Open Adoptions

Amy - posted on 02/17/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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For those of us that have open or semi open adoptions with our child(ren)'s birth parents, how is your communication and agreement set up? Visits, letters, photos? Just wondering how we span the range of open and semi open adoptions...

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Jessica - posted on 03/30/2009

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Our agreement in very informal. We already knew the birthmom and some of her family from church, so he sees his aunt and great-grandma pretty regularly. Since the birthmom turned 18, she isn't coming to church to see him as regularly, but averages about once a month. It is very comfortable because from the beginning neither of us has questioned our roles. We are his parents, she is a special person to him and all of us. He turns a year next week, and so far, so good!

Kasaundra - posted on 03/28/2009

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We also don't have a written agreement.  Our bmom lives a few hours from us and has seen BD several times in the first 6 months.  For the first 3 months or so we sent emails and pictures every week.  After that we have slowly decreased the amount of emails and pictures we send.  Now I send them about once a month.  I have also talked to her several times on the phone.  We are going to plan something with her for his 1st bday.



We also know our bdad.  He doesn't have as much contact.  But he really doesn't want any now.  We haven't heard from him for over 5 months.  But I am glad that we got the chance to meet both of them.  Because when our son gets older and wants to know about his bdad we can answer atleast some of his questions.

Elly_dormouse - posted on 02/21/2009

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We used Advocates for Children and Family for the legal work in state. We were matched by our agency in CA (Adoption Connection). I liked ACF tho and their attorney, Ginger Allen. I'm not sure if I can provide any more useful information than that! Adoption Connection found them for us, I guess from agencies they'd worked with before.
Elly

User - posted on 02/21/2009

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We have two adopted sons. One bmom lives downstate from us, the other quite a few states away from us. We have nothing formal set up, but have had less contact with my 2 1/2 year olds bmom as he has gotten older. I think she is settling back into her life. She was supposed to come and visit twice in the last 6 months, but cancelled both times. We still send pictures and email photos too, but never talk on the phone.

My 10 month olds bmom is young and loves to text message. I take short videos of him and send them to her. We haven't see her since the birth since we live a good ways away. His bmom is also adopted and both adoptions are set up as open.

Amy - posted on 02/21/2009

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Quoting Elly:

We didn't hear anything from DS' bmom from when he was about 4 months to 10 months. I think there was some grieving going on. Also, being realistic, often women choose adoption because their lives aren't in a great place, so I think us not hearing from her reflects that. We adopted in FL,which is very (too) a-parent focused. I think she was hoping that she'd have photos once in the first few years if she was lucky. I could have done an agreement through our CA agency, but I knew I'd do what I planned.


Did you use an attny in FL?  FL is actually one of the states we are considering if we do a domestic adoption again, and don't do foster care.  They seem to have a large number of minority infant placements.

Elly_dormouse - posted on 02/18/2009

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We didn't hear anything from DS' bmom from when he was about 4 months to 10 months. I think there was some grieving going on. Also, being realistic, often women choose adoption because their lives aren't in a great place, so I think us not hearing from her reflects that. We adopted in FL,which is very (too) a-parent focused. I think she was hoping that she'd have photos once in the first few years if she was lucky. I could have done an agreement through our CA agency, but I knew I'd do what I planned.

Amy - posted on 02/18/2009

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We also do not have an written agreement although I sort of wish we did.  I think that can be easier on everyone.  I e-mail Ty's birth mother (they are together, but like most arrangements, the girls handle the communicaiton) about once a month, and send her pictures by e-mail then.  We also have a picture site hosted on Picasa/google that she has access too, and our you tube videos.  If I order prints for myself, I send a duplicate copy to her house through walgreens.  We are in MA, and they are in MO, so we've only seen them once...when we flew back to finalize.  I expect that we'll attempt to see them at least every other year or so, and would love to host them here as well, if their lives permit (they have 3 parented children).  We also have full disclosure, phone numbers, addresses and e-mail address etc. 



Because so many hands were in the proverbial "pot" regarding the adoption, we arent' sure what was promised to her.  We were told letters and pictures, no time frame etc.  We just got paperwork that stated letters and pictures for 6 months and then yearly.  We have no idea if this is just what she was told was "available" by our less than stellar agency, or if that was what she wanted.  Her contact did dramatically drop off after 6 months, and has been scarce since.  We did hear from her on his first birthday, both by e-mail and then I later called her home phone to talk. 



I guess I should just ask.  She is very meek and accomidating, so I don't know that she would be comfortable speaking up to say she wants LESS contact.  I mean I'm inclinded to believe that she wouldn't feel that way, but what do I know?  I can only guess how frequent contact would effect her grieving process etc.

Shannon - posted on 02/18/2009

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Like, Elly, we don't have a formal agreement. We see my son's birthfamily (extended - including grandparents, aunts, etc.) every 4-6 weeks. I'm not sure why it worked out that way but over the last three years (he's 3), but it seems we never go longer than a month without seeing them. We've become like family. We usually meet at one of our homes, for dinner, or an outing/event. Although they initially initiated contact (we didn't want to force), we now often call them to tell them we've missed them and plan a get-together.

Our daughter's birthmother and family live in different parts of the state. Therefore, we only see them a few times a year when they come to visit. However, we are planning to outings this summer to their homes.

I send regular emails, Facebook updates, and pictures to keep in contact with all of the birthfamilies (again this includes extended family). However, emails and phone calls are becoming more prevalent where we discuss, not just the kids, but life in general. I find that although I am close to our birthmothers, I have developed rich, close relationships with the birthgrandmothers.

I hope this helps. SB

Elly_dormouse - posted on 02/18/2009

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We didn't have a formal agreement, but we email, I send photos every 2months or so and his bmom has access to the blog I write about his 'adventures'. I'd like to do a visit, but she lives the other side of the country, so I'm waiting until my husband has a business trip in that direction to suggest it. Oh and we have full disclosing information, too. It didn't seem a big deal once we met.

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