Need help or advice!!!

Vanessa - posted on 10/02/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I lost three babies in less than a year. Frist was a tubal pregnancy, I almost died. That was on my birthday, April of 2005. Three months later i found out that I was pregnant again. I went into premature labor at 22 weeks, in Dec of 2005. My daughter Alissa Cherri Thompson, passed away just after 5 hours of being boren. Then in March of 2006, I had another tubal pregnancy. My doctor told me that i more than likely would not be able to have children naturally, my options were; invetro and adption. 4 months later my sister came to me and told me that she was raped and she didnt not want to have an abortion, she didnt believe in it, neither did i, she wanted me to adopt her baby. I was completely depressed, but I knew that this was meant for me. I adopted my sisters baby. She is the love of my life, i would do anything for her, i would die for my daughter. But over the past three years, me and my sister have gotten so much bullshit. People telling her that she was wrong for giving her baby to me and that i was wrong for adopting my sisters baby. I know that we did the right thing, but still, people have a way of affecting both of us. it is very hard for both of us to deal with. i dont know if anyone on here is goin through the same thing, but i desparetly need advice and encourgament. How do i deal with what people are saying, especially when i feel the way i do about my own babies dieing. Please help me!!

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Megan - posted on 01/14/2010

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I'm sorry to hear that! God works in mysterious ways just remember that. Don't worry about other opinions especially if you don't like what they have to say. They could never understand the heart break behind loosing a child, I honestly don't know either. But i do know when something is going the right way if its good for you and your sister, then its the right thing! hope this helps.

Becky - posted on 12/31/2009

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I am so sorry for the losses you have experienced, and sorry about the hurtful comments you have had to listen to. Please don't give up!
After 10 years of dealing with infertility and the judgemental nosey questions of 'well-intended people', we had 3 babies placed in our home with 6 months, and all 3 taken back by their drug-crazed mothers (all went to DHS within a month, poor babies). Now, we have successfully adopted 6 kiddos, and are joyful for to have them in our lives! But I STILL hear people make dumb comments about the choices we have made. I have learned to offer as little information as possible to people until I know them better and can trust them to be supportive, not critical! I tell strangers we are a miracle family by the blessings of adoption, with a big smile on my face. Few people are stupid enough to make negative comments after my over-the-top positive introduction. Amazingly, some people do continue their ugliness, and I have learned to cut them off by saying 'sorry to interrupt but I have to deal with a child' (which is rarely a lie) then I walk away! It has worked like a charm. It does still hurts my heart to hear ugly comments about my choice of family-making. Thankfully I have a wonderful group of friends surrounding me that I can always turn to for support.

God bless you and your sister for the choices you have both made to give this little girl a beautiful life. I would highly recommend you find a supportive group of positive people you can lean on during the difficult times. Hang in there, and PHWTHHH to those ugly people!!!!

Gidgit - posted on 12/30/2009

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I know exactly what you are going through. At 18 I carried my first baby to 6months and my little girl lived 4 hours. I have had 3 miscarriages after that. When hubby and I got married I told him I may never be able to give him a baby. We have been married for 11 years and I have never been able to get pregnant even after trying everything I felt I could handle.
We have always wanted a baby and my sister started having them at 17 and has had one a year for the last 7 years. When she discovered she was pregnant with the 6th baby as a result of date rape she was mortified. She had lost custody of her other children to her ex. She did not find she was pregnant until 34 weeks as the baby was behind the placenta.. anyway.. the day after Thanksgiving this year she called me and asked if hubby and i would adopt the baby.
I have had people say to me "how could you take that baby away from your own sister?" I was SHOCKED!! My sister searched her heart and soul and made a decission that is the hardest decission ANY one could ever make. She chose to give this baby to us because she loves her. My sister mad the comment that She could have more baby's if she wanted but I can't and she could at least give me this one gift that will forever bond us!

I say you and your sister are in my prayers! Don't EVER listen to those uninformed people who don't know jack about TRUE love and making Forever Family's! I was blessed to be in the delievery room with my sister when my little one was born, and I am blessed now as we are still in the process of making it all legal and my sister is healing and adjusting well.
We will tell her when she needs to know that Auntie grew her in her tummy because mommy could not grow a baby in her tummy.

God Bless you both!

[deleted account]

Unfortunately, there are and probably always will be people out there who just don't get adoption. We adopted our son, and probably 1 out of ten people we tell about it has some negative comment or story about adoption. It is very frustrating. I know this isn't a solve-all, but it made it easier for us to just concentrate on the positive remarks, and after a negative one, just give that little one of yours a big squeeze, and feel a renewal of the love you you have for her and her love in return. Many people who haven't adopted, just don't understand the amazing amounts of love that is involved. Also, people have a tendency to forget that they don't know what you've been through. They generalize and don't bother to consider the heart ache and pain you personally have been through. I lost two babies through miscarriage. I was able to have a baby girl, but shortly after her delivery, I developed severe blood clots through both lungs. I barely pulled through, and I was told that if I got pregnant again, I most likely wouldn't live. It was devastating. I really wish that others would consider the fact that we have been through things they can't (or don't try to) understand.
Sorry, I tend to ramble on about adoption subjects because they are so dear to me. Again, my best advice is to just politely cut off the rude remarks, hug your child tight, and let the love between you heal the injuries caused. Know deep down that your relationship with her is really all that matters, and that there are a lot of us out here struggling through the same things! You and your sister made a wonderful choice for this little one. Stay strong!

Kim - posted on 11/27/2009

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I feel for you so much. If your sister and feel that this is what is best for all; then, who cares what other people say. It is really no one's business, is it? I hope that you have the support of your families, at least. Good luck!

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Mandi - posted on 11/23/2009

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I wonder if people thought that your sister was a surrogate for you they would react differently and be able to see how wonderful all three of you are. Not that it matters what anyone else thinks because clearly any kind of negative opinion on your situation is moronic.

Noelle - posted on 11/13/2009

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It seems redundant to reply. The other moms have said it all. But your situation is so compelling I can't help but throw in my two cents. You and your sister are among the strongest, most loving people I've ever heard of! I don't know what it says about me, but I've actually wondered myself what I would do if I were to become pregnant due to rape. For myself, I think I would have to make a similar choice as your sister. Clearly God knows you and loves you and is aware of your strength and ability to endure. You have already proven yourself much stronger than the misguided people who are hurting you. This is a little hokey maybe, but I'm reminded of a lyric in a song from the musical "Les Miserables" that seems appropriate here: "A little fall of rain can hardly hurt me now"(!) God bless you and your family in your remarkable trials and blessings.

Sherrie - posted on 10/30/2009

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I can understand your personal circumstances. I had three ectopic pregnancies, endometriosis and did 3 attempts of IVF, with no success. After twelve years of trying we adopted our daughter she was a newborn and she has been in our care since the day she left the hospital. I think that any woman that will carry a child for 9 months and give them to a good caring family is wonderful person. Especially, if the child was a circumstance of a rape. What your sister did was a very selfless act, and people should respect what she did. People automatically assume that birthmoms are horrible, and it's wrong. There are some women that care about that child and only wants the best for them. I still keep in contact with my daughter's birthmom, I have a lot of respect for her. If it wasn't for her I would not have my daughter right now. I would tell those people who are harrassing you to go piss up a rope..

User - posted on 10/26/2009

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Amazing that any person could possibly sit in judgment of you for giving a home to a baby who needs one. And don't we all have a warm place in our hearts for the birth mom's who gave their babies to us to love? Sounds to me like your daughter is the luckiest one to have two people love her so much they would do what you and your sister did. I'm sure it' s not easy for either of you to be misunderstood like you are. I have never heard a story like yours, but your story touches my heart. Keep the faith, only your daughter's happiness matters.

HATTIE - posted on 10/23/2009

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I too am sorry for all of the crap that people give you. I find it really funny that people feel they have the right to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Praise the Lord for you and for sister unselfish decisions. Please feel lifted up and encouraged tonight. People are crazy and you are NOT!!!!! Rest well, and keep loving your daughter!!

Anne Marie - posted on 10/16/2009

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If adopting your sisters baby was the path you were led to follow...find strength in that path. I believe that God leads us to the path he is meant for us to follow. As an adoptee and adoptive parent, I understand the decisions from both sides. Please feel strong and unwaivered on your decision. Rachel is right...a lot of people like to give opinions about a subject they have NO IDEA about! Your decision reflects your desire and your sisters desire to provide the best environment for your daughter. I commend you for your courage! Please stay strong!!!!

Rachel - posted on 10/10/2009

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I'm so sorry for all of your losses and all of the criticism you've received. I know it's hard, but you can't listen to anyone to tell you what is right for you and your family. People seem to know a lot about things they have no idea about, if you know what I mean. Try not to take these insensitive comments to heart and try to find a group of people who will be more sympathetic to how you have created your family.



I'd try to find a local adoption group and see if you can surround yourself with more supportive people. Maybe your sister can find a birth mom's group to share her feelings. If there's nothing in your area, use the internet. There are all sorts of communities around.



I just think you should stay as far away as possible from anyone who is trying to take away from your family. Every family is different, and who are they to criticize how you created yours!



Good luck!

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