when I'm being provoked. I tried my best to get to know them and worked around them. It just doesn't click. I tried my best. I told my bf maybe they don't like me because I'm not from his country or maybe because I don't stay shut.



He told me that we have been doing perfect for 2 years and it's true. Ever since e have parted his family we have been doing so well. Our relationship is doing great.



For the last poster I don't let my son over for the simple reason they love to party and drink and that's why I stop going there. I don't want my son to be surround by alcohol and partying. We changed our ways and things are way better for 2 years before we moved we were still trying to balance social life and parenting so we would invite a couple of friends over and drink til 4AM and my son would even party with us would go to sleep the same time as us because he didn't want to sleep early. When we moved we changed now my son has a normal routine even goes to sleep at a certain hour. Which is great. I dropped the friendships and stop having people come over my house. My house is not a party house and I have a son to take care of so all that stop. My home is now a home no commotion no partying nothing. That's why WE chose to seperate from his family. On top of that his family has no interest in seeing my son. Is not like any of his family calls my FH to see how he's doing. The only one that actually comes over to see my son is my bf brother which is my son's godfather.



My bf said that his mom now thinks I hate her cause she can't see my son. Umm how is that possible. I told him if that was true she would have never step foot in our other apt but she did. She would visit every other Friday so that's BS. I think there's more to that story.



I told him that he is the one that needs to set boundaries not me. That's not my family and even if my family were to disrespect him like that I would def have said something that's because I know who he is and the person he is. If he was a complete AHole. Leaving me home and him going out of course I would know why my family don't like him. I know what I'm worth. I'm a great person and I always think of my family and what's best for our home.

Thulani - posted on 03/24/2012

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Why not be the one to choose to not be around them? And let him and your son be around them since they aren't fighting. It's your job to emotionally safeguard yourself, not anyone else's and you don't need group action to achieve this. Plain and simple.

Jenni - posted on 03/22/2012

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Jessica, I think he needs to be the one to set the boundaries as far as his sister is concerned. But I think it would be more helpful at solving the issue with his parents if you were the one to open up to them about your feelings. It may help open the door to bonding with them, but you have to do it in a non-offensive, accusational way. You could start by saying that you feel there is some friction between you and them. That you want to have a good relationship with them and for them to have an involved relationship with their grandson. So you'd like to get to the bottom of what the problem is so it can be solved.



They may not be interested, or make up excuses and basically tell you you're crazy. But at least you've extended the olive branch. It's their choice after that. My own mother is very uninvolved with the grandkids, so I understand how much it hurts. But sometimes we have to learn to accept the things we cannot change.

Jenni - posted on 03/22/2012

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You're right, I don't agree fully JennB. :)



It's not disrespectful to tell his family to treat his wife with respect and dignity. That should be expected. If they respect him any, they'll respect his partner. My husband would never put up with anyone treating me less than I deserved, family or not. Although, his family is awesome and very respectful.



And of course, he would never put up with me or anyone disrespecting his family. It's a two way street. If I were being unnecessarily rude to his family, you better believe he'd say something to me about my attitude. He'd tell me I was overstepping boundaries, as he would tell his family if they were doing the same. We defend the ones we love and we expect mutual respect. If his sister is being out of line, he needs to step in and tell her to step off. I couldn't imagine allowing either of my siblings to treat my husband that way.



And she IS also his family now.

JennB157 - posted on 03/21/2012

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in my opinion. I think it's something on both of your parts. I know that probably no one will agree with me. but I have the same issue with my fiance but the other way around ina sense.

You need to uunderstand that his family is his FAMILY. and just like you would never let anything come inbetween you and your son. He probaby was raise never to disrespect his family. II'm not saying that he should put them first all the time. He deff needs to understand that there is a line and if your sister in law is saying shes not the aunt. then, excuse me, F*** her. he needs to find a way to talk to his parents about how they are hurting your feelings by not making an effort to see their grandson. And just like you said you told her if she doesnt want to make that effort dont go out of your way to take him to her. Just like you need to understand that just because y'all are together and have a family does not mean that he just throws his to the side, THEY (his family) needs to understand that y'all are together and they are no longer his only family and they need to accept that you're always going to be there.

my advice seriously is just to TALK (try not to get angry. be he bigger person) him and his family about how you feel and what the consequinces will be if they continue to act that way.

[deleted account]

Thank you ladies. I do love him with all my heart. I have stay with him for the sake of my son but it has brought many problems over and over about his family. He said he don't want to be in the middle because the issue is between me and his sister or his mom. Like if he has a problem with my family he wouldn't tell me to tell them something. My family loves him like crazy. They love him and even told me that I hit the lottery and that I'm a very lucky girl. But when it comes to his family they make me feel like I'm not good enough for him. When I was working in 2010 his sister told me I wasn't a good mother because I didn't have time for my son and when I was not working his dad have said that I'm a bum. It's like a lose lose situation.



Well the day before him and I have came to terms the reason his sister never like me was because I took him away from her. When I wasn't in the picture he used to take her out so she wouldn't stay home. He was more like her escape goat. The only way for her to get out the house was with him. Well I came into the picture and all that was gone. He would also give her what she wanted til I came into the picture. So now I understand. Anyway it started getting bad.



She have done a lot of things to me. While I was pregnant she would bring the ex gf around so I could get mad and get into an argument with him. She would update my bf with every detail of his ex gf and her baby even though he wasn't the father. She would do it right in front of me but she wouldn't day anything to him when I wasn't around. She knows I was not happy. I had to move out of their place because I wasn't happy. The fight before I gave birth she told my bf to take me out so she can bring the ex gf around and that day I wasn't feeling well. I felt horrible. Anyway he took me out and when I figure his ex was there he didn't want to tell me. He covered for his sister and his mom too. I got into a huge argument with his sister and she told me this is not my house. So I told her to stay away from me and my baby. His mom knew how I felt because I told her to please keep the ex out of the house that I'm pregnant and don't need the stress if his sister wants to hang out with the ex gf that's fine be friends with her but outside the house where I don't have to see his ex gf. It's plain disrespectful that the ex gf knows I don't like her and she still comes around. I don't bring none of my exes to my family house. His mom didn't care about my feelings due to It was her kids house as well and they could invite anyone they want.



When it comes to his family he don't want to say nothing. He have told his brother gf that he rather argue with me because he knows I'm not going anywhere. I'm up to my last hair I swear. I'm serious to leave him. I want to look for a job and get my stuff together. I can't do this anymore. I can't stand that he don't stand up to them yet he wants his parents around us but I can't have them around me if he can't set any boundaries. It's always me talking to them.



I got into an argument with his parents in 2010 because they haven't seen my son for over the summer. They started bringing up the the past and honestly it made me uncomfortable suppressing my feelings about them and his sister and their behavior when I as pregnant and they consider my feelings with the ex gf so I told his parents is either they make the effort or they won't see my son. His mom then said that then she won't see my son because she don't need to come to my house and she hates to go out. Yet I heard she went to Atlantic City for the weekend, the mall, out to eat lunch, Puerto Rico 2 times. They don't have an interest of my son or my family. I tried to hook both families up so they could get to know each other but it didn't work. They just don't want to.



I never did anything to them. I am a good girl. I stay home taking care of my son, I cook, clean, I don't go out with friends and leave my son with anyone. When I do leave my son is with my mom I always go out with my bf. I don't lie to him. I was going to school and I graduated. Now I want to attend school for Sept. What else do they want from a girl. I'm not sure what they want from me.



I hate getting into an argument with him because I feel disrespected and he don't want to say anything I think he scare that if he say something to them they would be upset with him.

Patricia - posted on 03/21/2012

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From what it sounds like to me, he isn't ready to leave his family! We are to leave our families and bond with our husband and wife and it doesn't sound like that is an option for you. If he is open to the idea try counseling, or even more drastically move to a whole new area for your own family unit's sake! I really hope you two can work on it because it sounds like you love him and in my opinion children need both mommy and daddy. You don't deserve to be on the back burner in his life, the only person you should he second to is God! I wish you luck and my prayers are with you.

Shameeka - posted on 03/20/2012

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no family or not your his woman he shouldnt let anyone disrespect you family or not he should defend you if your in the right or maybe he shouldnt take sides. he is the man he should stand by u no matter what seems his family is very petty hun but he should have your back thats what partners do

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