16 yr old daughter with Aspergers has completely changed her personality since her Birthday . HELP!!

Lori - posted on 03/19/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )




My daughter was diagnosed in the 1st grade with Aspergers. She was sweet and kind to others. Always involved in anything we did, just the 4 of us or the family as a whole. She was a girly girl. Everything was Disney Princesses and pink, all should would wear was pink. As she was getting older, she tried new colors and new movies and books to try new things in general. When she stated school, she was all about it. Always reading and asking questions. She even left the house very early one the moring, 1 hour before I would even have woken her up for school, to get on a bus bound for the high school because she thought she was late and didn'nt want to miss school. Yes, I was a paniced woman searching the town for her, but that's another story. In August last year, she turned 16 and everything has changed and sometimes not in a good way anymore. One day she threw all her clothes in a pile in her room and said she had nothing to wear. All she had left in her closet was a black hooded sweatshirt , 3 black t-shirts with some logos on them and 2 pairs of black jeans. She is refusing to wear anything that isn't black and she spent her allowance on all black nail polish, eye liner, lip stick and these lacy gloves. She doesn't talk to anyone in the house unless it's to scream at her younger brother or us to leave her alone. She has stopped participating in the family at all. She won't do her chores or homework. My husband and I have tried talking to her, yelling at her, punishing her, being extra nice and giving her more freedoms. Nothing is working and if she doesn't start doing her school work, she'll have to stay back. Does anyone have any advise for 2 worn out parents at the end of their rope?


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Krystlescreations - posted on 03/10/2015




Accept her for who she is. As an Aspie myself who is gothic, us females are prone to trying new things. For us, things aren't phases or 'things that will pass'. They are actual parts of us or atleast parts of our development. At 16, I began wearing gothic clothing and listening to post hardcore music and studying the history of subcultures. I'm now quite active in the alternative community and I'm happy. I feel like a I belong more in the alternative community than with the neurotypicals so I can seriously understand what your daughter may be experiencing. Aspies have unique perspectives that they might find acceptance in by joining the crowds that embrace individuality and intelligent thinking. It's not rebellion at all. It's just needing her own outlet that is different from what she thought she had to be growing up.

I recommend you read goth blogs, read about the history and also ask her how much she knows about it.

Tracy - posted on 04/16/2011




Girl, I am in the same boat! Wish I knew what to say, but I'm searching for answers as well. My daughter turned 16 in January, but her rebellion has been going on for some time now. She has been in and out of psych facilities and on and off meds, attemtped OD, went thru the goth phase last year with the black liner, lips, lacey gloves, etc, and now shes doing the Emo thing with the peircings and hair and stuff. I am trying to make it without child support, medical, food stamps, without anything, although she does get a check for her Aspergers, bipolar, ODD, IED...it's still very hard, And it seems there just aren't any resources to turn to! I have to work, and I can't leave her alone like I could her 12 yr old sister..so I have to drive her out of the county to family members and friends houses while I work (6pm-7am) three nights a week...and now, they are refusing to take her because they say they can't handle it anymore, SHe won't listen, she talks back and cusses everyone, is so very messy, doesn't even attend school anymore...just so much goin on. I'm trying to do this by myself and I just dont know what todo anymore. I'm about to lost it myself! Get in contact with me and maybe we an figure some things out! Good luck!

Sarah - posted on 04/06/2009




I agree that it sounds more like she is trying to fit in with a goth/emo crowd at school. That sounds like a typical teen thing and not anything to do with her aspergers...try to ignore most of the stuff and she might just get bored with it :)

As for the school work...THAT I would try to push her a little on. Make sure she understands the consequenses of her actions, as hard as that may be.

Brandie - posted on 04/05/2009




welcome to being the mom of a teenager!! realy and truthfully.. you need to let her be her...

as for school work disaplen away! but as for clothes, makeup, nailpolish, hair.. let her be her.. well unless she looking to leave the house in a bra only or something indecent like that.

 i personaly went threw this stage as a teen... and believe me id not be cought dead wearing black lipstick now.. holloween being the exception. this stage could last a few months or a few years but as ong as shes not hurting herself or someone else, its "normal" teenage behavior ( or as normal as beeing a teen can get)

. oh and take pictures.. you will more than likely look back on this and laugh.

Kelly - posted on 04/04/2009




Good Morning from Georgia !

I read your post and thought to add a few things.  I have a 15 yr old son who has asperger's disorder, anxiety, ADD.  He attends a highschool that is arts oriented.  His personality would never go the black ensemble route, but he very much wants to be accepted and have friends.  I would work on being more accepting of your daughter's wardrobe at this point - go shopping with her - she can still achieve the gothic look and look okay.  It is probably the peers she is gravitating towards at school.  Encourage her to have them over  get to know them...many of these kids are simply going through a phase.  In the city we live, we have a world-renowned college that specializes in the arts and MOST of the college students wear goth-like clothing, body-piercing, dye their hair - its free-form expression and most of these students are good people.  Again, be more accepting, involved, go shopping with her so you can give some opinion to what looks good for her.  Get  to know her friends and their parents - touch base with the school counselor to see if he/she has any insight on the situation....Most importantly, keep your eyes open to the signs of depression - that is very possible in aspies....does she see anyone professionally?  Is she close to a family member or friend who could spend some time with her and get her to open up to give you some clues?  I will be checking for your updates...God bless.. prayer is a powerful thing for you to try for not only your daughter but for you and your husband...I can truly attest to this.

Lisa - posted on 04/04/2009




Hi Hun im Lisa a Mom of a 22 year old autistic daughter.  Iv just read your post and just wanted 2 drop u a line.  It seems 2 me that the behaviour your daughter is displaying is typical teenage rebellion and nothing 2 do with yr daughters Aspergers.  Has she became more interested in different musical styles too?? It looks like shes experimenting and finding out who she is.  My advise would to try and become interested in the things that are interesting her at the moment (such as music/hair/ makeup ideas) even if its last thing that interests you lol.  But above all keep a gsoh hope this is of any help and wishing u all the best and remember its JUST a stage

Suzanne - posted on 04/03/2009




I also agree with Lisa and Tracey... But i would add something: the kids (or teens) with Asperger don't perceive their body nor their emotion as we do. Just put yourself in her place for a few minutes: her body is changing, the hormones has taken over, she might want to fit in with others of her age (and might not have a clue how to do it, so she reproduce what she sees as "fitting"), and she doesn't understand her body anymore. We are adult women without any trouble with Aperger or other kind of autism, and when we have our PMS, we change, we can get cranky, impatient, intolerant, etc. And we can start crying for almost nothing, or get angry for a not so good reason...

Your daughter has Asperger, she's going through all that not knowing what's hitten her. I would suggest that you meet with her doctor or therapist (if she has one) just to find a way to help her out. She'll still be a teenager, but one with more support and knowing she's not crazy! And you and her dad won't feel as helpless and overburden!

Good luck to you! My son isn't there yet, but he's 10 with Asperger/Dyspraxia/ADHD, and teenage is just around the corner for us!

(I have a degree in Sexology, so if i can help a little more, contact me! I will be glad to help).

Tracey - posted on 04/02/2009




I have to agree somewhat wth Lisa!  As terrible as this is... it sounds more like TEENAGER than it does Asperger's.  The only thing that I would be wary of at this point... is that with Asperger's most children "cant help" their actions or feelings at times. Unless she's high functioning... I would be senstive to her feelings and supportive of her individualism but at the same time discipline as well.  Try to be patient and open and allow her to explore... as long as it's "within reason".... otherwise, she sounds pretty normal for a 16 yr old!

Good luck!

Lisa - posted on 04/02/2009




Ha...................well.....................it really has nothing much to do with her aspergers and everything to do with her being a teenager !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My 16 year old son with apergers has just dyed his hair black, bought the black jeans and yes the nail polish and eyeliner !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It really is just a phase that will pass, just go with it. If you make it a big deal the rebel in her will make you suffer it longer.

My daughter who has no aspergers or anything else is has just turned 18 but at 16 she became moody, stopped talking much and and dropped out of school...........it is purely an adolescent thing and unfortunately we as parents will just have to ride it out.

That doesn't mean we have to like it though.

Good humour will help !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Luck

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