Thought is going to be open, but have not heard from them in 7 months

[deleted account] ( 14 moms have responded )

We have an 8 month old adopted daughter. She is amazing! I formed a special bond with the birthparents, but have not heard form them since she was 6 weeks old. Is it weird that I want to hear from them? My family says "thank god they are not contacting you". I just feel this need to report in or get an update on how they are doing. I honestly worry about them?? They have two biological kids that they are raising and I have the third born that they decided to give up for adoption. I think about them all everyday. I decided not to tell my family about the other kids that are my daughters biological siblings and only one and two years older than my daughter. I wanted this to be something I told my daughter and she could share it when she wanted to. I already tell her she is adopted and special! She is my angel!

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Mary - posted on 08/17/2009

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They may just need time. It's not weird that you want to hear from them.It also sounds as if they are busy managing the family they have.

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Sherri - posted on 11/09/2009

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We have an adopted son who is almost 5. His birthmom saw him several times during the first year. I contact her several times up until his 2nd birthday. She chose not to respond and we didn't hear from her for several years. I have often prayed for her and wish her well, as she holds a special place in our hearts for the gift she gave us. Out of the blue, she came back into our lives earlier this year. I was really excited to see how whe was doing, but very nervous about how my son would react to seeing her. The meeting went well and it was obvious they had a strong connection. I was really happy for her to be able to see him and he seemed really excited too. Since then six months have passed. Our son has been very confused by all of this and has even expressed concern that his birthmom would want to take him back. We put off another visit with her until closer to his birthday this month. He seems more secure and wants to see her, so we are going ahead with another meeting later this month.



When I asked why she'd stayed out of his life for so long, she said it was too hard. I had saved lots of pictures for her and she has been very grateful for anything we share about him and our life with him. I have no fears about her or her intentions. I share such a heart bond with her and want her to have contact, but my first concern is always for my son and his well-being. I think it would have been a LOT easier for him if she'd stayed connected all along, or waited until he was old enough to really understand her role in his life. Up until he saw her, he was fine with the concept of being adopted and knew about his birthmom. Seeing her made it very very real for him and shook up his sense of security. We talk with our agency social worker when it gets too confusing. I have yet to meet or talk to another adoptive mom who has a similar experience.

Danielle - posted on 09/23/2009

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We have not heard from Josh's birth parents at all and he is 10 months now. We write and send pictures every month, but I am not sure they are picking them up. We had to ask the agency to call them to ask if they had chosen a middle name for him and they mention that they had not had any other contact from them since singing the papers 3-4 months before.

I would love to hear back from them, to know how they both are doing, but know that they are still dealing with their own issues. And I don't know if they have told anyone what had happened, only his birth grandmother knew about the pregnancy, so they don't really have anyone to share their feelings with.

I hope when they are ready, they will write and let us know how they are and where they are in their lives. It would be great for me and the hubby, but also for Jjosh so he knows where he came from and why they chose this for him.

Theresa - posted on 09/21/2009

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I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who misses the birthparents. We adopted twin girls who are now 15 months old. The birthmother has a 3 year old son as well and we were constantly in contact for the first year but it is slowly fading as she is in a new relationship and planning on getting married. I did not even know she was getting married...find it on her myspace page and I have to tell you I was really hurt. I felt we had a special bond and I treated her as part of our family. We have all these photos of her and her son with our daughters up to age 1 and I don't want to have to explain to our girls that the connection was dropped after that.

Patty - posted on 08/22/2009

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Dana

Just a small thing, but could be big to your daughter some day...My husband and I have chosen to use the wording "placed for adoption" rather than "given up for adoption". It may seem like a little thing, but I imagine it would be hard to hear you were "given up" if you were the adopted child. Please know I offer this advice as a fellow adoptive mom with the best of intentions. Focus on YOUR daughter and let the relationship with the birthparents rest. Should they reappear at a later time, when they feel ready, you can decide how to proceed. I know I experienced torn feelings in the beginning as I was in such amazement at the blessing that arrived in our lives thanks to the birthparents. Then, in time, I realized I had done something amazing for them too and more importantly something for our amazing and beautiful little girl. I had become her mommy with my whole heart and soul. So, enjoy the ride and embrace the miracle. Thank God as it's all His plan after all. :)

Lori - posted on 08/19/2009

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NO, its not weird. We have 3 boys, all adopted. We did hear via phone from our oldest son's birthmom until she was involved in a fatal accident. We never did meet her face to face. With our twins, we met their birthparents and have heard from them only once in a little over a year. I feel the same way, want to hear from them to report how the twins are doing too. You need to do what is right for you and your daughter and if not telling anyone about the rest of the siblings feels right so be it. We always tell our boys they are adopted and are very special too. Hope this helps.

Stephanie - posted on 08/19/2009

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I know it is hard keeping up a one-sided conversation. Keep trying and keep reaching.

Patty - posted on 08/19/2009

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Enjoy your angel and this time of bonding with YOUR daughter. While this is a blessed time for you, they are finding their way through what must be a challening emotional time. Our daughter's birthparents know us, our names, etc. but only wanted pictures once in awhile. Perhaps, this may become the case for your family as well. It's a great scenario...no "in person" contact but some by phone and email via my sister (who knows them). They get to know she is doing great but don't have to risk the heartstrings being pulled. The plus for us is knowing we can reach them if our daughter wants to in the future but it's not forced. I love the fact that we haven't done the " two mom" approach and Paige has been able to be fully immersed her true family...the one God intended for her. She just came to us via a different route. God Bless you and your daughter.

[deleted account]

Wow, thank you Erica. I am really glad to hear from you. I will send them an updated picture with updates on her milestones. I hope everything continues to go well with your relationship with the adoptive parents. If they feel anything like me, then they are happy to hear about your life.

[deleted account]

I'm a birth mom I just placed my baby two months ago and I am also parenting a 2 year old. I know it's hard to not hear from them, but I think you should still keep trying. Keep sending updates, even if you don't think it's important to them it is. They are probably busy with their family but may also be dealing with the emotional stuff. It is so hard as a birth parent, even when you know you made the right choice. I love my daughter's adoptive parents but I still feel the pain of not having her with me. I love to hear every detail of my daughter's life but it's bittersweet because it hurts that I have missed out on so much and I watch her grow up in pictures. They may also worry about whether you really want them around. There are so many negative things around about adoption. I have had relatives tell me I should just leave the family alone and pretend my daughter never happened and move on with my life. I would never disappear but I do worry about intruding too much on their lives. I was so scared at first that they would disappear on me that I was really freaking out and second guessing every word I said to them, afraid I would say the wrong thing and then they wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. I got an email from my daughter's mom saying how greatful she was to have me in their lives and how much she wants to continue our relationship and that made me feel so much better!

[deleted account]

Thanks for your post. I thought I would slowly stop worrying about them, but they are so special to me. I just pray that they are still ok with the choice of adoption and that it will help them reach the goals they have set as a young family. I don't want to say I have guilt about adopting, but it kind of feels like it sometimes. I love my daughter so much and am so blessed by the choice they made. I guess I would feel better if I knew they still thought it was the right choice.

Patty - posted on 08/16/2009

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I am so sorry and totally understand. We have an adopted son (7 months) and have continued contact with his birth mom. In the beginning I definitely dealt with mixed feelings towards her, but as time has gone on I have grown to care so deeply for her and worry about her well being as well. In addition, she loves and appreciates us so very much for as she puts it "providing for her child what she couldn't". That means the world to me! Family and friends do not understand and often "warn" us to not share info like address (too late) and details of our life. I have definitely seen some very classic examples of the misconceptions of open adoption. We were warned by our agency though that it is very possible to lose contact. They may be dealing with guilt issues that they don't know how to handle, especially because of placing their third child while raising her siblings. As adoptive parents, we understand how unselfish of a choice that was for them, but our society does not always view it that way.There may be a day that they do want to see or speak to you again though, so make sure that your address and/or phone information is kept updated so they can find you if they decide to.

I also understand about not sharing specific details of your daughters biological life with others before she is told. We have made the same decision on some issues of Jacksons life. It is sometimes hard for people to not impose and want more details, but the bottom line is that some of those details are our childrens story to share and not ours. We feel we should respect that. Hang in there, oh, and congratulations on getting your little angel!!

Courtney - posted on 08/15/2009

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We sent info to our BM for months with no reply. Our daughter will be two next week and we have not heard from her since we left the hospital. The only contact we had was a call to ask if we were ready for a bio sibling as she was pregnant with #4. We went thru a private attorney and we were not financially ready to start over 6 months into being parents. Continue to reach out but don't be surprised or hurt if it is not returned.

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