For Adoptive Moms in an open or semi open adoption...

Jen - posted on 02/11/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )




What do your kids call their birth mother or birth father?

We started as semi open adoption and have progressed to open adoption. We met with / seen my son's birth mother when he was 2 months, 8 months, 15 months, 21 months, and at his 3rd birthday party. Other than the first two visits, she has brought her four older children with her. They range in age from 4-9.

My son turned 3 in October, and has been speech delayed. He's quite verbal now (although sometimes difficult to understand) and now refers to most people by name or title or description. (Mommy, PopPop, Doctor, or just Lady if he's saying hi to someone in the grocery store lol.) Anyway, since he was born and we knew we'd have some level of relationship with his birthmom, I've wondered what I would like him to call her. So far I've always refered to her by her first name when talking to him about her., but I don't want her to just be any other random adult in his life. On the other hand, I don't think I'm comfortable sharing my 'Mommy' name with her. At this point, he doesn't understand what adoption is and who she is to him, but I feel that this time of his life (starting to recognize who has what role in his life) can be a critical point in how he views who she is to him for the rest of his life.

Thoughts? What do your children call their birth parents? Have there been any emotional issues for them because of this?


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User - posted on 03/09/2012




My son calls (or will call) me Mamma, I'm fine with him using some form of mom or her first name. We have an open adoption, and I would really like him to have a relationship with his brother and sister and grandparents (since my mother is gone and fathers are not in good health).

However, my son is only 10 months, and his BM is not responding right now, so I don't know how this will all play out. As long as she seems to be a good person and a healthy person to have in his life I'm fine with having a relationship with her and since I'm much older, I think it's important to maintain that. But he's a baby so..we'll see.

Donna - posted on 03/08/2012




Hi Jen

My name is Donna. I have adopted both of my 2 girls who both are special needs. My youngest daughter(Kate) we have the SEMI OPEN adoption with her bio-parents. You know your son best..... But my suggestion to you would be to continue to call her by her given name. Unless your son begins to ask question about her and who she is I think he is to young to grasp the relationship. yes it CAN cause some pychological issues like studdering, speech delays and things of that nature. Even emotionally. He will think his BIO-MOM didn't want him because....... My daughter Kate's Bio Mom thought she was going to parade in and out of her life when she choose. Remember YOUR THE MOM YOUR IN THE DRIVERS SEAT. You DICTATE to them what you can handle and when and for how long. I let Kate's birth parents see Kate once a year. We'll meet in a public place. Im sure my situation is very differant from yours. My daughter is special needs so she doesn't cognitivly know, but Birth parents had three kids total. Kate has an older sister, than there was Kate, after we adopted Kate they went on to have another child. Its the two other daughters I worry about. The oldest is now 12 years and the youngest is 8 years. All three girls look exactly alike and they are going to put things together soon and start asking why they all look alike. "Why did MOM not want Kate". "If I get sick is MOM NOT going to want me"???? I have had this discussion with Kate's Birth Mother. She is not to disclose who she is to Kate unless we discuss it first. Thats MY JOB. I have another adopted daughter. I have to consider her feelings as well. Her adoption was closed. She may ask me one day,"How come Kate's Mom is in her life where is my MOM?

Anyway I hope I helped. I just think right now he is to young. I would wait till he is old enough to understand the meaning. In regards to him calling her MOM. its all what you feel comfortable with. You are rightfully his MOTHER. They just gave birth to him.

Jane - posted on 02/12/2012




My kids call their birth parents by their first names, and their birth grandparents and godparents by Grandma Rose, Grandpa Willy, and so on. I can't see any emotional problems for anyone from this. My kids are now 19 and 17 years old so it appears not to have caused any lasting damage.

You could have him call his birth mom another form of mommy, such as Mama or Mummy. My brother is raising his granddaughter, She calls her parents Mommy and Daddy, even though she hasn't lived with them since she was about 6 months old, and calls my brother and his wife Yayo and Yaya (Greek for grandfather and grandmother).

You can also consider calling her Mommy Susan (or whatever her first name is). This is like our way of sorting out the various grandparents by combining Grandma with the first name.

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