Adoption, and Reactive attachment disorder.

Melany - posted on 02/19/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My son, whom I adopted at the age of 3, was placed with me at the age of two. ( a week after his second birthday). Has recently been diagnosed with this, as well as ODD. Any feedback, or input/

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Lisa - posted on 05/26/2009

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There are a lot of really good resources out there (although they are no substitute for counseling). Try Keck & Kupecky's book "Parenting the Hurt Child," Deborah Gray's "Attaching in Adoption," and the books of Dan Hughes. Foster Parent College has lots of good courses: www.fosterparentcollege.com/ and so does Adoption Learning Partners: http://adoptionlearningpartners.org. (They have one specifically on attachment which has lots of good suggestions for building attachment with your child.)

Mary - posted on 04/24/2009

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Just love him and try to give him the security that he feels he is missing my daughter had this and now at 5 years old you would not know what she was like. if she could have crawled inside of me, she would have.may be even seek help for children.but tell him every day that you love him and give him lots and lots of kisses

that is what i didi

mary

Rachel - posted on 03/19/2009

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I have 9 children and all have had varying degrees of attachment disorder. Many have full blown RAD. You need to find an attachment therapist, not a traditional therapist, immediately. Getting the diagnosis is only part of the battle but a very important part. Does your child have a subsidy? If you adopted from the state, you may be able to go back and have that adjusted to help cover the cost of attachment therapy. You will need to get every one on board with some very important changes. You and you r husband need to meet your child's EVERY need. No one hugs him, feeds him, helps him with homework, or says anything negative about you even to be funny. Depending on his behaviors you may need to add alarms to your bedroom doors or limit his interactions with others. I blog about the things we go through to keep our kids safe from each other and help them heal. www.tudusamom.blogspot.com

Mary - posted on 03/19/2009

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OMG my daughter was adopted but severely abused or neglected from China. She defintely has this but with love, love and more love we have gotten through this. We are now at the point of giving her tough love because she is now 5 and we are not going to tolerate her misbehavior. Just know that it will pass if you nurture him, love him, tell him you love him, kisses, and more kisses. give him your attention, and you will see a difference. my daughter was attached to my hip 24/7 times 4 years. It was rough but I knew it would come to an end because I told her I loved her every day all day!



Mary  

Kim - posted on 03/02/2009

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Melanie, I am a parenting coach and do most of my coaching by phone so distance really isn't an issue. I'd love to help and offer a 20-minute free session if you'd like to take advantage of it. Just phone me at 708-957-6047 to set up your free session. I believe that at your son's age, most of the work will be with you to help your son at home.

Melany - posted on 03/02/2009

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Kim, 



I can't believe how you have descried my son.  Even his therapist has not described it this well. Wish you where in RI.. I need someone who knows hat the heck they are talking about.  The tension gets so thick, it feels as if we can not communicate.  Everyday is like WW3.  The stories I could tell

Carla - posted on 03/01/2009

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Hi, I am an adoptive mom and my daughter is now 18. When I got her at 3, she had been taken care of by many different caretakers since 11 months, one being her 8 yo sister. I am not sure what issues you are experiencing but with her I was faced with a very angry little girl.



I found that very clear boundaries helped her feel safe. Most of my family thought I was too hard on her and I still get feedback about it. But she has turned into a wonderful person and I am so proud of her.



Hope this helps

Carla

Kim - posted on 02/28/2009

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First of all, it is such a great thing to get a RAD diagnosis this young. There is definitely time to correct it. Often these kids are not known to the system until they are much older and have long-established patterns of behavior. You may or may not know what happened to your son before he came to you but if he is correctly diagnosed with RAD, then he likely did not have an effective, consistent caregiver in his life. This makes it difficult for him to attached to the loving parents you are to him. He will not be able to articulate this but he is more concerned with safety and has learned over time that people hurt him so he will only allow you to get so close.



There is a great book out there for counselors called, Theraplay. In it there are therapeutic exercises or games for parents to do with their child to facilitate connections while making it fun. This will engage your child. Finding fun ways to make eye contact on your terms, not his. Playing games to provide the nurturing he missed out on,. When needing discipline, provide him with "time in" as opposed to "time out." This means instead of sending him away from you, ask that he spend time where you are. His natural tendency is to avoid contact so you want to facilitate it, never force it.



I worked 17 years in the specialized foster care system and have seen many children with this diagnosis. I am so happy and encouraged that you learned of it early enough to be successful in influencing his positive growth and development.



Wishing you well,



Kim Olver

www.empowermentparenting.com

Kim - posted on 02/27/2009

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First of all, it is such a great thing to get a RAD diagnosis this young. There is definitely time to correct it. Often these kids are not known to the system until they are much older and have long-established patterns of behavior. You may or may not know what happened to your son before he came to you but if he is correctly diagnosed with RAD, then he likely did not have an effective, consistent caregiver in his life. This makes it difficult for him to attached to the loving parents you are to him. He will not be able to articulate this but he is more concerned with safety and has learned over time that people hurt him so he will only allow you to get so close.



There is a great book out there for counselors called, Theraplay. In it there are therapeutic exercises or games for parents to do with their child to facilitate connections while making it fun. This will engage your child. Finding fun ways to make eye contact on your terms, not his. Playing games to provide the nurturing he missed out on,. When needing discipline, provide him with "time in" as opposed to "time out." This means instead of sending him away from you, ask that he spend time where you are. His natural tendency is to avoid contact so you want to facilitate it, never force it.



I worked 17 years in the specialized foster care system and have seen many children with this diagnosis. I am so happy and encouraged that you learned of it early enough to be successful in influencing his positive growth and development.



Wishing you well,



Kim Olver

www.empowermentparenting.com

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