You are NOT THE BABY'S DADDY.....

Kristin - posted on 04/20/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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Okay, so I have 3 month old whos father wants nothing todo wih her.....MY best friend who ive known for a while has now became my man. I get scared to think that my lil one will get attatched to him and come to thinkof him as daddy....and then when she gets older I will have to tell her the truth. She loves him already this much I can tell. I just need to have some comforting word on the matter.......He's not her dad and sometimes I hold back. Like whenhe wants to watch her or feed her. I just feel this is not his responsibility......What do I do to fix my insecurities on this issue...PLESE HELP!!!

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Miki - posted on 04/22/2010

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My dad is not my biological father. But, he has been around since I was about two months old. When my parents got married, my biological father gave up all rights to me and my dad adopted me. I was about a year and a half, so I was raised with no idea that my I wasn't biologically my dad's. As I got older, I saw the math and realized that I probably wasn't my dad's, but I just brushed it off. As far as I was concerned (and still am) my dad always was my dad, and always will be for that matter. My mom eventually told me at 17 that I wasn't biologically my dad's and who my biological father was. Honestly, she was way more upset about it than I was. I am glad of the way my parents did things. I grew up never questiong my family ties or whether or not I was loved the same as my brothers who were biologically my dad's. I'm even a little greatful to my biological father for giving me up and letting me have a normal life with my family. So, from my experience, I say if you see your relationship with this guy lasting far into the future, allow your daughter to have the father she deserves.

Amber - posted on 04/21/2010

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i thinks its wonderful the view u have on this. i have a friend who is constantly changing bfs and telling her son that the new one is the father and it pisses me off to no end as her son is now almost two and he's had about 5 "fathers". at least u know that there is an issue. i wouldnt refer to him as "daddy" until there is a pretty lil ring on ur finger, that way there wont be any future problems if something happens. until then just call him by name. if he wants to help with the baby then let him, i dont see any harm in that. especially if he was ur best friend first u already have a established relationship with him and its hard to find someone to trust with ur kids.

Leslie - posted on 04/21/2010

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well im the reverse.. i raised my step daughters.and i love them no matter if my husband are together or not and that's because of the bond we had when they were 6 months and 3and a 1/2... he he is trying let him cause babies need lots of love and when the time is right you will all talk and she will not be mad as long as ur friend does his part right!!good luck!

Kimberly - posted on 04/20/2010

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My daughters father wanted nothing to do with her, and when my husband came into the picture we taught her his name (Dan) and had her call him that...the longer we stayed together the further his name went (Daddy Dan) all until we decided to get married & he became full "Daddy". My daughter has no recollection of her biological father which is fine with me.

Your daughter will be ok, even better off without her biological father if he wants nothing to do with her. My best advice is to not introduce the "daddy" word. as she gets older, teach her his name. If hes willing to act as her father, then let him, with her being so young its hard for them to get too attached (unless they are with them ALOT).

& with having to tell her when shes older about her biological father, i wouldnt worry about that until that time comes. You could write her a letter now about it all and give it to her when shes ready. I will have to tell my daughter that her "daddy" isnt biologically her father but in my book? Any guy can make a baby, it takes a real man to raise one. She will most likely to be grateful for the man who stood in as her father.

hope i helped :) if you need to talk or anything im always here to listen :)

Carolee - posted on 04/20/2010

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You need to know if he's planning on being in her life forever. If he is, then let him take on the "father" role. You have a while before she can understand that she is not biologically his.

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Aleeta - posted on 04/21/2010

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Congrats on finding a guy that actually wants to help with baby stuff. because she is so young and i dont think you should be alarmed about them getting attached. because she wont understand someone leaving and not being around anymore for years. enjoy the time you have with someone there helping you.

Kelly - posted on 04/21/2010

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If your new man is taking responsibility and wanting to help with the babyI don't see any harm in letting him be a good father figure and role model to her. That doesn't mean that she has to call him daddy if you don't want her to, and when she's old enough to understand, just don't lie to her. It sounds like your man is more of a dad than the guy who did nothing but donate sperm. Hopefully she'll see it that way too.

Lindsey - posted on 04/21/2010

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my husband is not my sons biological father but is his father in every way. i hate to think of the day i have to tell him about the other guy, but in my heart i think Lucas will always be closer to Antonio than the sperm donor who is afraid to spend a dollar on my son. let alone a minute of his important day. My husband always tells me if we cant work it out he expects just as much visitation with Lucas as he gets with Reyna.

Katie - posted on 04/21/2010

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My sister had a sweet little boy that the father did not want anything to do with. He has never met his father and will probably never know him. She has found a good man that loves her and loves him more than anything. He treats him like his own and they will be married this year. I think you both need to sit down and see if there is a commitment in the future, if he is willing to make her his daughter. Then I would have to say with the real father...if he doesn't want anything to do with her, he needs to sign over his rights!

Kristin - posted on 04/21/2010

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Thats sooo helpful!!! Im glad o knw that im not the only one who has gone through this.....Will DEF be talking to u!! :)

Tiffany - posted on 04/20/2010

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well u could just have her use to sayin his name and she is so young to understand that right now she wouldnt know the difference but as she gets older u can just let her know that he is ur boyfriend me and my oldest sons father are not together and his dad has a girlfriend he sees him with he just know her by her name he is only 3 and doesnt really understand boyfriend girlfriend he just knows he like her lol but hopefully it helps

Jessica - posted on 04/20/2010

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I think you should take him to Maury! lol, j/k! Sorry, I couldn't help it! (the convo title made me think of the show.)
No really, every child deserves a daddy whether it's their biological or not. It sounds like the new "daddy" is trying hard to be responsible. As long as he's proving that he's ready to take on the responsibility, then I say let him!

Louise - posted on 04/20/2010

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If the relationship between ye two is going to work then you need to let him be part of her life. A father is not necessarily the one who created her but can also be the one that raised her. If you want to make the distinction you can make sure to call him by his name and not daddy and teach her to say it when she's older. If he's in it for the long haul he will for all intents and purposes be her father and if hes willing to take on some of the responsibility then you should let him. Holding back will not let you commit fully to him!

Brittiny - posted on 04/20/2010

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I can tell you, I have been in your shoes. In my opinion, as a single mom, you need such a large support system and it sounds like your best friend is a great guy. When my oldest daughter was 4 months old, I started dating a guy who was just as great, he loved her so much and was so wonderful to both of us. Around the time that my daughter was 18 months, we got engaged and he was thrilled when she was calling him daddy. Unfortunately, things didn't work out and it was hard to get her used to not seeing 'daddy' all the time. However, we both survived. Years later (now) I am married, have 2 more kids and Gracie calls my husband Daddy... by her own choice. She is aware that he is not "her dad" but realizes that he is the one who takes care of her like a dad and loves her like she's his own. She has never questioned who her "real dad" is and he has never been around. I know that someday she probably will ask more questions and my husband and I have tried to prepare ourselves as much as we can.

All I have to say is this, people come and go in our lives as friends, in love, etc. and while we have to deal with those losses when they come, we can't spend all of our time waiting for them. If your friend loves your baby, let him, as long as you view it as a healthy relationship between them. He sounds like a real catch for both of you.

Lizzy - posted on 04/20/2010

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A real father is a person who is ther for the child, and supports her and you financially and emotionally. Already, looking after a child who is not his, makes him more of a man than her biological father. Its not wrong, as long as you let her know the truth, and that its okay to call your current partner daddy if she wants to, then that will be her decision. Later in life, she might want to find out about her real biological father and who he is, and you shouldnt stop her, you both should support her in that. And in the long run, you both will be there for her, whether she builds a relationship with her biological father or not.
I can be quite sure that your best friend now partner loves your little girl as if she was his own, and if you both were ever to breakup, there will, and should be, a father daughter relationship there.
Don't be scared, do whats right for your little girl, she needs as much love and attention as anyone can give her :) And if you trust that he will be there for her like a father, then let him in to your world.

Carolee - posted on 04/20/2010

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Just letting you know what my husband and I did when we started dating...

We had an agreement (that he offered to me) that he would be my son's father figure even if we broke up... even though my son is mixed and my husband is white. The biology doesn't really play as big of a role as most people think it does. He sounds like a good man.

Heather - posted on 04/20/2010

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I can see where you are coming from, hun, but if her real dad wants nothing to do with her, then why not let him step in and be a dad to her? You shouldnt feel bad about letting him watch her or anything, it seems like he has a genuine desire to be in your life, and hers. Most men who date girls with kids, do not want to be the father figure to the child. I think that if he wants to take care of her, let him. This (in my opinion) shows that he truely loves you and your baby.

Kristin - posted on 04/20/2010

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Were def trying to make this work!! we've been best friends for two years and just discovered we care about each other morethan just friends.....I really think he'll stick around

Anneke - posted on 04/20/2010

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well is he going to stick about? what about your child getting to know him and him going off and abandoning her as she sees him as dad. Its not his responsibility but sounds like he has taken on that himself. You two need to have a talk about the future. Think about your child here first. Sounds like you dont know if he is coming or going thats whats making you insecure.

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